By Melody Wright, LMFT

I have encountered a lot of things in my time as a therapist, however, one of the common deep-rooted issues people come to me with stems from the way they grew up. Everyone has a different upbringing but there is often a deep seeded trauma that is recognized throughout our sessions that point to a cyclic pattern within the family system. It ranges from addiction, the way they were parented and punishment styles growing up, and even the way their parents would relate to them. These patterns have shaped the way my clients engage in relationships, and perceive themselves and their worth and even their world views. All of these things can be categorized under the umbrella of Familial Trauma. 

What is Familial Trauma? 

Familial trauma is the consequence of living with traumatic events and memories that were unintentionally passed on from generation to generation. Because it’s such a deeply ingrained experience within the family it can have lasting impacts on individuals into adulthood. Familial trauma can manifest itself in many ways such as disassociation, estrangement, and even addiction. For example, if you had a parent that couldn’t self-regulate, you may also suffer from the inability to regulate your nervous system even in minor situations. You might also develop the habit of putting everyone else's needs before your own. This is due to having to suppress your own emotions to accommodate your family members. In situations like this, it can lead to depression, anxiety, and overwhelm. The cycle of trauma is present because typically your family members were raised by parents who could also not regulate their nervous systems, as well. This is only one example of familial trauma, however, many other situations can cause challenges to overcome as you grow. 

How Do We Break the Cycle?

1. Become Aware of Your Own Patterns - Many people who have experienced familial trauma have a tendency to minimize or even deny the effects of what they’ve experienced especially if it’s something that commonly occurs in their family dynamic. It is important to become aware of any hurt or pain that you’ve endured as well as recognize if you have picked up any of the cyclic behaviors yourself. “Awareness is like the sun, when it shines, things are transformed” - Thich Nhat Hanh
   

2. Allow The Relationships to Change - this part can be complex and challenging. By recognizing and implementing the importance of breaking the cycles and healing your trauma, your family might push back. Finding space within yourself to settle with the fact that your relationships will look different will make the healing journey just a little bit easier.
   

3. Take Care of You - When working through trauma, one of the best things you can do for yourself is care for your own needs. Especially when working through familial trauma, some people may find it challenging to care for themselves. This can look like starting a new routine, finding a new hobby that makes you happy, and setting boundaries.
   

4. Find Forgiveness - Forgiveness is another aspect of the healing process. Forgiveness is not about condoning or forgetting the past but rather about letting go of anger and resentment towards those who have hurt us. Forgiveness can be a difficult leap to make, but it is a crucial step in the healing process because it allows us to move forward with a greater sense of inner peace and freedom.
   

5. Reach Out - As we discussed, familial trauma is something that can be so ingrained within us, we need people in our corner who are going to actively listen, support and encourage us to continue to press forward rather than return to our familiar ways. Not only are friends a great support, but having a therapist can also be beneficial to your journey. A therapist will carry modalities to support your individual needs, and provide an unbiased space for you to work through the things you need to. 

Creating a new legacy is the goal of the healing process. Breaking the cycle of trauma by learning healthy coping mechanisms, practicing self-compassion, and taking steps toward creating a positive future will benefit future generations. We understand that breaking cycles is a complex and highly unique voyage. 

Here at Life By Design Therapy, we have trauma-informed and culturally competent staff to support you as you walk through your healing journey. If you are ready to start healing CLICK HERE to schedule your free phone consultation with one of our staff members. 

Additional Resources

If you would like to learn more about different forms of trauma and how to heal, below are a few books to expand your knowledge.

1. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma by Pete Walker

2. My Grandmother's Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies by Resmaa Menakem

3. “Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men" by Robert Ackerman

4. “The Emotionally Absent Mother: How to Recognize and Heal the Invisible Effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect” by Jasmin Lee Cori

5. "It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle" by Mark Wolynn

6. "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson

7. The Color of Law: A Forgotten History of How Our Government Segregated America by Richard Rothstein

8. Freedom Is a Constant Struggle: Ferguson, Palestine, and the Foundations of a Movement by Angela Y. Davis 

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