by Melody Wright, LMFT

The holidays are a time ripe for family gatherings. While those gatherings may look different this year, getting together with family members can present challenges no matter what. 
As much as we appreciate getting to spend time with our loved ones, the holidays often mean spending time with some difficult relatives. This year especially, it could mean spending time with people who don't take the COVID-19 pandemic seriously.

Preparing in advance for the challenges and disappointments you may face during the holidays can help you better cope with this hectic time of year. Here is some advice to keep in mind as you navigate the 2020 holiday season with your family.

How to Handle Difficult Relatives

We all have relatives we would rather avoid whenever possible. Our relationships with some relatives can range from uncomfortable to toxic. Regardless of why you prefer to stay away from a certain relative, the holidays can make it challenging or even impossible to sever contact with that person. That being said, there are still steps you can take to protect your mental health and minimize discomfort during the holiday season.

Set Firm Boundaries

As much as we would love to give people the benefit of the doubt, chances are that your relative is going to behave exactly as you expect them to. You may not be able to change their behavior, but you can at least prepare for how you're going to respond to it. 

The key to setting firm but fair boundaries is to lay down clear ground rules in advance. You may not feel comfortable talking to your relative about their behavior, but you can make it clear to other guests whom you do trust that you would prefer not to discuss a certain topic or have a physical boundary violated. This way, your other family members can back you up when you assert your boundaries.

Asserting your boundaries does not need to mean sparking a conflict. You might be worried about standing up for yourself for fear it will ruin the holidays with an argument -- but oftentimes, saying something as simple as "I'd rather not talk about that right now" or changing the subject is enough for most people to get the hint.

Accept What You Can't Control

As we mentioned before, you can't change your family member's inappropriate behavior. It can be difficult, saddening, or even enraging to confront the idea that your family member may never change. After all, we would all rather have a positive relationship with our relatives whenever possible. 

However, spending time wishing that you had a different relationship with your relatives, or that their behavior was different, does little to actually change the situation. Instead, it's better to focus on the parts of your interactions that you can control. 

You cannot necessarily stop your relative from asking uncomfortable questions or infringing upon your personal boundaries, but you can at least plan for how you will respond to it. While their behavior is not within your control, your reaction to it always is.

Excuse Yourself As Needed

Frequently, it's easier said than done to navigate a difficult family relationship with patience and grace. You are only human, and you cannot blame yourself for becoming angry, uncomfortable, or embarrassed in light of your relative's behavior toward you. What you can do is create an exit strategy in case of an emergency. 

You may be concerned about sparking conflict or losing control of your temper in the event your emotions become overwhelming. If you feel yourself starting to get caught up in uncomfortable emotions, plan to excuse yourself from the conversation -- or even the gathering as a whole. Feigning the need for a bathroom break, or heading to the table for seconds, is a polite but effective way to excuse yourself from an unpleasant family interaction. 

That being said, it may not always be possible to physically leave the presence of your relative, such as during a virtual gathering. In that case, consider mentally excusing yourself for a break: take five deep breaths before returning to the conversation feeling calmer and more collected.

When Guests Won't Follow COVID-19 Rules

This year, the holidays present a unique challenge. Most of the time, dealing with relatives we disagree with can lead to awkward silence or uncomfortable conversations. However, in light of COVID-19, being around relatives who do not take the pandemic seriously could put your health and safety at serious risk. You may find yourself facing difficult decisions as you weigh the pros and cons of getting together with certain family members during the holidays. If you expect that the changes due to COVID-19 will disappoint or anger a particular relative, here's what you can do in advance to cope with the situation at hand. 

Move Your Holiday Gathering Online

Getting together with family over the holidays presents a number of causes for concern. For one thing, there is the question of what precautions to take: will your family be willing to hold their celebrations outdoors, forego certain traditions, or wear masks throughout the festivities? You may also be concerned about the safety of your elderly and immunocompromised relatives, and whether it is worth compromising their health to see them in person during the holidays.

Whatever you and your family decide, it's more than likely that at least one member of your family will disagree over what precautions to take or how careful you should be during the holiday season. Regardless of that person's feelings on the matter, however, it is not worth compromising everyone else's health and safety to accommodate their difference in beliefs.

The safest decision is to hold your holiday celebrations online rather than in-person. While some relatives will undoubtedly disagree with your choice, virtual holiday gatherings eliminate the need for concern over what precautions to take when meeting in person. This way, everyone can stay safe and protect their health -- even if others in the family choose not to wear masks.

Avoid a Debate

Unfortunately, wearing a mask or protecting yourself from COVID-19 has become a political issue, when it should be a health and safety issue. That being said, there's not much we can do about it, other than to accept the situation for what it is. 

When it comes to spending time with loved ones over the holidays, that means acknowledging that someone's opinion on the pandemic cannot be easily swayed. Trying to change your relative's mind about COVID-19 will almost never succeed, but it will almost always spark a debate. Conflict over political issues gets in the way of having a holly jolly holiday season and may upset or disappoint other relatives.

Ultimately, what matters isn't that everyone in your family believes COVID-19 is serious or not, or whether or not they listen to scientists or doctors. Even if you think the right answer is obvious, other people's minds are not so easily changed. The most important thing is that you and your family stay safe. Regardless of whether your relative understands your reasoning or believes in the safety guidelines, you can still be firm with your boundaries to keep yourself and your other family members happy and healthy.

Accept Inevitable Disappointment

If you struggle with people-pleasing, the idea of letting down your relatives this holiday season is probably stressful at best. Nobody wants to disappoint the people they care about -- but when pleasing everyone could come at the expense of another person's health, it isn't worth trying to placate your entire family.

As much as it can hurt to know we are upsetting someone we love, it's important to acknowledge and accept the fact that at least one person will most likely disagree with your decisions. At a time like this, you cannot stave off everyone's disappointment without putting your health and safety at risk. 

Most importantly, you cannot change their emotions through sheer force of will. Some disappointment is inevitable when it comes to canceling beloved holiday traditions or foregoing an in-person celebration -- chances are, you're feeling it, too. Without compromising your boundaries, which you are in no way obligated to do, the most you can do for your loved ones is apologize and commiserate about your shared disappointment.

Regardless of your plans this holiday season or your relationships with your family members, navigating holiday family gatherings in such a challenging time can lead to stress, anxiety, and depression. Should you find yourself in need of additional support this winter, Life by Design Therapy's expert providers are here for you. Contact us today to schedule a free phone consultation and learn if therapy may be helpful to you this holiday season.