Mindful Limits: The Connection Between Boundaries and Self-Compassion

By Melody Wright, LMFT

In the hustle culture of life, where demands seem endless and the pace is relentless, the concept of boundaries is becoming more and more prevalent. When many of us hear the word boundaries we probably consider them as a strategy for creating physical space, yet they go beyond just that. Have you ever considered that boundaries are a way to show yourself compassion or that utilizing boundaries is a form of self-care? 

Not only do boundaries have the ability to create physical space, but they also create mental and emotional space as well. Boundaries can also be utilized when cultivating a secure relationship with yourself. In this blog, we will explore the ways to mindfully incorporate boundaries into every aspect of your life. 

Understanding Boundaries Through a Mindful Lens

Cultivating mindfulness establishes an awareness that will support you in every aspect of your life. Mindfulness is the practice of being fully present and aware of the current moment. We call it a practice because, with every new adventure or obstacle in life, you will find that in new seasons you might need to shift the way you approach things. When living mindfully you will find that creating limits, such as boundaries, involves a conscious and deliberate approach. And to be honest, it’s not always easy. You will begin to learn your limits, where to place the boundaries, or where to let things slide, however, It’s all about finding balance within yourself. 

SELF-DISCOVERY Through Mindful Boundaries

Mindfulness encourages self-awareness, which enables you to recognize your needs, desires, and limits. When you take the time to reflect on personal values, preferences, and places of comfort, you’re able to start creating boundaries that reflect your authentic self. This process of self-discovery is actually an act of self-compassion. By acknowledging your unique qualities you start to value them enough to protect and nurture them which in turn is acknowledging how valuable you are. 

Compassion in Saying “NO”

Setting boundaries often involves saying 'no' to certain demands, commitments, or situations, which can be challenging for many people. When you evaluate the situation and determine that it doesn’t align with your needs or find that you don’t have the mental, emotional, or physical capacity to fulfill the demand, this 'no' becomes an act of self-compassion rather than a rejection. By mindfully saying 'no', you communicate that your well-being is a priority, cultivating a sense of self-respect and self-love.

Balancing Empathy and Boundaries

Empathy is a cornerstone of compassion, both towards others and oneself. Cultivating mindful boundaries creates a balance between empathy and self-preservation, showing that you can be compassionate without sacrificing your personal well-being. For those naturally inclined towards empathy, tend to absorb the emotions and needs of others to the detriment of one's own mental and emotional health. Cultivating these mindful boundaries allows you to empathize with others without becoming overwhelmed. Creating this awareness allows you to know when to engage and when to create a gentle barrier to safeguard your emotional equilibrium.

Self-Compassion in Conflict

When on your on your self-discovery journey you might find that boundaries often come into play during conflicts or challenging conversations. Navigating these situations mindfully involves approaching conflicts with compassion. Instead of viewing boundaries as walls, consider them as bridges that enable open communication while still preserving personal well-being. When you practice mindfulness in conflict, you can foster understanding and compassion for yourself and the other person or persons involved. 

Recognizing Burnout Signals

As you journey through the practice of mindfulness, you’ll begin to become more attuned to the present moment and move through it without judgment or distraction. When this happens you’ll become more aware of the things that trigger any overwhelm or burnout in its early stages. This will allow you to become more proactive in placing those boundaries to prevent the stress from taking over and allow you the opportunity for rest and rejuvenation. 

Practical Tips for Mindful Boundary Setting

1. Self-Reflection: Regularly check in with yourself to assess your emotional and mental state. What are your current needs and limits?

2. Communicate with Clarity: When setting boundaries, communicate with clarity and honesty. Articulate your needs and limits in a way that cultivates understanding. However, we want you to know that it’s ok if others don’t understand. What matters is that you and your well-being feel secure. 

3. Practice Saying 'No': Saying 'No' is an essential aspect of setting boundaries. Although this can be challenging for many people practice doing so with kindness and assertiveness.

4. Reevaluate and Adjust: Life is dynamic, and so are your boundaries. It’s okay to check in with yourself, reassess your limits, and adjust them as needed. 

Final Thoughts

Through the practice of mindfulness, you can discover, communicate, and uphold boundaries that not only protect your well-being but also nurture a compassionate relationship with yourself and others. By recognizing the interplay between empathy, present-moment awareness, and the setting of boundaries, you can create a more balanced and fulfilling life. 

We understand that communication, self-discovery, and establishing boundaries can be complex and even challenging. If you are finding that you need support in these areas, consider working with a therapist. Life By Design Therapy has a team of therapists who are committed to seeing you heal, grow, and thrive in life. If you are interested in working with one of our therapists, CLICK HERE to schedule a free consultation today!

Affirmations for Creating Mindful Boundaries 

1. My boundaries are a reflection of my self-respect and commitment to well-being.

2. I trust my instincts to guide me in establishing healthy and mindful limits.

3. I am worthy of the peace and harmony that mindful boundaries bring to my life.

4. My boundaries are flexible and adaptive, allowing me to grow while maintaining balance.

5. I release guilt when saying 'no,' knowing that it is an expression of self-love.

Additional Resources 

1. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend 

2. The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" by Brené Brown 

3. "Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day" by Anne Katherine

4. The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions" by Christopher K. Germer

5. "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents" by Allison Bottke 

6. "Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time" by Melody Beattie 

7. "Setting Boundaries with Difficult People: Six Steps to Sanity for Challenging Relationships" by David J. Lieberman

8. "The Art of Extreme Self-Care: Transform Your Life One Month at a Time" by Cheryl Richardson

9. "Setting Boundaries Will Set You Free: The Ultimate Guide to Telling the Truth, Creating Connection, and Finding Freedom" by Nancy Levin

10. "The Power of No: Because One Little Word Can Bring Health, Abundance, and Happiness" by James Altucher and Claudia Azula Altucher
    

Diamond in the Rough: How to Reveal the Hidden Gems in Saying “No”

by Ashley Gregory, LMFT

  Saying “No” Can Be Illuminating

 A few years ago, a friend of my partner and I asked about staying at our place during a road trip up the California Coast. She and a friend of hers were going to be passing by the Bay Area on a weeknight. While we were thrilled to hear from her, my partner and I both had to work that week and had no chance to take time off. We considered our needs and her request carefully. We absolutely wanted to reminisce about our college days and laugh until our faces hurt. We also knew that having our friend and her companion stay over would lead to staying up too late and feeling drained the next day. Ultimately, after a thoughtful assessment of what we had going on in our life, we decided we weren’t going to be able to host a sleepover. 

 We relayed this boundary to our friend, letting her know we would love to have her over on a weekend. Our friend took this boundary personally, suggesting that we had made this decision for other reasons. Sadly, she also declined to talk things through with my partner, who had been friends with her for much longer. We felt surprised and disheartened by her response. We wanted to authentically offer our space, time and attention when we were able to give it freely rather than allow resentment and dishonesty to damage our relationship by saying “yes.”  While it was an uncomfortable experience, we also came to grips with the lack of trust in the friendship. 

 Ideally, we would have liked to connect empathetically with our friend, listening to how she experienced the boundary we set as well as being offered the opportunity to share where we were coming from at the time. This experience exposed the relationship cracks and fissures that were already there. While we’re still open to mending the rift between us, we also accept that we may never get that chance.
 

Heteropatriarchy and the “Caregiver” Role

 So much of the time, many of us believe we have to offer care or resources to someone who is asking, sometimes simply because they are asking. We feel pressured to acquiesce to requests even though there is a very vocal part of us who knows we don’t have the energy or capacity. In particular, people socialized as women or feminine have been told that their success in caregiving roles equates to their worth as a person. When the expectations of this role conflicts with one’s personal needs, the resulting shame and guilt can be debilitating. This identity as “caregiver” comes with unspoken expectations and extends into all areas of life--work, friendships, family dynamics. These expectations may look like:

•  doing tasks outside of your job description that others are fully capable of doing themselves, 

• being available by phone all of the time, 

• assumption that you are always emotionally available, or

• coordinating all of the family gathering
  

Heteropatriarchy rests on the gender binary system--an insistence that there are only two options for humans: man and woman. Furthermore, “man” must assert his power over “woman” in all arenas of society (family, work, government, etc.), lest a complete breakdown of the world as we know it occurs. Powerful men can’t be caring or show emotion because that would be weak. Heteropatriarchal gender norms dictate that being a “good woman” means self-sacrifice and being a “good man” means dehumanization. This setup is just that: a setup for human beings to feel unhappy, unfulfilled and isolated. Being honest with yourself about what you want and how you feel honors your true self and is a courageous holistic practice. 

Saying “No” Can Be a Gift 

Saying “no” can be an opportunity for your coworker, friend or loved one to seek out more support in places they didn’t previously know existed. They may learn a new skill they didn’t know before because you (or someone else) had been doing it for them. 

Saying “no” can free up opportunities for you to also get creative. Knowing your “no” means letting go of all of the “what-ifs” and “shoulds” that makes decision-making hazy. That’s when we feel stuck and helpless. Getting in touch with where you stand means feeling grounded and centered in your truth.

I invite you to explore how you know your “no.” Is it a thought? A memory or image? A sensation? An emotion? What needs might you be meeting by honoring your “no”? Spend some time with your “no” and get curious about it. What can you learn from your “no” right now?

Empaths, Here's How To Stop Absorbing Other People's Emotions

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Do you take on the emotions of others? When we have poor emotional boundaries, we may find ourselves feeling angry when others are angry or sad when others are sad. Or, alternatively, we may find that we are unable to feel happy when people we care about are not.

Absorbing the emotions of others can be both a strength and a weakness. It can be a sign that you are an empath, gifted with the extraordinary ability to empathize with nearly anyone -- but it can also become exhausting and frustrating to constantly feel what others are feeling.

Learning to empathize with others is a skill -- as is learning how to set emotional boundaries so that you are not constantly drained by taking on the emotions of others. Like any skill, setting emotional boundaries can be strengthened with practice. Here's how.

How To Spot An Empath

Sometimes, we may be aware that we are taking on the emotions of others. Other times, however, we might be having an intense or distressing emotional experience but be unaware of why we are feeling that way. 

So, how do you know that you are an empath, or a person with a natural tendency to empathize with others (and take on others' emotions)? Everybody is, of course, different, but here are some characteristics shared by many, if not all, empaths:

• Closeness and intimacy can become overwhelming.

• You need rest after spending lots of time with others.

• You have a strong sense of intuition.

• You strongly dislike crowded places.

• You are easily overstimulated in public.

• You feel emotionally involved in other people's problems.

• You have a hard time emotionally detaching yourself.

• You are extremely sensitive to sounds, smells, or sensations.

These traits may be signs that you are an empath, or simply that you have a tendency to absorb other people's emotions. Many of these characteristics involve overwhelm because taking on others' emotions, in addition to our own, can get to be too much. 

In fact, that may be one of the primary reasons why you are seeking advice on no longer taking on others' emotions: whether you realize it or not, you might be feeling overwhelmed and looking for relief from those emotions.

Stop Taking On Others' Emotions

Empaths frequently take on the emotions of others. To them, this is second nature, but can result in overwhelm and fatigue. If you do not know that you are taking on other people's emotions, you may not even realize this is why you are feeling that way. That's why the first step toward no longer taking on other people's emotions is to recognize the signs of being an empath.

As we mentioned previously, being an empath can be a powerful strength -- but it can also be incredibly overwhelming and draining. Setting emotional boundaries can help you to stop taking on other people's emotions to such an extent that it becomes exhausting and interferes with your sense of well-being.

Boundaries are firm lines that we draw to prevent others from making us feel emotionally drained or uncomfortable. For an empath, setting boundaries may not be second-nature and may even feel weird or wrong. After all, empaths want to be there for others in whatever way that they can. However, if you do not set emotional boundaries, you will become so drained that you are no longer able to support others the way that you instinctively want to.

The first step toward setting boundaries is to clearly define what your boundaries are. It can be difficult to do this as an empath because you may feel guilty for setting boundaries. Even so, it's important that you don't let guilt get in the way of doing what you need to do to feel your best. While this is easier said than done, you need to be honest with yourself about what boundaries would help you avoid letting others take advantage of your caring nature.

The second step is to clearly communicate your boundaries with others. Once you have identified what will help you detach from the emotions of others -- such as limiting the amount of time you spend listening to other people's problems (i.e. no longer spending hours on the phone with close friends whenever they need you) or saying "no" to helping out so that you do not overextend yourself -- make sure to sit down and have a conversation with whomever your boundary applies to.

When communicating your boundaries, ensure you have the conversation when you and your conversational partner are both calm, not feeling stressed or overwhelmed. Then, firmly but politely state what your boundaries are. While you are not obligated to give a reason for your boundaries, if you feel comfortable doing so, it might help back up your statement, especially if you are talking to someone whom you trust not to react to it poorly.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by being an empath, therapeutic techniques such as grounding and mindfulness can also help you learn to create a healthy distance between your emotions and the emotions of others. Contact Life by Design Therapy today to learn more about how we can help you set stronger emotional boundaries.

In Pursuit of Clarity About Boundaries and Power

by Ashley Gregory, LMFT

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” --Prentis Hemphill

Boundary Beginnings

For me, the term “boundaries” did not become a part of my regular vocabulary until graduate school. This may be partially explained by the fact that I cannot recall having explicit conversations about the meaning of personal boundaries as a child. What I do remember are the places I was told I was not allowed to go, like beyond the borders of the complex where my cousins and I lived. On at least one occasion, as children do, I tested those limitations. The consequence for which left a red handprint on my backside.  

Boundaries maintain one’s sense of safety and autonomy. As such, experiences of abuse and trauma are boundary violations which often dramatically shifts one’s perception of their external and internal boundary systems. 

The Two Parts of External Boundaries

As children we learn about boundaries from our caregivers, from those around us and from our cultural context. While we may not be talked to outright about how boundaries exist in our world, we are immersed in lessons about them. Pia Mellody, author of Facing Codependency, identifies two boundary systems: external and internal. Body boundaries are an example of our external boundary system. These boundaries are our personal space bubbles and are composed of two parts--physical and sexual. External boundaries protect you and those around you, both giving you a sense of when you begin and end as well as an ability to consider the safety and needs of others (Mellody, 11). Someone with intact physical boundaries is able to understand another person’s need for space or their preferences around touch. They would also be able to communicate their own needs to others. Similarly, an example of intact sexual boundaries is an awareness of what you are and are not comfortable doing sexually as well as being able to share your needs and preferences regarding sexual contact with others. 

What are Internal Boundaries? 

The other kind of boundary system identified by Mellody are internal boundaries. Having intact internal boundaries means that “we can take responsibility for our thinking, feelings, and behavior and keep them separate from others, and stop blaming them for what we think, feel and do (Mellody, 12).” On the other hand, when internal boundaries are impaired, one person may blame another for their feelings, thoughts or behaviors, leading to shame, manipulation or even serious harm. Mellody goes on to explain that internal boundaries may be mostly intact, however, in certain situations may be damaged. Someone may, for example, be able to convey their need for choice with their partner but have trouble doing so with their caregivers. Acknowledging and honoring our internal boundaries is a commitment and on-going process. 

Power and Boundaries 

Crossing the internal boundaries of others is a deeply entrenched practice in our world which takes many forms within relationships and societal systems (think schools, workplaces, legal, etc). For example, heinous acts of violence have been justified using the LGBTQ+ “panic” defense.* This legal strategy claims that a person’s sexual identity or gender identity/expression caused another person so much distress that a reasonable response was to seriously injure or kill them. Clearly, boundaries are inextricably linked to legacies of deep power imbalances. 

Adultism* is another example of normalized boundary violations. Children and youth are systematically discriminated against because of their age. Young people are afforded less respect and consideration than people who are considered adults. Seemingly innocuous transgressions act to re-create harmful behaviors and beliefs about personal boundaries. Adults invading a young person’s space without permission, dismissing their needs or being subject to punishment without cause. Importantly, adultism intersects with racism, sexism, classism, ableism, heterosexism and cisgenderism.* In other words, a transgender young person of color faces different and compounding harms than a white cisgender youth. 

Boundary Work in Therapy

Embodying our own boundaries lends to respecting the boundaries of others. Therapy may be a place for you to work through, and find ways to let go of, regretful moments or unhelpful patterns involving the boundaries of others. This is imperative work for all of us and of particular urgency for many. Building a trusting relationship with a therapist can offer profound experiences in getting a deeper sense of your internal and external boundary systems. 

*For more information on the LGBTQ+ “panic” defense, see https://lgbtbar.org/programs/advocacy/gay-trans-panic-defense/

*For more information about adultism: https://www.youthrights.org/blog/understanding-adultism/

*Cisgenderism: “Cisgenderism refers to the cultural and systemic ideology that denies, denigrates, or pathologizes  self-identified gender identities that do not align with assigned gender at birth as well as resulting behavior, expression, and community. This ideology endorses and perpetuates the belief that cisgender identities and expression are to be valued more than transgender identities and expression and creates an inherent system of associated power and privilege. The presence of cisgenderism exists in many cultural institutions, including language and the law, and consequently enables prejudice and discrimination against the transgender community.”

(https://read.dukeupress.edu/tsq/article/1/1-2/63/92024/Cisgenderism)