Navigating Anxiety Together: A Guide for Supporting Your Partner

By Melody Wright, LMFT

In the complex dynamics of relationships, we might find ourselves stepping into roles that require not just love and companionship but also patience, understanding, and support. If your partner struggles with anxiety, it might feel like you both are navigating through rough seas, where every wave of worry and fear has the potential to disrupt the stability of your relationship.

Anxiety comes in various forms and it can cast a shadow over even the brightest moments you both share, leaving both partners feeling isolated and uncertain. 

However, even in relationships where anxiety is present, there lies an opportunity for deeper connection and growth. By learning how to support your partner with their anxiety effectively, you not only have the ability to strengthen the foundation of your relationship but also foster an environment of trust, empathy, and resilience. In this blog, we'll discuss ten ways to support your partner through their anxiety by focusing on understanding and kindness. 

Supporting Your Partner

Supporting an anxious partner requires patience, empathy, and a genuine desire to comfort and encourage them. It means understanding their anxiety deeply and being there to provide comfort when they're feeling distressed. Patience helps you navigate their emotions gently, while empathy allows you to connect with their inner feelings of fear and worry. Most importantly, it involves a strong commitment to stand by their side, offering reassurance through all the challenges they face.  So how can you do this?  

1. Ground Yourself: To be present, listen, and have empathy for your partner you need to find ways to ground yourself before attempting.  For those who experience anxiety, it can creep up suddenly, so being prepared to regulate yourself is essential to supporting your partner through it.  You can support yourself with daily meditation, self-care practices, and deep breathing.
   

2. Engage in Active Listening: It’s important to encourage your partner to express their feelings and concerns. However, as you listen it’s also important to show empathy and understanding by actively listening to what they have to say and holding a non-judgmental space for them. Here's a brief example of active listening in a relationship:

   Partner A: "I had a really tough day at work. My boss criticized my project in front of the whole team."

   Partner B: "That sounds really challenging. It must have been frustrating to receive criticism like that. How did you handle it?

   In this example, Partner B actively listens to Partner A's experience, acknowledges their feelings, and encourages further discussion by asking an open-ended question.
   

3. Validate Their Feelings: As you engage in active listening let your partner know that it's okay to feel anxious and that their feelings are valid. Be aware to avoid dismissing or minimizing their emotions.
   

4. Offer Reassurance: Provide verbal reassurance that you are there for them and that they are not alone in dealing with their anxiety. Remind them of their strengths and previous successes in managing anxiety.
   

5. Educate Yourself About Anxiety: Learning about anxiety disorders, their symptoms, and their triggers will only give you a deeper understanding of what your partner is going through and can help you provide better support.
   

6. Encourage Self-Care: For those who experience anxiety, their nervous systems can become dysregulated easily. Help your partner prioritize self-care activities such as exercise, proper nutrition, sufficient sleep, and relaxation techniques like deep breathing or meditation. This is important for nervous system regulation and reducing anxiety episodes.
   

7. Be Patient and Understanding: Recognize that anxiety can be overwhelming and may affect your partner's behavior and mood. Be patient with them and try to remain calm during moments of heightened anxiety.
   

8. Avoid Criticism: Do your best to refrain from criticizing or blaming your partner for their anxiety. Instead, focus on offering constructive feedback and support.
   

9. Encourage Professional Help: You might suggest seeking help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in treating anxiety disorders. Your partner might feel supported if you offer to accompany them to their therapy sessions.
   

10. Practice Mindfulness Together: Engage in activities that promote mindfulness, such as yoga or guided meditation. These practices can help both of you manage stress and anxiety more effectively and cultivate a deeper relationship with each other.
    

11. Maintain Open Communication: Encourage open and honest communication in your relationship. Check in with your partner regularly to see how they're feeling and what support they may need. Let them know that they can always come to you for help and guidance.

Final Thoughts

We understand that relationships of all kinds are unique. Navigating the complexities of relationships can be challenging and as the other side of the relationship, you might find that you would like support as well. For those who might be experiencing breakdowns in communication, trust issues, or just need someone to bounce thoughts off of, consider speaking with a skilled clinician. Your wellbeing contributes to the wellbeing of your relationship and if you would like support, reach out to one of our therapists today. You can CLICK HERE to schedule a free phone consultation. 

Affirmations for Anxiety 

1. "I am calm, centered, and in control of my thoughts and emotions."

2. "I trust in my ability to overcome challenges and face uncertainty with courage."

3. "I am worthy of peace and relaxation, and I deserve to prioritize my mental well-being."

4. "I release all tension and fear from my mind and body, allowing tranquility to flow through me."

5. "I am safe and secure in this present moment, and I trust in the journey ahead."

Additional Resources

**If you’re interested in expanding your knowledge on anxiety and how to support someone with anxiety, check out these books below:

1. "Dare: The New Way to End Anxiety and Stop Panic Attacks Fast" by Barry McDonagh

2. "Anxiety: Panicking about Panic: A powerful, self-help guide for those suffering from an Anxiety or Panic Disorder" by Joshua Fletcher

3. "The Mindfulness Workbook for Anxiety: The 8-Week Solution to Help You Manage Anxiety, Worry, and Stress" by Tanya J. Peterson MS NCC

4. "My Age of Anxiety: Fear, Hope, Dread, and the Search for Peace of Mind" by Scott Stossel

5. "Loving Someone with Anxiety: Understanding and Helping Your Partner" by Kate N. Thieda MS LPCA NCC

6. Anxious Attachment Recovery: Go From Being Clingy to Confident & Secure In Your Relationships (Break Free and Recover from Unhealthy Relationships By Linda Hill

7. Overcome Overthinking and Anxiety in Your Relationship: A Practical Guide to Improve Communication, Solve Conflicts, and Build a Healthy Marriage By Robert J Charles

8. Anxiety in Relationship: Free Yourself From Anxiety and Fears, Stop Suffering and Enjoy Your Love Relationship With Your Partner by Patricia Peterman

9. Master Your Emotions: A Practical Guide to Overcome Negativity and Better Manage Your Feelings by Thibaut Meurisse 

10.  Unwinding Anxiety: New Science Shows How to Break the Cycles of Worry and Fear to Heal Your Mind by Judson Brewer

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read full disclosurehere.

Love in Focus: How Couples Therapy Strengthens Relationships

By Melody Wright, LMFT

In the unique dance of relationships, there are moments of joy, laughter, and connection, but there are also times of challenge, disagreement, and even heartbreak. Navigating the ebbs and flows of a partnership requires resilience, understanding, and, sometimes, a little extra support. That's where couples therapy comes into play—a safe space where relationships are nurtured, vulnerabilities embraced, and the journey of love unfolds.

Picture this: a couple, once deeply in love, now finding themselves at a crossroads. The initial spark that brought them together is dimming, replaced by misunderstandings and a sense of disconnect. It's a scenario familiar to many, and it's essential to recognize that seeking help is not a sign of weakness but rather a courageous step toward healing and growth.

In the world we live in, couples often face challenges that can strain even the strongest bonds. Work pressures, family dynamics, and personal struggles can create a rift between partners. Couples therapy, facilitated by a trained and empathetic professional, offers a dedicated space for open communication, a fundamental building block for any successful relationship.

One of the primary benefits of couples therapy lies in its ability to provide a neutral ground for dialogue. It's easy for conversations to become emotionally charged, leading to a cycle of misunderstandings and unmet needs. A skilled therapist acts as a guide, steering conversations away from blame and towards understanding. They empower couples to express their thoughts and feelings in a way that fosters empathy and connection.

Couples therapy equips partners with effective communication tools that extend beyond the therapy session itself. Learning to listen actively, express emotions authentically, and validate each other's experiences are skills that can transform how couples navigate challenges in their day-to-day lives. It's not about erasing disagreements but rather creating a roadmap to navigate them constructively.

In the therapeutic space, couples can explore the roots of their challenges and patterns that may be contributing to their struggles. Whether it's unresolved past issues, unmet expectations, or differing communication styles, the therapist guides the couple in uncovering these underlying dynamics. This process is not about assigning blame but rather about gaining insight and fostering a deeper understanding of each other.

Empathy plays a pivotal role in the transformative journey of couples therapy. The therapist facilitates a compassionate space where both partners can share their vulnerabilities without fear of judgment. Through this process, couples often discover hidden aspects of their relationship, leading to a renewed sense of intimacy and connection. It's important to know that couples therapy isn’t only for relationships on the brink of collapse. In reality, seeking professional guidance at the early signs of distress can prevent deeper issues from taking root. Think of it as proactive care for your relationship—much like going to the doctor for a check-up for preventative healthcare. 

Final Thoughts

In conclusion, couples therapy is a powerful tool for relationships navigating the complexities of life. It shows the strength and commitment of partners willing to invest in the well-being of their connection. The therapeutic journey is not about fixing what's broken but rather about cultivating a resilient, loving partnership that can work through the complexities of life. If you’re ready to get started, we have a team of skilled therapists ready to support you and your partner. CLICK HERE to schedule your free phone consultation today. 

Emotionally Focused Therapy: Unlocking the Heart of Connection

By Melody Wright, LMFT

In the world of relationships, things can get tricky. Imagine feeling stuck in a pattern of communication that leaves both partners feeling unheard or disconnected. If you've ever experienced tension or distance in your relationship, you're not alone.

This blog explores the dynamics of connection, offering simple strategies for couples seeking a clearer path to understanding and strengthening their bond with Emotionally Focused Therapy. Read on if you've ever wondered how to break free from negative patterns and foster a deeper, more fulfilling connection with your partner.

Understanding Emotionally Focused Therapy

EFT operates on a structured and evidence-based approach, offering a framework tailored to the unique needs of couples. Rather than approaching your concerns blindly, think of EFT as a strategic roadmap, allowing us to assess where you are, understand the journey you've taken, and chart a course for where you want to go. Emotionally focused therapy is effective for couples enduring hardships for several reasons. Its success can be attributed to the principles embedded in the approach. 

1. Attachment Theory Foundation: EFT is rooted in attachment theory, which shows that we, as humans, have an innate need for secure emotional bonds. These bonds provide a sense of safety and support, influencing how you navigate relationships.
   

2. Emotion as a Key Agent of Change: EFT strongly emphasizes emotions and their role in shaping our behavior and interactions. We tend to view emotions as obstacles, however, EFT views emotions as valuable sources of information that can lead to a deeper understanding of yourself and your partner.
   

3. Identification and Expression of Emotions: Because EFT emphasizes emotions, you are encouraged to identify and communicate those emotions to your partner. By doing this, you and your partner create an open, and safe climate of emotional honesty and vulnerability.

4. The Negative Cycle and Attachment Injury: EFT also supports identifying negative cycles and patterns that couples may fall into. These cycles can include miscommunications and emotional distancing. Becoming aware of these cycles is crucial for intervention and moving forward. Within the negative cycles, there are often attachment injuries. Attachment injuries are when one or both partners feel rejected or emotionally hurt. These injuries can contribute to the continued negative patterns within the relationship.
   

5. Creating a Secure Base: The goal of emotionally focused therapy is to create a secure emotional base for the therapeutic process. By doing this, it allows for a secure base for the couple to fall back on as they continue to navigate their relationship moving forward.  

6. Responsiveness to the Needs of the Relationship: Everyone’s relationship is completely unique, which is why this approach can be customized to your needs. Your therapist tailors interventions to address specific issues, fostering a collaborative and individualized approach.
   

7. Short-term and Goal-Oriented: EFT is designed to be a relatively short-term therapeutic approach with specific goals. The focus is on efficiently addressing core issues and providing couples with tools for ongoing self-management.

8. Consolidation and Integration: The final stage of EFT involves consolidating the positive changes achieved during your therapy sessions. Couples will start to integrate these changes into their daily lives and apply new ways of relating independently.

Who is EFT for? 

Emotionally Focused Therapy stands as a versatile solution for many different relationship challenges. Whether you and your partner are struggling with miscommunication, feeling emotionally distant, stuck in loops of conflicts, or navigating the ebbs and flows of life, EFT can offer the support you need to maintain or build a secure relationship. Even in stable relationships, EFT provides a sacred space for exploring deeper intimacy. At its core, EFT flourishes when both partners commit to positive change, actively engaging in the collaborative journey toward understanding, reshaping, and enhancing their relationship dynamics.

Final Thoughts

Remember, your relationship is unique, and EFT recognizes and respects that uniqueness. It's not about one-size-fits-all solutions; it's about crafting an individualized path to understanding, renewal, and fulfillment. If the insights shared here resonate with you, maybe it's time to consider EFT as a valuable resource for your relationship journey. Life By Design Therapy has a team of therapists who are available to provide the support, guidance, and tools needed to navigate challenges and strengthen your connection. Take that next step toward a more fulfilling relationship.  Your relationship deserves the care and attention that will lead it toward lasting happiness and satisfaction. Reach out for therapy services today by scheduling a free phone consultation!

Additional Resources

1. Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler

2. Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion by George J. Thompson and Jerry B. Jenkins

3. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg

4. The Art of Communicating by Thich Nhat Hanh

5. How to Listen with Intention: The Foundation of True Connection, Communication, and Relationships by Patrick King 

6. 4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work--Anywhere!: Including the "12-Day Communication Challenge!" by Bento C. Leal III

7. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson

8. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

9. The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate by Harriet Lerner

10. Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone by Mark Goulston

Trouble in Paradise? How to Practice Better Communication Skills with Your Partner

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Talking to your partner during conflict is not always easy or constructive. When stressors are at an all-time high and patience is at an all-time low, it can make for a very difficult conversation or a potential argument. If you’re finding it hard to communicate with your partner during conflict, it may be time to change your approach. Here are some communication skills and strategies that you can practice next time you’re in the middle of conflict with your significant other:

Create a time and space to connect and converse

It is easy to get lost in the daily hustle and bustle of work, chores, pet or childcare, and other scheduled commitments. Sometimes, this means not being able to have a real conversation with your partner in weeks, or even months despite experiencing problems in your relationship. Being intentional about setting a recurring time and date to talk can help give you and your partner the space you need to truly connect, not just “talk.” Creating this time can also give you an opportunity to routinely check-in with each other about an ongoing concern as opposed to letting frustration build-up overtime. 

Listen to understand, not to respond

When you are frustrated, upset, or sensitive about a certain topic, it may be easy to become defensive when your partner brings this specific topic up (ie. division of chores, current finances, relationships with your in-laws, etc.). Our defensiveness usually manifests itself by interrupting or responding to our partner before they have even had a chance to finish sharing their thoughts. With that said, it is important to understand why your partner is bringing up this topic in the first place. Listening to understand is a skill that can take some time to learn, but can drastically improve the dynamic in your conversations with your partner and with others. When you are able to listen to your partner’s complete thought or story before jumping in with a response, you are able to better understand where they are coming from, and can then respond to your partner’s concern without becoming defensive. 

Be fully present in the conversation

Some people prefer to avoid or not engage in confrontation. While we understand that engaging in a difficult conversation is not everyone’s cup of tea, it is important that you remain fully present in conversations that you have with your partner. This means getting rid of any distractions or things that can withdraw from your attention, such as cell phones or other electronic devices. Being able to fully engage in conversations with your partner, no matter how difficult, can show your partner that you care about what they have to say and will help lessen the amount of information you would have missed due to not giving your partner your full attention. 

Avoid judging or insulting your partner.

Conflict can bring out the worst in us. When communicating with your partner during conflict, it is important to keep your composure and avoid judging or insulting your partner. A constructive conversation can quickly go south when someone decides to accuse, assume, belittle, or insult the other person. In order to increase your chances at having a constructive conversation and positive resolution, it is important that we try our hardest to avoid these “low blows.” 

We understand that implementing these strategies and suggestions to improve your communication with your partner may be easier said than done. You may also feel that no matter how hard you and your partner have tried to talk recently, you’ve hit a roadblock in your relationship and need help getting past it. Our therapists at Life By Design offer couples counseling that aims to help partners work through challenges and breaks in communication. Schedule a phone consultation today to help you and your partner get back on track with your communication and overall relationship. 

Holiday Hostility? Strategies on Resolving Conflict with Your Partner This Holiday Season

by Melody Wright, LMFT

The holidays can bring up more arguments and friction than usual in our relationships. Traveling, visiting in-laws, and the pressure to spend money on extravagant gifts can increase our stress levels and decrease our patience. If you’re currently in the middle of conflict with your partner, or just want to prepare for potential disagreements, we hope the following strategies will help you and your partner have a harmonious holiday season.

Try not to point fingers. There’s only so much you can do when a flight gets delayed, and you’re forced to wait at the airport for more time than you anticipated. In stressful moments like these, it might be easy to shift blame and tell your partner that this is their fault (ie. “If we had booked an earlier flight like I suggested, this wouldn’t have happened”). Assigning blame won’t change your current predicament. In fact, it may even make it more stressful as you’ve now created a situation where your partner may feel hurt by your words. In situations like this, we encourage you to try and avoid pointing fingers. Instead, see if you can come together as a team to seek other potential options or making the most out of the additional time you have to spend airport (ie. Can you get some online shopping done while you wait at the terminal?). 

Avoid criticizing your partner. We get it, you’re in the middle of a store full of impatient shoppers, and your partner has yet again forgotten their wallet at home. All you can think of saying is “how can you be so forgetful?!” We know it may take a lot of effort, but we encourage you to take a pause whenever you feel like stating a negative critique toward your partner. This is a stressful moment for you both, and your partner may have had a lot on their mind before leaving the house. Instead of criticizing, try to find a solution to fix the immediate problem, then take time to talk about this once you’ve cooled down and settled in at home. You may find that there is a simple fix to an ongoing problem once you’ve taken the time to talk to each other (ie. Putting a box next to the door to store your partner’s wallet may give them a visual reminder to grab it before leaving the house.)

Identify the problem and choose to face it together. Sometimes all you need is a shift in your mindset. Instead of feeling like it’s you versus your partner, consider changing the dynamic to you and your partner versus the problem. When you decide to work together to face a problem, you may realize that you no longer want to argue with your partner. Redirecting your focus may also help you come up with a solution quicker as your goal is now to fight the problem, not each other. 

Create an exit strategy. Sometimes being with extended family can be physically and emotionally exhausting, especially after limiting physical interactions over the last few months. If you or your partner know that spending too much time with in-laws has created high levels of tension in the past, it’s better to plan ahead. This will help you provide you with some options and hopefully prevent you from taking out your stress on each other. Whether it’s choosing to stay at a hotel instead of your in-law’s house or having a code word when you are ready to head home, respecting each other’s choice to leave at a reasonable time may help you end your night on a more positive note. 

We hope that these strategies have given you some tools to keep in your back pocket should you sense some conflict making its way into your relationship. For more information on how to handle relationship conflict, keep an eye out for our upcoming workshops. 

Are You Sabotaging Your Own Relationship?

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Sometimes, we run away from or reject relationships that are good for us due to our own limiting beliefs. Naturally, not all relationships are destined to work out. However, if you have ever chosen to start a fight or end an otherwise healthy relationship over something relatively unimportant, you might be guilty of self-sabotage. 

We may or may not recognize when we are sabotaging our relationships -- but if we find ourselves in a pattern of failed relationships, it is worth examining our beliefs and behaviors to see if self-sabotage may be contributing. In this blog post, we'll discuss how to notice when you might be engaging in self-sabotage, the types of self-sabotaging behaviors that often impact relationships, and what to do if you want to stop sabotaging your relationships.

What is Self-Sabotage?

Self-sabotage is the act of covertly damaging or ruining something we care about or that is beneficial to us, often without realizing it. In relationships, we might exhibit this behavior by saying something we don't mean to our partners, inciting inflammatory arguments, or even ending a happy and loving relationship for no good reason. This can lead to a pattern of repeated arguments and/or failed relationships that negatively impacts our happiness.

Oftentimes, we engage in self-sabotage because of negative core beliefs related to ourselves and others. We may think we are unworthy of love or that all relationships are destined to fail, leading us to think and behave in certain ways that impact our relationships. For example, if we believe all relationships are destined to fail, we may not give our partner our best effort or may even end the relationship preemptively to protect ourselves from heartbreak.

Types of Relationship Self-Sabotage

Relationship self-sabotage is not "one-size-fits-all." There are various ways in which we might sabotage our relationships depending upon our individual beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors.

Some examples of self-sabotaging behaviors that often affect people in relationships include:

• Getting into relationships with partners who have no long-term potential

• Comparing our current partner to a previous partner (or an "ideal partner")

• Being overly critical of our partners' characteristics, flaws, or mistakes

• Avoiding intimacy by holding back our thoughts and emotions when we feel vulnerable

• Inciting inflammatory arguments over small, insignificant problems or actions

• Only starting to feel uncertain about the relationship when it shows signs of progression

• Ending a relationship preemptively, before our partner can hurt us by ending it themself 

Why We Sabotage Our Relationships

Just as self-sabotage can look different to everyone, it can also come from different places. Many times, self-sabotage originates with a traumatic experience or self-limiting beliefs we hold about ourselves or about relationships.

Some examples of beliefs that can fuel self-sabotage include:

• I am not worthy of love.

• I am not good enough.

• Other people can't be trusted.

• My partners always leave me.

• Relationships never last.

• Intimacy is dangerous

• Vulnerability is weakness.

How to Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships

Now that you understand how and why you might be sabotaging your relationships, the big question is this: how do you stop engaging in self-sabotage? Many of us who self-sabotage want to enjoy healthy, lasting relationships; we simply do not know how to do this without unintentionally sabotaging ourselves.

One way to catch yourself when you engage in self-sabotage is to understand your attachment style and how it might influence your behavior in relationships. We previously posted a series of blogs about attachment styles -- give them a read to help you understand yours and how it might influence the way you behave in relationships. If you have an insecure attachment style, you might be especially likely to self-sabotage.

The process of recognizing and correcting self-sabotage is ongoing and requires constant attention to our thoughts and behaviors. It can be challenging to undergo this process on your own, but you do not need to do it alone. Therapy can help you catch and correct negative beliefs that lead to self-sabotage. Contact Life by Design Therapy today to learn how our clinicians can help you enjoy happier, healthy relationships -- without sabotaging yourself.

Interested in attachment?

Read our attachment blog series to learn how your attachment style impacts your relationship!

Five Characteristics of a Narcissistic Relationship that Can Be Mistaken for Emotional Intimacy

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Narcissistic relationships often start off on a high note, creating a false sense of emotional intimacy. An early narcissistic relationship can feel like a whirlwind, or may even convince you that you have met your soulmate. However, many of the traits we mistake for love or emotional intimacy in a narcissistic relationship are actually the result of your partner's Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). 

Whether or not you choose to stay with a narcissistic partner, it's important to understand the difference between true intimacy and narcissistic traits and behaviors. While true intimacy is not impossible in a narcissistic relationship, it may not come easily to someone struggling with NPD. Ultimately, the decision to stay in or leave a narcissistic relationship is intensely personal. In the process of evaluating the quality of your relationship, take care that you don't confuse these characteristics of NPD with emotional intimacy.

1. Fast-Paced

Narcissistic relationships often become serious quickly. Someone with NPD may seem like they are in a rush to enter a committed relationship. They may overemphasize how compatible you are early in the relationship, or say "I love you" after a short period of time. 

While these behaviors alone do not make someone a narcissist, they can be a sign that the person you're with may be trying to manufacture emotional intimacy. If you're uncomfortable with the speed the relationship is moving at, it may be a sign that something deeper is going on.

2. Intense

People with NPD often come on strong when dating someone new. If your partner struggles with NPD, they may initially "love-bomb" you, lavishing you with attention, affection, and gifts. This can leave you feeling conflicted when the negative side of NPD begins to show itself. 

It's important not to confuse this intensity with true intimacy. Some moments of stress or turmoil may be normal in a relationship, but a stable, intimate partnership should not feel like an emotional rollercoaster most of the time. 

3. Extremely Close

Feeling close to your romantic partner is, of course, normal and natural. However, it's important not to confuse a lack of boundaries with emotional intimacy. In a healthy relationship, you can still be close to your partner while maintaining other relationships with family and friends, as well as upholding boundaries that are important to you. 

Someone with NPD may make you feel bad for spending time with others or for asserting your need for space or independence. They may repeatedly violate your boundaries, even when you explicitly tell them what those boundaries are. But no matter what they say, this control is not the face of "closeness" or "intimacy." 

4. Jealous

It's normal to experience jealousy in a relationship from time to time, but a narcissistic partner may take jealousy to the extreme. Someone with NPD may use their jealousy to make unfounded accusations against you (for example, "are you cheating on me?"). Or, they may be jealous when you spend time with anyone who isn't them, including family or friends. 

Jealousy can become especially problematic in a narcissistic relationship if it leads to controlling or intrusive behavior, like reading your text messages without permission or trying to limit who you're allowed to see. Anytime that your partner's NPD causes them to exhibit abusive behavior, it's worth examining the health and happiness of your relationship.

5. Too Good To Be True

Someone with NPD may exaggerate or misrepresent themselves to you. In the early days of a relationship, they may also reflect your interests or hobbies back to you to seem like you have more in common than you actually do. Many times, narcissists do not have an emotional framework for authentic bonding, so they may rely on these gimmicks to grow close to you.

This does not mean that someone you are compatible with must be lying to you about it. However, you should always trust your instincts when they tell you someone may not be who they seem to be. If something (or someone) seems too good to be true, it probably is. Someone who claims to be your "soulmate," yet is not true to their word, definitely falls into this category.

How Your Relationship May Change Post-Pandemic

by Melody Wright, LMFT

The COVID-19 pandemic brought major changes to every area of our lives, including our romantic relationships. From new couples quarantining together to married couples coworking from home, many relationships faced momentous challenges that brought partners closer together (or pulled them apart).

As we adjust to the "new normal" post-pandemic, we can expect our relationships to further grow, shift, and evolve in novel ways. For example, we may find that our relationship has become stronger as a result of surviving a pandemic together, or that quarantining together strained our connections with our partners.

It's important to normalize all of these changes to our post-pandemic relationships. After all, the COVID-19 pandemic inflicted unprecedented trauma on a global scale, and such a dramatic experience is bound to change the way we relate to ourselves and others. Whatever you and your partner are going through, you are not alone. 

Most, if not all, romantic relationships have continued to evolve after the pandemic. Here are some of the most common changes relationships are facing post-pandemic, and how you and your partner can navigate them to bring about the best possible outcome for both individuals.

Your relationship may become stronger.

Many committed relationships, including married couples, benefited from increased time at home with their partners during the pandemic. According to survey data, 58% of couples said that the pandemic increased their appreciation for their partners, and nearly half of people in long-term relationships reported that the pandemic deepened their commitment to their partners. As a result, many couples are feeling stronger than ever after the COVID-19 pandemic. In fact, 2019 saw a 50-year low in the national divorce rate. 

The likelihood that a couple would report a stronger relationship post-pandemic appears to be tied to the quality of the relationship prior to the pandemic. In other words, strong relationships only became stronger during quarantine, while weaker relationships may have experienced more stress or conflict. Undoubtedly, many couples navigated new challenges due to the COVID-19 pandemic, such as working from home, childcare demands, and less time apart. However, the good news is that couples who were able to effectively cope with these stressors may emerge from the pandemic with a deeper appreciation for and stronger connection to their partners.

You may spend less time with your partner.

Couples who quarantined together during the pandemic became used to spending every waking moment with their significant others. The pandemic accelerated typical relationship timelines by forcing many couples to cohabitate earlier than they may have done otherwise. Couples in the early stages of relationships may have spent more time together than most people in new partnerships, while individuals in long-term relationships or marriages may have seen more of each other than they had in a while!

In some ways, the return to some semblance of "normalcy" after the pandemic may actually improve your relationship with your partner. It is certainly possible for couples to spend too much time together. The pandemic may have encouraged you to rely on your partner for multiple types of emotional nourishment, rather than seeking support from external sources like activities, friends, and family members. Going back to work and hobbies, and spending more time with other people, gives you time to miss your partner, while also taking away some of the pressure on your partner to uplift you emotionally.

In other ways, spending more time away from home may strain your relationship with your partner as you navigate increased commitments outside the house. For example, challenges regarding division of labor may emerge as you and your partner return to your regular routines. Couples with children or pets may have gotten used to dividing responsibilities in a certain way throughout the pandemic. However, as caretakers return to work, there may be disagreements about how to manage these responsibilities moving forward, with the increased demands inflicted by the return to work and other outside activities.

Your relationship may end -- and that's okay.

Not every relationship is destined to survive the post-pandemic landscape, and that's okay. Whatever your relationship experience after the COVID-19 pandemic, you are deserving of comfort and validation. If you are working through a breakup after the pandemic, you are not alone in your experience. There are many reasons why a relationship may crumble in the aftermath of quarantine, but most indicate that there were interpersonal issues originating before the pandemic that were simply revealed in the heat of the moment. 

In some cases, quarantining with a partner during the pandemic may have prolonged the shelf life of an unhealthy or unstable relationship. Other times, the pandemic may have unveiled deep-seated conflicts or differences in values that rendered the relationship unsustainable in the long-term. Whatever the reason for your separation, it's normal to experience a wide range of emotions as you come to terms with the end of any relationship, including those that may have ended due to the COVID-19 pandemic.

The silver lining in this situation is that experiencing the end of a significant relationship due to COVID-19 may change your perspective on dating in the future. According to research conducted by the dating app Hinge, many young people are approaching relationships and dating differently in the post-COVID world. Over ⅔ of Hinge users report that they are being more mindful of what kind of partner they are looking for in the long-term, and more than half say they are now looking for a serious, long-term relationship. While this may not make you feel better about the end of your relationship, it may help to know that the experience of dating during a pandemic has helped many people reflect on the quality of their relationships and make connections that are more meaningful and fulfilling to them.

References:

1. https://media.deseret.com/media/misc/pdf/afs/2020-AFS-Final-Report.pdf?_ga=2.133039110.944703945.1610115812-1901370271.1610115803,

2. https://ifstudies.org/blog/number-1-in-2020-the-us-divorce-rate-has-hit-a-50-year-low

3. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33151125/

4. https://www.purewow.com/wellness/intentional-dating

Dating a Narcissist? Here's How You Can Tell

by Melody Wright, LMFT

First, we want to acknowledge how challenging it is to be in a relationship with someone who is a narcissist or who has narcissistic behaviors. While this blog is not meant to minimize the impact of unhealthy behaviors on your relationship, we also want to be aware of mislabeling and pathologizing someone’s behaviors.  This blog is meant to provide reflection and tools to identify narcissistic behaviors of relating to others, as well as things to consider if you think you are dating a narcissist.

Relationships are hard -- but relationships with a narcissist can feel borderline impossible. If your partner struggles with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), they may have an inflated sense of self-importance and a need for attention that becomes overwhelming in your relationship.

Someone who has been diagnosed with NPD may have little regard for other people's feelings, making them challenging partners to be in a relationship with. When you're dating a narcissist, you may suffer from emotional abuse, manipulation and a lack of long-term commitment. 

Does this remind you of your romantic relationship? Here's how to tell if you might be dating a narcissist -- and what to do about it if you are dating one.

Signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

So, think you might be dating a narcissist? If you suspect your partner may have NPD, you may recognize some of the following characteristics in their behavior:

• They are condescending and believe they are better than others

• They engage in excessive attempts to seek attention and admiration from others

• Their self-esteem may be overly dependent on others and/or fluctuate with their mood

• They may set unrealistically high goals based on an inflated sense of their own performance, or hold themselves to low standards due to a sense of entitlement

• They are excessively attuned to others' reactions when it comes to themselves, but they have an impaired ability to empathize with other people

• Their relationships are largely superficial and serve to boost their self-esteem

If your partner has NPD, these traits will likely manifest themselves in your relationship. For example, a narcissistic partner might be overly critical of you, fail to value you or seek excessive attention from you in your relationship. 

What to Do If You're Dating a Narcissist

Dating a narcissist can take a toll on your self-esteem. Your partner may engage in gaslighting behavior, making you feel you are crazy or forgetful; sabotage your relationship or other friendships; turn all the blame in the relationship towards you; or even deliver intense praise, followed by verbal abuse. All of these experiences can make you begin to doubt your own reality and start to wonder if the problem is you, rather than your partner. 

So, what should you do if you suspect your partner suffers from NPD? Because NPD can take such a difficult toll on your self-esteem, it's important that you consider if this is the type of relationship you want to be in, since staying in any relationship is a choice you need to make for yourself. There are two ways you can do this: encouraging your narcissistic partner to seek help for their NPD or leaving the relationship altogether.

Encouraging Your Partner to Seek Help

It's important not to stay in a relationship with a narcissist because you feel obligated to "fix" them. However, if you decide to stay in the relationship, you should make it clear to your partner that you will not tolerate their narcissistic behaviors and that they should seek help for their NPD.

Treatment for NPD typically consists of long-term, intensive therapy that will allow your partner to come to grips with how their disorder has impacted their life and prevented them from reaching their full potential. 

You may also consider couples' therapy in addition to individual therapy for your partner's NPD since their personality disorder affects you as well as them. Involving loved ones like you in the healing process will help your partner see how their NPD has negatively affected others in their life and understand the true ramifications of their behavior.

Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship

Leaving a narcissist can feel difficult, especially since they are often charming and will shower you with praise to make up for their negative behaviors. Still, for many people, leaving a toxic, narcissistic relationship is the best option.

When leaving a narcissist, it may be best to avoid contacting your ex following the relationship. That person may try to guilt you into taking the blame for the breakup or tell you what you want to hear so you will get back together for them. Taking space from that person will allow you to repair your self-esteem and get back in touch with what you really want in a relationship. 

You may miss your narcissistic partner at first -- and that is completely normal. Even if your partner was emotionally and verbally abusive, you may have formed a deep attachment to them in the trauma of your relationship that can make it more difficult to leave them behind. Seeking help from a qualified therapist who can support you during the healing process may make it easier to recover from the fallout of the relationship.

Understanding Attachment Styles, Part II: What is Avoidant & Disorganized Attachment?

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Dr. Sue Johnson's seminal research on attachment styles and the effectiveness of Emotionally Focused Couples and Family Therapy (EFT) dates back to 1985 and continues to drive marriage and family counseling today. In the last installment of our blog series, we discussed one of the four attachment styles: anxious attachment. 

This next installment talks about two additional styles of attachment, avoidant and disorganized attachment. These two styles represent another way in which our relationships with our caregivers as children can manifest as relationship challenges later in adulthood. Read on to learn more about the avoidant and disorganized attachment styles, including how they differ from other styles of attachment and how they can manifest in romantic relationships.

THE AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE

Childhood Experiences

While some of us are blessed with parents who were completely attuned to our needs as a child, this is not the case for everyone. Unfortunately, some parents may intentionally or unintentionally neglect their children, leading the child to develop a belief that no one will be there to meet their needs.  

Let’s be clear: neglect does not have to be in the form of basic needs such as having food, water and shelter (although it sometimes is).  Emotional unavailability or unresponsiveness can impact a child as well, leading a child to play by themselves or express extreme independence from others. This characterizes the avoidant attachment style.

Growing up, someone with an avoidant attachment style may have received the message from their parents that showing emotion is a sign of weakness, leading to rejection or punishment from their caregiver. This may teach the child to feel uncomfortable expressing feelings, whether verbally or nonverbally. Many times, the child may suppress their feelings and avoid crying in order to remain close to loved ones who might otherwise reject them, allowing them to meet their need for physical closeness.

DATING SOMEONE WITH AN AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE

If you have ever dated someone who was a "commitment-phobe" or seemed distant or aloof, you may have experience dealing with an avoidant attachment style. People with an avoidant attachment style may avoid intimacy to the extreme, often reasoning their way out of closeness or complaining about feeling "suffocated" or "crowded" in a relationship. This can make it frustrating for people who want to get close to them, preventing many people with this attachment style from forming secure relationships.

Some people with an avoidant attachment style might avoid relationships altogether. They may express feelings that they do not need anyone else, or pursue a string of hookups or unserious relationships knowing that there is no chance of them falling in love with a person. Being in love with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, especially when you are not yet in a relationship with them, can, therefore, be trying. 

When engaging with an avoidant attachment style, you may see them avert their eyes from unpleasant sights or "tune out" emotional conversations. Sometimes, they might even suppress memories of negative attachment events, such as a breakup or argument. As a result, many report that they have few memories of their parents from early childhood. 

Avoidant-attached adults may also express an inflated, but fragile self-esteem, which serves as a defense mechanism. They may look at themselves in an overly positive light while being overly dismissive of others. This appearance of arrogance or even narcissism frequently masks lower self-esteem or even deep-seated feelings of self-hatred. Whenever someone challenges or fails to support their self-image, they might become excessively angry to protect themselves from feeling into the emotional pain and suffering. 

AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT RELATIONSHIP PATTERNS

The patterns we form in early childhood as a result of our caregivers persist into adulthood -- and can affect our ability to form meaningful relationships with others. People who are avoidantly attached may come across as dismissive or aloof, even though they often want to be in a romantic relationship. Despite longing for closeness, however, they will resist emotional intimacy and won't show any signs of needing it.  

People with an avoidant attachment style can come across as selfish, appearing to put their own needs in front of their partner's needs. When their partner expresses feelings or needs, they might show annoyance or disdain. It's important to remember that these reactions do not reflect their investment in the relationship; they developed this coping mechanism to navigate the so-called "emotional desert" they grew up in.

During conflicts with their partner, they may get quiet, shut down or leave the room altogether.  These individuals are use to processing situations internally and at their own pace, and often become easily overwhelmed by their partner’s stronger emotional needs.

However, it's important to remember that an avoidant attachment style is not the end of the world for a relationship. If you recognize these signs and behaviors in your partner, you can still have a satisfying, loving relationship. Building a secure relationship with your partner is possible.

THE DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT STYLE

Childhood Experiences

Disorganized attachment is recognized by some but not all members of the psychology community as another form of attachment -- Psychology Today calls it "the forgotten attachment style."

Disorganized attachment is the most intense of the four attachment styles, owing to the dire circumstances in which it develops. Disorganized attachment develops when a child experiences abuse, trauma, or chaos in the home. As a result, they learn to fear their caregivers and have no "secure base" to turn to for consistent support, emotional safety, and comfort.  

People with a disorganized attachment style oscillate between the basic human need for belonging and their drive for survival. Like those with an anxious attachment style, people with a disorganized attachment style experience lots of anxiety in relationships, have an extreme need for closeness, and fear rejection by their partners. 

DATING SOMEONE WITH A DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT STYLE

For someone who experiences disorganized attachment, developing romantic relationships can be associated with more negative emotions than positive ones. They may appear overly trusting at one moment, then overly suspicious at the next. Or, they may withdraw at a moment's notice without reason or explanation. 

Due to their history of trauma, someone with a disorganized attachment style likely finds forming relationships to be extremely difficult. Relationships require trust, and the act of learning to trust someone can be incredibly trying and understandably scary for them. They may need constant reassurance or participate in acts of self-sabotage that threaten the relationship, despite genuinely caring about another person.

DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT RELATIONSHIP PATTERNS

Disorganized attachment forms when children grow up with caregivers who are erratic or abusive in their responses to their child. As a result, many people with disorganized attachment styles do not know healthy ways to self-soothe. They may have difficulty regulating their emotions, expressing stress as anger or hostility, yet find it challenging to reach out and seek help.

Someone with a disorganized attachment style fundamentally experiences trust issues. They may find it hard to let their partners in and face difficulty forming lasting relationships with others. They often bury their emotions or suppress their past as a coping mechanism, which stands in the way of future relationship success.

In order for a person with a disorganized attachment style to learn how to be in a long-lasting relationship, they must create a coherent narrative from their memories of their childhood, no longer suppressing or burying past trauma and emotions. Developing a strong relationship with a secure partner also goes a long way toward teaching someone with a disorganized attachment style that others can be trusted. 

Therapy can be a supportive space in which you get to explore and even experience your attachment styles in action.  A skilled therapist can help you slow down and begin to uncover what’s beneath the behaviors that keeps you from having the loving relationships you want.

References & Resources

1. https://iceeft.com/about-dr-sue-johnson/

2. https://www.psychalive.org/anxious-avoidant-attachment/

3. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201904/do-you-or-your-partner-have-avoidant-attachment-pattern

4. https://www.gottman.com/blog/attachment-style-influences-success-relationship/

5. https://www.psychalive.org/disorganized-attachment/

6. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romantically-attached/201909/the-forgotten-attachment-style-disorganized-attachment

Want to learn more about attachment?

Read our full blog series to learn how your attachment style may impact your relationships!

Understanding Attachment Styles: What is Anxious Attachment?

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Our partnered relationships are such an important part of our existence.  When our relationships are thriving, we often feel on top of the world and capable of tackling anything that comes our way.  However, when our relationships are filled with constant conflict and disagreements, it’s normal to feel off our game and not like our usual selves.  

Why Is Our Attachment Style So Important?

Over 30 years of research supports Sue Johnson's Emotionally Focused Couples and Family Therapy (EFT), an approach to viewing relationships as driven by one of four attachment styles. According to EFT, our attachment styles are shaped during childhood based on our relationships with our parents and continue to affect our romantic relationships as adults.

In our blog series "Understanding Attachment Styles," we'll be helping you identify your attachment style by posting about each of the four types of attachment -- starting with today's post on anxious attachment. Here's how we characterize an anxious attachment style in EFT, and how your anxious attachment style may still affect you today.

The Anxious Attachment Style

One of the four attachment styles defined in Sue Johnson's EFT is anxious attachment. According to the Gottman Institute, anxious attachment forms when a caregiver is inconsistent in their responsiveness and availability. 

Sometimes, parents are nurturing and respond effectively to their children's distress, while other times they may be unavailable, intrusive, or misattuned.  As a result, these children may feel distrustful or suspicious of their parents' ability to consistently attune to their needs, and learn that clinging to their parents is the most effective way to get their needs met. 

Certain childhood experiences may make you more likely to develop an anxious attachment style. These experiences include early separation from a caregiver, a troubled childhood (including abuse), instances of neglect or mistreatment, or caregivers who became annoyed when their children were in distress. 

Children exposed to this type of caregiving become confused about what to expect from their parents, leading to anxiety in relationships as an adult. Someone with this attachment style frequently worries about their romantic relationships and may find it difficult to trust their partner. 

As an adult, the anxiously attached partner may seem clingy or paranoid in relationships or succumb to unhealthy relationships because they find it difficult to be alone. This type of attachment style may make a person prone to enduring abuse because they would rather be in an abusive relationship than be single. 

Anxious Attachment in a Relationship

An anxious attachment style can make romantic relationships challenging for an adult. These adults may find relationships stressful, negative, overly-emotional, or unstable. They may also feel insecure in their relationships and/or feel a strong fear of abandonment. 

When they feel they are about to be abandoned, they may cling even more tightly to their partner, which actually has the opposite effect from what they intend; rather than making their partner want to stay, they may inadvertently push their partner away by doing so. These anxious tendencies can make relationships difficult and riddled with conflict. 

If you are dating someone with an anxious attachment style, there are a few things you can do to ensure your relationship remains stable over time. For example….

• Give them frequent reassurance that you care about them and are not going to leave

• Be consistent in giving them attention

• Follow through on your promises and commitments to them

• Encourage self-awareness and self-reflection on their anxious behaviors

By being in a relationship with a secure partner, someone with an anxious attachment style can learn to become more secure in their relationships and overcome the difficulties of their inconsistent upbringing. Working with a therapist or counselor who is trained in EFT can also help the anxious partner overcome their anxieties to have a happier, more fulfilling relationship.

Anxious attachment can present challenges in any relationship, but that does not mean that someone with an anxious attachment style is doomed to have difficult or unhappy relationships forever. By noticing their anxious behaviors and working to change them into more secure ones, a partner with an anxious attachment style can overcome these challenges to develop a happy, stable, and healthy romantic relationship.

Interested in other attachment styles?

Read our entire attachment series to learn more!

The Modern Rules of Couples Therapy

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Relationships are important and require care, quality time, and secure attachment to be healthy ones. The choices we make and the responses we give one another set the tone in our relationships. Sometimes the increasing demands of daily living tax couples, leaving little emotional overhead for the most important ones in our lives. Often when there is conflict, this contributes to adverse reactions, thoughts, and feelings.

Who is the Modern Couple?

Times have changed in terms of the shift in traditional relationships. Today, more women are in the workforce, and more men have shifted to stay at home roles for the children. In addition, we have more same-sex, gender non-conforming, and poly-amorous couples who are navigating relationships and the various roles of parenting, managing household chores and juggling financial responsibilities. With these shifts in our society brings less exclusivity in roles between partners and those who are or decide to become parents.

Modern couples have less defined roles that may be exciting and a refreshing way of supporting one another; this can also bring complex challenges for each partner. Aspects such as vulnerability expectations and being emotionally available to their partners may be challenging.

While women have been traditionally viewed as more emotional; increased demands from relationships, children and career choices add more pressures. This too can affect a woman’s emotional availability if she is feeling overwhelmed or unsupported.

Relationships Need Care

If your relationship does not receive the attention it needs to thrive and grow, distance, and detachment takes over. If you have old wounds, this too will be a contributing factor to the breakdown and emotional distance in your marriage or partnership. Couples may end up feeling hurt, angry, or isolated and give up.

Human beings need secure attachments and made to feel unconditionally loved in their relationships. When we feel hurt, fear can move in and reduce the attachment to whom we love. Sometimes we are so caught up in our responses and thoughts; We lose sight in how it affects the one person we love the most.

How Holistic & Somatic Therapy Can Help The Modern Couple

When you can identify your body’s responses to your thoughts and emotions, it becomes easier to define your triggers and how they affect you and your relationship. Things such as sweaty palms, or ‘fight or flight’ response can be some indicators. For example, yelling, crying, a burst of anger, and even leaving the room or shutting down all point to the ‘fight or flight’ responses to those who are struggling to deal with challenges in relationships. This leaves the other partner scared, confused, and hurt.

To understand your own physical and emotional reactions, you must acknowledge them and be in the moment. Somatic therapy is learning to be mindful and more present. This can provide a better insight into how you and your partner are affected by those responses.

Holistic therapy can also support you and your partner in couples counseling. Holistic therapy provides insight and ways to respond to your partner that fosters a secure attachment. This is possible when we understand our responses and feel safe to express them. With mutual understanding, couples can learn better ways of supporting one another.

With unconditional love and support, being in the moment and altering interactions will better your relationship. Couples therapy may incorporate focusing on the patterns and cycles you and your partner have that keep you stuck having the same argument repeatedly. By beginning to bring mindful awareness to your patterns as a couple, you can make shifts in your interactions for the better. In addition, couples therapy has the potential to rebuild the genuine bond you once had and possibly a stronger one.

Life By Design Therapy Is Ready to Support the Modern Couple

When you come in for marriage counseling or couples therapy, we practice the somatic approach of being in the moment during sessions. While we want you to be comfortable in the session, change is vital for growth. There may be a time we will encourage you to be mindful, use expressive arts, movement, or being aware of your breathing, all while respecting your comfort.

Coming in for couples’ therapy will provide the understanding to work through these feelings. It is possible to heal and feel connected in your relationship with your partner again. Our somatic and holistic therapists at Life By Design are here to support you in couples therapy and answer any questions you have. Let us guide your relationship to a greater understanding and acceptance. Whether you need to work through minor key issues or several, Life By Design Therapy is here. You can connect with us in Berkeley and Richmond, California. Call today for a better tomorrow.

Therapy Reflections

1. How satisfied are you in your current relationship?

2. How do you and your partner communicate hurts or disappointments?

3. How comfortable are you with being vulnerable?

4. Are there any areas in your relationship that you would like to be improved?

Interested in attachment?

Read our attachment blog series to learn more about how your attachment style impacts your relationships!