Navigating Grief During the Holidays

by Melody Wright, LMFT

The time is upon us when the world seems to burst with warmth and togetherness. The holiday season, with its twinkling lights, festive decorations, and joyful gatherings, is brimming with the promise of love and laughter. However, for those who are in the midst of a grief journey the holidays can feel like a minefield of emotions. Grief doesn’t adhere to the calendar and it doesn’t discriminate. For some, it might seem like grief is a constant companion, and the holidays might trigger it to feel like a formidable one. 

Grief can be argued as one of the most complex emotions to encounter. Typically when we hear the word grief, our thoughts take us to loss, or more specifically the loss of someone. However, grief can stem from many life-altering events in a person’s life. This can include moving, a job change or loss, the loss of a loved one or pet, divorce, and even the end of a friendship. The grieving process is like a fingerprint, it’s unique to the person experiencing it.

In this blog, we’ll discuss common symptoms of grief and provide a few mindful coping techniques to support you during this holiday season. 

Understanding Grief

While everyone experiences grief in their own way, there are a few common symptoms/emotions that can occur. Understanding these common symptoms is supportive because it helps you realize that you are not alone in your experience. Grief is a natural reaction to loss, and these emotions are a testament to the depth of the connection you shared with the person or situation you are grieving.

1. Sadness or Dispair - The most well-known emotion in grief is sadness. It's a deep, overwhelming sense of loss that can leave you feeling as though the world is a much darker place. During the holidays, when the spotlight is on happiness and festivities, these feelings can become more profound.

2. Anxiety and Stress - Grief can manifest as increased stress and anxiety. The pressure to be cheerful and participate in holiday festivities can compound these feelings, making it difficult to engage in the celebrations with the same enthusiasm as before.

3. Isolation - Grief can make people withdraw from social activities. You may feel isolated and disconnected from the joy and celebrations around them, especially during the holiday season when everyone is coming together.

4. Anger and Frustration - Grief often leads to complex emotions, including anger and frustration. This anger might be directed toward yourself, the situation you’ve endured, or even the people around you. It's essential to understand that these emotions are normal responses to the grieving journey.

5. Physical Symptoms - Grief can also manifest as physical symptoms like fatigue, headaches, and changes in appetite and sleep patterns. Because the holidays, typically come with added expectations and social activities, these physical manifestations of grief can become more pronounced.

6. Nostalgia and Longing - Grief often stirs up feelings of nostalgia and deep longing. During the holiday season, when many customs and traditions are rooted in treasured memories, the absence of a loved one can intensify these sentiments, making them even more powerful.

7. Guilt - Grief can be accompanied by feelings of guilt. You might feel guilty for not being able to join in the holiday spirit or for experiencing moments of happiness amidst your grief. It's important to remember that these feelings are part of the journey and a non-judgemental space should not be held. 

Mindfully Navigating Grief

Navigating grief during the holidays can feel like an uphill climb for some people. Yet, it’s these challenging moments where these mindful techniques can support you through this season. It’s almost as though they serve as lights along the pathway to the other side of healing. Remember that implementing these techniques serves as an act of self-compassion.

Exploring these techniques below, you can empower yourself to navigate the depths of grief with grace, ultimately finding moments of balance and peace even amidst the holiday season. 

1. Journaling: Keeping a journal gives you the opportunity to release thoughts and emotions you might not feel free to do so, out loud. It can also be a great space to write letters to the person you lost, to the person whom you feel wronged you, or letters to yourself. This can be a therapeutic way to process your feelings and track your healing journey.

2. Join a Support Group: Connect with others who are also grieving. Support groups offer a sense of community and shared experiences, which can be incredibly comforting.

3. Move Your Body: Regular exercise can help alleviate stress and boost mood. A simple walk, yoga, or other physical activity can be supportive.

4. Maintain a Routine: Sticking to a regular schedule, including sleep, eating, and daily activities can create a sense of normalcy in the mindset of turbulent times.

5. Limit Alcohol and Caffeine: Alcohol and excessive caffeine can exacerbate anxiety and stress. Reducing consumption can help regulate your emotions. This is especially important during the holidays because of how convenient these beverages are to grab at a holiday gathering.

6. Volunteer or Help Others: During this season, the opportunities to give back are endless. Volunteering or supporting someone in need can offer a sense of purpose and fulfillment, helping to combat feelings of isolation.

7. Set Realistic Expectations: It’s okay to be realistic about what you can handle during the holidays and set boundaries within yourself and with others. It's okay to decline invitations or simplify traditions to reduce stress.

8. Nourish Your Body: Proper hydration and a balanced diet can positively impact your mood and overall well-being.

9. Set Future Goals: Begin to envision your future and set new goals. It can be a positive way to focus on hope and moving forward.

10. Seek Professional Support: Consider therapy or counseling to have a safe space to express your feelings and receive expert guidance on coping with grief.

If you're looking for practical resources to support yourself during times of grief, explore our blog, “All About Grief: 6 Ways to Care for Yourself While Grieving”.

Final Thoughts

Remember that everyone's grief journey is unique, and it's essential to choose techniques that resonate with you and adapt them to your individual needs. Healing takes time, and it's a process that deserves patience, self-compassion, and ongoing self-care.

If seeking professional support is a technique you choose, consider Life By Design Therapy. We have a team who will create a warm and open space for you to move through your grief. Our therapists can also help you create a unique toolkit of techniques to meet your individual needs.

If you’re located anywhere in California, click below to schedule a free no-obligation phone consultation today. 

Additional Resources 

**If you’re interested in expanding your knowledge on grief and how to support those that are grieving, check out these books below:

1. On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler

2. The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion

3. Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman

4. Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

5. The Grief Recovery Handbook: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses by John W. James and Russell Friedman

6. It's Okay That You're Not Okay: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine

7. The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller

8. A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read full disclosure here.

All About Grief - 6 Ways to Care for Yourself While Grieving

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Grief…it’s an unavoidable part of life that can be incredibly painful and potentially debilitating for some. It isn’t linear and there’s no timeline to be followed. Grief can be described as a singular emotion and yet there are many emotions involved making it feel like a whirlwind. When someone is on the roller coaster of grief recovery they may find it easy to place their own needs on the back burner or have thoughts of “what’s the point?”. Our goal in this blog is to support you in your pain and provide resources to help you find relief. We will provide you with simple coping tools to support yourself in this season of your life. 

What Should You Do While Grieving? 

1. Give Yourself Permission - this is so important during your grieving journey. In the previous “All About Grief” blog we discussed the Five Stages of Grief and one of the stages is the denial stage. Many times when we are in the denial stage of our grief, we will have feelings of numbness or even keep busy to keep our mind off the situation. If you find yourself in this position, give yourself permission to feel whatever emotions you need. This can immensely support your process. We want to remind you that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there are no right or wrong feelings to feel, but we encourage you to give yourself permission to feel them. Your grief journey is intensely personal and you are allowed to experience it no matter what it may look like.
   

2. Eat Well - Eating a balanced diet is beneficial for life in general, but it can be extremely supportive when you are experiencing major emotional fluctuations. We’re not medical doctors, however, during a grieving period, eating extra protein, omegas, and food high in B vitamins can positively impact potential mood swings. Higher protein foods like eggs, turkey, and Greek yogurt can support balancing blood sugar levels. Foods high in B vitamins like bananas can provide serotonin boosts and omega-rich food like fish provide DHA and EPA which are both linked to lowering depression levels. It’s always best to consult your physician before making changes to your diet. They can also provide additional dietary and supplement options based on your personal needs.
   

3. Move Your Body - Gentle movement can support your body in the midst of grief as well. Stepping outside to go for a walk will allow you to receive Vitamin D from the sun, which supports mood, and movement releases dopamine and serotonin in your brain which are the “feel good” hormones.
   

4. Write A Letter - Some people who have lost a loved one, experience regret for not being able to express something to that person they lost. Writing them a letter is a great way to express those things you might not have been able to. You may also be experiencing many levels of emotions and “brain dumping” on paper can help you organize your thoughts or express things you may not be able to say out loud.
   

5. Keep a Routine - Because grief comes with major life shifts, finding small things within your control can be supportive to some people. This can be as simple as making your bed as soon as you get up in the morning, or laying out your clothes for the next day before you go to bed at night. Keeping a routine can provide or return a sense of normalcy and structure to your life.
   

6. Find Others Who Are Grieving - Having those around you who understand the depth of what you are going through can provide a sense of security and comfort while riding the waves of this grieving journey. There are many grief support groups that you can find locally and there are options for therapy services as well. 

If you find yourself in the ebbs and flows of grief, having someone to provide a safe and secure place to process can support you in moving closer to the shoreline of acceptance. Therapy can provide tools to process the trauma that may be involved with the grief you’re experiencing, or find ways to cope with the emotions that suddenly arise when there is a trigger.

Life By Design Therapy has a staff that is ready to support you with this journey. You can find free resources on our website or if you’re in California you can schedule your free phone consultation below to get started. 

If you found this blog helpful, you may be interested in, “Navigating Grief During The Holidays” for some useful techniques and additional information about grief.

**If you’re interested in expanding your knowledge on grief and how to support those that are grieving, check out these books below:

1. On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler

2. The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion

3. Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman

4. Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

5. The Grief Recovery Handbook: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses by John W. James and Russell Friedman

6. It's Okay That You're Not Okay: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine

7. The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller

8. A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read full disclosure here.

All About Grief - Why Grieving Looks Different for Everyone

By Melody Wright, LMFT

If you have ever grieved anything, you understand that the process is personal and complex. It is a unique experience that cannot be compared to anyone else's, and it can manifest differently for each individual. Grieving timelines, methods of coping, and the emotions experienced by the person can be completely different than another person's experience. It’s important to remember that there is no right or wrong way to walk this process out. It can be helpful to understand how people cope with grief so that you can be better equipped to support yourself or someone else who may be going through this difficult process. 

What is Grief? 

Grief is a natural and universal response to loss. While grief is most commonly associated with the loss of a loved one, it can also be felt during the loss of an important relationship, health issues, loss of a job, and even moving to a new home. Grief can be described as a basket of emotions because you can have multiple feelings at once, even some that you might not expect. 

For instance, let’s think about an adult child caring for their parent with dementia during the final stages of their life. This caretaker watches the person they love lose themselves little by little, as well as the ability to take care of their everyday basic needs. As time moves forward, the parent passes away and the caretaker finds themselves feeling relieved and then guilty for feeling relieved. 

The reality is, while this may not have been the emotion that was anticipated for the grieving process, it’s perfectly normal and okay to feel this sense of relief and sadness at the same time.

The 5 Stages of Grief

I’m sure you have heard of The Five Stages of Grief. These guidelines are an attempt to explain the different stages of grief and the emotions that may come up. Each stage of grief has its own unique set of challenges and emotions associated with it, but they all eventually lead to acceptance of the loss. By recognizing the signs and symptoms associated with each stage, we can learn how to better manage our emotions as we move through the grieving process or support others with their process. 

The five stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. However, as we mentioned before, grief is not a one-size-fits-all and you can experience two or three of these stages all at once. So what are some of the symptoms and emotions that are associated with each stage? 

1. Denial - you may feel easily distracted, numb, confused, or even find yourself staying busy to keep your mind off your new reality.

2. Anger - during this stage you may feel upset with yourself and others. It may come out as irritability, frustration, impatience, etc.

3. Bargaining - you may find yourself negotiating with a higher power or making deals with yourself. You may also experience guilt, shame, insecurity, and anxiety.

4. Depression - during this stage you may find yourself weeping more, feeling sadness, fear, regret, or uncertainty. There might also be changes in your appetite, sleep patterns, and energy levels.

5. Acceptance - here you will find yourself beginning to emotionally detach. You’ll have the ability to be more present, vulnerable, and engage with reality.   

Why Does Grief Look Different for Everyone? 

The answer is simply…everyone is different. We all have different stories, perspectives, and traumas that we work through during a grieving process. However you may be experiencing grief, it’s perfectly ok. There is no right and wrong way to process and you have permission to feel exactly the way you need to feel to work through your grief journey. For some, grief is a debilitating experience, and for those journeying that out, it is helping to have someone to support you in your process and provide tools to help you move forward. If you find yourself in a situation like this, consider scheduling a free phone consultation with one of our qualified clinicians here at Life By Design Therapy. 

**If you’re interested in expanding your knowledge on grief and how to support those that are grieving, check out these books below:

1. On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler

2. The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion

3. Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman

4. Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

5. The Grief Recovery Handbook: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses by John W. James and Russell Friedman

6. It's Okay That You're Not Okay: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine

7. The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller

8. A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read full disclosure here.

A Brief Introduction to the Five Gates of Grief

by Ashley Gregory, LMFT

How to Learn About Death 

At some point as a young person, were you also absolutely fascinated by Ancient Egypt? Perhaps your sixth grade history class was also woefully uneventful before learning about mummification, hieroglyphics and golden sarcophagi (plural for sarcophagus). Honestly, what I remember most is what it meant to me to be talking about death. 

At that time, I had not lost anyone close to me; there were no friends or family members I knew who had died. I did not know what to do if someone were to die. There was no guide or practice to lean on. I only knew to hope that no one close to me would die before I figured it out or someone told me. The Ancient Egyptians, on the other hand, knew how to prepare their beloved for death. Some part of me longed for direction around such a profound life event. I had so many questions -- questions that had yet to take shape in words, yet were becoming louder in my being. 

In his book The Wild Edge of Sorrow, Francis Willer introduces the “Five Gates of Grief.” When I first heard of the gates of grief, I remember feeling relieved. Finally, I thought, an invitation to grief that is open to everyone. The gates offer structure to the shared woundedness in our human experiences, pointing us to healing in ways that are both profoundly unique and exquisitely collective. As you become familiar with the Five Gates of Grief, I invite you to notice what arises in your experience and to be gentle with yourself in the process. 

The First Gate: Everything We Love, We Will Lose

For Weller, the first gate is the gate most popularly acknowledged--it is the grief of when we lose something or someone we love. That something can be a tangible thing or an idea about ourselves in the past, how things used to be. Whatever it was, it meant something to us. It met our need for beauty, perhaps, or for choice or for order. Loss of a way things once were may describe an experience of illness. It is at this gate that we are confronted with impermanence. Essentially, “everything is a gift, and nothing lasts (24).” It is change that is most reliable because nothing and no one lasts forever. 

The Second Gate: The Places That Have Not Known Love

Grief at the second gate is about the parts of us who “have been wrapped in shame and banished to the farthest shores of our lives (31).” We enter this gate by designating parts of us as despicable and unloveable. What would happen if we listened to these parts? What would it take for us to acknowledge the worthiness of our most despised aspects of ourselves? Much of the time, the exiled parts of us are those who have suffered the loss of tender touch or soothing embraces. These parts are the young ones who made sense of harsh words or persistent betrayals by blaming themselves. These are the experiences of what is known as developmental trauma--ruptures in our sense of self, in the way we understand the world and who we can count on to protect us. What do we need to do in order to approach our exiled parts and reassure them of their worthiness?

The Third Gate: The Sorrows of the World

It is at the third gate that we acknowledge losses on a planetary scale. Weller asserts that “Whether or not we consciously recognize it, the daily diminishment of species, habitats, and cultures is noted in our psyches. Much of the grief we carry is not personal, but shared, communal (46).” In our fast-paced world, how often is it that we pause to honor the grief arising from the streams, mountains, oceans and land? Entering grief through this gate means opening ourselves up to profound feelings of despair and awe. “Remembering our bond with the earth,” Weller suggests, “helps heal our bodies and souls (52).” 

The Fourth Gate: What We Expected and Did Not Receive

The fourth gate speaks to our felt sense of emptiness, of isolation embodied in the fractured relationships with all life and the instability of societies prioritizing profit over collective well-being. “Our profound feelings of lacking something are not a reflection of a personal failure, but the reflection of a society that has failed to offer us what we were designed to expect (Weller, 53).” We are designed for connection and contribution. For thousands of years, humans relied on one another to flourish. Not until relatively suddenly in our long history have many of us lived in a way which denies our unique gifts. To be known and to be seen through creativity, play and story is familiar and soothing. What might it mean for you to explore your sense of purpose?

The Fifth Gate: Ancestral Grief

At the fifth gate we acknowledge the grief of our ancestors, an acknowledgment of the ways we have taken on their suffering. It is also where we face the monumental injustices of our past, the violence and systematic assaults of war, colonialism, slavery and genocide. “The long shadow of this violence persists in our psyches, and we need to address it and work with it until there is some genuine atonement for these wrongs (Weller, 68).” Lastly, this gate offers an invitation to re-establish awareness of one’s roots while mourning the loss of our ancestors. 

Our Grief is Worthy of Attention

Comparison and dismissiveness lay the foundation for dis-ease. Drawing our attention to and offering compassion towards our own suffering does not diminish our care and consideration for the suffering around us. In truth, we are all worthy of attending to what brings us to the gates of grief.