7 Strategies for Surviving Holiday Gatherings

By Melody Wright, LMFT

It’s hard to believe but the holidays are right around the corner.

For some, they are a time of joy and bliss, but for others, the holidays might bring unwanted stress. 

I can’t tell you how many stories I’ve heard from people who look forward to the season but secretly dread the pressures that come with it. 

Despite our best intentions, it can feel like those pressures bubble up year after year, especially during gatherings.

So, why does that happen? Why does the stress of holiday gatherings feel so overwhelming? 

Part of it has to do with family dynamics, but our own stress often plays a big role, sometimes without us even realizing it. 

Fortunately, once I understood the reasons behind this pattern, I discovered a few simple strategies that help manage the stress and bring a little more peace to the season.

Here’s what I’ve learned along the way.

Why Conflicts Escalate During the Holidays

If you’ve ever walked into a family gathering with a sense of dread, anticipating an awkward conversation or simmering argument, you’re not alone. 

Holiday gatherings can amplify family tensions for many reasons. 

However, the pressure we place on ourselves to make everything "perfect" contributes to as much stress as family dynamics do. 

When we blend high expectations with old family tensions, the holidays can easily become a time of emotional strain.

Understanding the different stressors, both internal and external, can help us approach gatherings with less pressure, more patience, and a healthier mindset.

Are Your Holiday Expectations Set Too High?

During the holidays, many of us push ourselves to create the “perfect” experience. You know the experience of a beautifully decorated home, a festive meal, and the seamless gift exchanges. 

Sometimes we hold an idealized picture of how it should all go, hoping for a flawless, joyous day. However, this high bar we set for ourselves can possibly become a double-edged sword. 

When reality falls short of these expectations, it can be easy to feel like we’ve failed or missed the mark, and that frustration can spill over onto those around us. 

Combined with family dynamics, this personal pressure can fuel misunderstandings, magnify small tensions, and create a sense of disappointment that leaves everyone feeling strained.

Are You Holding onto Old Grudges and
Unresolved Issues?

It’s no secret that family gatherings have a way of stirring up the past.

Maybe it’s an old argument that never quite got resolved or some long-standing sibling rivalry.

When we’re around family we haven’t seen in a while, those unresolved issues tend to come up, even when you least expect it.

It’s almost like the past sneaks into the present, and suddenly, small disagreements can spiral into something much bigger.

Are Stress and Exhaustion Weighing You Down?

The holidays are exhausting.

Between shopping, cooking, traveling, and trying to please everyone, you might find yourself running on fumes by the time the big family event rolls around.

And when you’re tired, it’s easy for your patience levels to wear thin.

Things that wouldn’t normally bother you, can feel like a much bigger deal than it might be. 

Is Financial Pressure Adding to the Stress?

This one might be tough to talk about, but it’s real. 

The financial strain of the holidays comes from buying gifts, hosting dinners, or traveling to see family and it can really add up. 

It’s easy for those money worries to bleed into family interactions, even when we don’t mean for them to.

Are You Feeling Grief or Loneliness This Holiday Season?

For those of you who’ve lost someone, or are going through a breakup or divorce, the holidays can be especially hard.

When grief is present it might show up as irritability or withdrawal.

There might even be some years where grief makes this holiday harder than the last.

Grief is such a personal experience which makes it tough because not everyone understands what’s really going on inside.

Now that we've gone over why conflicts escalate during the holidays, lets explore way to manage the pressures and conflicts that occur during holiday gatherings. 

7 Ways To Manage The Pressures Of The Holiday Gatherings

So, how do we handle all of this without letting the conflict take over? Here are a few strategies that can make a big difference as you navigate upcoming family functions:

Set Realistic Expectations

One thing we need to consider is where these expectations come from. Are they coming from us or the expectations of others? 

Actionable Step: Pause and journal out your thoughts. What expectations are you putting on yourself? Where do they stem from? What expectations are coming from others and why do we feel it necessary to meet them?

The truth is, nothing is ever perfect, because everyone has a different perspective of what “perfect” is.

And that’s okay.

When we are able to release the pressure of meeting certain expectations, disappointment has the opportunity to fade away. 

Remember, the holidays are about connection, not perfection, and keeping that in mind can really help lower your stress levels.

Recognize Responsibility

If you’re someone who considers yourself a people pleaser, the holidays might be especially tough.

I understand, you desire for everyone to be happy, and when family conflicts start, you might feel like it's on you to smooth things over.

I want to remind you that you are not responsible for the emotions of others. 

If tensions flare or arguments break out, it’s not your job to fix everything.
You can’t control how others react, only how you respond.

Do your best to detach from the outcome of the conflict and focus on staying calm and centered.

Remind yourself that it’s okay to set boundaries and you’re not being selfish by taking care of your own mental and emotional well-being.

This might be surprising, but you’ll actually be in a better position to contribute to a healthier, more peaceful atmosphere without taking on the weight of everyone else’s emotions.

This holiday season, give yourself permission to let go of the need to please everyone and remember that your peace is just as important as anyone else’s.

Practicing Active Listening

I’ve found that when tensions rise, listening is my best tool.

Not just listening to respond, but really listening to understand.

When someone else is upset, try to pause and listen without interrupting.

It’s amazing how much it can diffuse a situation just by allowing the other person to feel heard.

Often it’s not about solving the problem right away, but about giving people space to express themselves.

Take Breaks

When things start to feel tense, it’s okay to step away.

Actionable Step: Consider going for a walk or finding a quiet space for a few minutes.

For some powering through is what you’re used to doing, but I want to encourage you to give yourself permission to take a break.

When you’re able to reset you can come back feeling calmer and more patient.

Avoid Sensitive Topics

When things start to feel tense, it’s okay to step away.

Actionable Step: Consider going for a walk or finding a quiet space for a few minutes.

For some powering through is what you’re used to doing, but I want to encourage you to give yourself permission to take a break.

When you’re able to reset you can come back feeling calmer and more patient.

Avoid Sensitive Topics

Let’s be honest, with it being an election year it might be tougher to avoid sensitive topics, but every family has hot-button conversations that are better left alone.

Whether it’s politics, religion, or unresolved family issues, sometimes it is just best to steer clear of those topics during the holidays. 

If you feel one starting, I’ll gently change the subject to something lighter. Sometimes, agreeing to disagree is the best way to keep the peace.

Actionable Step: Try preparing redirection phases before your family gathering. For example, “Oh, that’s a big topic, but I would love to hear what you’ve been up to lately, how’s ___ going?”

Address Issues Beforehand

If there’s a lingering issue between you and a family member, it might be better to address it before the holiday gathering.

By having a conversation ahead of time, even just a brief phone call, you can clear the air and prevent unresolved tension from turning into conflict during the holidays.

However, I know how intimidating that can be. 

To feel more comfortable addressing issues beforehand, choose a calm, distraction-free time and approach the conversation with kindness, using "I" statements to focus on your feelings rather than blame.

Practicing what you want to say can boost your confidence, and starting with small, neutral topics can ease into more difficult discussions.

Remember that it's okay to set boundaries and pause the conversation if needed.

Try to end on a positive note, acknowledging the effort and focusing on the shared goal of having a peaceful, enjoyable holiday.

Let Go of the Small Stuff

Not everything is worth a fight.

I know sometimes it feels like we need to engage in every argument, but feeling the need to prove ourselves can be exhausting.

Remember this holiday, the goal is to keep our peace. 

Embracing the idea of letting go of the little things can ensure that this happens for you.

In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter if you don’t win that debate or if someone has a different opinion?

Choosing to let go doesn’t mean giving up or being passive, it means valuing your inner self and the well-being of your family over being “right.”

It’s freeing to realize that not every disagreement needs to be resolved, and sometimes the best response is no response at all.

final reflections

The holidays can certainly be challenging, but with a bit of patience and a few thoughtful strategies, it’s possible to manage the stress while still enjoying the season.

It’s not about creating a picture-perfect holiday or avoiding every conflict, instead, it’s about finding ways to stay grounded and nurture meaningful connections with the people we care about.

What truly matters are those moments of laughter, shared meals, and quiet connections that bring us together.

Family conflicts may arise, and that’s okay.

They don’t have to define the season.

This Weeks Affirmations 

1. I release the need to control the situation and focus on my own well-being.

2. I honor my emotions without letting them overwhelm me.

3. I choose connection and love over the need to be right.

4. I am capable of creating a joyful, peaceful holiday, no matter what comes my way.

5. I respond with kindness and patience, even when tensions rise.

Additional Resources

**If you’re interested in learning more about communication tips & managing stress check out these books below:

1. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend 

2. Setting Boundaries with Difficult People: Six Steps to Sanity for Challenging Relationships by David J. Lieberman

3. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg

4. The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You’re Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate by Harriet Lerner

5. Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach

6. The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle

7. Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski

8. The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown

9. How to Love (Mindfulness Essentials) by Thich Nhat Hanh 

10. Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day by Anne Katherine

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.

11 Warning Signs That Your Personal Ambitions Are Putting Strain on Your Relationship

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Do you ever wonder if your personal ambitions are coming at a cost to your relationship? Balancing individual goals with the needs of a partnership can be challenging, and sometimes, the scales tip too far in one direction. Understanding the signs that your personal goals might be negatively affecting your relationship can help you find a healthier balance and ensure that both your aspirations and your relationship thrives. 

Here are 11 signs to watch for:

1. Increased Tension and Arguments

Are you noticing more frequent arguments with your partner? When personal goals start taking precedence over your relationship, tension can escalate. This tension can stem from underlying resentment if your partner feels undervalued or sidelined by your ambitions. Disagreements over time management, priorities, and support can become common, leading to a strained relationship and feelings of disconnect.

2. Decreased Quality Time

Spending less time together is a significant sign. If you're too focused on achieving your personal goals, the quality time you spend with your partner might decrease. You may start feeling more like roommates than partners, with separate lives that rarely intersect meaningfully. This can lead to feelings of neglect and isolation, causing a rift in your bond and connection.

3. Lack of Communication

Communication breakdown is another red flag. When personal goals dominate your thoughts, you may find it challenging to communicate effectively with your partner.  For instance, imagine you're focused on advancing in your career and have less time to discuss household responsibilities with your partner. This lack of communication could lead to misunderstandings and unresolved conflicts, such as disagreements over who is responsible for certain tasks or feeling disconnected from each other's daily lives. Clear and open communication is crucial to maintaining harmony and understanding in any relationship.

4. Emotional Distance

Feeling emotionally distant from your partner? This can often happens when personal ambitions overshadow relationship needs. As you focus more on your personal goals, emotional distance can grow. You may find yourselves drifting apart, with less emotional intimacy and connection. Emotional distance can create a sense of loneliness, dissatisfaction, and unappreciation, weakening the emotional bond between you and your partner.

5. Imbalance in Priorities

Are your priorities shifting? If personal goals consistently come before your relationship, it indicates an imbalance. This imbalance can cause frustration and resentment, making your partner feel undervalued and unimportant.

6. Neglecting Relationship Responsibilities

Ignoring or postponing relationship responsibilities can be a clear sign. When personal goals take center stage, you might neglect duties and commitments within the relationship. This neglect can lead to a buildup of unresolved issues and dissatisfaction.

7. Increased Stress and Anxiety

Do you feel more stressed and anxious? Striving to achieve personal goals while maintaining a relationship can be overwhelming. This increased stress can affect both your mental health and the health of your relationship, diminishing the quality of your interactions and making it harder to be present or maintain a positive, supportive connection. For instance, deadlines at work combined with the pressure to spend quality time with your partner can create a cycle of stress that impacts your ability to relax and enjoy each other's company. Finding effective ways to manage stress and prioritize self-care is crucial to preserving both your well-being and the harmony of your relationship.

8. Diminished Intimacy

Is your intimate life suffering? A decline in physical and emotional intimacy often occurs when personal goals consume your time and energy. This can lead to feelings of rejection and frustration, further straining the relationship. For example, if you're constantly working late to meet career objectives, you might unintentionally neglect quality time with your partner, causing them to feel disconnected and unappreciated. It's crucial to balance personal ambitions with nurturing intimacy to sustain a healthy relationship.

9. Partner's Feelings of Insecurity

Does your partner seem insecure? When personal goals overshadow relationship needs, your partner may start feeling insecure and unsure of their place in your life. This insecurity can lead to trust issues and emotional turmoil. For example, if you frequently prioritize your personal goals over spending time with your partner or reassuring them of your commitment, they may begin to doubt your feelings or the stability of the relationship.

To address this, it's important to regularly reaffirm your love and commitment to your partner. Schedule dedicated time for them amidst your busy schedule, and openly discuss how you can support each other's goals while nurturing the relationship. Building trust through consistent communication and thoughtful gestures can help alleviate feelings of insecurity and strengthen your bond.

If you’re interested in more tips and strategies, check out our blog, Balancing Personal Goals & Relationships: Pursuing Dreams While Nurturing Your Relationship.

10. Lack of Support

Are you providing enough support? Balancing personal goals and a relationship requires mutual support. If your partner feels unsupported, it can lead to resentment and conflict. A one-sided relationship, where only one partner's needs are met, is unsustainable and can lead to dissatisfaction and eventual breakdown. Ensure that you offer the necessary support to maintain a healthy relationship.

11. Unresolved Conflicts

Are conflicts going unresolved? Personal goals can cause you to avoid addressing relationship issues. Unresolved conflicts can accumulate, leading to a toxic environment and potential relationship breakdown.

If you’re enjoying this blog post, check out our blog, "What Should I Do If My Partner Doesn't Support My Personal Goals?" for further insights and strategies on navigating this common relationship challenge. Discover practical advice and tips to foster understanding and mutual support in your relationship journey.

final Thoughts

Balancing personal goals with relationship needs is crucial for maintaining a healthy, supportive partnership. If you recognize these signs in your relationship, it's important to take a step back and reassess your priorities. Open communication, mutual support, and a willingness to compromise can help you find a balance that allows both your personal ambitions and your relationship to flourish.

This Weeks Affirmations

1. I am committed to cultivating a supportive environment where both my goals and my relationship thrive.

2. Awareness of potential challenges helps me navigate them with empathy and resilience, fostering a harmonious partnership.

3. I prioritize open communication and mutual understanding to nurture both my goals and my relationship.

4. Balancing personal aspirations with my partner's needs strengthens our bond and fosters mutual growth.

5. I respect and value my partner’s feelings as I pursue my dreams.

Additional Resources

**If you’re interested in learning more about setting personal goals and relationships, check out the books below!

1. Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

2. Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

3. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown

4. The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman

5. The Relationship Cure: A 5-Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships by John Gottman

6. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg

7. How to Love (Mindfulness Essentials) by Thich Nhat Hanh

8. Atomic Habits by James Clear

9. Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert

10. The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael A. Singer

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.

Navigating Anxiety Together: A Guide for Supporting Your Partner

By Melody Wright, LMFT

In the complex dynamics of relationships, we might find ourselves stepping into roles that require not just love and companionship but also patience, understanding, and support. If your partner struggles with anxiety, it might feel like you both are navigating through rough seas, where every wave of worry and fear has the potential to disrupt the stability of your relationship.

Anxiety comes in various forms and it can cast a shadow over even the brightest moments you both share, leaving both partners feeling isolated and uncertain. 

However, even in relationships where anxiety is present, there lies an opportunity for deeper connection and growth. By learning how to support your partner with their anxiety effectively, you not only have the ability to strengthen the foundation of your relationship but also foster an environment of trust, empathy, and resilience. In this blog, we'll discuss ten ways to support your partner through their anxiety by focusing on understanding and kindness. 

Supporting Your Partner

Supporting an anxious partner requires patience, empathy, and a genuine desire to comfort and encourage them. It means understanding their anxiety deeply and being there to provide comfort when they're feeling distressed. Patience helps you navigate their emotions gently, while empathy allows you to connect with their inner feelings of fear and worry. Most importantly, it involves a strong commitment to stand by their side, offering reassurance through all the challenges they face.  So how can you do this?  

1. Ground Yourself: To be present, listen, and have empathy for your partner you need to find ways to ground yourself before attempting.  For those who experience anxiety, it can creep up suddenly, so being prepared to regulate yourself is essential to supporting your partner through it.  You can support yourself with daily meditation, self-care practices, and deep breathing.
   

2. Engage in Active Listening: It’s important to encourage your partner to express their feelings and concerns. However, as you listen it’s also important to show empathy and understanding by actively listening to what they have to say and holding a non-judgmental space for them. Here's a brief example of active listening in a relationship:

   Partner A: "I had a really tough day at work. My boss criticized my project in front of the whole team."

   Partner B: "That sounds really challenging. It must have been frustrating to receive criticism like that. How did you handle it?

   In this example, Partner B actively listens to Partner A's experience, acknowledges their feelings, and encourages further discussion by asking an open-ended question.
   

3. Validate Their Feelings: As you engage in active listening let your partner know that it's okay to feel anxious and that their feelings are valid. Be aware to avoid dismissing or minimizing their emotions.
   

4. Offer Reassurance: Provide verbal reassurance that you are there for them and that they are not alone in dealing with their anxiety. Remind them of their strengths and previous successes in managing anxiety.
   

5. Educate Yourself About Anxiety: Learning about anxiety disorders, their symptoms, and their triggers will only give you a deeper understanding of what your partner is going through and can help you provide better support.
   

6. Encourage Self-Care: For those who experience anxiety, their nervous systems can become dysregulated easily. Help your partner prioritize self-care activities such as exercise, proper nutrition, sufficient sleep, and relaxation techniques like deep breathing or meditation. This is important for nervous system regulation and reducing anxiety episodes.
   

7. Be Patient and Understanding: Recognize that anxiety can be overwhelming and may affect your partner's behavior and mood. Be patient with them and try to remain calm during moments of heightened anxiety.
   

8. Avoid Criticism: Do your best to refrain from criticizing or blaming your partner for their anxiety. Instead, focus on offering constructive feedback and support.
   

9. Encourage Professional Help: You might suggest seeking help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in treating anxiety disorders. Your partner might feel supported if you offer to accompany them to their therapy sessions.
   

10. Practice Mindfulness Together: Engage in activities that promote mindfulness, such as yoga or guided meditation. These practices can help both of you manage stress and anxiety more effectively and cultivate a deeper relationship with each other.
    

11. Maintain Open Communication: Encourage open and honest communication in your relationship. Check in with your partner regularly to see how they're feeling and what support they may need. Let them know that they can always come to you for help and guidance.

Final Thoughts

We understand that relationships of all kinds are unique. Navigating the complexities of relationships can be challenging and as the other side of the relationship, you might find that you would like support as well. For those who might be experiencing breakdowns in communication, trust issues, or just need someone to bounce thoughts off of, consider speaking with a skilled clinician. Your wellbeing contributes to the wellbeing of your relationship and if you would like support, reach out to one of our therapists today. You can CLICK HERE to schedule a free phone consultation. 

Affirmations for Anxiety 

1. "I am calm, centered, and in control of my thoughts and emotions."

2. "I trust in my ability to overcome challenges and face uncertainty with courage."

3. "I am worthy of peace and relaxation, and I deserve to prioritize my mental well-being."

4. "I release all tension and fear from my mind and body, allowing tranquility to flow through me."

5. "I am safe and secure in this present moment, and I trust in the journey ahead."

Additional Resources

**If you’re interested in expanding your knowledge on anxiety and how to support someone with anxiety, check out these books below:

1. "Dare: The New Way to End Anxiety and Stop Panic Attacks Fast" by Barry McDonagh

2. "Anxiety: Panicking about Panic: A powerful, self-help guide for those suffering from an Anxiety or Panic Disorder" by Joshua Fletcher

3. "The Mindfulness Workbook for Anxiety: The 8-Week Solution to Help You Manage Anxiety, Worry, and Stress" by Tanya J. Peterson MS NCC

4. "My Age of Anxiety: Fear, Hope, Dread, and the Search for Peace of Mind" by Scott Stossel

5. "Loving Someone with Anxiety: Understanding and Helping Your Partner" by Kate N. Thieda MS LPCA NCC

6. Anxious Attachment Recovery: Go From Being Clingy to Confident & Secure In Your Relationships (Break Free and Recover from Unhealthy Relationships By Linda Hill

7. Overcome Overthinking and Anxiety in Your Relationship: A Practical Guide to Improve Communication, Solve Conflicts, and Build a Healthy Marriage By Robert J Charles

8. Anxiety in Relationship: Free Yourself From Anxiety and Fears, Stop Suffering and Enjoy Your Love Relationship With Your Partner by Patricia Peterman

9. Master Your Emotions: A Practical Guide to Overcome Negativity and Better Manage Your Feelings by Thibaut Meurisse 

10.  Unwinding Anxiety: New Science Shows How to Break the Cycles of Worry and Fear to Heal Your Mind by Judson Brewer

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read full disclosurehere.

Mindfulness and Relationships: How Being Present Can Strengthen Connections

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Life seems to demand so much of us lately, and in the midst of our busy lives, the essence of being fully present in the moment often gets lost. It’s no secret that our world is digitally-driven and because of that we might find ourselves continually multitasking with our minds racing from one thing to another. This lack of mindfulness can take a toll on various aspects of our lives, including our relationships. In this blog, we'll explore the significant impact mindfulness can have on relationships and how cultivating this practice can strengthen the connections we share with others.

The Importance of Mindfulness in Relationships

If you’re unsure of what practicing mindfulness is, it’s the art of being fully engaged in the present moment, free of judgment. This means that your awareness is brought to what is happening right in front of you free of labels, criticism, or evaluation of what you are experiencing. It involves accepting things as they are, without the interference of preconceived thoughts or opinions. 

When we apply mindfulness to our relationships, it becomes a powerful tool that can transform the way we connect with others and even ourselves. Distractions are abundant, however, if we allow ourselves to engage in the present within our relationships we can bring our attention back to the here and now which cultivates a deeper and more meaningful connection. 

The Role of Mindful Communication

Communication is the foundation of any secure relationship and by incorporating mindfulness we can significantly enhance the quality of our communication by promoting active listening and genuine engagement. Oftentimes, we might find ourselves formulating a response in our minds while the other person is speaking, leading to misunderstandings and missed opportunities for connection. 

Mindful communication involves truly listening to the other person, absorbing their words, responding thoughtfully, and gently communicating any misunderstanding. By being fully present in the conversation, there is respect that is demonstrated creating an environment where both people feel heard and understood. When we are fully engaged in the conversation it can dissolve conflicts, strengthen emotional bonds, and create a deeper sense of intimacy.

Mindfulness in Conflict Resolution

Every relationship faces challenges, and conflicts are inevitable. However, how we navigate and resolve these conflicts can make a significant difference in the strength of our connections. Mindfulness equips us with the ability to approach conflicts with a calm and centered mindset.

When conflicts come up, you can take a moment to breathe and center yourself before responding, by doing this you can support in preventing impulsive reactions that may further exacerbate the situation. 

We all want our emotions and thoughts to be acknowledged and validated. If you practice mindfulness, it can allow you to acknowledge your emotions without being overwhelmed by them. If we engage with overwhelming emotions during a conflict it tends to get messy. However, by being fully present in the process, you can understand the other person's perspective and work together towards a solution that strengthens your relationship with them.

Cultivating Empathy Through Mindfulness

Have you ever desired that someone could just read your mind? They would know exactly what you need at that moment, right? Unfortunately, that isn’t reality, however, cultivating empathy, could be that component you’re looking for. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. The practice of mindfulness plays a major role in learning to cultivate empathy by encouraging us to step into the shoes of those that we love and experience their emotions with an open heart.

When you’re present with them it allows you to pick up on the subtle cues, both verbal and non-verbal, that the other person might be giving off. This heightened awareness allows you to respond with compassion and understanding. By doing this you create a supportive and nurturing environment within the relationship you care about. 

Nurturing Self-Awareness for Better Relationships

Mindfulness is not only about being attuned to others but also about developing self-awareness. Being able to understand your own thoughts, emotions, and reactions is fundamental to building secure relationships. When we are mindful of our own internal landscape, we can navigate the intricacies of our relationships more effectively.

Through mindfulness practices such as meditation and self-reflection, you can gain perspective into your own patterns and emotional triggers. If you allow yourself to cultivate this self-awareness, it can empower you to break free from habits that might stifle you and make room for personal growth. 

Final Thoughts 

The practice of mindfulness offers a holistic remedy for the challenges we face in our relationships. By cultivating a present and mindful approach to life, we can enhance communication, navigate conflicts with grace, and create a deeper sense of empathy and connection with the world around us. Mindfulness is not just a personal journey but it affects the experiences we encounter on a daily basis and can transform the dynamics of relationships, making them more resilient, fulfilling, and secure. 

If you find that you need support navigating mindfulness or your relationships, consider speaking with a holistic therapist. Holistic therapists offer their support to engage your mind, body, and spirit. CLICK HERE to schedule a phone consultation with one of our therapists here at Life By Design Therapy today!  

Affirmations for Cultivating Mindful Relationships

1. I approach conversations with openness and curiosity, seeking to understand rather than to be understood.

2. I am fully present in this moment, giving my undivided attention to the person in front of me.

3. I release judgment and cultivate compassion, allowing others and myself the space to grow and evolve.

4. I am committed to self-awareness, recognizing and understanding my own emotions and patterns for the benefit of our connection.

5. I express gratitude for the shared moments, big and small, that contribute to the strength and depth of our relationship.

Additional Resources 

1. "The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts" by Gary Chapman

2. "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" by John Gray

3. “The Relationship Cure: A 5-Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships" by John Gottman

4. "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg

5. "Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear" by Elizabeth Gilbert

6. "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brené Brown

7. "Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself" by Kristin Neff 

8. "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead" by Brené Brown

9. "Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha" by Tara Brach

10. "Setting Boundaries with Difficult People: Six Steps to Sanity for Challenging Relationships" by David J. Lieberman
    
    
    

Love in Focus: How Couples Therapy Strengthens Relationships

By Melody Wright, LMFT

In the unique dance of relationships, there are moments of joy, laughter, and connection, but there are also times of challenge, disagreement, and even heartbreak. Navigating the ebbs and flows of a partnership requires resilience, understanding, and, sometimes, a little extra support. That's where couples therapy comes into play—a safe space where relationships are nurtured, vulnerabilities embraced, and the journey of love unfolds.

Picture this: a couple, once deeply in love, now finding themselves at a crossroads. The initial spark that brought them together is dimming, replaced by misunderstandings and a sense of disconnect. It's a scenario familiar to many, and it's essential to recognize that seeking help is not a sign of weakness but rather a courageous step toward healing and growth.

In the world we live in, couples often face challenges that can strain even the strongest bonds. Work pressures, family dynamics, and personal struggles can create a rift between partners. Couples therapy, facilitated by a trained and empathetic professional, offers a dedicated space for open communication, a fundamental building block for any successful relationship.

One of the primary benefits of couples therapy lies in its ability to provide a neutral ground for dialogue. It's easy for conversations to become emotionally charged, leading to a cycle of misunderstandings and unmet needs. A skilled therapist acts as a guide, steering conversations away from blame and towards understanding. They empower couples to express their thoughts and feelings in a way that fosters empathy and connection.

Couples therapy equips partners with effective communication tools that extend beyond the therapy session itself. Learning to listen actively, express emotions authentically, and validate each other's experiences are skills that can transform how couples navigate challenges in their day-to-day lives. It's not about erasing disagreements but rather creating a roadmap to navigate them constructively.

In the therapeutic space, couples can explore the roots of their challenges and patterns that may be contributing to their struggles. Whether it's unresolved past issues, unmet expectations, or differing communication styles, the therapist guides the couple in uncovering these underlying dynamics. This process is not about assigning blame but rather about gaining insight and fostering a deeper understanding of each other.

Empathy plays a pivotal role in the transformative journey of couples therapy. The therapist facilitates a compassionate space where both partners can share their vulnerabilities without fear of judgment. Through this process, couples often discover hidden aspects of their relationship, leading to a renewed sense of intimacy and connection. It's important to know that couples therapy isn’t only for relationships on the brink of collapse. In reality, seeking professional guidance at the early signs of distress can prevent deeper issues from taking root. Think of it as proactive care for your relationship—much like going to the doctor for a check-up for preventative healthcare. 

Final Thoughts

In conclusion, couples therapy is a powerful tool for relationships navigating the complexities of life. It shows the strength and commitment of partners willing to invest in the well-being of their connection. The therapeutic journey is not about fixing what's broken but rather about cultivating a resilient, loving partnership that can work through the complexities of life. If you’re ready to get started, we have a team of skilled therapists ready to support you and your partner. CLICK HERE to schedule your free phone consultation today. 

Emotionally Focused Therapy: Unlocking the Heart of Connection

By Melody Wright, LMFT

In the world of relationships, things can get tricky. Imagine feeling stuck in a pattern of communication that leaves both partners feeling unheard or disconnected. If you've ever experienced tension or distance in your relationship, you're not alone.

This blog explores the dynamics of connection, offering simple strategies for couples seeking a clearer path to understanding and strengthening their bond with Emotionally Focused Therapy. Read on if you've ever wondered how to break free from negative patterns and foster a deeper, more fulfilling connection with your partner.

Understanding Emotionally Focused Therapy

EFT operates on a structured and evidence-based approach, offering a framework tailored to the unique needs of couples. Rather than approaching your concerns blindly, think of EFT as a strategic roadmap, allowing us to assess where you are, understand the journey you've taken, and chart a course for where you want to go. Emotionally focused therapy is effective for couples enduring hardships for several reasons. Its success can be attributed to the principles embedded in the approach. 

1. Attachment Theory Foundation: EFT is rooted in attachment theory, which shows that we, as humans, have an innate need for secure emotional bonds. These bonds provide a sense of safety and support, influencing how you navigate relationships.
   

2. Emotion as a Key Agent of Change: EFT strongly emphasizes emotions and their role in shaping our behavior and interactions. We tend to view emotions as obstacles, however, EFT views emotions as valuable sources of information that can lead to a deeper understanding of yourself and your partner.
   

3. Identification and Expression of Emotions: Because EFT emphasizes emotions, you are encouraged to identify and communicate those emotions to your partner. By doing this, you and your partner create an open, and safe climate of emotional honesty and vulnerability.

4. The Negative Cycle and Attachment Injury: EFT also supports identifying negative cycles and patterns that couples may fall into. These cycles can include miscommunications and emotional distancing. Becoming aware of these cycles is crucial for intervention and moving forward. Within the negative cycles, there are often attachment injuries. Attachment injuries are when one or both partners feel rejected or emotionally hurt. These injuries can contribute to the continued negative patterns within the relationship.
   

5. Creating a Secure Base: The goal of emotionally focused therapy is to create a secure emotional base for the therapeutic process. By doing this, it allows for a secure base for the couple to fall back on as they continue to navigate their relationship moving forward.  

6. Responsiveness to the Needs of the Relationship: Everyone’s relationship is completely unique, which is why this approach can be customized to your needs. Your therapist tailors interventions to address specific issues, fostering a collaborative and individualized approach.
   

7. Short-term and Goal-Oriented: EFT is designed to be a relatively short-term therapeutic approach with specific goals. The focus is on efficiently addressing core issues and providing couples with tools for ongoing self-management.

8. Consolidation and Integration: The final stage of EFT involves consolidating the positive changes achieved during your therapy sessions. Couples will start to integrate these changes into their daily lives and apply new ways of relating independently.

Who is EFT for? 

Emotionally Focused Therapy stands as a versatile solution for many different relationship challenges. Whether you and your partner are struggling with miscommunication, feeling emotionally distant, stuck in loops of conflicts, or navigating the ebbs and flows of life, EFT can offer the support you need to maintain or build a secure relationship. Even in stable relationships, EFT provides a sacred space for exploring deeper intimacy. At its core, EFT flourishes when both partners commit to positive change, actively engaging in the collaborative journey toward understanding, reshaping, and enhancing their relationship dynamics.

Final Thoughts

Remember, your relationship is unique, and EFT recognizes and respects that uniqueness. It's not about one-size-fits-all solutions; it's about crafting an individualized path to understanding, renewal, and fulfillment. If the insights shared here resonate with you, maybe it's time to consider EFT as a valuable resource for your relationship journey. Life By Design Therapy has a team of therapists who are available to provide the support, guidance, and tools needed to navigate challenges and strengthen your connection. Take that next step toward a more fulfilling relationship.  Your relationship deserves the care and attention that will lead it toward lasting happiness and satisfaction. Reach out for therapy services today by scheduling a free phone consultation!

Additional Resources

1. Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler

2. Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion by George J. Thompson and Jerry B. Jenkins

3. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg

4. The Art of Communicating by Thich Nhat Hanh

5. How to Listen with Intention: The Foundation of True Connection, Communication, and Relationships by Patrick King 

6. 4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work--Anywhere!: Including the "12-Day Communication Challenge!" by Bento C. Leal III

7. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson

8. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

9. The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate by Harriet Lerner

10. Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone by Mark Goulston

Navigating Back-to-School Anxiety: Practical Tips for Parents

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Do you remember how it felt when you started a new school year? The excitement and nervousness, or maybe even anxiety as you wondered about the new uncharted territory, hoping to make new friends, impress your teachers, and navigate the challenges of being a year older. As this school year started, maybe you’ve had some of those memories resurface as you witness your own child experiencing those same emotions. 

Back-to-school anxiety is perfectly normal, and as a parent, you have the power to be your child’s anchor, guiding them through the feelings of uncertainty with love, understanding, and support. In this blog, we will discuss strategies to support your child through their emotions and foster a positive mindset for the rest of the school year.

Identifying Signs of Back-to-School Anxiety

Back-to-school anxiety is common among students. However, recognizing the signs of anxiety in children is crucial for providing timely support and understanding. Common signs of this type of anxiety can show itself in physical symptoms such as headaches, and stomachaches, or they might say they don’t feel well, especially when school-related discussions come up.  

You might also notice behavioral changes such as increased clinginess, crying, or restlessness. Mood swings, irritability, and changes in sleep patterns can also be a sign that your child is experiencing some anxiety. However, some children may exhibit avoidance behaviors, such as resisting going to school or expressing a strong desire to stay home. Academic performance may also be affected. Your child might have their grades decline or they might become obsessively worried about their school work. 

Therapist Tip: Being attentive to these signals you can provide the necessary support and reassurance to help children cope with their emotions and navigate the back-to-school transition. 

Strategies for Supporting Your Child

1. Establish a Consistent Routine - For those with anxiety, knowing what comes next can provide a sense of stability and predictability. Create space for consistent meal times, study times, and family times. Your child might also need support with creating a routine around hygiene and self-care as well.
   

2. Encourage Expressive Arts & Journaling - Some kids have a difficult time finding the words to use to express how they are feeling. Expressive arts is a great way to release the emotions being felt through music or creating art. Journaling is a supportive tool for those who do not feel like speaking to someone about what they are feeling. Journaling provides a safe space to be fully vulnerable.
   

3. Foster a Growth Mindset - Encourage a growth mindset in your child by emphasizing the importance of learning, growth, and perseverance. Remind them that mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow and that it's okay not to have all the answers right away. This mindset shift can reduce the fear of failure and increase your child's resilience in the face of challenges.
   

4. Introduce Grounding Techniques -Teaching your child grounding techniques can support their emotional regulation for the rest of their life. Practice deep breathing, and meditation, and consider a grounding object that they can carry with them in their pocket to school.
   

5. Collaborate with a Therapist - Open communication is essential for supporting your child through their struggle, however, that doesn’t always come easy. Meeting regularly with a therapist will allow your child to engage in consistent opportunities to be vulnerable in an unbiased, non-judgmental space. 

Final Thoughts 

Supporting your child through their back-to-school anxiety requires patience, understanding, and empathy. By creating a nurturing environment at home and implementing some of the techniques above you can support your child in navigating these unknown territories. Remember that every child’s journey is unique to them, so approach this process with love, support, and flexibility. 

Also, we want to acknowledge that this is challenging and complex for parents as well. Give yourself an empathetic and non-judgmental space as you journey through this side of parenting. If you are needing support as a parent or if your child is needing support, connect with our team. We have qualified therapists who are equipped with the tools you need to move forward on this journey.

CLICK HERE to schedule your free phone consultation today. 

Additional Resources 

If you would like additional tools for supporting your child and yourself as a parent, check out the resources below.

1. The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired" by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

2. Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges by Mona Delahooke 

3. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish 

4. Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents: 7 Ways to Stop the Worry Cycle and Raise Courageous and Independent Children by Reid Wilson and Lynn Lyons

5. The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell

6. Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility by Foster Cline and Jim Fay

7. Raising Good Humans: A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids by Hunter Clarke-Fields MSAE

8. Raising Critical Thinkers: A Parent's Guide to Growing Wise Kids in the Digital Ageby Julie Bogart

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.

Relationship Communication 101: Enhancing Connection and Understanding

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Have you ever found yourself in the midst of a conversation and felt like you were speaking two different languages? Or maybe you were trying to convey your feelings to someone, but they seemed completely unable to grasp the depth of your emotions? Communication, despite being an integral part of our everyday lives, can often be one of the most challenging aspects of any relationship. Whether it's with a partner, a family member, a friend, or a colleague, how we communicate can profoundly impact the quality of our connections.

Humans are inherently social beings and creating connections is vital to our mental and emotional wellbeing. Having secure relationships can provide a sense of safety, trust, and support, which cultivates a stable foundation for navigating life's challenges. When we feel emotionally secure with those in our lives, we experience reduced levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. 

These types of relationships can foster open communication, empathy, and validation, which allows us to express ourselves freely without fear of judgment. The emotional connection and understanding we find in secure relationships promote feelings of belonging and importance which can boost our self-esteem and a sense of purpose.

Having someone to lean on when you’re going through a hard time can create a buffer against emotional confusion and promote resilience that you can carry with you. In short, secure relationships nourish our mental health, helping us thrive emotionally and lead fulfilling lives. In this blog, we will give you the tools to improve your communication skills and create a deeper connection with yourself and those around you. 

The Communication Blueprint

1. Active Listening - Active listening is a foundational skill for effective communication. Many of us may believe we are good listeners, but true active listening goes beyond just hearing words. It involves giving your full attention to the person talking, maintaining eye contact, and showing genuine interest in what they are saying. Try to avoid interrupting or formulating responses while the other person is speaking; instead, focus on understanding their perspective before reacting.
   

2. Use "I" Statements - When discussing sensitive or emotional topics, use "I" statements rather than "you" statements. For example, say "I feel hurt when this happens" instead of "You always do this." This simple shift in language helps prevent blame and defensiveness, creating a safer space for open dialogue and understanding.
   

3. Empathy and Validation - Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. Validating someone's emotions doesn't necessarily mean agreeing with them, but rather acknowledging their feelings as real and legitimate. It fosters a sense of emotional support and reassurance, strengthening the emotional bond between individuals.
   

4. Be Mindful of Non-Verbal Cues - Communication isn't limited to spoken words; non-verbal cues play a significant role too. Be aware of what your body and facial expression are saying, they can convey emotions that words might not capture fully. Similarly, also be aware of the other person's non-verbal cues so that you can gain better insights into their feelings and reactions.
   

5. Timing is Everything -  This is a big one! Bringing up important discussions during stressful or emotional moments can lead to unnecessary conflicts. Be sure to choose an appropriate time and place for discussions that might require attention and emotional investment. It’s also wise to avoid discussing serious matters when one or both of you are tired, angry, or distracted.
   

6. Avoid the Blame Game - When conflicts arise, it can be so easy to point fingers and lay blame on the other person. Instead, focus on the specific issue at hand and communicate with the mission of finding a solution together. Remember, it's not about winning an argument but working as a team to resolve conflicts.

7. Express Appreciation and Affection - Validating and affirming the other person is a powerful tool. It brings gratitude to your mind and it can fill the other person’s self-esteem tank. This can diffuse strong emotions both of you might be feeling. A simple "thank you" or a loving gesture can go a long way.
   

8. Seek Professional Help if Needed - Sometimes, despite our best efforts, communication challenges persist. Seeking the help of a relationship therapist can be beneficial. They can provide valuable insights, facilitate productive conversations, and offer tools to enhance communication within the relationship that is unique to you and your situation.
   

9. Practice Patience - Improving communication in a relationship takes time and effort. Remember to be patient with yourself and the other person as you both learn and grow together. Do your best to avoid getting frustrated if progress seems slow; small steps toward better communication are still progress. 
   

10. Celebrate Differences - Remember that every individual is unique,  and views the world through their individual lens. Differences in communication styles are normal!  Embracing these differences rather than viewing them as obstacles can ground you in the midst of your conversations. The diversity in communication can offer new perspectives and opportunities for growth.

Final Thoughts

The significance of secure relationships for mental health cannot be overstated. These connections act as pillars of emotional stability, providing a safety where we can share our joys and vulnerabilities without judgment. The support, understanding, and trust found in these relationships can create a sense of belonging and acceptance that nurtures our self-esteem and well-being. When we prioritize creating secure relationships, we invest in a  journey of growth and self-discovery. If you’re ready to invest in yourself and in your relationships, Life By Design Therapy has a team of skilled therapists who are eager to work with you. They provide individualized care for each of their clients. If you would like to find out more information, CLICK HERE to schedule your free phone consultation. 

Additional Resources

If you would like additional supportive tools to grow your communication skills, check out the resources below.

1. Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler

2. Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion by George J. Thompson and Jerry B. Jenkins

3. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg

4. The Art of Communicating by Thich Nhat Hanh

5. How to Listen with Intention: The Foundation of True Connection, Communication, and Relationships by Patrick King 

6. 4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work--Anywhere!: Including the "12-Day Communication Challenge!" by Bento C. Leal III

7. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson

8. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

9. The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate by Harriet Lerner

10. Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone by Mark Goulston

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.

Create a New Legacy - Overcoming and Breaking the Cycle of Familial Trauma

By Melody Wright, LMFT

I have encountered a lot of things in my time as a therapist, however, one of the common deep-rooted issues people come to me with stems from the way they grew up. Everyone has a different upbringing but there is often a deep seeded trauma that is recognized throughout our sessions that point to a cyclic pattern within the family system. It ranges from addiction, the way they were parented and punishment styles growing up, and even the way their parents would relate to them. These patterns have shaped the way my clients engage in relationships, and perceive themselves and their worth and even their world views. All of these things can be categorized under the umbrella of Familial Trauma. 

What is Familial Trauma? 

Familial trauma is the consequence of living with traumatic events and memories that were unintentionally passed on from generation to generation. Because it’s such a deeply ingrained experience within the family it can have lasting impacts on individuals into adulthood. Familial trauma can manifest itself in many ways such as disassociation, estrangement, and even addiction. For example, if you had a parent that couldn’t self-regulate, you may also suffer from the inability to regulate your nervous system even in minor situations. You might also develop the habit of putting everyone else's needs before your own. This is due to having to suppress your own emotions to accommodate your family members. In situations like this, it can lead to depression, anxiety, and overwhelm. The cycle of trauma is present because typically your family members were raised by parents who could also not regulate their nervous systems, as well. This is only one example of familial trauma, however, many other situations can cause challenges to overcome as you grow. 

How Do We Break the Cycle?

1. Become Aware of Your Own Patterns - Many people who have experienced familial trauma have a tendency to minimize or even deny the effects of what they’ve experienced especially if it’s something that commonly occurs in their family dynamic. It is important to become aware of any hurt or pain that you’ve endured as well as recognize if you have picked up any of the cyclic behaviors yourself. “Awareness is like the sun, when it shines, things are transformed” - Thich Nhat Hanh
   

2. Allow The Relationships to Change - this part can be complex and challenging. By recognizing and implementing the importance of breaking the cycles and healing your trauma, your family might push back. Finding space within yourself to settle with the fact that your relationships will look different will make the healing journey just a little bit easier.
   

3. Take Care of You - When working through trauma, one of the best things you can do for yourself is care for your own needs. Especially when working through familial trauma, some people may find it challenging to care for themselves. This can look like starting a new routine, finding a new hobby that makes you happy, and setting boundaries.
   

4. Find Forgiveness - Forgiveness is another aspect of the healing process. Forgiveness is not about condoning or forgetting the past but rather about letting go of anger and resentment towards those who have hurt us. Forgiveness can be a difficult leap to make, but it is a crucial step in the healing process because it allows us to move forward with a greater sense of inner peace and freedom.
   

5. Reach Out - As we discussed, familial trauma is something that can be so ingrained within us, we need people in our corner who are going to actively listen, support and encourage us to continue to press forward rather than return to our familiar ways. Not only are friends a great support, but having a therapist can also be beneficial to your journey. A therapist will carry modalities to support your individual needs, and provide an unbiased space for you to work through the things you need to. 

Creating a new legacy is the goal of the healing process. Breaking the cycle of trauma by learning healthy coping mechanisms, practicing self-compassion, and taking steps toward creating a positive future will benefit future generations. We understand that breaking cycles is a complex and highly unique voyage. 

Here at Life By Design Therapy, we have trauma-informed and culturally competent staff to support you as you walk through your healing journey. If you are ready to start healing CLICK HERE to schedule your free phone consultation with one of our staff members. 

Additional Resources

If you would like to learn more about different forms of trauma and how to heal, below are a few books to expand your knowledge.

1. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma by Pete Walker

2. My Grandmother's Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies by Resmaa Menakem

3. “Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men" by Robert Ackerman

4. “The Emotionally Absent Mother: How to Recognize and Heal the Invisible Effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect” by Jasmin Lee Cori

5. "It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle" by Mark Wolynn

6. "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson

7. The Color of Law: A Forgotten History of How Our Government Segregated America by Richard Rothstein

8. Freedom Is a Constant Struggle: Ferguson, Palestine, and the Foundations of a Movement by Angela Y. Davis 

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.

Healing From Relational Trauma: Strategies for Recovery and Growth

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Have you ever felt like your past experiences have left you with emotional scars that you just can't seem to shake off? Do you find it difficult to trust others or form healthy relationships because of past trauma? Relational trauma could be the culprit. Relational trauma can have a profound impact on a person's ability to connect with others and can lead to many things, such as anxiety, depression, and even physical health problems. In this blog, we'll explore what relational trauma is, and what can be done to heal from it.

What is Relational Trauma? 

Relational trauma is a term used to shed light on the impact of traumatic experiences within relationships. Relational trauma can stem anywhere from a childhood of abuse or abandonment, or negative interactions as an adult with coworkers, and friends. 

Healing from relational trauma is a complex process that requires time, patience, and support. For some, it can be a deeply painful and difficult experience to navigate. However, it's important to remember that you are not alone in your struggle and that healing is possible. With the right strategies for recovery and growth, you can begin to find a sense of peace and resilience in the face of this trauma. 

Strategies for Trauma Recovery and Growth

1. Acknowledge the Impact of Trauma - The first step in healing from relational trauma is acknowledging its impact on your life. This means becoming aware of the ways these experiences have affected your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It may involve acknowledging difficult emotions such as shame, guilt, anger, and sadness. During your acknowledgment journey remember the trauma you’ve experienced is not your fault and that healing is possible.

2. Practice Self-Care - Whatever self-care looks like for you, it is an essential piece to the puzzle of your healing journey. This may include exercise, eating a balanced diet, prioritizing sleep, practicing relaxation techniques such as meditation or yoga, and engaging in activities that bring you joy and pleasure. However, self-care can also look like setting boundaries and saying no to activities or relationships that do not serve your well-being.

3. Cultivate Resilience - Resilience is the ability to weather difficulties and recover quickly. It involves developing skills such as problem-solving, stress management, and emotional regulation. Relational trauma can also involve nurturing the positive relationships you have and engaging in activities that promote a sense of purpose and meaning. 

4. Process Traumatic Memories - Trauma memories can be overwhelming and have the ability to resurface unexpectedly. It can be beneficial to seek support from a therapist or trauma specialist to process these memories and make sense of them. When seeking out a therapist look for those that utilize techniques such as Somatic Therapy, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, or additional trauma training. By processing the traumatic memories it can help reduce the intensity of emotions and help you move forward to live your life with a sense of worth and security. 

Final Thoughts

Healing from relational trauma is a unique process for every individual and requires time, patience, and support. It is possible to recover from trauma and grow into a happier, healthier, and more fulfilled person. Remember, healing is possible, and you are not alone. 

Here at Life By Design Therapy, we have a trauma-informed staff that utilizes modalities such as CBT, Holistic and Somatic Therapy techniques to support you on your journey. If you are interested in getting started, CLICK HERE to schedule a free phone consultation with a therapist of your choice. 

Additional Resources

If you would like to learn more about different forms of trauma and how to heal, below are a few books to expand your knowledge.

1. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma by Pete Walker

2. My Grandmother's Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies by Resmaa Menakem

3. “Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men" by Robert Ackerman

4. “The Emotionally Absent Mother: How to Recognize and Heal the Invisible Effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect” by Jasmin Lee Cori

5. "It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle" by Mark Wolynn

6. "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson

7. The Color of Law: A Forgotten History of How Our Government Segregated America by Richard Rothstein

8. Freedom Is a Constant Struggle: Ferguson, Palestine, and the Foundations of a Movement by Angela Y. Davis 

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.

Loving Through Depression: Practical Tips for Supporting Your Partner

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Depression can be a debilitating condition that affects not only the person who is struggling with it but also their loved ones. It can be especially challenging for couples, as depression can put a strain on the relationship and make it difficult to maintain intimacy and communication. As a partner, it can be tough to see someone you care about struggling with depression, and it's understandable to feel helpless and unsure of what to do to help. However, it's essential to remember that your support can make a significant difference in your partner's journey toward recovery. If your partner is struggling with depression, there are several things you can do to support them and strengthen your relationship. In this blog, we'll discuss some practical tips and compassionate approaches that can help you support your partner through their depression.

How To Support Your Partner Through Their Depression

1. Be There For Them: This seems simple but one of the most important things you can do for your partner is simply to be there for them. Listen to their concerns and offer them emotional support when they need it. This will let them know that you care about them and have their best interest.

2. Encourage Them to Seek Professional Help: Because depression is a mental health condition, it is important for your partner to seek professional help. Encourage them to talk to a mental health professional about their symptoms.

3. Help With Daily Tasks: Depression can be debilitating for many people, which can make it difficult for your partner to do everyday tasks like making a meal, doing the laundry, or even running to the grocery store. Helping perform these basic tasks can show your partner that you are a safe support system for them.

Supporting Yourself

The care of your loved one is probably at the forefront of your mind, however, we want to remind you that, as the support person, you need to take care of yourself as well. If you continually give of yourself without taking care of your own needs, you run the risk of becoming burnout. Some ways you can support yourself are:

1. Practice Self-Care: It can be difficult to support a partner who is struggling with depression, and it is important to take care of yourself. Make time for yourself by doing activities you enjoy such as exercise, meditation, or spending time with friends.

2. Be Patient: Depression is a chronic condition for some people, and it may take time for your partner to feel better. Be patient and supportive, and avoid putting pressure on them to "snap out of it" or "get over it."

3. Educate Yourself: Knowing the signs and symptoms of depression can help you have a better understanding of what your partner may be going through. It can be supportive, as well, to know the treatment options for when your partner is ready to seek additional support. 

4. Seek Support For Yourself: Meeting with a qualified clinician can provide you with a secure and unbiased space for coping with your own emotions around your partner's depression. They can also give you tools to utilize in your day-to-day life to support your partner and possibly take a little weight off of your shoulders.

Supporting a partner who is struggling with depression can be a difficult and emotionally exhausting experience, but it is also an opportunity to show compassion and love to your partner which can bring strength to your relationship in the long run. By giving them your care and attention you can make a significant difference in their recovery journey. Remember to also take care of yourself and seek support when needed. Above all, know that you and your partner are not alone in this journey and that with patience, understanding, and persistence, you can work together to overcome the challenges of depression and build a stronger, more resilient relationship.

If you are in need of support, please contact one of our clinicians here at Life By Design Therapy. We offer online and in-person services for those who live in California. We also have a website full of resources for you and your partner to navigate this journey. 

Why You Need To Know Your Relationship Dealbreakers From The Start

By Melody Wright, LMFT

We’ve all been there at one point or another. Glued to our couch, calling our friends with tissues galore, mindlessly scrolling and doing whatever we can to try to feel a little better. Another relationship. Another heartbreak. The pain is real.  The loss is present.  It hurts so bad. 

During this difficult time, it's normal to question “what went wrong?”. 

There are three things that can never be returned: time, words, and love. And while it is easy to get caught up in the moment you're falling for someone, it's important to know what your dealbreakers are from the start. Being in a secure, connected, enjoyable and emotionally safe relationship is key, so before stepping into your next relationship determine what your absolute dealbreakers are. Here's a few ideas to support your journey…

1. Abuse - this is any type of abuse such as Physical, Mental, or Emotional. Unfortunately, when abuse occurs many people may feel like it will never happen again. Remember that you are worth having safe and secure relationships and it's important to be clear on your boundaries around this.

2. They’re Hiding You - while timing is relevant here, this should be a red flag that something may not be right. If they are clearly keeping you a secret, it's best to discuss this with them and be direct.  If they are not able to be transparent about their reasoning, this could indicate some serious problems that could show up later in the relationship (i.e. cheating, feeling embarrassed by you or difficulty committing to a serious relationship). 

3. Substance Abuse and Addiction - you might find yourself in a situation where you are put in a compromising position with drugs or alcohol, especially if you have a family history or strong personal beliefs around drug and alcohol use.  If this is you, it's important to ground yourself in what is acceptable to you and what situations may be too much.  Being in a relationship with someone with an addiction can be taxing, build resentments, and create conflict so having these open and honest conversations is key.

There are many other things that can go unnoticed while in the excitement of a new relationship. Besides the major dealbreakers here are a few questions to ask yourself when deciding what your dealbreakers are…

1. Are they able to set their own boundaries? 

2. Do they know how to identify their needs and communicate them? 

3. How do they handle feedback or boundary setting? 

4. What is their response when they are angry or offended? 

5. What are their thoughts on marriage and children?

6. What are their political and spiritual values and stances? 

7. What is their communication style and how do they handle uncomfortable situations? 

Now that you have some questions to chew on, let's talk about why it is important to know the dealbreakers before you step into the relationship. When you are in a relationship where you’re having to compromise yourself to keep someone around, it can really take a toll on your mental health. It can create feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, and potential anxiety and depression. Ultimately, life is way too short to spend it with someone who doesn’t align with your values and the things that are important to you. However, it's also up to you to know what you are willing to tolerate in a relationship and communicate that clearly with yourself and your partner. 

We encourage you to recognize your value as a person who is worth having your needs met and that it's okay to have boundaries.  If you feel as though you are having a difficult time maneuvering a relationship you’re in or finding your dealbreakers, consider reaching out to one of our skilled clinicians by clicking HERE to schedule a phone consultation. 

Battling a Bad Break-Up? How To Begin Healing From Relationship Trauma

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Some relationships can negatively impact our self-esteem, our ability to trust others, and affect our overall well being. They can also leave us with the daunting task to “undo” or heal from trauma that was experienced during our time in that relationship. While healing from relationship trauma will not happen overnight, it is important for you to know that healing can happen with time and by having the right tools.   

Whether you’ve recently left a long-term abusive or tumultuous relationship, or have ended a relationship over an unexpected traumatic event such as infidelity, relationship trauma can create feelings of rage or anger toward your ex-partner and even yourself. In order to process your feelings and move forward toward a healthier and wiser version of yourself, it is important to address the feelings you have associated with your previous relationship and partner. 

Once you feel like you are ready to begin moving on from your last relationship, consider the following tips to kickstart your journey toward healing:

• Build, or rebuild, your support system: Your last relationship may have created some distance between you and your friends or family. Having a support system of trusted individuals can help provide you with listening ears and shoulders to lean on in moments where you feel alone. Consider reaching out to your friends and family to let them know you would appreciate their support at this time. If you find it difficult to share details about your current situation with friends and family, look into support groups in your area that focus on healing from abusive or unhealthy relationships. 

• Create a new routine: Creating a new routine may help provide you with the fresh start you need to begin healing. We recommend that your new routine include ways to address both your physical and emotional needs. Ensuring you have time to prepare and eat well-balanced meals, get regular sleep, spend time outdoors, and implement self-care techniques are all great ways to begin nurturing your body and mind. 

• Establish boundaries: Talking about your previous relationship or seeing your ex-partner on social media may bring back negative feelings or trigger difficult emotions for you. Take some time to identify and establish boundaries that will help you process your feelings at your own pace and protect your peace. This can include unfollowing or blocking your ex-partner on your social networks, asking your friends or family not to bring up your past relationship, or not visiting certain parts of town to minimize the chances of running into your ex-partner. 

Some break-ups are more difficult to process than others. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or unable to cope with the feelings you have associated with the break-up, it may be a good time to schedule an appointment with a therapist. We encourage you to book a phone consultation today for more information. 

Trouble in Paradise? How to Practice Better Communication Skills with Your Partner

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Talking to your partner during conflict is not always easy or constructive. When stressors are at an all-time high and patience is at an all-time low, it can make for a very difficult conversation or a potential argument. If you’re finding it hard to communicate with your partner during conflict, it may be time to change your approach. Here are some communication skills and strategies that you can practice next time you’re in the middle of conflict with your significant other:

Create a time and space to connect and converse

It is easy to get lost in the daily hustle and bustle of work, chores, pet or childcare, and other scheduled commitments. Sometimes, this means not being able to have a real conversation with your partner in weeks, or even months despite experiencing problems in your relationship. Being intentional about setting a recurring time and date to talk can help give you and your partner the space you need to truly connect, not just “talk.” Creating this time can also give you an opportunity to routinely check-in with each other about an ongoing concern as opposed to letting frustration build-up overtime. 

Listen to understand, not to respond

When you are frustrated, upset, or sensitive about a certain topic, it may be easy to become defensive when your partner brings this specific topic up (ie. division of chores, current finances, relationships with your in-laws, etc.). Our defensiveness usually manifests itself by interrupting or responding to our partner before they have even had a chance to finish sharing their thoughts. With that said, it is important to understand why your partner is bringing up this topic in the first place. Listening to understand is a skill that can take some time to learn, but can drastically improve the dynamic in your conversations with your partner and with others. When you are able to listen to your partner’s complete thought or story before jumping in with a response, you are able to better understand where they are coming from, and can then respond to your partner’s concern without becoming defensive. 

Be fully present in the conversation

Some people prefer to avoid or not engage in confrontation. While we understand that engaging in a difficult conversation is not everyone’s cup of tea, it is important that you remain fully present in conversations that you have with your partner. This means getting rid of any distractions or things that can withdraw from your attention, such as cell phones or other electronic devices. Being able to fully engage in conversations with your partner, no matter how difficult, can show your partner that you care about what they have to say and will help lessen the amount of information you would have missed due to not giving your partner your full attention. 

Avoid judging or insulting your partner.

Conflict can bring out the worst in us. When communicating with your partner during conflict, it is important to keep your composure and avoid judging or insulting your partner. A constructive conversation can quickly go south when someone decides to accuse, assume, belittle, or insult the other person. In order to increase your chances at having a constructive conversation and positive resolution, it is important that we try our hardest to avoid these “low blows.” 

We understand that implementing these strategies and suggestions to improve your communication with your partner may be easier said than done. You may also feel that no matter how hard you and your partner have tried to talk recently, you’ve hit a roadblock in your relationship and need help getting past it. Our therapists at Life By Design offer couples counseling that aims to help partners work through challenges and breaks in communication. Schedule a phone consultation today to help you and your partner get back on track with your communication and overall relationship. 

Holiday Hostility? Strategies on Resolving Conflict with Your Partner This Holiday Season

by Melody Wright, LMFT

The holidays can bring up more arguments and friction than usual in our relationships. Traveling, visiting in-laws, and the pressure to spend money on extravagant gifts can increase our stress levels and decrease our patience. If you’re currently in the middle of conflict with your partner, or just want to prepare for potential disagreements, we hope the following strategies will help you and your partner have a harmonious holiday season.

Try not to point fingers. There’s only so much you can do when a flight gets delayed, and you’re forced to wait at the airport for more time than you anticipated. In stressful moments like these, it might be easy to shift blame and tell your partner that this is their fault (ie. “If we had booked an earlier flight like I suggested, this wouldn’t have happened”). Assigning blame won’t change your current predicament. In fact, it may even make it more stressful as you’ve now created a situation where your partner may feel hurt by your words. In situations like this, we encourage you to try and avoid pointing fingers. Instead, see if you can come together as a team to seek other potential options or making the most out of the additional time you have to spend airport (ie. Can you get some online shopping done while you wait at the terminal?). 

Avoid criticizing your partner. We get it, you’re in the middle of a store full of impatient shoppers, and your partner has yet again forgotten their wallet at home. All you can think of saying is “how can you be so forgetful?!” We know it may take a lot of effort, but we encourage you to take a pause whenever you feel like stating a negative critique toward your partner. This is a stressful moment for you both, and your partner may have had a lot on their mind before leaving the house. Instead of criticizing, try to find a solution to fix the immediate problem, then take time to talk about this once you’ve cooled down and settled in at home. You may find that there is a simple fix to an ongoing problem once you’ve taken the time to talk to each other (ie. Putting a box next to the door to store your partner’s wallet may give them a visual reminder to grab it before leaving the house.)

Identify the problem and choose to face it together. Sometimes all you need is a shift in your mindset. Instead of feeling like it’s you versus your partner, consider changing the dynamic to you and your partner versus the problem. When you decide to work together to face a problem, you may realize that you no longer want to argue with your partner. Redirecting your focus may also help you come up with a solution quicker as your goal is now to fight the problem, not each other. 

Create an exit strategy. Sometimes being with extended family can be physically and emotionally exhausting, especially after limiting physical interactions over the last few months. If you or your partner know that spending too much time with in-laws has created high levels of tension in the past, it’s better to plan ahead. This will help you provide you with some options and hopefully prevent you from taking out your stress on each other. Whether it’s choosing to stay at a hotel instead of your in-law’s house or having a code word when you are ready to head home, respecting each other’s choice to leave at a reasonable time may help you end your night on a more positive note. 

We hope that these strategies have given you some tools to keep in your back pocket should you sense some conflict making its way into your relationship. For more information on how to handle relationship conflict, keep an eye out for our upcoming workshops. 

Are You Sabotaging Your Own Relationship?

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Sometimes, we run away from or reject relationships that are good for us due to our own limiting beliefs. Naturally, not all relationships are destined to work out. However, if you have ever chosen to start a fight or end an otherwise healthy relationship over something relatively unimportant, you might be guilty of self-sabotage. 

We may or may not recognize when we are sabotaging our relationships -- but if we find ourselves in a pattern of failed relationships, it is worth examining our beliefs and behaviors to see if self-sabotage may be contributing. In this blog post, we'll discuss how to notice when you might be engaging in self-sabotage, the types of self-sabotaging behaviors that often impact relationships, and what to do if you want to stop sabotaging your relationships.

What is Self-Sabotage?

Self-sabotage is the act of covertly damaging or ruining something we care about or that is beneficial to us, often without realizing it. In relationships, we might exhibit this behavior by saying something we don't mean to our partners, inciting inflammatory arguments, or even ending a happy and loving relationship for no good reason. This can lead to a pattern of repeated arguments and/or failed relationships that negatively impacts our happiness.

Oftentimes, we engage in self-sabotage because of negative core beliefs related to ourselves and others. We may think we are unworthy of love or that all relationships are destined to fail, leading us to think and behave in certain ways that impact our relationships. For example, if we believe all relationships are destined to fail, we may not give our partner our best effort or may even end the relationship preemptively to protect ourselves from heartbreak.

Types of Relationship Self-Sabotage

Relationship self-sabotage is not "one-size-fits-all." There are various ways in which we might sabotage our relationships depending upon our individual beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors.

Some examples of self-sabotaging behaviors that often affect people in relationships include:

• Getting into relationships with partners who have no long-term potential

• Comparing our current partner to a previous partner (or an "ideal partner")

• Being overly critical of our partners' characteristics, flaws, or mistakes

• Avoiding intimacy by holding back our thoughts and emotions when we feel vulnerable

• Inciting inflammatory arguments over small, insignificant problems or actions

• Only starting to feel uncertain about the relationship when it shows signs of progression

• Ending a relationship preemptively, before our partner can hurt us by ending it themself 

Why We Sabotage Our Relationships

Just as self-sabotage can look different to everyone, it can also come from different places. Many times, self-sabotage originates with a traumatic experience or self-limiting beliefs we hold about ourselves or about relationships.

Some examples of beliefs that can fuel self-sabotage include:

• I am not worthy of love.

• I am not good enough.

• Other people can't be trusted.

• My partners always leave me.

• Relationships never last.

• Intimacy is dangerous

• Vulnerability is weakness.

How to Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships

Now that you understand how and why you might be sabotaging your relationships, the big question is this: how do you stop engaging in self-sabotage? Many of us who self-sabotage want to enjoy healthy, lasting relationships; we simply do not know how to do this without unintentionally sabotaging ourselves.

One way to catch yourself when you engage in self-sabotage is to understand your attachment style and how it might influence your behavior in relationships. We previously posted a series of blogs about attachment styles -- give them a read to help you understand yours and how it might influence the way you behave in relationships. If you have an insecure attachment style, you might be especially likely to self-sabotage.

The process of recognizing and correcting self-sabotage is ongoing and requires constant attention to our thoughts and behaviors. It can be challenging to undergo this process on your own, but you do not need to do it alone. Therapy can help you catch and correct negative beliefs that lead to self-sabotage. Contact Life by Design Therapy today to learn how our clinicians can help you enjoy happier, healthy relationships -- without sabotaging yourself.

Interested in attachment?

Read our attachment blog series to learn how your attachment style impacts your relationship!

Five Characteristics of a Narcissistic Relationship that Can Be Mistaken for Emotional Intimacy

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Narcissistic relationships often start off on a high note, creating a false sense of emotional intimacy. An early narcissistic relationship can feel like a whirlwind, or may even convince you that you have met your soulmate. However, many of the traits we mistake for love or emotional intimacy in a narcissistic relationship are actually the result of your partner's Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). 

Whether or not you choose to stay with a narcissistic partner, it's important to understand the difference between true intimacy and narcissistic traits and behaviors. While true intimacy is not impossible in a narcissistic relationship, it may not come easily to someone struggling with NPD. Ultimately, the decision to stay in or leave a narcissistic relationship is intensely personal. In the process of evaluating the quality of your relationship, take care that you don't confuse these characteristics of NPD with emotional intimacy.

1. Fast-Paced

Narcissistic relationships often become serious quickly. Someone with NPD may seem like they are in a rush to enter a committed relationship. They may overemphasize how compatible you are early in the relationship, or say "I love you" after a short period of time. 

While these behaviors alone do not make someone a narcissist, they can be a sign that the person you're with may be trying to manufacture emotional intimacy. If you're uncomfortable with the speed the relationship is moving at, it may be a sign that something deeper is going on.

2. Intense

People with NPD often come on strong when dating someone new. If your partner struggles with NPD, they may initially "love-bomb" you, lavishing you with attention, affection, and gifts. This can leave you feeling conflicted when the negative side of NPD begins to show itself. 

It's important not to confuse this intensity with true intimacy. Some moments of stress or turmoil may be normal in a relationship, but a stable, intimate partnership should not feel like an emotional rollercoaster most of the time. 

3. Extremely Close

Feeling close to your romantic partner is, of course, normal and natural. However, it's important not to confuse a lack of boundaries with emotional intimacy. In a healthy relationship, you can still be close to your partner while maintaining other relationships with family and friends, as well as upholding boundaries that are important to you. 

Someone with NPD may make you feel bad for spending time with others or for asserting your need for space or independence. They may repeatedly violate your boundaries, even when you explicitly tell them what those boundaries are. But no matter what they say, this control is not the face of "closeness" or "intimacy." 

4. Jealous

It's normal to experience jealousy in a relationship from time to time, but a narcissistic partner may take jealousy to the extreme. Someone with NPD may use their jealousy to make unfounded accusations against you (for example, "are you cheating on me?"). Or, they may be jealous when you spend time with anyone who isn't them, including family or friends. 

Jealousy can become especially problematic in a narcissistic relationship if it leads to controlling or intrusive behavior, like reading your text messages without permission or trying to limit who you're allowed to see. Anytime that your partner's NPD causes them to exhibit abusive behavior, it's worth examining the health and happiness of your relationship.

5. Too Good To Be True

Someone with NPD may exaggerate or misrepresent themselves to you. In the early days of a relationship, they may also reflect your interests or hobbies back to you to seem like you have more in common than you actually do. Many times, narcissists do not have an emotional framework for authentic bonding, so they may rely on these gimmicks to grow close to you.

This does not mean that someone you are compatible with must be lying to you about it. However, you should always trust your instincts when they tell you someone may not be who they seem to be. If something (or someone) seems too good to be true, it probably is. Someone who claims to be your "soulmate," yet is not true to their word, definitely falls into this category.

How Your Relationship May Change Post-Pandemic

by Melody Wright, LMFT

The COVID-19 pandemic brought major changes to every area of our lives, including our romantic relationships. From new couples quarantining together to married couples coworking from home, many relationships faced momentous challenges that brought partners closer together (or pulled them apart).

As we adjust to the "new normal" post-pandemic, we can expect our relationships to further grow, shift, and evolve in novel ways. For example, we may find that our relationship has become stronger as a result of surviving a pandemic together, or that quarantining together strained our connections with our partners.

It's important to normalize all of these changes to our post-pandemic relationships. After all, the COVID-19 pandemic inflicted unprecedented trauma on a global scale, and such a dramatic experience is bound to change the way we relate to ourselves and others. Whatever you and your partner are going through, you are not alone. 

Most, if not all, romantic relationships have continued to evolve after the pandemic. Here are some of the most common changes relationships are facing post-pandemic, and how you and your partner can navigate them to bring about the best possible outcome for both individuals.

Your relationship may become stronger.

Many committed relationships, including married couples, benefited from increased time at home with their partners during the pandemic. According to survey data, 58% of couples said that the pandemic increased their appreciation for their partners, and nearly half of people in long-term relationships reported that the pandemic deepened their commitment to their partners. As a result, many couples are feeling stronger than ever after the COVID-19 pandemic. In fact, 2019 saw a 50-year low in the national divorce rate. 

The likelihood that a couple would report a stronger relationship post-pandemic appears to be tied to the quality of the relationship prior to the pandemic. In other words, strong relationships only became stronger during quarantine, while weaker relationships may have experienced more stress or conflict. Undoubtedly, many couples navigated new challenges due to the COVID-19 pandemic, such as working from home, childcare demands, and less time apart. However, the good news is that couples who were able to effectively cope with these stressors may emerge from the pandemic with a deeper appreciation for and stronger connection to their partners.

You may spend less time with your partner.

Couples who quarantined together during the pandemic became used to spending every waking moment with their significant others. The pandemic accelerated typical relationship timelines by forcing many couples to cohabitate earlier than they may have done otherwise. Couples in the early stages of relationships may have spent more time together than most people in new partnerships, while individuals in long-term relationships or marriages may have seen more of each other than they had in a while!

In some ways, the return to some semblance of "normalcy" after the pandemic may actually improve your relationship with your partner. It is certainly possible for couples to spend too much time together. The pandemic may have encouraged you to rely on your partner for multiple types of emotional nourishment, rather than seeking support from external sources like activities, friends, and family members. Going back to work and hobbies, and spending more time with other people, gives you time to miss your partner, while also taking away some of the pressure on your partner to uplift you emotionally.

In other ways, spending more time away from home may strain your relationship with your partner as you navigate increased commitments outside the house. For example, challenges regarding division of labor may emerge as you and your partner return to your regular routines. Couples with children or pets may have gotten used to dividing responsibilities in a certain way throughout the pandemic. However, as caretakers return to work, there may be disagreements about how to manage these responsibilities moving forward, with the increased demands inflicted by the return to work and other outside activities.

Your relationship may end -- and that's okay.

Not every relationship is destined to survive the post-pandemic landscape, and that's okay. Whatever your relationship experience after the COVID-19 pandemic, you are deserving of comfort and validation. If you are working through a breakup after the pandemic, you are not alone in your experience. There are many reasons why a relationship may crumble in the aftermath of quarantine, but most indicate that there were interpersonal issues originating before the pandemic that were simply revealed in the heat of the moment. 

In some cases, quarantining with a partner during the pandemic may have prolonged the shelf life of an unhealthy or unstable relationship. Other times, the pandemic may have unveiled deep-seated conflicts or differences in values that rendered the relationship unsustainable in the long-term. Whatever the reason for your separation, it's normal to experience a wide range of emotions as you come to terms with the end of any relationship, including those that may have ended due to the COVID-19 pandemic.

The silver lining in this situation is that experiencing the end of a significant relationship due to COVID-19 may change your perspective on dating in the future. According to research conducted by the dating app Hinge, many young people are approaching relationships and dating differently in the post-COVID world. Over ⅔ of Hinge users report that they are being more mindful of what kind of partner they are looking for in the long-term, and more than half say they are now looking for a serious, long-term relationship. While this may not make you feel better about the end of your relationship, it may help to know that the experience of dating during a pandemic has helped many people reflect on the quality of their relationships and make connections that are more meaningful and fulfilling to them.

References:

1. https://media.deseret.com/media/misc/pdf/afs/2020-AFS-Final-Report.pdf?_ga=2.133039110.944703945.1610115812-1901370271.1610115803,

2. https://ifstudies.org/blog/number-1-in-2020-the-us-divorce-rate-has-hit-a-50-year-low

3. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33151125/

4. https://www.purewow.com/wellness/intentional-dating

Dating a Narcissist? Here's How You Can Tell

by Melody Wright, LMFT

First, we want to acknowledge how challenging it is to be in a relationship with someone who is a narcissist or who has narcissistic behaviors. While this blog is not meant to minimize the impact of unhealthy behaviors on your relationship, we also want to be aware of mislabeling and pathologizing someone’s behaviors.  This blog is meant to provide reflection and tools to identify narcissistic behaviors of relating to others, as well as things to consider if you think you are dating a narcissist.

Relationships are hard -- but relationships with a narcissist can feel borderline impossible. If your partner struggles with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), they may have an inflated sense of self-importance and a need for attention that becomes overwhelming in your relationship.

Someone who has been diagnosed with NPD may have little regard for other people's feelings, making them challenging partners to be in a relationship with. When you're dating a narcissist, you may suffer from emotional abuse, manipulation and a lack of long-term commitment. 

Does this remind you of your romantic relationship? Here's how to tell if you might be dating a narcissist -- and what to do about it if you are dating one.

Signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

So, think you might be dating a narcissist? If you suspect your partner may have NPD, you may recognize some of the following characteristics in their behavior:

• They are condescending and believe they are better than others

• They engage in excessive attempts to seek attention and admiration from others

• Their self-esteem may be overly dependent on others and/or fluctuate with their mood

• They may set unrealistically high goals based on an inflated sense of their own performance, or hold themselves to low standards due to a sense of entitlement

• They are excessively attuned to others' reactions when it comes to themselves, but they have an impaired ability to empathize with other people

• Their relationships are largely superficial and serve to boost their self-esteem

If your partner has NPD, these traits will likely manifest themselves in your relationship. For example, a narcissistic partner might be overly critical of you, fail to value you or seek excessive attention from you in your relationship. 

What to Do If You're Dating a Narcissist

Dating a narcissist can take a toll on your self-esteem. Your partner may engage in gaslighting behavior, making you feel you are crazy or forgetful; sabotage your relationship or other friendships; turn all the blame in the relationship towards you; or even deliver intense praise, followed by verbal abuse. All of these experiences can make you begin to doubt your own reality and start to wonder if the problem is you, rather than your partner. 

So, what should you do if you suspect your partner suffers from NPD? Because NPD can take such a difficult toll on your self-esteem, it's important that you consider if this is the type of relationship you want to be in, since staying in any relationship is a choice you need to make for yourself. There are two ways you can do this: encouraging your narcissistic partner to seek help for their NPD or leaving the relationship altogether.

Encouraging Your Partner to Seek Help

It's important not to stay in a relationship with a narcissist because you feel obligated to "fix" them. However, if you decide to stay in the relationship, you should make it clear to your partner that you will not tolerate their narcissistic behaviors and that they should seek help for their NPD.

Treatment for NPD typically consists of long-term, intensive therapy that will allow your partner to come to grips with how their disorder has impacted their life and prevented them from reaching their full potential. 

You may also consider couples' therapy in addition to individual therapy for your partner's NPD since their personality disorder affects you as well as them. Involving loved ones like you in the healing process will help your partner see how their NPD has negatively affected others in their life and understand the true ramifications of their behavior.

Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship

Leaving a narcissist can feel difficult, especially since they are often charming and will shower you with praise to make up for their negative behaviors. Still, for many people, leaving a toxic, narcissistic relationship is the best option.

When leaving a narcissist, it may be best to avoid contacting your ex following the relationship. That person may try to guilt you into taking the blame for the breakup or tell you what you want to hear so you will get back together for them. Taking space from that person will allow you to repair your self-esteem and get back in touch with what you really want in a relationship. 

You may miss your narcissistic partner at first -- and that is completely normal. Even if your partner was emotionally and verbally abusive, you may have formed a deep attachment to them in the trauma of your relationship that can make it more difficult to leave them behind. Seeking help from a qualified therapist who can support you during the healing process may make it easier to recover from the fallout of the relationship.

Understanding Attachment Styles, Part III: What is Secure Attachment?

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Dr. Sue Johnson first developed Emotionally Focused Couples and Family Therapy (EFT) in the 1980s, with the goal of understanding how to help people with insecure attachment styles become more secure in their relationships. EFT considers insecurity to be the main driver of conflict in couples -- which is why it's so important to develop a secure attachment style.

Some people are fortunate enough to develop secure attachment relationships early on, as a result of receiving consistent love and attention from their parents and caregivers in childhood. For those who have developed anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles, developing a secure attachment style is the ultimate goal of EFT. 


It's possible for anyone to develop a secure attachment -- but first, it's essential to understand what, exactly, it means to have a secure attachment style.

The Secure Attachment Style

Our attachment styles begin in early childhood, and secure attachment is no different. Babies need to feel confident in their caregiver's availability and responsiveness in order to develop secure relationships later in life. 

According to Dr. Diana Divecha, secure attachments serve three functions in a child's life:

1. Providing a sense of safety and security.

2. Helping children regulate emotions by soothing distress and creating joy.

3. Offering a secure base from which children can safely explore.

When one or many of these elements are missing from a caregiver's response to their child, the child may go on to develop an insecure attachment style -- anxious, avoidant, disorganized -- later in life. However, when all of these elements are present, a baby can grow into a healthy, happy adult with the confidence and security they need to pursue romantic relationships and share their innermost emotions with others.

How to Develop a Secure Relationship

Even if you don't view yourself as a person with a secure attachment style, you can work to address your insecure behaviors, challenge unhelpful thoughts, and develop a secure relationship. 

People with insecure attachment types may inadvertently seek out partners who are inattentive to their needs or even abusive because this pattern of behavior is familiar to them from childhood. Often, one secure relationship is all we need to show ourselves that relationships can be "safe" and that others can be trusted.

Developing a secure attachment style is easier said than done, and many times requires therapy to help unpack the childhood experiences that shaped our attachment style in adulthood. However, there are a few proactive things you can do to promote healthy, secure attachment in a romantic relationship:

• Tend to your own needs. Secure attachment goes hand-in-hand with self-esteem. When you value yourself, you meet your own needs before attending to anyone else’s. It's important to maintain some independence in a relationship -- and one way to do that is to take time for self-care. Go to an exercise class without your partner, get a haircut or manicure, write in a journal…. Whatever you can do to help yourself feel good without the help of others, make time for it. We should also understand that if our partner wants to be alone or spend time with friends, it doesn’t mean that they don’t love us. It just means that they need to care for themself, too.
  
  
  

• Set realistic expectations. Disney princess culture teaches us that romance needs to be perfect in order to be “true love.” Yet secure partners understand that perfection doesn’t exist in real life -- and they love and cherish their partners for who they are, imperfections and all. If you want to have a healthy and secure relationship, accept your partner's flaws, and set realistic expectations for your relationship. Having a successful relationship is about working with your partner, not trying to fix or change them.
  
  
  

• Fight fairly. Some conflict is unavoidable in any relationship. You can’t control what your partner does in the face of conflict, but you can control how you respond. Fighting fairly means taking responsibility for your own feelings without blaming or name-calling. Whenever possible, it’s best to bring up concerns in a relationship when both partners are calm. If you need to, take time away from the conflict to cool down before working together to solve the problem at hand. 

Whether you currently identify as anxious, avoidant, disorganized, or secure in your attachment style, there is always room for improvement when it comes to developing healthy, happy relationships. These tips will help you feel more secure in your relationship -- and support your partner’s sense of security, too. If you find you need more support, Life by Design Therapy can help you and your partner grow through conflict and come out stronger than ever before. Contact us for a free phone consultation to learn more about our holistic approach to couples’ counseling.

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