Mindful Limits: The Connection Between Boundaries and Self-Compassion

By Melody Wright, LMFT

In the hustle culture of life, where demands seem endless and the pace is relentless, the concept of boundaries is becoming more and more prevalent. When many of us hear the word boundaries we probably consider them as a strategy for creating physical space, yet they go beyond just that. Have you ever considered that boundaries are a way to show yourself compassion or that utilizing boundaries is a form of self-care? 

Not only do boundaries have the ability to create physical space, but they also create mental and emotional space as well. Boundaries can also be utilized when cultivating a secure relationship with yourself. In this blog, we will explore the ways to mindfully incorporate boundaries into every aspect of your life. 

Understanding Boundaries Through a Mindful Lens

Cultivating mindfulness establishes an awareness that will support you in every aspect of your life. Mindfulness is the practice of being fully present and aware of the current moment. We call it a practice because, with every new adventure or obstacle in life, you will find that in new seasons you might need to shift the way you approach things. When living mindfully you will find that creating limits, such as boundaries, involves a conscious and deliberate approach. And to be honest, it’s not always easy. You will begin to learn your limits, where to place the boundaries, or where to let things slide, however, It’s all about finding balance within yourself. 

SELF-DISCOVERY Through Mindful Boundaries

Mindfulness encourages self-awareness, which enables you to recognize your needs, desires, and limits. When you take the time to reflect on personal values, preferences, and places of comfort, you’re able to start creating boundaries that reflect your authentic self. This process of self-discovery is actually an act of self-compassion. By acknowledging your unique qualities you start to value them enough to protect and nurture them which in turn is acknowledging how valuable you are. 

Compassion in Saying “NO”

Setting boundaries often involves saying 'no' to certain demands, commitments, or situations, which can be challenging for many people. When you evaluate the situation and determine that it doesn’t align with your needs or find that you don’t have the mental, emotional, or physical capacity to fulfill the demand, this 'no' becomes an act of self-compassion rather than a rejection. By mindfully saying 'no', you communicate that your well-being is a priority, cultivating a sense of self-respect and self-love.

Balancing Empathy and Boundaries

Empathy is a cornerstone of compassion, both towards others and oneself. Cultivating mindful boundaries creates a balance between empathy and self-preservation, showing that you can be compassionate without sacrificing your personal well-being. For those naturally inclined towards empathy, tend to absorb the emotions and needs of others to the detriment of one's own mental and emotional health. Cultivating these mindful boundaries allows you to empathize with others without becoming overwhelmed. Creating this awareness allows you to know when to engage and when to create a gentle barrier to safeguard your emotional equilibrium.

Self-Compassion in Conflict

When on your on your self-discovery journey you might find that boundaries often come into play during conflicts or challenging conversations. Navigating these situations mindfully involves approaching conflicts with compassion. Instead of viewing boundaries as walls, consider them as bridges that enable open communication while still preserving personal well-being. When you practice mindfulness in conflict, you can foster understanding and compassion for yourself and the other person or persons involved. 

Recognizing Burnout Signals

As you journey through the practice of mindfulness, you’ll begin to become more attuned to the present moment and move through it without judgment or distraction. When this happens you’ll become more aware of the things that trigger any overwhelm or burnout in its early stages. This will allow you to become more proactive in placing those boundaries to prevent the stress from taking over and allow you the opportunity for rest and rejuvenation. 

Practical Tips for Mindful Boundary Setting

1. Self-Reflection: Regularly check in with yourself to assess your emotional and mental state. What are your current needs and limits?

2. Communicate with Clarity: When setting boundaries, communicate with clarity and honesty. Articulate your needs and limits in a way that cultivates understanding. However, we want you to know that it’s ok if others don’t understand. What matters is that you and your well-being feel secure. 

3. Practice Saying 'No': Saying 'No' is an essential aspect of setting boundaries. Although this can be challenging for many people practice doing so with kindness and assertiveness.

4. Reevaluate and Adjust: Life is dynamic, and so are your boundaries. It’s okay to check in with yourself, reassess your limits, and adjust them as needed. 

Final Thoughts

Through the practice of mindfulness, you can discover, communicate, and uphold boundaries that not only protect your well-being but also nurture a compassionate relationship with yourself and others. By recognizing the interplay between empathy, present-moment awareness, and the setting of boundaries, you can create a more balanced and fulfilling life. 

We understand that communication, self-discovery, and establishing boundaries can be complex and even challenging. If you are finding that you need support in these areas, consider working with a therapist. Life By Design Therapy has a team of therapists who are committed to seeing you heal, grow, and thrive in life. If you are interested in working with one of our therapists, CLICK HERE to schedule a free consultation today!

Affirmations for Creating Mindful Boundaries 

1. My boundaries are a reflection of my self-respect and commitment to well-being.

2. I trust my instincts to guide me in establishing healthy and mindful limits.

3. I am worthy of the peace and harmony that mindful boundaries bring to my life.

4. My boundaries are flexible and adaptive, allowing me to grow while maintaining balance.

5. I release guilt when saying 'no,' knowing that it is an expression of self-love.

Additional Resources 

1. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend 

2. The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" by Brené Brown 

3. "Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day" by Anne Katherine

4. The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions" by Christopher K. Germer

5. "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents" by Allison Bottke 

6. "Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time" by Melody Beattie 

7. "Setting Boundaries with Difficult People: Six Steps to Sanity for Challenging Relationships" by David J. Lieberman

8. "The Art of Extreme Self-Care: Transform Your Life One Month at a Time" by Cheryl Richardson

9. "Setting Boundaries Will Set You Free: The Ultimate Guide to Telling the Truth, Creating Connection, and Finding Freedom" by Nancy Levin

10. "The Power of No: Because One Little Word Can Bring Health, Abundance, and Happiness" by James Altucher and Claudia Azula Altucher
    

Keys to Connection: Navigating Parent-Teen Communication

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Do you remember your teenage years? I sure do; the whirlwind of emotions, growth spurts, and eye rolls. It was a challenging time for all of us. As we learned to navigate independence and figure out who we were, our parents probably wondered what was happening in our heads, mainly because it wasn’t “cool” to talk to our parents because they wouldn’t “get it”. Are you experiencing this situation with your own teen? If you are, I’m sure it can feel like a rollercoaster most days. In this blog, I will provide you with tools you can utilize to deepen your connection with your teen and create a safe environment for your relationship to thrive through communication. 

Tools for Connecting With Your Teen

“I don’t know what to do anymore” or “Where do I begin?” are some common statements among parents with teens. Let me ask you a question, What are you feeling in those complex moments with your teen? Have you ever been aware of this? Do you ever get flushed, notice your heart rate increasing, or yell? The first place to start with navigating these moments with your teen is becoming aware of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. 

When you notice you and your teen entering into a conversation remind yourself to be the water to their fire. You can’t fight fire with fire, so approaching with peace, empathy, and awareness will start the conversation off with a solid foundation. If you find that regulating your own emotions is difficult, try incorporating mindfulness into your day. For example, you can start your day by spending 5 minutes journaling, utilizing breathing techniques, and pausing for moments of gratitude throughout the day. 

Step Into Their World 

Empathy is the art of stepping into another's shoes, of experiencing their emotions as if they were your own. For parents, it's the ability to truly grasp the rollercoaster of feelings that adolescents ride daily. You can do this by remembering your teenage years – the excitement, the anxiety, the dreams, and the uncertainties. Your teenager's emotions may be different, but the intensity is familiar. Empathy can create a foundation of safety for your teen to open up with you. 

However, empathy and non-judgment go hand-in-hand and it’s all too easy to slip into judgment when you’re a parent - to impose your experiences and expectations onto your teen's life. When your teenager expresses their thoughts or emotions, resist the urge to label or criticize their experience. Instead, create a haven where they feel free to be vulnerable without fearing criticism or punishment. Your role shifts from being an evaluator to a listener, which fosters an atmosphere of trust and open dialogue.

Pairing empathy and non-judgment with active listening can be the perfect communication cocktail. When your child knows you’re actively listening, it deepens the safety of your relationship, which deepens your connection. To actively listen you must have a mindful and engaged presence that reflects your commitment to understand what your teen might be trying to communicate. This is an opportunity for you to turn off the mental drafts of what you want to say next and be fully present. You can utilize reflective listening as well to confirm to them that they have been heard.

Somatic Techniques and Your Teen

As a teen, there are so many things happening at once within their inner selves. Not only are they learning to navigate a new body, but they’re also learning to navigate feelings and emotions that suddenly come up. Teens often grapple with a variety of feelings, ranging from excitement and curiosity to insecurity and frustration. As they journey through these intricate emotional realms, it's not uncommon for them to struggle with putting these emotions into words. Somatic techniques can be the supportive tool they need to make this connection between their mind and body. When they become more aware of what their body is communicating they will begin to learn how to articulate their emotions and what is occurring within their inner selves. 

Final Thoughts

Building a lasting and loving relationship with your child yields an investment in yourself as well. We encourage you to support your teen by becoming aware of your own body and how it correlates to your emotions. Every step you take, and every conversation you have with your teen is just a brick that is being laid in the foundation of your relationship. We want you to remember that these connection goals take time. While you learn to have patience with your child, we encourage you to have patience with yourself as well.  

Life By Design Therapy is here to support you and your family. If you are interested in learning more about how Somatic and Holistic Therapy can complement your life or your teen's life, we would love to hear from you. If you’re located in California, please click below to schedule your complimentary consultation and let’s figure out a plan together.  

Additional Resources 

1. Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challengesby Mona Delahooke 

2. Parenting the New Teen in the Age of Anxiety: A Complete Guide to Your Child's Stressed, Depressed, Expanded, Amazing Adolescence by Dr. John Duffy

3.  How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

4. Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain by Daniel J. Siegel MD

5. Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall by Anthony E. Wolf

6. The Teenage Brain: A Neuroscientist's Survival Guide to Raising Adolescents and Young Adults by Frances E. Jensen

7. Anger Management for Parents: The ultimate guide to understand your triggers, stop losing your temper, master your emotions, and raise confident children by Vivian Foster 

8. UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World by Michele Borba

9. The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind by Daniel J. J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

10. Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive by Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell

Relationship Communication 101: Enhancing Connection and Understanding

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Have you ever found yourself in the midst of a conversation and felt like you were speaking two different languages? Or maybe you were trying to convey your feelings to someone, but they seemed completely unable to grasp the depth of your emotions? Communication, despite being an integral part of our everyday lives, can often be one of the most challenging aspects of any relationship. Whether it's with a partner, a family member, a friend, or a colleague, how we communicate can profoundly impact the quality of our connections.

Humans are inherently social beings and creating connections is vital to our mental and emotional wellbeing. Having secure relationships can provide a sense of safety, trust, and support, which cultivates a stable foundation for navigating life's challenges. When we feel emotionally secure with those in our lives, we experience reduced levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. 

These types of relationships can foster open communication, empathy, and validation, which allows us to express ourselves freely without fear of judgment. The emotional connection and understanding we find in secure relationships promote feelings of belonging and importance which can boost our self-esteem and a sense of purpose.

Having someone to lean on when you’re going through a hard time can create a buffer against emotional confusion and promote resilience that you can carry with you. In short, secure relationships nourish our mental health, helping us thrive emotionally and lead fulfilling lives. In this blog, we will give you the tools to improve your communication skills and create a deeper connection with yourself and those around you. 

The Communication Blueprint

1. Active Listening - Active listening is a foundational skill for effective communication. Many of us may believe we are good listeners, but true active listening goes beyond just hearing words. It involves giving your full attention to the person talking, maintaining eye contact, and showing genuine interest in what they are saying. Try to avoid interrupting or formulating responses while the other person is speaking; instead, focus on understanding their perspective before reacting.
   

2. Use "I" Statements - When discussing sensitive or emotional topics, use "I" statements rather than "you" statements. For example, say "I feel hurt when this happens" instead of "You always do this." This simple shift in language helps prevent blame and defensiveness, creating a safer space for open dialogue and understanding.
   

3. Empathy and Validation - Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. Validating someone's emotions doesn't necessarily mean agreeing with them, but rather acknowledging their feelings as real and legitimate. It fosters a sense of emotional support and reassurance, strengthening the emotional bond between individuals.
   

4. Be Mindful of Non-Verbal Cues - Communication isn't limited to spoken words; non-verbal cues play a significant role too. Be aware of what your body and facial expression are saying, they can convey emotions that words might not capture fully. Similarly, also be aware of the other person's non-verbal cues so that you can gain better insights into their feelings and reactions.
   

5. Timing is Everything -  This is a big one! Bringing up important discussions during stressful or emotional moments can lead to unnecessary conflicts. Be sure to choose an appropriate time and place for discussions that might require attention and emotional investment. It’s also wise to avoid discussing serious matters when one or both of you are tired, angry, or distracted.
   

6. Avoid the Blame Game - When conflicts arise, it can be so easy to point fingers and lay blame on the other person. Instead, focus on the specific issue at hand and communicate with the mission of finding a solution together. Remember, it's not about winning an argument but working as a team to resolve conflicts.

7. Express Appreciation and Affection - Validating and affirming the other person is a powerful tool. It brings gratitude to your mind and it can fill the other person’s self-esteem tank. This can diffuse strong emotions both of you might be feeling. A simple "thank you" or a loving gesture can go a long way.
   

8. Seek Professional Help if Needed - Sometimes, despite our best efforts, communication challenges persist. Seeking the help of a relationship therapist can be beneficial. They can provide valuable insights, facilitate productive conversations, and offer tools to enhance communication within the relationship that is unique to you and your situation.
   

9. Practice Patience - Improving communication in a relationship takes time and effort. Remember to be patient with yourself and the other person as you both learn and grow together. Do your best to avoid getting frustrated if progress seems slow; small steps toward better communication are still progress. 
   

10. Celebrate Differences - Remember that every individual is unique,  and views the world through their individual lens. Differences in communication styles are normal!  Embracing these differences rather than viewing them as obstacles can ground you in the midst of your conversations. The diversity in communication can offer new perspectives and opportunities for growth.

Final Thoughts

The significance of secure relationships for mental health cannot be overstated. These connections act as pillars of emotional stability, providing a safety where we can share our joys and vulnerabilities without judgment. The support, understanding, and trust found in these relationships can create a sense of belonging and acceptance that nurtures our self-esteem and well-being. When we prioritize creating secure relationships, we invest in a  journey of growth and self-discovery. If you’re ready to invest in yourself and in your relationships, Life By Design Therapy has a team of skilled therapists who are eager to work with you. They provide individualized care for each of their clients. If you would like to find out more information, CLICK HERE to schedule your free phone consultation. 

Additional Resources

If you would like additional supportive tools to grow your communication skills, check out the resources below.

1. Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler

2. Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion by George J. Thompson and Jerry B. Jenkins

3. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg

4. The Art of Communicating by Thich Nhat Hanh

5. How to Listen with Intention: The Foundation of True Connection, Communication, and Relationships by Patrick King 

6. 4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work--Anywhere!: Including the "12-Day Communication Challenge!" by Bento C. Leal III

7. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson

8. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

9. The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate by Harriet Lerner

10. Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone by Mark Goulston

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.

Navigating Relationships: 5 Steps to Working Through Conflict

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Conflict…some people embrace it, others run from it. However, we all know that conflict is a natural part of human interaction. Whether it's a disagreement with a friend, a spat with a family member, or tension with a colleague, conflicts can test the relationships we share with others. These moments, though, give us opportunities to learn, grow and deepen our connections with each other. Conflict resolution is not about seeking dominance or proving someone wrong; it is about creating a safe space where all of those involved can express themselves without fear of judgment and finding an outcome that feels comfortable. Communication that is rooted in compassion and empathy offers a pathway to open dialogue that moves us away from blame and toward resolution and connection. In this blog, we will explore 5 steps to work through conflict in your relationships in a constructive and healing way. 

Why is it Important to Resolve Conflicts? 

Communication is the backbone of any relationship. It is through communication that we express our thoughts, share our feelings, and develop a sense of understanding and belonging in society. Resolving conflicts isn't just about smoothing out rough patches in our relationships; it impacts our mental health and well-being. Conflicts that continue to go unaddressed can lead to feelings of stress, anxiety, and frustration. These emotions can take a toll on our mental health, which can lead to sleep disturbances, mood disorders, and even a weakened immune system. 

On the other hand, actively working through conflicts can create a sense of relief and empowerment. When we address conflicts with open communication, empathy, and non-judgment we gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and others. This self-awareness contributes positively to our mental health, cultivating a deeper sense of emotional resilience and self-confidence.

5 Steps to Resolve Conflicts

1. Start With Your Feelings - When you start your discussion, take a moment to reflect on how you felt during the conflict. Were you hurt, frustrated, or anxious? Share your emotions honestly and openly with the other person, using "I" statements to express yourself without blaming or criticizing. Remember that acknowledging your feelings is not a sign of weakness; it's a way to communicate your vulnerability and create a safe space for the other person to do the same.
   
   

2. Share Your Experience - Share your experience of the situation, by describing what happened from your perspective. Be specific and avoid making assumptions about the other person's intentions. Focus on the actions or words that triggered the conflict, and how they made you feel. Actively listen when the other person shares their experiences, giving them the same respect and understanding you desire.
   
   

3. Identify Your Triggers - Identify the specific triggers that contributed to the conflict. Triggers can be anything that brings up intense emotions or reminds you of past hurts. By understanding your triggers, you can communicate them to the other person, helping them be more mindful of their actions. Avoid assigning blame; instead, explain how certain actions or words affected you due to past experiences.
   
   

4. Take Responsibility For Your Part - Taking responsibility for our own actions and words is essential in resolving conflicts compassionately. Acknowledge any mistakes you made during the argument and be open to apologizing if necessary. Avoid being defensive and instead, strive to empathize with the other person's feelings and experiences. Remember that we all have flaws, and admitting them is a sign of strength and self-awareness.
   
   

5. Create a Plan - To prevent similar conflicts in the future, work together to create a plan that promotes understanding and empathy. Discuss ways to improve communication, such as active listening and using "I" statements to express feelings and needs. Establish boundaries that respect each other's triggers and commit to treating one another with compassion and empathy. If necessary, consider seeking the support of a mediator or counselor to help navigate challenging situations.

Final Thoughts

In conclusion, resolving conflicts compassionately through empathic and open communication is an opportunity for growth and deeper connections with others. By focusing on your feelings, sharing experiences, understanding triggers, taking responsibility, and making plans for the future, we can transform conflicts into learning experiences and strengthen our relationships. Remember that conflict is a part of life, but how we approach and navigate it can make all the difference in our own emotional and mental health. Embrace compassion as a guiding principle in resolving conflicts, and you will pave the way for more meaningful relationships. Having someone to be an unbiased support can be beneficial as well. If you are struggling with communication or with relationships in your life, consider reaching out to one of our team members. You can schedule your free phone consultation HERE. 

Additional Resources

1. “4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work--Anywhere!: Including the "12-Day Communication Challenge!" by Bento C. Leal III

2. "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" by Sue Johnson

3. "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

4. "The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate" by Harriet Lerner

5. "Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone" by Mark Goulston

6. "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High" by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler

7. "Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion" by George J. Thompson and Jerry B. Jenkins

8. "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg

9. "The Art of Communicating" by Thich Nhat Hanh

10. ”How to Listen with Intention: The Foundation of True Connection, Communication, and Relationships” by Patrick King

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.

All About Anger – Where Anger Stems from and 4 Tools to Keep Handy

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Our current blog series, “All About Anger,” focuses on providing information about anger, myths and facts associated with anger, where anger comes from, and tools and strategies to address anger as an emotion. Understanding where your anger comes from can help you learn more about yourself, and give you insight as to what strategies can help you address anger.

Understanding where your anger stems from may help to identify certain situations, feelings, or things that usually lead to you experiencing anger. These can be considered your triggers, or red flags, and can include the following:

• People that get in the way of you achieving your goals

• Situations that bring up sensitive topics from childhood (ie. someone talking about their child being bullied, not knowing you were also bullied as a child)

• Daily life interactions can be annoying, but the presence of other stressors can make you angry, such as being stuck in traffic or having a family member be inconsiderate of your needs

• Having negative or emotionally charged interactions with others, both in-person and online

• Reading stories or posts about a topic that you strongly disagree with

As you may notice, these situations can occur on a daily basis, and generally are outside of our control. With all of these opportunities to become angry, what can we do to prevent it? Next time you’re feeling angry, try one of the following strategies to see if you can regulate your emotions:

1. Take a step back: If you are actively in a situation that is raising your anger levels, take a step back. Giving yourself a much-needed break from a situation or conversation that is making you angry can help you clear your head before choosing to continue a conversation, or removing yourself from a situation altogether. 

2. Talk to someone you trust: Getting an outside perspective on a problem or issue that is making you angry can help you adjust your thought process and relieve negative feelings. 

3. Take a walk: If it’s difficult for you to take a timeout from a situation without letting your mind wander back to the issue making you angry, redirecting your attention to physical exercise can help you ease your frustrations. 

4. Make a joke: If you appreciate and use humor to break the tension, and the situation is appropriate, making a joke can help you release some of your anger. 

We hope these strategies have widened your options in the way you usually address anger. Not all strategies may work for you, but we encourage you to try the ones that feel right based on your needs and preferences. In our next blog, you will learn more about some long-term options to help address anger. If you need to speak to someone today about how to address your anger, please schedule a free consultation with one of our therapists.

Trouble in Paradise? How to Practice Better Communication Skills with Your Partner

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Talking to your partner during conflict is not always easy or constructive. When stressors are at an all-time high and patience is at an all-time low, it can make for a very difficult conversation or a potential argument. If you’re finding it hard to communicate with your partner during conflict, it may be time to change your approach. Here are some communication skills and strategies that you can practice next time you’re in the middle of conflict with your significant other:

Create a time and space to connect and converse

It is easy to get lost in the daily hustle and bustle of work, chores, pet or childcare, and other scheduled commitments. Sometimes, this means not being able to have a real conversation with your partner in weeks, or even months despite experiencing problems in your relationship. Being intentional about setting a recurring time and date to talk can help give you and your partner the space you need to truly connect, not just “talk.” Creating this time can also give you an opportunity to routinely check-in with each other about an ongoing concern as opposed to letting frustration build-up overtime. 

Listen to understand, not to respond

When you are frustrated, upset, or sensitive about a certain topic, it may be easy to become defensive when your partner brings this specific topic up (ie. division of chores, current finances, relationships with your in-laws, etc.). Our defensiveness usually manifests itself by interrupting or responding to our partner before they have even had a chance to finish sharing their thoughts. With that said, it is important to understand why your partner is bringing up this topic in the first place. Listening to understand is a skill that can take some time to learn, but can drastically improve the dynamic in your conversations with your partner and with others. When you are able to listen to your partner’s complete thought or story before jumping in with a response, you are able to better understand where they are coming from, and can then respond to your partner’s concern without becoming defensive. 

Be fully present in the conversation

Some people prefer to avoid or not engage in confrontation. While we understand that engaging in a difficult conversation is not everyone’s cup of tea, it is important that you remain fully present in conversations that you have with your partner. This means getting rid of any distractions or things that can withdraw from your attention, such as cell phones or other electronic devices. Being able to fully engage in conversations with your partner, no matter how difficult, can show your partner that you care about what they have to say and will help lessen the amount of information you would have missed due to not giving your partner your full attention. 

Avoid judging or insulting your partner.

Conflict can bring out the worst in us. When communicating with your partner during conflict, it is important to keep your composure and avoid judging or insulting your partner. A constructive conversation can quickly go south when someone decides to accuse, assume, belittle, or insult the other person. In order to increase your chances at having a constructive conversation and positive resolution, it is important that we try our hardest to avoid these “low blows.” 

We understand that implementing these strategies and suggestions to improve your communication with your partner may be easier said than done. You may also feel that no matter how hard you and your partner have tried to talk recently, you’ve hit a roadblock in your relationship and need help getting past it. Our therapists at Life By Design offer couples counseling that aims to help partners work through challenges and breaks in communication. Schedule a phone consultation today to help you and your partner get back on track with your communication and overall relationship. 

How to Navigate Difficult Conversations with Family Over the Holidays

by Melody Wright, LMFT

For many of us, these next few weeks will be filled with plans to see loved ones or get together with old friends. Depending on limitations that the pandemic has placed in your area, this may be the first time you will be reconnecting with friends and family in a long time. Whether you’re planning to see family in-person or virtually, we want to make sure you feel prepared to interact with people that you may not have seen in a while. 

Seeing family over the holidays sometimes means having to have difficult or uncomfortable conversations, especially after not interacting for months. In an effort to quickly catch up with you, they may start asking questions in true rapid fire fashion; “How have you been?” “How is work going?” or “How is life treating you?” as soon as you walk through the door. While these questions may sound harmless to others, they may bring up certain subjects that you may not be comfortable talking about. A recent change in your relationship status or changes in your physical appearance may prompt additional questions that you may not be ready to answer, and it’s important to recognize which topics may trigger discomfort or other unpleasant feelings for you. 

If you find yourself needing to navigate a difficult conversation with a family member over the holidays, review the strategies below and see which one you are comfortable using:

• Make sure you feel nourished and balanced before a difficult conversation. The act of nourishing yourself can be physical or emotional. Whether it’s making sure that you’ve had your breakfast and coffee, or completing a 5-minute mindfulness exercise before heading over to your loved ones, nourishing yourself can help you respond better to uncomfortable questions. 

• Approach conversations with empathy. Most of the time people mean well when they are asking how you are or want to know about a recent change in your life. When we recognize that others are coming from a place of good and assume positive intent, we are able to respond from a place of empathy rather than defensiveness. 

• Redirect as needed. Some conversations can be emotionally-charged as soon as they begin. If you feel yourself getting worked up or having a clear stress response in your body during a conversation, find an “out” that you are comfortable with. This can be something as simple as excusing yourself to the bathroom to collect your thoughts. Giving yourself a 5-minute pause can give you the break that you need to make a decision about how you want to respond to a conversation. 

• State your boundaries. If you are with a person that you feel you can express your boundaries to, more power to you! It is great to have some phrases ready to help you set these boundaries. This can include phrases such as “I’m not comfortable talking about that, how did you like the apple pie mom made?” or “That’s not something I’m ready to share yet, let me help you carry those plates to the kitchen.” These can help you express your boundary and give you an opportunity to continue with a conversation that you are comfortable having. 

Remember that you are under no obligation to have conversations that make you uncomfortable simply to please others. We hope you are looking forward to all of the people you plan to see this holiday season, and that the tips above will help you navigate any difficult conversation that comes your way. If you haven’t already, check-out last year’s blog about coping with family gatherings for more tips and information on how to respond to difficult family members. 

Although we always hope for the best, sometimes these conversations do not always end well regardless of how hard we try to keep them on a positive note. Having to constantly feel uncomfortable in the presence of others may make us reevaluate our relationships with our loved ones. If you’ve decided to end or slowly fade away from a relationship with a loved one and are needing to process that loss, allow us at Life by Design to help. Look out for our upcoming workshops on Loss for more information.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC), An Introduction

By Ashley Gregory, LMFT

Personal Beginnings

My initial reaction to learning Nonviolent Communication (NVC) was piercing skepticism. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg was required reading for a service learning internship during my early college years. It took considerable effort to overcome my resistance to opening the blue book with an image of the Earth surrounded by the petals of a yellow daisy on the cover. I finally cracked the book open as I considered how important it was for me to keep up with my job expectations. One of the first lines from the book that I noticed was: “Through its emphasis on deep listening--to ourselves as well as others--NVC fosters respect, attentiveness, and empathy, and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart” (p.4). As NVC began to resonate with me, I also soon discovered that putting it into practice was considerably more challenging than reading about it. About 17 years later, the copy I still reference is the very same marked up 2nd edition, littered with bright blue highlighter throughout. 

For one of my first jobs after graduating college, I piloted a conflict mediation program for middle schoolers drawing upon the principles of NVC. Floating above our heads in my classroom at the time were bright blue and white clouds I made from cardboard and attached to the ceiling. Upon each cloud I wrote a basic human need--part of the foundation of NVC--in English on one side and Spanish on the other. A dedicated group of sixth, seventh and eighth graders meet weekly to learn and practice the concepts and principles of NVC. Over time, these young people found ways to make sense of NVC in their own ways and worked to create a school with more connection and empathy. I look back very fondly on these memories. Sadly, the program survived less than two school years due to budget cuts. Still, I believe the experience offered our school an opportunity to grow. 

The NVC Model

NVC is a heart-centered practice. It is a way to connect with and deeply understand one’s self and one another. Marshall Rosenberg describes the four components of the NVC model with an acronym, “OFNR,” pronounced “off-ner.” It stands for Observation, Feeling, Needs and Request. The place I usually begin with is the concept of Needs. 

In NVC, every human being has Needs. 

The major categories of Needs, as well as a few examples within each category, are as follows: 

Autonomy (choice) 
Physical Nurturance (including air, food, movement, water, sexual expression and touch to name a few)
Celebration (of life and loss) 
Integrity (meaning, self-worth) 
Play (fun, laughter) 
Spiritual Communion (order, peace, beauty)
Interdependence (community, acceptance, empathy). 

One of the fundamental concepts in NVC is that our feelings are related to whether our needs are or are not met. Slowing down enough to consider your own Needs, or to empathize with the possible Needs of another, is essential. 

Feelings are trailheads to needs. 

One practice I have implemented for myself, as well as within my psychotherapy practice, is to simply read the lists of feelings words within my NVC book. Feelings are like colors, the more variety to choose from the better. NVC emphasises feelings when our needs are met and feelings when our needs are not met. For example, feelings when our needs are met may include interested, grateful, playful, peaceful, affectionate and hopeful. When our needs are not met, we may feel agitated, confused, disconnected, sad, scared, vulnerable. Notice how feelings are not categorized as “good” or “bad,” “positive or negative.” Feelings just are. For examples, someone may feel “perplexed” when their need for meaning is not met, or “refreshed” when their need for peace is met. 

Observations, not evaluations

Observations are very specific details about behaviors. “The trick,” Rosenberg states, “is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation” (6). In practicing observations, I try to pretend my perspective is a camera lens, perceiving information available to an inanimate object. In other words, “Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons, and diagnoses are all forms of judgement” (15). For example, saying “you are a procrastinator” is a judgemental label, whereas saying “you arrived past our agreed upon time the last five times out of six” is an observation. 

Requests are about connecting: Win-Win situations

Finally, Requests are open-ended questions with a concrete goal. An example of an NVC process goes as follows: “When you enter my room without asking me first, I feel alarmed because I need safety. Would you be willing to knock before entering my room?” When making requests, it is very important to consider that your request may be denied, in other words, someone may say “no.” In this case, you begin again with the NVC process, starting with Observations, followed by Feelings, Needs and another Request, until a mutual agreement is achieved.

Looking Ahead

For me, practicing and embodying NVC is a life-long process. It is a tool, a way of relating to myself and others as well as an outlook on humans’ ability to share our experiences deeply to create a more harmonious world. Working with an NVC-inspired therapist may offer you a felt sense of how to connect with your own needs and empathize with the needs of others. I practice NVC with individuals and those in relationships with one another to nourish compassionate well-being. 

**BayNVC.org is where I found an NVC practice “home,” somewhere to refer to for insight and consistency. I find BayNVC’s commitment to transparency around power and privilege particularly inspiring.