Understanding Attachment Styles, Part II: What is Avoidant & Disorganized Attachment?

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Dr. Sue Johnson's seminal research on attachment styles and the effectiveness of Emotionally Focused Couples and Family Therapy (EFT) dates back to 1985 and continues to drive marriage and family counseling today. In the last installment of our blog series, we discussed one of the four attachment styles: anxious attachment. 

This next installment talks about two additional styles of attachment, avoidant and disorganized attachment. These two styles represent another way in which our relationships with our caregivers as children can manifest as relationship challenges later in adulthood. Read on to learn more about the avoidant and disorganized attachment styles, including how they differ from other styles of attachment and how they can manifest in romantic relationships.

THE AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE

Childhood Experiences

While some of us are blessed with parents who were completely attuned to our needs as a child, this is not the case for everyone. Unfortunately, some parents may intentionally or unintentionally neglect their children, leading the child to develop a belief that no one will be there to meet their needs.  

Let’s be clear: neglect does not have to be in the form of basic needs such as having food, water and shelter (although it sometimes is).  Emotional unavailability or unresponsiveness can impact a child as well, leading a child to play by themselves or express extreme independence from others. This characterizes the avoidant attachment style.

Growing up, someone with an avoidant attachment style may have received the message from their parents that showing emotion is a sign of weakness, leading to rejection or punishment from their caregiver. This may teach the child to feel uncomfortable expressing feelings, whether verbally or nonverbally. Many times, the child may suppress their feelings and avoid crying in order to remain close to loved ones who might otherwise reject them, allowing them to meet their need for physical closeness.

DATING SOMEONE WITH AN AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE

If you have ever dated someone who was a "commitment-phobe" or seemed distant or aloof, you may have experience dealing with an avoidant attachment style. People with an avoidant attachment style may avoid intimacy to the extreme, often reasoning their way out of closeness or complaining about feeling "suffocated" or "crowded" in a relationship. This can make it frustrating for people who want to get close to them, preventing many people with this attachment style from forming secure relationships.

Some people with an avoidant attachment style might avoid relationships altogether. They may express feelings that they do not need anyone else, or pursue a string of hookups or unserious relationships knowing that there is no chance of them falling in love with a person. Being in love with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, especially when you are not yet in a relationship with them, can, therefore, be trying. 

When engaging with an avoidant attachment style, you may see them avert their eyes from unpleasant sights or "tune out" emotional conversations. Sometimes, they might even suppress memories of negative attachment events, such as a breakup or argument. As a result, many report that they have few memories of their parents from early childhood. 

Avoidant-attached adults may also express an inflated, but fragile self-esteem, which serves as a defense mechanism. They may look at themselves in an overly positive light while being overly dismissive of others. This appearance of arrogance or even narcissism frequently masks lower self-esteem or even deep-seated feelings of self-hatred. Whenever someone challenges or fails to support their self-image, they might become excessively angry to protect themselves from feeling into the emotional pain and suffering. 

AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT RELATIONSHIP PATTERNS

The patterns we form in early childhood as a result of our caregivers persist into adulthood -- and can affect our ability to form meaningful relationships with others. People who are avoidantly attached may come across as dismissive or aloof, even though they often want to be in a romantic relationship. Despite longing for closeness, however, they will resist emotional intimacy and won't show any signs of needing it.  

People with an avoidant attachment style can come across as selfish, appearing to put their own needs in front of their partner's needs. When their partner expresses feelings or needs, they might show annoyance or disdain. It's important to remember that these reactions do not reflect their investment in the relationship; they developed this coping mechanism to navigate the so-called "emotional desert" they grew up in.

During conflicts with their partner, they may get quiet, shut down or leave the room altogether.  These individuals are use to processing situations internally and at their own pace, and often become easily overwhelmed by their partner’s stronger emotional needs.

However, it's important to remember that an avoidant attachment style is not the end of the world for a relationship. If you recognize these signs and behaviors in your partner, you can still have a satisfying, loving relationship. Building a secure relationship with your partner is possible.

THE DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT STYLE

Childhood Experiences

Disorganized attachment is recognized by some but not all members of the psychology community as another form of attachment -- Psychology Today calls it "the forgotten attachment style."

Disorganized attachment is the most intense of the four attachment styles, owing to the dire circumstances in which it develops. Disorganized attachment develops when a child experiences abuse, trauma, or chaos in the home. As a result, they learn to fear their caregivers and have no "secure base" to turn to for consistent support, emotional safety, and comfort.  

People with a disorganized attachment style oscillate between the basic human need for belonging and their drive for survival. Like those with an anxious attachment style, people with a disorganized attachment style experience lots of anxiety in relationships, have an extreme need for closeness, and fear rejection by their partners. 

DATING SOMEONE WITH A DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT STYLE

For someone who experiences disorganized attachment, developing romantic relationships can be associated with more negative emotions than positive ones. They may appear overly trusting at one moment, then overly suspicious at the next. Or, they may withdraw at a moment's notice without reason or explanation. 

Due to their history of trauma, someone with a disorganized attachment style likely finds forming relationships to be extremely difficult. Relationships require trust, and the act of learning to trust someone can be incredibly trying and understandably scary for them. They may need constant reassurance or participate in acts of self-sabotage that threaten the relationship, despite genuinely caring about another person.

DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT RELATIONSHIP PATTERNS

Disorganized attachment forms when children grow up with caregivers who are erratic or abusive in their responses to their child. As a result, many people with disorganized attachment styles do not know healthy ways to self-soothe. They may have difficulty regulating their emotions, expressing stress as anger or hostility, yet find it challenging to reach out and seek help.

Someone with a disorganized attachment style fundamentally experiences trust issues. They may find it hard to let their partners in and face difficulty forming lasting relationships with others. They often bury their emotions or suppress their past as a coping mechanism, which stands in the way of future relationship success.

In order for a person with a disorganized attachment style to learn how to be in a long-lasting relationship, they must create a coherent narrative from their memories of their childhood, no longer suppressing or burying past trauma and emotions. Developing a strong relationship with a secure partner also goes a long way toward teaching someone with a disorganized attachment style that others can be trusted. 

Therapy can be a supportive space in which you get to explore and even experience your attachment styles in action.  A skilled therapist can help you slow down and begin to uncover what’s beneath the behaviors that keeps you from having the loving relationships you want.

References & Resources

1. https://iceeft.com/about-dr-sue-johnson/

2. https://www.psychalive.org/anxious-avoidant-attachment/

3. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201904/do-you-or-your-partner-have-avoidant-attachment-pattern

4. https://www.gottman.com/blog/attachment-style-influences-success-relationship/

5. https://www.psychalive.org/disorganized-attachment/

6. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romantically-attached/201909/the-forgotten-attachment-style-disorganized-attachment

Want to learn more about attachment?

Read our full blog series to learn how your attachment style may impact your relationships!

Understanding Attachment Styles: What is Anxious Attachment?

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Our partnered relationships are such an important part of our existence.  When our relationships are thriving, we often feel on top of the world and capable of tackling anything that comes our way.  However, when our relationships are filled with constant conflict and disagreements, it’s normal to feel off our game and not like our usual selves.  

Why Is Our Attachment Style So Important?

Over 30 years of research supports Sue Johnson's Emotionally Focused Couples and Family Therapy (EFT), an approach to viewing relationships as driven by one of four attachment styles. According to EFT, our attachment styles are shaped during childhood based on our relationships with our parents and continue to affect our romantic relationships as adults.

In our blog series "Understanding Attachment Styles," we'll be helping you identify your attachment style by posting about each of the four types of attachment -- starting with today's post on anxious attachment. Here's how we characterize an anxious attachment style in EFT, and how your anxious attachment style may still affect you today.

The Anxious Attachment Style

One of the four attachment styles defined in Sue Johnson's EFT is anxious attachment. According to the Gottman Institute, anxious attachment forms when a caregiver is inconsistent in their responsiveness and availability. 

Sometimes, parents are nurturing and respond effectively to their children's distress, while other times they may be unavailable, intrusive, or misattuned.  As a result, these children may feel distrustful or suspicious of their parents' ability to consistently attune to their needs, and learn that clinging to their parents is the most effective way to get their needs met. 

Certain childhood experiences may make you more likely to develop an anxious attachment style. These experiences include early separation from a caregiver, a troubled childhood (including abuse), instances of neglect or mistreatment, or caregivers who became annoyed when their children were in distress. 

Children exposed to this type of caregiving become confused about what to expect from their parents, leading to anxiety in relationships as an adult. Someone with this attachment style frequently worries about their romantic relationships and may find it difficult to trust their partner. 

As an adult, the anxiously attached partner may seem clingy or paranoid in relationships or succumb to unhealthy relationships because they find it difficult to be alone. This type of attachment style may make a person prone to enduring abuse because they would rather be in an abusive relationship than be single. 

Anxious Attachment in a Relationship

An anxious attachment style can make romantic relationships challenging for an adult. These adults may find relationships stressful, negative, overly-emotional, or unstable. They may also feel insecure in their relationships and/or feel a strong fear of abandonment. 

When they feel they are about to be abandoned, they may cling even more tightly to their partner, which actually has the opposite effect from what they intend; rather than making their partner want to stay, they may inadvertently push their partner away by doing so. These anxious tendencies can make relationships difficult and riddled with conflict. 

If you are dating someone with an anxious attachment style, there are a few things you can do to ensure your relationship remains stable over time. For example….

• Give them frequent reassurance that you care about them and are not going to leave

• Be consistent in giving them attention

• Follow through on your promises and commitments to them

• Encourage self-awareness and self-reflection on their anxious behaviors

By being in a relationship with a secure partner, someone with an anxious attachment style can learn to become more secure in their relationships and overcome the difficulties of their inconsistent upbringing. Working with a therapist or counselor who is trained in EFT can also help the anxious partner overcome their anxieties to have a happier, more fulfilling relationship.

Anxious attachment can present challenges in any relationship, but that does not mean that someone with an anxious attachment style is doomed to have difficult or unhappy relationships forever. By noticing their anxious behaviors and working to change them into more secure ones, a partner with an anxious attachment style can overcome these challenges to develop a happy, stable, and healthy romantic relationship.

Interested in other attachment styles?

Read our entire attachment series to learn more!

Nonviolent Communication (NVC), An Introduction

By Ashley Gregory, LMFT

Personal Beginnings

My initial reaction to learning Nonviolent Communication (NVC) was piercing skepticism. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg was required reading for a service learning internship during my early college years. It took considerable effort to overcome my resistance to opening the blue book with an image of the Earth surrounded by the petals of a yellow daisy on the cover. I finally cracked the book open as I considered how important it was for me to keep up with my job expectations. One of the first lines from the book that I noticed was: “Through its emphasis on deep listening--to ourselves as well as others--NVC fosters respect, attentiveness, and empathy, and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart” (p.4). As NVC began to resonate with me, I also soon discovered that putting it into practice was considerably more challenging than reading about it. About 17 years later, the copy I still reference is the very same marked up 2nd edition, littered with bright blue highlighter throughout. 

For one of my first jobs after graduating college, I piloted a conflict mediation program for middle schoolers drawing upon the principles of NVC. Floating above our heads in my classroom at the time were bright blue and white clouds I made from cardboard and attached to the ceiling. Upon each cloud I wrote a basic human need--part of the foundation of NVC--in English on one side and Spanish on the other. A dedicated group of sixth, seventh and eighth graders meet weekly to learn and practice the concepts and principles of NVC. Over time, these young people found ways to make sense of NVC in their own ways and worked to create a school with more connection and empathy. I look back very fondly on these memories. Sadly, the program survived less than two school years due to budget cuts. Still, I believe the experience offered our school an opportunity to grow. 

The NVC Model

NVC is a heart-centered practice. It is a way to connect with and deeply understand one’s self and one another. Marshall Rosenberg describes the four components of the NVC model with an acronym, “OFNR,” pronounced “off-ner.” It stands for Observation, Feeling, Needs and Request. The place I usually begin with is the concept of Needs. 

In NVC, every human being has Needs. 

The major categories of Needs, as well as a few examples within each category, are as follows: 

Autonomy (choice) 
Physical Nurturance (including air, food, movement, water, sexual expression and touch to name a few)
Celebration (of life and loss) 
Integrity (meaning, self-worth) 
Play (fun, laughter) 
Spiritual Communion (order, peace, beauty)
Interdependence (community, acceptance, empathy). 

One of the fundamental concepts in NVC is that our feelings are related to whether our needs are or are not met. Slowing down enough to consider your own Needs, or to empathize with the possible Needs of another, is essential. 

Feelings are trailheads to needs. 

One practice I have implemented for myself, as well as within my psychotherapy practice, is to simply read the lists of feelings words within my NVC book. Feelings are like colors, the more variety to choose from the better. NVC emphasises feelings when our needs are met and feelings when our needs are not met. For example, feelings when our needs are met may include interested, grateful, playful, peaceful, affectionate and hopeful. When our needs are not met, we may feel agitated, confused, disconnected, sad, scared, vulnerable. Notice how feelings are not categorized as “good” or “bad,” “positive or negative.” Feelings just are. For examples, someone may feel “perplexed” when their need for meaning is not met, or “refreshed” when their need for peace is met. 

Observations, not evaluations

Observations are very specific details about behaviors. “The trick,” Rosenberg states, “is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation” (6). In practicing observations, I try to pretend my perspective is a camera lens, perceiving information available to an inanimate object. In other words, “Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons, and diagnoses are all forms of judgement” (15). For example, saying “you are a procrastinator” is a judgemental label, whereas saying “you arrived past our agreed upon time the last five times out of six” is an observation. 

Requests are about connecting: Win-Win situations

Finally, Requests are open-ended questions with a concrete goal. An example of an NVC process goes as follows: “When you enter my room without asking me first, I feel alarmed because I need safety. Would you be willing to knock before entering my room?” When making requests, it is very important to consider that your request may be denied, in other words, someone may say “no.” In this case, you begin again with the NVC process, starting with Observations, followed by Feelings, Needs and another Request, until a mutual agreement is achieved.

Looking Ahead

For me, practicing and embodying NVC is a life-long process. It is a tool, a way of relating to myself and others as well as an outlook on humans’ ability to share our experiences deeply to create a more harmonious world. Working with an NVC-inspired therapist may offer you a felt sense of how to connect with your own needs and empathize with the needs of others. I practice NVC with individuals and those in relationships with one another to nourish compassionate well-being. 

**BayNVC.org is where I found an NVC practice “home,” somewhere to refer to for insight and consistency. I find BayNVC’s commitment to transparency around power and privilege particularly inspiring.