10 Signs You Grew Up with Emotionally Unavailable Parents & How to Start Healing

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Have you ever felt like you’re carrying invisible baggage from your childhood like patterns, feelings, or struggles you can’t quite explain?

Maybe you’ve even caught yourself wondering, 

Why do I struggle to feel seen or heard in my relationships? 

Or 

Why do I struggle to ask for help or trust others? 

If these thoughts resonate, you’re not alone.

The effects of growing up with an emotionally unavailable parent often show up in subtle, and persistent ways, kind of like a shadow following you through life. 

Over time, this emotional void can shape your sense of self and the way you navigate relationships, often in ways that you may not fully realize until adulthood. 

These traits don’t mean there’s something wrong with you; rather, they’re a testament to your resilience and your ability to adapt to a challenging environment.

This blog isn’t about blame, it’s about understanding. 

By exploring these common traits, my hope is that you’ll feel a sense of validation and connection. 

You are not alone in your experiences, and by recognizing these patterns, you can take meaningful steps toward healing, self-acceptance, and healthier relationships.

Let’s dive into the ten traits that might feel all too familiar and explore how they came to be.

10 Signs You Grew Up With Emotional Unavailable Parents

You Struggle to Express Your Emotions

If sharing your feelings feels unnatural or even scary, it’s not because something is wrong with you. 

If you grew up in an environment where emotions were dismissed or ignored, you likely learned to suppress them for survival.

Because of this, you may have disconnected from your emotions entirely to protect yourself from hurt.

How to Begin Healing and Growing:

• Give yourself permission to feel. You can start by simply acknowledging your emotions without judgment.

• Try journaling or using an emotions chart to reconnect with your inner world.

• Share small pieces of your feelings with someone you trust, reminding yourself that it’s okay to start slow.

You Feel Like You Have to Do Everything Alone

If you identify as someone who is fiercely independent, there’s a chance your parents were unavailable to you or even made you feel like a burden. 

If this feels familiar, you may have learned early on that asking for help wasn’t an option.

While that independence is a testament to your strength, it may also leave you feeling isolated.

How to Begin Healing and Growing:

• Start small by asking for support in low-stakes situations, like help with a household task.

• Reflect on the people in your life who have shown they’re reliable and safe, and practice leaning on them gradually.

• Take time to remind yourself that allowing others to help isn’t a weakness, it’s an act of trust and connection.

You Try to Keep Everyone Else Happy

Do you find yourself bending over backward to make others happy, even at your own expense?

If this resonates, you might have grown up in an environment where love felt conditional.

Pleasing others might have been your way of avoiding conflict or earning approval.

How to Begin Healing and Growing:

• Pause before saying yes to anything and ask yourself, “Am I doing this because I want to, or because I feel like I have to?”

• Practice setting small boundaries, like turning down a request, and notice how it feels to honor your needs.

• Remind yourself that your worth is not tied to what you do for others.

You Struggle to Feel Good About Yourself

When emotional validation is lacking in childhood, kids often internalize it as a reflection of their worth. 

If you’ve ever felt like you’re not “enough,” not good enough, smart enough, or lovable enough, it’s okay. 

Many people share this experience. Please know that those feelings of unworthiness don’t define you.

How to Begin Healing and Growing:

• Challenge negative self-talk by practicing self-compassion. Speak to yourself like you would a close friend.

• Surround yourself with people who celebrate you for who you are, not just what you do.

• Practice affirmations that remind you: I am enough, just as I am.

• Utilize the R.A.I.N technique - read more about that HERE.

You Value Connection & Fear Losing It

Feeling like people might leave you can be overwhelming.

Growing up with emotional neglect may have created a deep fear that connection isn’t safe or lasting.

Did you know this fear isn’t a sign of weakness?

It’s actually your mind and body trying to protect you.

How to Begin Healing and Growing:

• Notice when fear of rejection arises and remind yourself that your past doesn’t dictate your present.

• Practice open communication with loved ones about your fears—it can help build trust and understanding.

• Consider working with a somatic therapist to explore where these fears come from and how to rewrite the narrative. 

You Find It Hard to Set Boundaries

Does saying “no” feel impossible or asserting your needs brings up feelings of guilt?

Many adults who grew up with emotionally unavailable parents learned to prioritize others’ needs while ignoring their own. 

But your needs matter, too.

How to Begin Healing and Growing:

• Start with small boundaries, like taking 10 minutes of alone time when you need it.

• Practice saying something like, “I can’t do that right now, but I appreciate you asking”, to build confidence.

• Remind yourself that boundaries don’t push people away, they strengthen relationships by cultivating mutual respect.

You’re Drawn to Emotionally Unavailable Partners

Do you find yourself in relationships where your needs aren’t met, yet you stay, hoping things will change? 

It’s not your fault.

We often unconsciously gravitate toward what feels familiar, even when it’s painful.

How to Begin Healing and Growing:

• Reflect on what feels familiar in your relationships and ask yourself if it serves you.

• Seek relationships that demonstrate consistency, empathy, and emotional availability.

• Start with you. Work on loving and validating yourself first, so you’re less likely to seek it from unavailable people.

You’re Consistently on Edge in Relationships

Do you constantly anticipate conflict or withdrawal, even when there’s no clear reason?

Growing up in an unpredictable environment can train your nervous system to stay on high alert. 

This hypervigilance may have been your way of staying safe as a child.

Remember to have compassion for yourself as you navigate regulating your nervous system.

How to Begin Healing and Growing:

• Practice grounding techniques, like deep breathing or mindfulness, to calm your nervous system.

• Remind yourself that not every change in mood signals danger, it’s okay to pause before reacting.

• Therapy like EMDR and Somatic can help you retrain your brain to feel safe in healthy, stable relationships.

You Find It Hard to Trust People

If trusting others feels impossible, it’s not because you’re “broken.”

When caregivers were unreliable or dismissive, you likely learned to rely on yourself.

Trusting others now can feel risky, but it’s a skill that can be developed.

How to Begin Healing and Growing:

• Start small by noticing who in your life has shown consistency and care.

• Practice sharing little pieces of yourself and see how others respond. It’s okay to go slow.

• Reflect on the fact that trust grows in increments, not all at once, and that’s okay.

You Feel Like You Have to Be Perfect

If you’ve spent your life striving for perfection, it might be because you felt like nothing you did was ever “good enough” growing up.

Overachieving might have been your way of trying to earn love or avoid criticism, but it’s a heavy burden to carry.

How to Begin Healing and Growing:

• Celebrate progress over perfection, and acknowledge the effort you put in, even when things aren’t flawless.

• Give yourself permission to rest and remind yourself that your value isn’t tied to what you achieve.

• Work on embracing imperfection as part of being human, it’s what makes you real and relatable.

Final Thoughts

The traits you’ve developed aren’t flaws, they’re survival mechanisms that helped you navigate a challenging environment. 

Here’s the good news, they don’t have to define you anymore!

With awareness, self-compassion, and support, you can begin to rewrite the patterns and step into a life where your emotional needs are met, both by yourself and others.

Healing is a journey, but every small step is a testament to your strength and resilience. 

You are worthy of love, care, and connection, and it’s never too late to begin. 

If you’re ready to take that next step, therapy can provide a safe and supportive space to guide you on your journey. 

Reach out today and let’s begin this process together. 

CLICK HERE to schedule a phone consultation. 

This Weeks Affirmations

1. I am enough, just as I am. I don’t need to prove my worth.

2. I can embrace imperfection as a part of being human.

3. My past shaped me, but it doesn’t define who I am today.

4. I deserve relationships where I feel seen, heard, and valued.

5. It’s okay to ask for help. I don’t have to do everything alone.

Additional Resources 

**If you’re interested in learning more about growing up with emotionally unavailable parents check out these books below:

1. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson

2. Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb

3. It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle by Mark Wolynn

4. Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance by Kelly McDaniel

5. Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship by Stan Tatkin

6. What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing by Dr. Bruce D. Perry and Oprah Winfrey

7. Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Dr. Kristin Neff

8. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson

9. The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self by Alice Miller

10.  The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.

Create a New Legacy - Overcoming and Breaking the Cycle of Familial Trauma

By Melody Wright, LMFT

I have encountered a lot of things in my time as a therapist, however, one of the common deep-rooted issues people come to me with stems from the way they grew up. Everyone has a different upbringing but there is often a deep seeded trauma that is recognized throughout our sessions that point to a cyclic pattern within the family system. It ranges from addiction, the way they were parented and punishment styles growing up, and even the way their parents would relate to them. These patterns have shaped the way my clients engage in relationships, and perceive themselves and their worth and even their world views. All of these things can be categorized under the umbrella of Familial Trauma. 

What is Familial Trauma? 

Familial trauma is the consequence of living with traumatic events and memories that were unintentionally passed on from generation to generation. Because it’s such a deeply ingrained experience within the family it can have lasting impacts on individuals into adulthood. Familial trauma can manifest itself in many ways such as disassociation, estrangement, and even addiction. For example, if you had a parent that couldn’t self-regulate, you may also suffer from the inability to regulate your nervous system even in minor situations. You might also develop the habit of putting everyone else's needs before your own. This is due to having to suppress your own emotions to accommodate your family members. In situations like this, it can lead to depression, anxiety, and overwhelm. The cycle of trauma is present because typically your family members were raised by parents who could also not regulate their nervous systems, as well. This is only one example of familial trauma, however, many other situations can cause challenges to overcome as you grow. 

How Do We Break the Cycle?

1. Become Aware of Your Own Patterns - Many people who have experienced familial trauma have a tendency to minimize or even deny the effects of what they’ve experienced especially if it’s something that commonly occurs in their family dynamic. It is important to become aware of any hurt or pain that you’ve endured as well as recognize if you have picked up any of the cyclic behaviors yourself. “Awareness is like the sun, when it shines, things are transformed” - Thich Nhat Hanh
   

2. Allow The Relationships to Change - this part can be complex and challenging. By recognizing and implementing the importance of breaking the cycles and healing your trauma, your family might push back. Finding space within yourself to settle with the fact that your relationships will look different will make the healing journey just a little bit easier.
   

3. Take Care of You - When working through trauma, one of the best things you can do for yourself is care for your own needs. Especially when working through familial trauma, some people may find it challenging to care for themselves. This can look like starting a new routine, finding a new hobby that makes you happy, and setting boundaries.
   

4. Find Forgiveness - Forgiveness is another aspect of the healing process. Forgiveness is not about condoning or forgetting the past but rather about letting go of anger and resentment towards those who have hurt us. Forgiveness can be a difficult leap to make, but it is a crucial step in the healing process because it allows us to move forward with a greater sense of inner peace and freedom.
   

5. Reach Out - As we discussed, familial trauma is something that can be so ingrained within us, we need people in our corner who are going to actively listen, support and encourage us to continue to press forward rather than return to our familiar ways. Not only are friends a great support, but having a therapist can also be beneficial to your journey. A therapist will carry modalities to support your individual needs, and provide an unbiased space for you to work through the things you need to. 

Creating a new legacy is the goal of the healing process. Breaking the cycle of trauma by learning healthy coping mechanisms, practicing self-compassion, and taking steps toward creating a positive future will benefit future generations. We understand that breaking cycles is a complex and highly unique voyage. 

Here at Life By Design Therapy, we have trauma-informed and culturally competent staff to support you as you walk through your healing journey. If you are ready to start healing CLICK HERE to schedule your free phone consultation with one of our staff members. 

Additional Resources

If you would like to learn more about different forms of trauma and how to heal, below are a few books to expand your knowledge.

1. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma by Pete Walker

2. My Grandmother's Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies by Resmaa Menakem

3. “Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men" by Robert Ackerman

4. “The Emotionally Absent Mother: How to Recognize and Heal the Invisible Effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect” by Jasmin Lee Cori

5. "It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle" by Mark Wolynn

6. "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson

7. The Color of Law: A Forgotten History of How Our Government Segregated America by Richard Rothstein

8. Freedom Is a Constant Struggle: Ferguson, Palestine, and the Foundations of a Movement by Angela Y. Davis 

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.

How to Navigate Difficult Conversations with Family Over the Holidays

by Melody Wright, LMFT

For many of us, these next few weeks will be filled with plans to see loved ones or get together with old friends. Depending on limitations that the pandemic has placed in your area, this may be the first time you will be reconnecting with friends and family in a long time. Whether you’re planning to see family in-person or virtually, we want to make sure you feel prepared to interact with people that you may not have seen in a while. 

Seeing family over the holidays sometimes means having to have difficult or uncomfortable conversations, especially after not interacting for months. In an effort to quickly catch up with you, they may start asking questions in true rapid fire fashion; “How have you been?” “How is work going?” or “How is life treating you?” as soon as you walk through the door. While these questions may sound harmless to others, they may bring up certain subjects that you may not be comfortable talking about. A recent change in your relationship status or changes in your physical appearance may prompt additional questions that you may not be ready to answer, and it’s important to recognize which topics may trigger discomfort or other unpleasant feelings for you. 

If you find yourself needing to navigate a difficult conversation with a family member over the holidays, review the strategies below and see which one you are comfortable using:

• Make sure you feel nourished and balanced before a difficult conversation. The act of nourishing yourself can be physical or emotional. Whether it’s making sure that you’ve had your breakfast and coffee, or completing a 5-minute mindfulness exercise before heading over to your loved ones, nourishing yourself can help you respond better to uncomfortable questions. 

• Approach conversations with empathy. Most of the time people mean well when they are asking how you are or want to know about a recent change in your life. When we recognize that others are coming from a place of good and assume positive intent, we are able to respond from a place of empathy rather than defensiveness. 

• Redirect as needed. Some conversations can be emotionally-charged as soon as they begin. If you feel yourself getting worked up or having a clear stress response in your body during a conversation, find an “out” that you are comfortable with. This can be something as simple as excusing yourself to the bathroom to collect your thoughts. Giving yourself a 5-minute pause can give you the break that you need to make a decision about how you want to respond to a conversation. 

• State your boundaries. If you are with a person that you feel you can express your boundaries to, more power to you! It is great to have some phrases ready to help you set these boundaries. This can include phrases such as “I’m not comfortable talking about that, how did you like the apple pie mom made?” or “That’s not something I’m ready to share yet, let me help you carry those plates to the kitchen.” These can help you express your boundary and give you an opportunity to continue with a conversation that you are comfortable having. 

Remember that you are under no obligation to have conversations that make you uncomfortable simply to please others. We hope you are looking forward to all of the people you plan to see this holiday season, and that the tips above will help you navigate any difficult conversation that comes your way. If you haven’t already, check-out last year’s blog about coping with family gatherings for more tips and information on how to respond to difficult family members. 

Although we always hope for the best, sometimes these conversations do not always end well regardless of how hard we try to keep them on a positive note. Having to constantly feel uncomfortable in the presence of others may make us reevaluate our relationships with our loved ones. If you’ve decided to end or slowly fade away from a relationship with a loved one and are needing to process that loss, allow us at Life by Design to help. Look out for our upcoming workshops on Loss for more information.

How to Cope with Holiday Family Gatherings During COVID

by Melody Wright, LMFT

The holidays are a time ripe for family gatherings. While those gatherings may look different this year, getting together with family members can present challenges no matter what. 
As much as we appreciate getting to spend time with our loved ones, the holidays often mean spending time with some difficult relatives. This year especially, it could mean spending time with people who don't take the COVID-19 pandemic seriously.

Preparing in advance for the challenges and disappointments you may face during the holidays can help you better cope with this hectic time of year. Here is some advice to keep in mind as you navigate the 2020 holiday season with your family.

How to Handle Difficult Relatives

We all have relatives we would rather avoid whenever possible. Our relationships with some relatives can range from uncomfortable to toxic. Regardless of why you prefer to stay away from a certain relative, the holidays can make it challenging or even impossible to sever contact with that person. That being said, there are still steps you can take to protect your mental health and minimize discomfort during the holiday season.

Set Firm Boundaries

As much as we would love to give people the benefit of the doubt, chances are that your relative is going to behave exactly as you expect them to. You may not be able to change their behavior, but you can at least prepare for how you're going to respond to it. 

The key to setting firm but fair boundaries is to lay down clear ground rules in advance. You may not feel comfortable talking to your relative about their behavior, but you can make it clear to other guests whom you do trust that you would prefer not to discuss a certain topic or have a physical boundary violated. This way, your other family members can back you up when you assert your boundaries.

Asserting your boundaries does not need to mean sparking a conflict. You might be worried about standing up for yourself for fear it will ruin the holidays with an argument -- but oftentimes, saying something as simple as "I'd rather not talk about that right now" or changing the subject is enough for most people to get the hint.

Accept What You Can't Control

As we mentioned before, you can't change your family member's inappropriate behavior. It can be difficult, saddening, or even enraging to confront the idea that your family member may never change. After all, we would all rather have a positive relationship with our relatives whenever possible. 

However, spending time wishing that you had a different relationship with your relatives, or that their behavior was different, does little to actually change the situation. Instead, it's better to focus on the parts of your interactions that you can control. 

You cannot necessarily stop your relative from asking uncomfortable questions or infringing upon your personal boundaries, but you can at least plan for how you will respond to it. While their behavior is not within your control, your reaction to it always is.

Excuse Yourself As Needed

Frequently, it's easier said than done to navigate a difficult family relationship with patience and grace. You are only human, and you cannot blame yourself for becoming angry, uncomfortable, or embarrassed in light of your relative's behavior toward you. What you can do is create an exit strategy in case of an emergency. 

You may be concerned about sparking conflict or losing control of your temper in the event your emotions become overwhelming. If you feel yourself starting to get caught up in uncomfortable emotions, plan to excuse yourself from the conversation -- or even the gathering as a whole. Feigning the need for a bathroom break, or heading to the table for seconds, is a polite but effective way to excuse yourself from an unpleasant family interaction. 

That being said, it may not always be possible to physically leave the presence of your relative, such as during a virtual gathering. In that case, consider mentally excusing yourself for a break: take five deep breaths before returning to the conversation feeling calmer and more collected.

When Guests Won't Follow COVID-19 Rules

This year, the holidays present a unique challenge. Most of the time, dealing with relatives we disagree with can lead to awkward silence or uncomfortable conversations. However, in light of COVID-19, being around relatives who do not take the pandemic seriously could put your health and safety at serious risk. You may find yourself facing difficult decisions as you weigh the pros and cons of getting together with certain family members during the holidays. If you expect that the changes due to COVID-19 will disappoint or anger a particular relative, here's what you can do in advance to cope with the situation at hand. 

Move Your Holiday Gathering Online

Getting together with family over the holidays presents a number of causes for concern. For one thing, there is the question of what precautions to take: will your family be willing to hold their celebrations outdoors, forego certain traditions, or wear masks throughout the festivities? You may also be concerned about the safety of your elderly and immunocompromised relatives, and whether it is worth compromising their health to see them in person during the holidays.

Whatever you and your family decide, it's more than likely that at least one member of your family will disagree over what precautions to take or how careful you should be during the holiday season. Regardless of that person's feelings on the matter, however, it is not worth compromising everyone else's health and safety to accommodate their difference in beliefs.

The safest decision is to hold your holiday celebrations online rather than in-person. While some relatives will undoubtedly disagree with your choice, virtual holiday gatherings eliminate the need for concern over what precautions to take when meeting in person. This way, everyone can stay safe and protect their health -- even if others in the family choose not to wear masks.

Avoid a Debate

Unfortunately, wearing a mask or protecting yourself from COVID-19 has become a political issue, when it should be a health and safety issue. That being said, there's not much we can do about it, other than to accept the situation for what it is. 

When it comes to spending time with loved ones over the holidays, that means acknowledging that someone's opinion on the pandemic cannot be easily swayed. Trying to change your relative's mind about COVID-19 will almost never succeed, but it will almost always spark a debate. Conflict over political issues gets in the way of having a holly jolly holiday season and may upset or disappoint other relatives.

Ultimately, what matters isn't that everyone in your family believes COVID-19 is serious or not, or whether or not they listen to scientists or doctors. Even if you think the right answer is obvious, other people's minds are not so easily changed. The most important thing is that you and your family stay safe. Regardless of whether your relative understands your reasoning or believes in the safety guidelines, you can still be firm with your boundaries to keep yourself and your other family members happy and healthy.

Accept Inevitable Disappointment

If you struggle with people-pleasing, the idea of letting down your relatives this holiday season is probably stressful at best. Nobody wants to disappoint the people they care about -- but when pleasing everyone could come at the expense of another person's health, it isn't worth trying to placate your entire family.

As much as it can hurt to know we are upsetting someone we love, it's important to acknowledge and accept the fact that at least one person will most likely disagree with your decisions. At a time like this, you cannot stave off everyone's disappointment without putting your health and safety at risk. 

Most importantly, you cannot change their emotions through sheer force of will. Some disappointment is inevitable when it comes to canceling beloved holiday traditions or foregoing an in-person celebration -- chances are, you're feeling it, too. Without compromising your boundaries, which you are in no way obligated to do, the most you can do for your loved ones is apologize and commiserate about your shared disappointment.

Regardless of your plans this holiday season or your relationships with your family members, navigating holiday family gatherings in such a challenging time can lead to stress, anxiety, and depression. Should you find yourself in need of additional support this winter, Life by Design Therapy's expert providers are here for you. Contact us today to schedule a free phone consultation and learn if therapy may be helpful to you this holiday season.