By Melody Wright, LMFT
Have you ever felt like you’re carrying invisible baggage from your childhood like patterns, feelings, or struggles you can’t quite explain?
Maybe you’ve even caught yourself wondering,
Why do I struggle to feel seen or heard in my relationships?
Or
Why do I struggle to ask for help or trust others?
If these thoughts resonate, you’re not alone.
The effects of growing up with an emotionally unavailable parent often show up in subtle, and persistent ways, kind of like a shadow following you through life.
Over time, this emotional void can shape your sense of self and the way you navigate relationships, often in ways that you may not fully realize until adulthood.
These traits don’t mean there’s something wrong with you; rather, they’re a testament to your resilience and your ability to adapt to a challenging environment.
This blog isn’t about blame, it’s about understanding.
By exploring these common traits, my hope is that you’ll feel a sense of validation and connection.
You are not alone in your experiences, and by recognizing these patterns, you can take meaningful steps toward healing, self-acceptance, and healthier relationships.
Let’s dive into the ten traits that might feel all too familiar and explore how they came to be.
10 Signs You Grew Up With Emotional Unavailable Parents
You Struggle to Express Your Emotions
If sharing your feelings feels unnatural or even scary, it’s not because something is wrong with you.
If you grew up in an environment where emotions were dismissed or ignored, you likely learned to suppress them for survival.
Because of this, you may have disconnected from your emotions entirely to protect yourself from hurt.
How to Begin Healing and Growing:
Give yourself permission to feel. You can start by simply acknowledging your emotions without judgment.
Try journaling or using an emotions chart to reconnect with your inner world.
Share small pieces of your feelings with someone you trust, reminding yourself that it’s okay to start slow.
You Feel Like You Have to Do Everything Alone
If you identify as someone who is fiercely independent, there’s a chance your parents were unavailable to you or even made you feel like a burden.
If this feels familiar, you may have learned early on that asking for help wasn’t an option.
While that independence is a testament to your strength, it may also leave you feeling isolated.
How to Begin Healing and Growing:
Start small by asking for support in low-stakes situations, like help with a household task.
Reflect on the people in your life who have shown they’re reliable and safe, and practice leaning on them gradually.
Take time to remind yourself that allowing others to help isn’t a weakness, it’s an act of trust and connection.
You Try to Keep Everyone Else Happy
Do you find yourself bending over backward to make others happy, even at your own expense?
If this resonates, you might have grown up in an environment where love felt conditional.
Pleasing others might have been your way of avoiding conflict or earning approval.
How to Begin Healing and Growing:
Pause before saying yes to anything and ask yourself, “Am I doing this because I want to, or because I feel like I have to?”
Practice setting small boundaries, like turning down a request, and notice how it feels to honor your needs.
Remind yourself that your worth is not tied to what you do for others.
You Struggle to Feel Good About Yourself
When emotional validation is lacking in childhood, kids often internalize it as a reflection of their worth.
If you’ve ever felt like you’re not “enough,” not good enough, smart enough, or lovable enough, it’s okay.
Many people share this experience. Please know that those feelings of unworthiness don’t define you.
How to Begin Healing and Growing:
Challenge negative self-talk by practicing self-compassion. Speak to yourself like you would a close friend.
Surround yourself with people who celebrate you for who you are, not just what you do.
Practice affirmations that remind you: I am enough, just as I am.
Utilize the R.A.I.N technique - read more about that HERE.
You Value Connection & Fear Losing It
Feeling like people might leave you can be overwhelming.
Growing up with emotional neglect may have created a deep fear that connection isn’t safe or lasting.
Did you know this fear isn’t a sign of weakness?
It’s actually your mind and body trying to protect you.
How to Begin Healing and Growing:
Notice when fear of rejection arises and remind yourself that your past doesn’t dictate your present.
Practice open communication with loved ones about your fears—it can help build trust and understanding.
Consider working with a somatic therapist to explore where these fears come from and how to rewrite the narrative.
You Find It Hard to Set Boundaries
Does saying “no” feel impossible or asserting your needs brings up feelings of guilt?
Many adults who grew up with emotionally unavailable parents learned to prioritize others’ needs while ignoring their own.
But your needs matter, too.
How to Begin Healing and Growing:
Start with small boundaries, like taking 10 minutes of alone time when you need it.
Practice saying something like, “I can’t do that right now, but I appreciate you asking”, to build confidence.
Remind yourself that boundaries don’t push people away, they strengthen relationships by cultivating mutual respect.
You’re Drawn to Emotionally Unavailable Partners
Do you find yourself in relationships where your needs aren’t met, yet you stay, hoping things will change?
It’s not your fault.
We often unconsciously gravitate toward what feels familiar, even when it’s painful.
How to Begin Healing and Growing:
Reflect on what feels familiar in your relationships and ask yourself if it serves you.
Seek relationships that demonstrate consistency, empathy, and emotional availability.
Start with you. Work on loving and validating yourself first, so you’re less likely to seek it from unavailable people.
You’re Consistently on Edge in Relationships
Do you constantly anticipate conflict or withdrawal, even when there’s no clear reason?
Growing up in an unpredictable environment can train your nervous system to stay on high alert.
This hypervigilance may have been your way of staying safe as a child.
Remember to have compassion for yourself as you navigate regulating your nervous system.
How to Begin Healing and Growing:
Practice grounding techniques, like deep breathing or mindfulness, to calm your nervous system.
Remind yourself that not every change in mood signals danger, it’s okay to pause before reacting.
Therapy like EMDR and Somatic can help you retrain your brain to feel safe in healthy, stable relationships.
You Find It Hard to Trust People
If trusting others feels impossible, it’s not because you’re “broken.”
When caregivers were unreliable or dismissive, you likely learned to rely on yourself.
Trusting others now can feel risky, but it’s a skill that can be developed.
How to Begin Healing and Growing:
Start small by noticing who in your life has shown consistency and care.
Practice sharing little pieces of yourself and see how others respond. It’s okay to go slow.
Reflect on the fact that trust grows in increments, not all at once, and that’s okay.
You Feel Like You Have to Be Perfect
If you’ve spent your life striving for perfection, it might be because you felt like nothing you did was ever “good enough” growing up.
Overachieving might have been your way of trying to earn love or avoid criticism, but it’s a heavy burden to carry.
How to Begin Healing and Growing:
Celebrate progress over perfection, and acknowledge the effort you put in, even when things aren’t flawless.
Give yourself permission to rest and remind yourself that your value isn’t tied to what you achieve.
Work on embracing imperfection as part of being human, it’s what makes you real and relatable.
Final Thoughts
The traits you’ve developed aren’t flaws, they’re survival mechanisms that helped you navigate a challenging environment.
Here’s the good news, they don’t have to define you anymore!
With awareness, self-compassion, and support, you can begin to rewrite the patterns and step into a life where your emotional needs are met, both by yourself and others.
Healing is a journey, but every small step is a testament to your strength and resilience.
You are worthy of love, care, and connection, and it’s never too late to begin.
If you’re ready to take that next step, therapy can provide a safe and supportive space to guide you on your journey.
Reach out today and let’s begin this process together.
CLICK HERE to schedule a phone consultation.
This Weeks Affirmations
I am enough, just as I am. I don’t need to prove my worth.
I can embrace imperfection as a part of being human.
My past shaped me, but it doesn’t define who I am today.
I deserve relationships where I feel seen, heard, and valued.
It’s okay to ask for help. I don’t have to do everything alone.
Additional Resources
**If you’re interested in learning more about growing up with emotionally unavailable parents check out these books below:
Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Dr. Kristin Neff
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson
The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self by Alice Miller
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