RAIN: A Simple Approach to Self-Compassion and Emotional Wellness

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Life is like a winding road. Full of twists and turns, peaks and valleys, dirt roads and smooth pavement. With the constant ebbs and flows of life, it’s easy to become overwhelmed with the emotional and mental energy that you have to put forth to keep going. For some, the struggle is tougher than others and it’s easy to lose sight of yourself. One of the biggest challenges people face when attempting to overcome life’s challenges is self-compassion and attaching their identity to the emotion they are feeling at the time. Because of this, many people will feel guilty for having bigger feelings, going through hard times, or feeling as if they don’t have the capacity to make it through their day. We want you to know that you are not alone. 

In this blog, we are going to discuss a mindfulness technique called R.A.I.N. This technique promotes bringing you back to center, ground you in the present, and remind you to free yourself from self-judgment. 

What is the R.A.I.N Technique? 

The RAIN technique is often used as a tool for emotional healing, self-awareness, and developing a more compassionate relationship with yourself. It can be helpful in managing stress, anxiety, and other challenging emotions by providing a mindful and non-judgmental approach to self-reflection.

R: Recognize what is happening - Recognizing or becoming aware of your emotions is like opening a door to healing. By acknowledging the emotional conversation within, you empower yourself to take control and navigate through the challenges.

A: Accept what you’re experiencing: Embracing acceptance of the emotions you’re experiencing is a pivotal step toward emotional well-being. When you accept the emotion coming up in you, you create a safe space for it and allow yourself to move on to the next step of R.A.I.N.

I: Investigate: Once you’ve recognized and accepted your emotions, the next step is to investigate them with kindness. Take time to explore the roots of your feelings with curiosity, asking yourself gentle questions to uncover the underlying causes. This compassionate inquiry enables you to understand your emotions more deeply and identify patterns that may be contributing to your struggles.

N: Nurture with Non-Identification: In this last step, learn to detach yourself from the emotions you’re feeling. Instead of defining yourself by your struggles, recognize that these feelings are like passing clouds - they come and go. This perspective shift allows you to create a sense of detachment, preventing you from becoming overwhelmed by the intensity of your emotions.

Who Should Use RAIN and When Should You Use It? 

The RAIN technique is a mindfulness practice so it can be beneficial for a wide range of people facing emotional challenges or seeking to develop mindfulness and self-compassion. Here are some situations and groups of people who might find the RAIN technique helpful:

1. Those Dealing with Emotional Distress: Anyone experiencing stress, anxiety, sadness, or other challenging emotions can use this technique to navigate and process their feelings in a healthy and constructive way.
   

2. People Facing Difficult Situations: When confronted with difficult life situations, such as loss, trauma, or major life changes, RAIN can give you a structured approach to understanding and coping with the complexity of your situation.
   

3. Stress Management: If you are dealing with everyday stressors, whether related to work, relationships, or other aspects of life, the RAIN technique can be a great way to manage stress and cultivate a more balanced emotional state throughout your day.
   

4. People Seeking Self-Compassion: The RAIN technique is particularly useful for those who wish to cultivate self-compassion. By recognizing, accepting, investigating, and non-identifying with their emotions, you can develop a kinder and more understanding relationship with yourself.
   

In terms of when to use the RAIN technique, it can be applied in real-time as emotions arise or as part of a regular mindfulness practice. Here are some scenarios:

1. During Moments of Distress: Use RAIN when you find yourself in the midst of challenging emotions, helping you navigate and understand your feelings in the present moment.
   

2. As a Daily Practice: Integrate the RAIN technique into your daily routine as a proactive approach to creating balance in your emotional well-being and allowing for self-reflection.
   

3. Before or After Stressful Events: Use RAIN before entering a potentially stressful situation to ground yourself, or afterward to process and release any emotions that may have come up during the situation that was stressful.
   

4. In Meditation or Mindfulness Sessions: Incorporate the RAIN technique into meditation or mindfulness sessions to deepen your practice and enhance self-awareness.

Final Thoughts

In conclusion, the RAIN technique is a gentle yet powerful tool that offers a structured approach to understanding and navigating our emotions. Whether you're facing challenging situations, dealing with everyday stress, or simply seeking a more compassionate relationship with yourself, implementing this mindfulness technique can cultivate self-compassion and self-acceptance while supporting you through your struggle. If you would like to learn more about mindfulness or grounding practices, you can CLICK HERE to download our free eBook, The Mind-Body Toolkit. If you would like additional support navigating challenging times in your life or would like to cultivate deeper self-growth CLICK HERE to schedule a free phone consultation with one of our therapists today. 

Additional Resources

All About Anger – Myth vs. Fact

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Anger is an intense emotion that someone usually feels when someone has wronged them, or something has gone wrong. The emotion can range from mild to intense and can be felt along with other emotions depending on the context (frustration, impatience, sadness, etc.) While anger can be a very normal and natural emotion to feel, there is a lot of misinformation regarding anger and people who experience anger. Below are some myths about anger, as well as some information regarding those myths.

1. Myth: Anger can only be felt as a negative emotion and does not have any value. 
   Fact: Anger can be felt as a result of a positive reason, such as feeling angry over an injustice made toward another or a group of people. It can give you the motivation you need to advocate for positive change or rally for support toward a specific cause. 

2. Myth: We will never be able to change the way we react when we are angry.
   Fact: Our reactions are behaviors that we learned to do over time. Even if we feel like we inherited our anger from our parents, or that we react just like a close family member, we are able to make changes to the way we behave when we’re angry. Additionally, we can learn ways to regulate ourselves so that we are not quick to anger.  

3. Myth: Anger always leads to violence and aggression.
   Fact: Anger can sometimes be felt in a positive context, and does not always lead to someone becoming violent or aggressive. By learning certain skills and strategies, we can learn to adjust or modify our behavior in order to not become violent or aggressive when angry. 

4. Myth: Being angry and aggressive can show others that you are strong and determined.
Fact: Aggression is defined as hostile and violent behavior towards others. Many people have learned that using anger and aggression can help them manipulate others into doing what they want. These behaviors are usually not associated with someone who is strong or determined. That being said, learning how to be assertive can help you gain respect from others without needing to display anger or aggression. 

5. Myth: It is important to always “let out” your anger. 
Fact: There are different ways to manage your anger, and not all of them have to include a physical response to release anger (ie. walking out of your house to scream or hitting a punching bag). These physical displays of anger can lead to increased anger or aggression. There are other strategies that someone can learn to address their anger that reduce these intense emotions, instead of amplifying them.  

While anger can be used productively and felt in a positive context, it can become a problem when it is felt too often, too intensely, and is expressed inappropriately. Experiencing feelings of anger too often can cause increased stress on the body, lead to other emotions such as aggression, and can impact those around us. If you notice that your anger is creating issues for you or those around you, you are not alone. Many people experience challenges when it comes to feeling anger, and we’ll share more information regarding how to address anger in our upcoming blogs. For immediate support, we always encourage our readers to book an appointment with one of our licensed therapists. 

3 Tips for Expressing Your Emotions Effectively

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Speaking up for yourself is never easy. Even those of us who consider ourselves assertive people sometimes have trouble expressing our emotions clearly and effectively. And it can be even more challenging to speak up when you are worried that you will step on other people's toes, that you will start a conflict, or that you are being overly-sensitive.

In these cases, it's important to remember that speaking up for yourself benefits you and all the other people involved. Repressing our emotions can only create worse problems later, by breeding resentment or causing anger to build up until it explodes. Not to mention, being honest about your emotions paves the way for others to be honest with you as well, deepening your interpersonal relationships.

Even if you recognize the importance of being honest, it can be hard to know where to start when you aren't used to expressing your emotions. Next time, instead of holding in your emotions for fear of offending others, try using these three tips to express your emotions clearly and effectively. 

1. Practice Radical Acceptance 

Many times, we repress our emotions due to the beliefs we have internalized about those emotions. For example, many women struggle with anger because they were taught that girls should be tolerant and soft-spoken. Once we learn to let go of those cultural beliefs and radically accept our emotions for what they are, we can express the way we feel without attaching additional meaning to these emotions.

The first step in practicing radical acceptance of your emotions is practicing mindful self-awareness. Notice what thoughts and physical sensations arise in your body without labeling them as "good" or "bad." Approach your emotions with curiosity rather than judgment. By viewing your emotions in this way, you can learn to separate the emotions themselves from the cultural beliefs you may hold about those emotions, which may be affecting your ability to express them constructively.

2. Own Your Emotions

Lots of people hold back their emotions because they are afraid of starting a conflict. But, conflicts most often start because we are placing blame on others for our emotions, rather than taking ownership of the way we feel. There is a huge difference between saying "you make me so angry!" and "I feel angry because…" That nuance bridges the divide between a constructive conversation and an explosive conflict.

Using I-statements -- as in, "I feel sad because...." rather than "you make me feel sad" -- is essential for opening up a dialogue about our emotional experience. Of course, it is natural to sometimes feel defensive when uncomfortable emotions arise in conversation. However, when we approach our emotions through the lens of blaming others, we may hurt their feelings so much that our core message is lost in translation. 

Speaking in I-statements may not come naturally to all of us, but it becomes easier to do once we let go of judgment and begin practicing radical acceptance of our emotions. When we let go of the labels we attach to our emotions, there is no longer a reason to become defensive of our anger, guilt, sadness, or shame.

3. Be Vulnerable

Many of us naturally resist appearing vulnerable to others for a variety of reasons. We may feel uncomfortable when others comfort us, or fear becoming the object of other people's pity. But it's important to understand that without vulnerability, we cannot be fully present in our most valued relationships. Being vulnerable not only allows us to reveal our true selves, but also creates space for others to be vulnerable with us, too. 

Give yourself permission to be vulnerable. Just as you have learned to approach your other emotions without judgment, practice radical acceptance when it comes to vulnerability. Let go of the cultural messages you've internalized about vulnerability and instead, focus on being fully present in your relationships. Vulnerability can feel scary, because we are sacrificing our ability to protect ourselves -- but this is a sacrifice we must make in order to deepen our connections with the people we care about the most.

Sometimes, expressing our emotions can be challenging to do without help, especially when we are so used to suppressing them. In these cases, you may benefit from processing your emotions with a professional, such as one of Life by Design Therapy's qualified clinicians. Contact us today to learn more about how we can help you approach your emotions without judgment, take ownership of your emotions, and make space for vulnerability.

Empaths, Here's How To Stop Absorbing Other People's Emotions

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Do you take on the emotions of others? When we have poor emotional boundaries, we may find ourselves feeling angry when others are angry or sad when others are sad. Or, alternatively, we may find that we are unable to feel happy when people we care about are not.

Absorbing the emotions of others can be both a strength and a weakness. It can be a sign that you are an empath, gifted with the extraordinary ability to empathize with nearly anyone -- but it can also become exhausting and frustrating to constantly feel what others are feeling.

Learning to empathize with others is a skill -- as is learning how to set emotional boundaries so that you are not constantly drained by taking on the emotions of others. Like any skill, setting emotional boundaries can be strengthened with practice. Here's how.

How To Spot An Empath

Sometimes, we may be aware that we are taking on the emotions of others. Other times, however, we might be having an intense or distressing emotional experience but be unaware of why we are feeling that way. 

So, how do you know that you are an empath, or a person with a natural tendency to empathize with others (and take on others' emotions)? Everybody is, of course, different, but here are some characteristics shared by many, if not all, empaths:

• Closeness and intimacy can become overwhelming.

• You need rest after spending lots of time with others.

• You have a strong sense of intuition.

• You strongly dislike crowded places.

• You are easily overstimulated in public.

• You feel emotionally involved in other people's problems.

• You have a hard time emotionally detaching yourself.

• You are extremely sensitive to sounds, smells, or sensations.

These traits may be signs that you are an empath, or simply that you have a tendency to absorb other people's emotions. Many of these characteristics involve overwhelm because taking on others' emotions, in addition to our own, can get to be too much. 

In fact, that may be one of the primary reasons why you are seeking advice on no longer taking on others' emotions: whether you realize it or not, you might be feeling overwhelmed and looking for relief from those emotions.

Stop Taking On Others' Emotions

Empaths frequently take on the emotions of others. To them, this is second nature, but can result in overwhelm and fatigue. If you do not know that you are taking on other people's emotions, you may not even realize this is why you are feeling that way. That's why the first step toward no longer taking on other people's emotions is to recognize the signs of being an empath.

As we mentioned previously, being an empath can be a powerful strength -- but it can also be incredibly overwhelming and draining. Setting emotional boundaries can help you to stop taking on other people's emotions to such an extent that it becomes exhausting and interferes with your sense of well-being.

Boundaries are firm lines that we draw to prevent others from making us feel emotionally drained or uncomfortable. For an empath, setting boundaries may not be second-nature and may even feel weird or wrong. After all, empaths want to be there for others in whatever way that they can. However, if you do not set emotional boundaries, you will become so drained that you are no longer able to support others the way that you instinctively want to.

The first step toward setting boundaries is to clearly define what your boundaries are. It can be difficult to do this as an empath because you may feel guilty for setting boundaries. Even so, it's important that you don't let guilt get in the way of doing what you need to do to feel your best. While this is easier said than done, you need to be honest with yourself about what boundaries would help you avoid letting others take advantage of your caring nature.

The second step is to clearly communicate your boundaries with others. Once you have identified what will help you detach from the emotions of others -- such as limiting the amount of time you spend listening to other people's problems (i.e. no longer spending hours on the phone with close friends whenever they need you) or saying "no" to helping out so that you do not overextend yourself -- make sure to sit down and have a conversation with whomever your boundary applies to.

When communicating your boundaries, ensure you have the conversation when you and your conversational partner are both calm, not feeling stressed or overwhelmed. Then, firmly but politely state what your boundaries are. While you are not obligated to give a reason for your boundaries, if you feel comfortable doing so, it might help back up your statement, especially if you are talking to someone whom you trust not to react to it poorly.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by being an empath, therapeutic techniques such as grounding and mindfulness can also help you learn to create a healthy distance between your emotions and the emotions of others. Contact Life by Design Therapy today to learn more about how we can help you set stronger emotional boundaries.