by Melody Wright, LMFT

Sometimes, we run away from or reject relationships that are good for us due to our own limiting beliefs. Naturally, not all relationships are destined to work out. However, if you have ever chosen to start a fight or end an otherwise healthy relationship over something relatively unimportant, you might be guilty of self-sabotage. 

We may or may not recognize when we are sabotaging our relationships -- but if we find ourselves in a pattern of failed relationships, it is worth examining our beliefs and behaviors to see if self-sabotage may be contributing. In this blog post, we'll discuss how to notice when you might be engaging in self-sabotage, the types of self-sabotaging behaviors that often impact relationships, and what to do if you want to stop sabotaging your relationships.

What is Self-Sabotage?

Self-sabotage is the act of covertly damaging or ruining something we care about or that is beneficial to us, often without realizing it. In relationships, we might exhibit this behavior by saying something we don't mean to our partners, inciting inflammatory arguments, or even ending a happy and loving relationship for no good reason. This can lead to a pattern of repeated arguments and/or failed relationships that negatively impacts our happiness.

Oftentimes, we engage in self-sabotage because of negative core beliefs related to ourselves and others. We may think we are unworthy of love or that all relationships are destined to fail, leading us to think and behave in certain ways that impact our relationships. For example, if we believe all relationships are destined to fail, we may not give our partner our best effort or may even end the relationship preemptively to protect ourselves from heartbreak.

Types of Relationship Self-Sabotage

Relationship self-sabotage is not "one-size-fits-all." There are various ways in which we might sabotage our relationships depending upon our individual beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors.

Some examples of self-sabotaging behaviors that often affect people in relationships include:

• Getting into relationships with partners who have no long-term potential

• Comparing our current partner to a previous partner (or an "ideal partner")

• Being overly critical of our partners' characteristics, flaws, or mistakes

• Avoiding intimacy by holding back our thoughts and emotions when we feel vulnerable

• Inciting inflammatory arguments over small, insignificant problems or actions

• Only starting to feel uncertain about the relationship when it shows signs of progression

• Ending a relationship preemptively, before our partner can hurt us by ending it themself 

Why We Sabotage Our Relationships

Just as self-sabotage can look different to everyone, it can also come from different places. Many times, self-sabotage originates with a traumatic experience or self-limiting beliefs we hold about ourselves or about relationships.

Some examples of beliefs that can fuel self-sabotage include:

• I am not worthy of love.

• I am not good enough.

• Other people can't be trusted.

• My partners always leave me.

• Relationships never last.

• Intimacy is dangerous

• Vulnerability is weakness.

How to Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships

Now that you understand how and why you might be sabotaging your relationships, the big question is this: how do you stop engaging in self-sabotage? Many of us who self-sabotage want to enjoy healthy, lasting relationships; we simply do not know how to do this without unintentionally sabotaging ourselves.

One way to catch yourself when you engage in self-sabotage is to understand your attachment style and how it might influence your behavior in relationships. We previously posted a series of blogs about attachment styles -- give them a read to help you understand yours and how it might influence the way you behave in relationships. If you have an insecure attachment style, you might be especially likely to self-sabotage.

The process of recognizing and correcting self-sabotage is ongoing and requires constant attention to our thoughts and behaviors. It can be challenging to undergo this process on your own, but you do not need to do it alone. Therapy can help you catch and correct negative beliefs that lead to self-sabotage. Contact Life by Design Therapy today to learn how our clinicians can help you enjoy happier, healthy relationships -- without sabotaging yourself.

Interested in attachment?

Read our attachment blog series to learn how your attachment style impacts your relationship!