How to Recognize and Process Emotions When You Were Never Taught How

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Have you ever felt like your emotions were speaking a language you couldn’t understand? 

Or maybe you’ve spent years brushing feelings aside, unsure of how to face them. 

If this resonates, you’re not alone…and guess what it’s not your fault! 

For many people, myself included, understanding and processing emotions isn’t something we were taught while growing up. 

But here’s the truth, it’s never too late to learn. 

By learning to tune in to your internal conversation, and stay curious about what you’re feeling (without judging it) you’ll find that your emotions are there to guide you and heal you.

So if you’ve never been taught how to recognize and process emotions, this blog is for you. 

In this blog, we are going to talk about ways to help you decode your emotions and equip you with the tools to navigate them with compassion and clarity.

But first….

What Are Emotions For?

Emotions are a natural and essential part of being human. 

They’re your body signaling what’s happening inside you and around you. 

Far from being a weakness or inconvenience, emotions are like an internal compass, guiding you toward what’s important and helping you make sense of what you’re experiencing in the world around you.

At their core, emotions are messages from your brain and body, designed to help you survive and thrive. 

For example:

• Fear alerts you to danger, encouraging you to protect yourself.

• Anger signals that something important to you has been threatened, like your boundaries or values.

• Sadness often arises from loss or unmet needs, inviting you to slow down and reflect.

• Joy reminds you of what brings you happiness and fulfillment, encouraging connection and celebration.

Why Do We Have Emotions?

Emotions play a crucial role in our lives, but understanding them can feel confusing or overwhelming, especially if you’ve been taught to dismiss them. 

The truth is, emotions are complex and multifaceted, serving different purposes depending on how we view them. 

When you look at emotions from different perspectives, you can better understand why they’re so important and how they work to support you. 

Here are a few examples: 

1. Emotions as Survival Tools:
   Emotions help us respond quickly to threats or opportunities. Fear can trigger your fight-or-flight response, keeping you safe in dangerous situations. On the other hand, joy strengthens bonds within our relations, which is beneficial for our social and emotional well-being.

2. Emotions as Communication:
   Emotions also serve as a universal language, helping us connect with others. Think about a baby crying, without words, their sadness or discomfort communicates a need. Similarly, when you’re upset, your emotions can signal that you’re needing support

3. Emotions as Guides to Values:
   As a therapist, I often tell my clients that emotions can point you toward what matters. For example, feeling guilt might show you that your actions don’t align with your values, while pride reminds you of your accomplishments.

4. Emotions as Energy in Motion:
   Some approaches, like somatic therapy, see emotions as "energy in motion." This means emotions need to flow through you rather than be suppressed. Bottling up emotions often leads to tension, burnout, or even physical symptoms.

How to View Emotions Differently

For those of us who have been taught to suppress or ignore our emotions, or encountered emotional neglect, we tend to have a hard time connecting with our internal conversations and body sensations. 

Because of this, it can leave us unsure of how to navigate what we’re experiencing on an emotional, mental, and even physical level.  

If you desire to understand yourself more, explore deeper authenticity or begin a healing journey, the first step is shifting the perspective of “my emotions aren’t important”. 

But how do you do that?? 

I’m glad you asked! 

Here are a few ways to reframe your perspective of the emotions when they come up:

• Curiosity Over Judgment: Instead of thinking, “Why am I feeling this way?” try asking, “What is this feeling trying to tell me?”

• Messages, Not Problems: Emotions aren’t something to “fix.” They’re signals that something needs attention.

• Your Body’s Language: Emotions show up physically, too, including tight shoulders with stress, and a racing heart with excitement. Paying attention to these sensations can help you decide what you’re feeling.

You can also ground yourself with affirmations to create space for your emotions when you aren’t sure what to make of them as they come up. Here are a few:

• “It’s okay to feel this way.”

• “My emotions are valid and meaningful.”

• “This feeling will pass.”

As you begin shifting perspectives, you’ll start to rewire your brain to feelings of safety around your emotions. 

**If you would like to learn more about how emotional neglect can affect you check out my blog - How Growing Up with Emotionally Unavailable Parents Still Affects You And How to Heal

Do You Suppress Your Emotions?

Have you ever felt like you don’t really know what you’re feeling? 

Or maybe you find yourself going through life on autopilot, disconnected from your emotions and your body. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. 

It might be a sign that you’ve been suppressing your emotions.

For many, this pattern starts early. 

If you grew up in an environment where emotions weren’t acknowledged, validated, or understood, you may have learned to push them down just to get by. 

Suppressed emotions don’t just disappear, though. They tend to sneak out in other ways, such as:

• Struggling to name what you’re feeling. You might catch yourself saying, “I don’t know how I feel,” or defaulting to vague words like “fine” or “okay.”

• Feeling emotionally numb. Instead of experiencing the full range of emotions, you might feel disconnected, as though nothing really touches you deeply.

• Overreacting to small triggers. Ever find yourself snapping at someone over something minor or feeling overwhelmed by what seems like a small setback? Suppressed emotions can build up until they explode in unexpected ways.

• Physical symptoms with no clear cause. Unexplained headaches, muscle tension, or even stomach issues might be your body’s way of holding onto emotions you’ve buried.

Sound familiar? If so, it’s okay! 

These are common signs that your emotions have been ignored or suppressed for too long. 

But the good news is that recognizing these patterns is the first and most important step toward change. 

You’re not alone in this, and it’s never too late to learn how to reconnect with your emotions and let them guide you in healthy, meaningful ways.

How to Begin Tuning Into Your Emotions

As your perspectives shift around emotions from unsafe to a sense of safety, you may notice that you begin to develop something called emotional awareness. 

Now I want you to understand that developing emotional awareness takes time and practice, so remember to give yourself compassion as you learn. 

Here are some starting points you can use to begin tuning into your emotions:

• Check in with your body. Your body can hold clues about your emotional state. Tightness in your chest might indicate anxiety, a sense of heaviness could signal sadness, or a fluttering stomach might point to excitement or nervousness. Each day take a moment to scan your body from head to toe, noticing areas of tension, discomfort, or ease.

• Use tools like an emotion wheel. Expanding your emotional vocabulary beyond basic labels like “happy” or “sad” can help you identify more in-depth feelings, like “overwhelmed,” “content,” or “lonely.” This deeper understanding can also help you articulate your emotions more clearly when talking to others or journaling. You might find it helpful to keep an emotion wheel handy as a visual guide.

• Ask yourself simple questions. Pause during your day and ask, “What am I feeling right now?” or “What might have triggered this feeling?” These questions create space for self-awareness. If it feels difficult to pinpoint your emotions, ask yourself, “Where in my body do I feel this?” or “What does this feeling remind me of?”

Building emotional awareness doesn’t happen overnight, but even small steps, like pausing to check in with yourself, can create a powerful shift.

What Are Healthy Outlets for Emotional Processing?

Now that you’ve learned how to identify your emotions, the next step is figuring out how to process them. 

Processing emotions isn’t just about “feeling better”, it’s about giving your emotions the space they need to move through you, so they don’t stay stuck or come out in unhelpful ways. 

If you’ve been suppressing emotions for a long time, this can feel overwhelming or unfamiliar at first, but it’s entirely possible with practice.

Here are some strategies to help you work through your feelings in healthy, constructive ways:

• Write it out: Journaling can be a game-changer when it comes to processing emotions. Grab a notebook and let your thoughts flow without judgment. Don’t worry about structure, just write whatever comes to mind. Sometimes, seeing your emotions on paper can bring clarity and relief.

• Talk it out: Sharing your feelings with someone you trust can be incredibly freeing. Whether it’s a close friend, a family member, or a therapist, talking about what you’re feeling helps validate your experience and reminds you that you don’t have to face it alone.

• Move your body: Physical activity is one of the most underrated tools for emotional processing. Stretching, walking, dancing, or even shaking out your arms can release pent-up tension and help your emotions flow. Think of it as giving your feelings a way to exit your body.

• Get creative: Art, music, and other creative outlets are powerful ways to express emotions that words can’t capture. Whether you’re painting, writing a song, or even doodling, creativity can help you process what you’re feeling in a way that feels safe and freeing.

Why Is It Important to Reach Out for Support?

Sometimes emotions can feel overwhelming or impossible to handle on your own, and that’s completely okay. 

This is where therapy can make a difference. 

Working with a therapist is more than just “talking it out”; it’s a chance to develop the skills and self-awareness to truly connect with your emotions instead of pushing them away.

Therapy provides a safe and supportive space to explore feelings you might have ignored or suppressed. A therapist can help you:

• Identify patterns. They can guide you in uncovering habits or beliefs that may be keeping you disconnected from your emotions.

• Learn to name your emotions. Many people struggle to pinpoint exactly what they’re feeling, and therapy helps you build the emotional vocabulary to understand and express yourself.

• Tune into your body. Emotions often show up physically, and therapists trained in somatic techniques can help you notice and release these sensations in healthier ways.

• Develop coping tools. You’ll learn strategies to process and manage emotions without bottling them up or letting them take over.

Imagine what it would feel like to approach your emotions with curiosity instead of fear. Therapy can empower you to listen to what your emotions are telling you, and give you the confidence to navigate life with more clarity, self-compassion, and strength.

Reaching out for support is a powerful act of self-care. 

Our therapists here at Life By Design Therapy™ are experts at supporting emotional processing. 

Don’t wait to give yourself the tools and support you deserve, consider reaching out to us today. 

Click the button below to take the first step!

Final Thoughts

Maybe no one ever showed you how to understand or process your emotions. 

If that’s true, it’s not a reflection of your worth, it’s a reflection of what you weren’t given. 

But the good news is it’s never too late to learn.

Learning to connect with your emotions is a journey, and like any journey, there will be moments of progress and moments that challenge you. 

What matters most is showing up for yourself with kindness and patience, even on the hard days.

Each time you pause to name what you’re feeling or to sit with an emotion instead of pushing it away, you’re building a deeper relationship with yourself. 

Over time, this work will ripple outward, enriching your relationships, strengthening your sense of self, and creating a life that feels more aligned and meaningful.

Remember, you don’t have to do this alone. At Life By Design Therapy™, we specialize in holistic and somatic-based practices to help you go beyond traditional talk therapy and truly connect with yourself. 

If you’re ready to take that first step, schedule a quick phone consultation with our Coordinator [HERE]. We’re here to walk this journey with you.

This Weeks Affirmations

1. I am capable of learning to understand and process my feelings.

2. I am worthy of compassion and patience as I explore my emotional landscape.

3. Every emotion I feel is a message guiding me toward growth and healing.

4. I give myself permission to feel, express, and release my emotions in healthy ways.

5. I honor my emotions by giving them the attention and care they deserve.

Additional Resources

**If you’re interested in learning more about emotional neglect check out these books below:

1. Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship by Stan Tatkin

2. What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing by Dr. Bruce D. Perry and Oprah Winfrey

3. Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Dr. Kristin Neff

4. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson

5. The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self by Alice Miller

6. The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown

7. The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome by Harriet B. Braiker

8. It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle by Mark Wolynn

9. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson

10. Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.

10 Signs You Grew Up with Emotionally Unavailable Parents & How to Start Healing

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Have you ever felt like you’re carrying invisible baggage from your childhood like patterns, feelings, or struggles you can’t quite explain?

Maybe you’ve even caught yourself wondering, 

Why do I struggle to feel seen or heard in my relationships? 

Or 

Why do I struggle to ask for help or trust others? 

If these thoughts resonate, you’re not alone.

The effects of growing up with an emotionally unavailable parent often show up in subtle, and persistent ways, kind of like a shadow following you through life. 

Over time, this emotional void can shape your sense of self and the way you navigate relationships, often in ways that you may not fully realize until adulthood. 

These traits don’t mean there’s something wrong with you; rather, they’re a testament to your resilience and your ability to adapt to a challenging environment.

This blog isn’t about blame, it’s about understanding. 

By exploring these common traits, my hope is that you’ll feel a sense of validation and connection. 

You are not alone in your experiences, and by recognizing these patterns, you can take meaningful steps toward healing, self-acceptance, and healthier relationships.

Let’s dive into the ten traits that might feel all too familiar and explore how they came to be.

10 Signs You Grew Up With Emotional Unavailable Parents

You Struggle to Express Your Emotions

If sharing your feelings feels unnatural or even scary, it’s not because something is wrong with you. 

If you grew up in an environment where emotions were dismissed or ignored, you likely learned to suppress them for survival.

Because of this, you may have disconnected from your emotions entirely to protect yourself from hurt.

How to Begin Healing and Growing:

• Give yourself permission to feel. You can start by simply acknowledging your emotions without judgment.

• Try journaling or using an emotions chart to reconnect with your inner world.

• Share small pieces of your feelings with someone you trust, reminding yourself that it’s okay to start slow.

You Feel Like You Have to Do Everything Alone

If you identify as someone who is fiercely independent, there’s a chance your parents were unavailable to you or even made you feel like a burden. 

If this feels familiar, you may have learned early on that asking for help wasn’t an option.

While that independence is a testament to your strength, it may also leave you feeling isolated.

How to Begin Healing and Growing:

• Start small by asking for support in low-stakes situations, like help with a household task.

• Reflect on the people in your life who have shown they’re reliable and safe, and practice leaning on them gradually.

• Take time to remind yourself that allowing others to help isn’t a weakness, it’s an act of trust and connection.

You Try to Keep Everyone Else Happy

Do you find yourself bending over backward to make others happy, even at your own expense?

If this resonates, you might have grown up in an environment where love felt conditional.

Pleasing others might have been your way of avoiding conflict or earning approval.

How to Begin Healing and Growing:

• Pause before saying yes to anything and ask yourself, “Am I doing this because I want to, or because I feel like I have to?”

• Practice setting small boundaries, like turning down a request, and notice how it feels to honor your needs.

• Remind yourself that your worth is not tied to what you do for others.

You Struggle to Feel Good About Yourself

When emotional validation is lacking in childhood, kids often internalize it as a reflection of their worth. 

If you’ve ever felt like you’re not “enough,” not good enough, smart enough, or lovable enough, it’s okay. 

Many people share this experience. Please know that those feelings of unworthiness don’t define you.

How to Begin Healing and Growing:

• Challenge negative self-talk by practicing self-compassion. Speak to yourself like you would a close friend.

• Surround yourself with people who celebrate you for who you are, not just what you do.

• Practice affirmations that remind you: I am enough, just as I am.

• Utilize the R.A.I.N technique - read more about that HERE.

You Value Connection & Fear Losing It

Feeling like people might leave you can be overwhelming.

Growing up with emotional neglect may have created a deep fear that connection isn’t safe or lasting.

Did you know this fear isn’t a sign of weakness?

It’s actually your mind and body trying to protect you.

How to Begin Healing and Growing:

• Notice when fear of rejection arises and remind yourself that your past doesn’t dictate your present.

• Practice open communication with loved ones about your fears—it can help build trust and understanding.

• Consider working with a somatic therapist to explore where these fears come from and how to rewrite the narrative. 

You Find It Hard to Set Boundaries

Does saying “no” feel impossible or asserting your needs brings up feelings of guilt?

Many adults who grew up with emotionally unavailable parents learned to prioritize others’ needs while ignoring their own. 

But your needs matter, too.

How to Begin Healing and Growing:

• Start with small boundaries, like taking 10 minutes of alone time when you need it.

• Practice saying something like, “I can’t do that right now, but I appreciate you asking”, to build confidence.

• Remind yourself that boundaries don’t push people away, they strengthen relationships by cultivating mutual respect.

You’re Drawn to Emotionally Unavailable Partners

Do you find yourself in relationships where your needs aren’t met, yet you stay, hoping things will change? 

It’s not your fault.

We often unconsciously gravitate toward what feels familiar, even when it’s painful.

How to Begin Healing and Growing:

• Reflect on what feels familiar in your relationships and ask yourself if it serves you.

• Seek relationships that demonstrate consistency, empathy, and emotional availability.

• Start with you. Work on loving and validating yourself first, so you’re less likely to seek it from unavailable people.

You’re Consistently on Edge in Relationships

Do you constantly anticipate conflict or withdrawal, even when there’s no clear reason?

Growing up in an unpredictable environment can train your nervous system to stay on high alert. 

This hypervigilance may have been your way of staying safe as a child.

Remember to have compassion for yourself as you navigate regulating your nervous system.

How to Begin Healing and Growing:

• Practice grounding techniques, like deep breathing or mindfulness, to calm your nervous system.

• Remind yourself that not every change in mood signals danger, it’s okay to pause before reacting.

• Therapy like EMDR and Somatic can help you retrain your brain to feel safe in healthy, stable relationships.

You Find It Hard to Trust People

If trusting others feels impossible, it’s not because you’re “broken.”

When caregivers were unreliable or dismissive, you likely learned to rely on yourself.

Trusting others now can feel risky, but it’s a skill that can be developed.

How to Begin Healing and Growing:

• Start small by noticing who in your life has shown consistency and care.

• Practice sharing little pieces of yourself and see how others respond. It’s okay to go slow.

• Reflect on the fact that trust grows in increments, not all at once, and that’s okay.

You Feel Like You Have to Be Perfect

If you’ve spent your life striving for perfection, it might be because you felt like nothing you did was ever “good enough” growing up.

Overachieving might have been your way of trying to earn love or avoid criticism, but it’s a heavy burden to carry.

How to Begin Healing and Growing:

• Celebrate progress over perfection, and acknowledge the effort you put in, even when things aren’t flawless.

• Give yourself permission to rest and remind yourself that your value isn’t tied to what you achieve.

• Work on embracing imperfection as part of being human, it’s what makes you real and relatable.

Final Thoughts

The traits you’ve developed aren’t flaws, they’re survival mechanisms that helped you navigate a challenging environment. 

Here’s the good news, they don’t have to define you anymore!

With awareness, self-compassion, and support, you can begin to rewrite the patterns and step into a life where your emotional needs are met, both by yourself and others.

Healing is a journey, but every small step is a testament to your strength and resilience. 

You are worthy of love, care, and connection, and it’s never too late to begin. 

If you’re ready to take that next step, therapy can provide a safe and supportive space to guide you on your journey. 

Reach out today and let’s begin this process together. 

CLICK HERE to schedule a phone consultation. 

This Weeks Affirmations

1. I am enough, just as I am. I don’t need to prove my worth.

2. I can embrace imperfection as a part of being human.

3. My past shaped me, but it doesn’t define who I am today.

4. I deserve relationships where I feel seen, heard, and valued.

5. It’s okay to ask for help. I don’t have to do everything alone.

Additional Resources 

**If you’re interested in learning more about growing up with emotionally unavailable parents check out these books below:

1. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson

2. Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb

3. It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle by Mark Wolynn

4. Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance by Kelly McDaniel

5. Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship by Stan Tatkin

6. What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing by Dr. Bruce D. Perry and Oprah Winfrey

7. Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Dr. Kristin Neff

8. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson

9. The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self by Alice Miller

10.  The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.

RAIN: A Simple Approach to Self-Compassion and Emotional Wellness

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Life is like a winding road. Full of twists and turns, peaks and valleys, dirt roads and smooth pavement. With the constant ebbs and flows of life, it’s easy to become overwhelmed with the emotional and mental energy that you have to put forth to keep going. For some, the struggle is tougher than others and it’s easy to lose sight of yourself. One of the biggest challenges people face when attempting to overcome life’s challenges is self-compassion and attaching their identity to the emotion they are feeling at the time. Because of this, many people will feel guilty for having bigger feelings, going through hard times, or feeling as if they don’t have the capacity to make it through their day. We want you to know that you are not alone. 

In this blog, we are going to discuss a mindfulness technique called R.A.I.N. This technique promotes bringing you back to center, ground you in the present, and remind you to free yourself from self-judgment. 

What is the R.A.I.N Technique? 

The RAIN technique is often used as a tool for emotional healing, self-awareness, and developing a more compassionate relationship with yourself. It can be helpful in managing stress, anxiety, and other challenging emotions by providing a mindful and non-judgmental approach to self-reflection.

R: Recognize what is happening - Recognizing or becoming aware of your emotions is like opening a door to healing. By acknowledging the emotional conversation within, you empower yourself to take control and navigate through the challenges.

A: Accept what you’re experiencing: Embracing acceptance of the emotions you’re experiencing is a pivotal step toward emotional well-being. When you accept the emotion coming up in you, you create a safe space for it and allow yourself to move on to the next step of R.A.I.N.

I: Investigate: Once you’ve recognized and accepted your emotions, the next step is to investigate them with kindness. Take time to explore the roots of your feelings with curiosity, asking yourself gentle questions to uncover the underlying causes. This compassionate inquiry enables you to understand your emotions more deeply and identify patterns that may be contributing to your struggles.

N: Nurture with Non-Identification: In this last step, learn to detach yourself from the emotions you’re feeling. Instead of defining yourself by your struggles, recognize that these feelings are like passing clouds - they come and go. This perspective shift allows you to create a sense of detachment, preventing you from becoming overwhelmed by the intensity of your emotions.

Who Should Use RAIN and When Should You Use It? 

The RAIN technique is a mindfulness practice so it can be beneficial for a wide range of people facing emotional challenges or seeking to develop mindfulness and self-compassion. Here are some situations and groups of people who might find the RAIN technique helpful:

1. Those Dealing with Emotional Distress: Anyone experiencing stress, anxiety, sadness, or other challenging emotions can use this technique to navigate and process their feelings in a healthy and constructive way.
   

2. People Facing Difficult Situations: When confronted with difficult life situations, such as loss, trauma, or major life changes, RAIN can give you a structured approach to understanding and coping with the complexity of your situation.
   

3. Stress Management: If you are dealing with everyday stressors, whether related to work, relationships, or other aspects of life, the RAIN technique can be a great way to manage stress and cultivate a more balanced emotional state throughout your day.
   

4. People Seeking Self-Compassion: The RAIN technique is particularly useful for those who wish to cultivate self-compassion. By recognizing, accepting, investigating, and non-identifying with their emotions, you can develop a kinder and more understanding relationship with yourself.
   

In terms of when to use the RAIN technique, it can be applied in real-time as emotions arise or as part of a regular mindfulness practice. Here are some scenarios:

1. During Moments of Distress: Use RAIN when you find yourself in the midst of challenging emotions, helping you navigate and understand your feelings in the present moment.
   

2. As a Daily Practice: Integrate the RAIN technique into your daily routine as a proactive approach to creating balance in your emotional well-being and allowing for self-reflection.
   

3. Before or After Stressful Events: Use RAIN before entering a potentially stressful situation to ground yourself, or afterward to process and release any emotions that may have come up during the situation that was stressful.
   

4. In Meditation or Mindfulness Sessions: Incorporate the RAIN technique into meditation or mindfulness sessions to deepen your practice and enhance self-awareness.

Final Thoughts

In conclusion, the RAIN technique is a gentle yet powerful tool that offers a structured approach to understanding and navigating our emotions. Whether you're facing challenging situations, dealing with everyday stress, or simply seeking a more compassionate relationship with yourself, implementing this mindfulness technique can cultivate self-compassion and self-acceptance while supporting you through your struggle. If you would like to learn more about mindfulness or grounding practices, you can CLICK HERE to download our free eBook, The Mind-Body Toolkit. If you would like additional support navigating challenging times in your life or would like to cultivate deeper self-growth CLICK HERE to schedule a free phone consultation with one of our therapists today. 

Additional Resources

All About Anger – Myth vs. Fact

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Anger is an intense emotion that someone usually feels when someone has wronged them, or something has gone wrong. The emotion can range from mild to intense and can be felt along with other emotions depending on the context (frustration, impatience, sadness, etc.) While anger can be a very normal and natural emotion to feel, there is a lot of misinformation regarding anger and people who experience anger. Below are some myths about anger, as well as some information regarding those myths.

1. Myth: Anger can only be felt as a negative emotion and does not have any value. 
   Fact: Anger can be felt as a result of a positive reason, such as feeling angry over an injustice made toward another or a group of people. It can give you the motivation you need to advocate for positive change or rally for support toward a specific cause. 

2. Myth: We will never be able to change the way we react when we are angry.
   Fact: Our reactions are behaviors that we learned to do over time. Even if we feel like we inherited our anger from our parents, or that we react just like a close family member, we are able to make changes to the way we behave when we’re angry. Additionally, we can learn ways to regulate ourselves so that we are not quick to anger.  

3. Myth: Anger always leads to violence and aggression.
   Fact: Anger can sometimes be felt in a positive context, and does not always lead to someone becoming violent or aggressive. By learning certain skills and strategies, we can learn to adjust or modify our behavior in order to not become violent or aggressive when angry. 

4. Myth: Being angry and aggressive can show others that you are strong and determined.
Fact: Aggression is defined as hostile and violent behavior towards others. Many people have learned that using anger and aggression can help them manipulate others into doing what they want. These behaviors are usually not associated with someone who is strong or determined. That being said, learning how to be assertive can help you gain respect from others without needing to display anger or aggression. 

5. Myth: It is important to always “let out” your anger. 
Fact: There are different ways to manage your anger, and not all of them have to include a physical response to release anger (ie. walking out of your house to scream or hitting a punching bag). These physical displays of anger can lead to increased anger or aggression. There are other strategies that someone can learn to address their anger that reduce these intense emotions, instead of amplifying them.  

While anger can be used productively and felt in a positive context, it can become a problem when it is felt too often, too intensely, and is expressed inappropriately. Experiencing feelings of anger too often can cause increased stress on the body, lead to other emotions such as aggression, and can impact those around us. If you notice that your anger is creating issues for you or those around you, you are not alone. Many people experience challenges when it comes to feeling anger, and we’ll share more information regarding how to address anger in our upcoming blogs. For immediate support, we always encourage our readers to book an appointment with one of our licensed therapists. 

3 Tips for Expressing Your Emotions Effectively

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Speaking up for yourself is never easy. Even those of us who consider ourselves assertive people sometimes have trouble expressing our emotions clearly and effectively. And it can be even more challenging to speak up when you are worried that you will step on other people's toes, that you will start a conflict, or that you are being overly-sensitive.

In these cases, it's important to remember that speaking up for yourself benefits you and all the other people involved. Repressing our emotions can only create worse problems later, by breeding resentment or causing anger to build up until it explodes. Not to mention, being honest about your emotions paves the way for others to be honest with you as well, deepening your interpersonal relationships.

Even if you recognize the importance of being honest, it can be hard to know where to start when you aren't used to expressing your emotions. Next time, instead of holding in your emotions for fear of offending others, try using these three tips to express your emotions clearly and effectively. 

1. Practice Radical Acceptance 

Many times, we repress our emotions due to the beliefs we have internalized about those emotions. For example, many women struggle with anger because they were taught that girls should be tolerant and soft-spoken. Once we learn to let go of those cultural beliefs and radically accept our emotions for what they are, we can express the way we feel without attaching additional meaning to these emotions.

The first step in practicing radical acceptance of your emotions is practicing mindful self-awareness. Notice what thoughts and physical sensations arise in your body without labeling them as "good" or "bad." Approach your emotions with curiosity rather than judgment. By viewing your emotions in this way, you can learn to separate the emotions themselves from the cultural beliefs you may hold about those emotions, which may be affecting your ability to express them constructively.

2. Own Your Emotions

Lots of people hold back their emotions because they are afraid of starting a conflict. But, conflicts most often start because we are placing blame on others for our emotions, rather than taking ownership of the way we feel. There is a huge difference between saying "you make me so angry!" and "I feel angry because…" That nuance bridges the divide between a constructive conversation and an explosive conflict.

Using I-statements -- as in, "I feel sad because...." rather than "you make me feel sad" -- is essential for opening up a dialogue about our emotional experience. Of course, it is natural to sometimes feel defensive when uncomfortable emotions arise in conversation. However, when we approach our emotions through the lens of blaming others, we may hurt their feelings so much that our core message is lost in translation. 

Speaking in I-statements may not come naturally to all of us, but it becomes easier to do once we let go of judgment and begin practicing radical acceptance of our emotions. When we let go of the labels we attach to our emotions, there is no longer a reason to become defensive of our anger, guilt, sadness, or shame.

3. Be Vulnerable

Many of us naturally resist appearing vulnerable to others for a variety of reasons. We may feel uncomfortable when others comfort us, or fear becoming the object of other people's pity. But it's important to understand that without vulnerability, we cannot be fully present in our most valued relationships. Being vulnerable not only allows us to reveal our true selves, but also creates space for others to be vulnerable with us, too. 

Give yourself permission to be vulnerable. Just as you have learned to approach your other emotions without judgment, practice radical acceptance when it comes to vulnerability. Let go of the cultural messages you've internalized about vulnerability and instead, focus on being fully present in your relationships. Vulnerability can feel scary, because we are sacrificing our ability to protect ourselves -- but this is a sacrifice we must make in order to deepen our connections with the people we care about the most.

Sometimes, expressing our emotions can be challenging to do without help, especially when we are so used to suppressing them. In these cases, you may benefit from processing your emotions with a professional, such as one of Life by Design Therapy's qualified clinicians. Contact us today to learn more about how we can help you approach your emotions without judgment, take ownership of your emotions, and make space for vulnerability.

Empaths, Here's How To Stop Absorbing Other People's Emotions

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Do you take on the emotions of others? When we have poor emotional boundaries, we may find ourselves feeling angry when others are angry or sad when others are sad. Or, alternatively, we may find that we are unable to feel happy when people we care about are not.

Absorbing the emotions of others can be both a strength and a weakness. It can be a sign that you are an empath, gifted with the extraordinary ability to empathize with nearly anyone -- but it can also become exhausting and frustrating to constantly feel what others are feeling.

Learning to empathize with others is a skill -- as is learning how to set emotional boundaries so that you are not constantly drained by taking on the emotions of others. Like any skill, setting emotional boundaries can be strengthened with practice. Here's how.

How To Spot An Empath

Sometimes, we may be aware that we are taking on the emotions of others. Other times, however, we might be having an intense or distressing emotional experience but be unaware of why we are feeling that way. 

So, how do you know that you are an empath, or a person with a natural tendency to empathize with others (and take on others' emotions)? Everybody is, of course, different, but here are some characteristics shared by many, if not all, empaths:

• Closeness and intimacy can become overwhelming.

• You need rest after spending lots of time with others.

• You have a strong sense of intuition.

• You strongly dislike crowded places.

• You are easily overstimulated in public.

• You feel emotionally involved in other people's problems.

• You have a hard time emotionally detaching yourself.

• You are extremely sensitive to sounds, smells, or sensations.

These traits may be signs that you are an empath, or simply that you have a tendency to absorb other people's emotions. Many of these characteristics involve overwhelm because taking on others' emotions, in addition to our own, can get to be too much. 

In fact, that may be one of the primary reasons why you are seeking advice on no longer taking on others' emotions: whether you realize it or not, you might be feeling overwhelmed and looking for relief from those emotions.

Stop Taking On Others' Emotions

Empaths frequently take on the emotions of others. To them, this is second nature, but can result in overwhelm and fatigue. If you do not know that you are taking on other people's emotions, you may not even realize this is why you are feeling that way. That's why the first step toward no longer taking on other people's emotions is to recognize the signs of being an empath.

As we mentioned previously, being an empath can be a powerful strength -- but it can also be incredibly overwhelming and draining. Setting emotional boundaries can help you to stop taking on other people's emotions to such an extent that it becomes exhausting and interferes with your sense of well-being.

Boundaries are firm lines that we draw to prevent others from making us feel emotionally drained or uncomfortable. For an empath, setting boundaries may not be second-nature and may even feel weird or wrong. After all, empaths want to be there for others in whatever way that they can. However, if you do not set emotional boundaries, you will become so drained that you are no longer able to support others the way that you instinctively want to.

The first step toward setting boundaries is to clearly define what your boundaries are. It can be difficult to do this as an empath because you may feel guilty for setting boundaries. Even so, it's important that you don't let guilt get in the way of doing what you need to do to feel your best. While this is easier said than done, you need to be honest with yourself about what boundaries would help you avoid letting others take advantage of your caring nature.

The second step is to clearly communicate your boundaries with others. Once you have identified what will help you detach from the emotions of others -- such as limiting the amount of time you spend listening to other people's problems (i.e. no longer spending hours on the phone with close friends whenever they need you) or saying "no" to helping out so that you do not overextend yourself -- make sure to sit down and have a conversation with whomever your boundary applies to.

When communicating your boundaries, ensure you have the conversation when you and your conversational partner are both calm, not feeling stressed or overwhelmed. Then, firmly but politely state what your boundaries are. While you are not obligated to give a reason for your boundaries, if you feel comfortable doing so, it might help back up your statement, especially if you are talking to someone whom you trust not to react to it poorly.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by being an empath, therapeutic techniques such as grounding and mindfulness can also help you learn to create a healthy distance between your emotions and the emotions of others. Contact Life by Design Therapy today to learn more about how we can help you set stronger emotional boundaries.