Nonviolent Communication (NVC), An Introduction

By Ashley Gregory, LMFT

Personal Beginnings

My initial reaction to learning Nonviolent Communication (NVC) was piercing skepticism. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg was required reading for a service learning internship during my early college years. It took considerable effort to overcome my resistance to opening the blue book with an image of the Earth surrounded by the petals of a yellow daisy on the cover. I finally cracked the book open as I considered how important it was for me to keep up with my job expectations. One of the first lines from the book that I noticed was: “Through its emphasis on deep listening--to ourselves as well as others--NVC fosters respect, attentiveness, and empathy, and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart” (p.4). As NVC began to resonate with me, I also soon discovered that putting it into practice was considerably more challenging than reading about it. About 17 years later, the copy I still reference is the very same marked up 2nd edition, littered with bright blue highlighter throughout. 

For one of my first jobs after graduating college, I piloted a conflict mediation program for middle schoolers drawing upon the principles of NVC. Floating above our heads in my classroom at the time were bright blue and white clouds I made from cardboard and attached to the ceiling. Upon each cloud I wrote a basic human need--part of the foundation of NVC--in English on one side and Spanish on the other. A dedicated group of sixth, seventh and eighth graders meet weekly to learn and practice the concepts and principles of NVC. Over time, these young people found ways to make sense of NVC in their own ways and worked to create a school with more connection and empathy. I look back very fondly on these memories. Sadly, the program survived less than two school years due to budget cuts. Still, I believe the experience offered our school an opportunity to grow. 

The NVC Model

NVC is a heart-centered practice. It is a way to connect with and deeply understand one’s self and one another. Marshall Rosenberg describes the four components of the NVC model with an acronym, “OFNR,” pronounced “off-ner.” It stands for Observation, Feeling, Needs and Request. The place I usually begin with is the concept of Needs. 

In NVC, every human being has Needs. 

The major categories of Needs, as well as a few examples within each category, are as follows: 

Autonomy (choice) 
Physical Nurturance (including air, food, movement, water, sexual expression and touch to name a few)
Celebration (of life and loss) 
Integrity (meaning, self-worth) 
Play (fun, laughter) 
Spiritual Communion (order, peace, beauty)
Interdependence (community, acceptance, empathy). 

One of the fundamental concepts in NVC is that our feelings are related to whether our needs are or are not met. Slowing down enough to consider your own Needs, or to empathize with the possible Needs of another, is essential. 

Feelings are trailheads to needs. 

One practice I have implemented for myself, as well as within my psychotherapy practice, is to simply read the lists of feelings words within my NVC book. Feelings are like colors, the more variety to choose from the better. NVC emphasises feelings when our needs are met and feelings when our needs are not met. For example, feelings when our needs are met may include interested, grateful, playful, peaceful, affectionate and hopeful. When our needs are not met, we may feel agitated, confused, disconnected, sad, scared, vulnerable. Notice how feelings are not categorized as “good” or “bad,” “positive or negative.” Feelings just are. For examples, someone may feel “perplexed” when their need for meaning is not met, or “refreshed” when their need for peace is met. 

Observations, not evaluations

Observations are very specific details about behaviors. “The trick,” Rosenberg states, “is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation” (6). In practicing observations, I try to pretend my perspective is a camera lens, perceiving information available to an inanimate object. In other words, “Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons, and diagnoses are all forms of judgement” (15). For example, saying “you are a procrastinator” is a judgemental label, whereas saying “you arrived past our agreed upon time the last five times out of six” is an observation. 

Requests are about connecting: Win-Win situations

Finally, Requests are open-ended questions with a concrete goal. An example of an NVC process goes as follows: “When you enter my room without asking me first, I feel alarmed because I need safety. Would you be willing to knock before entering my room?” When making requests, it is very important to consider that your request may be denied, in other words, someone may say “no.” In this case, you begin again with the NVC process, starting with Observations, followed by Feelings, Needs and another Request, until a mutual agreement is achieved.

Looking Ahead

For me, practicing and embodying NVC is a life-long process. It is a tool, a way of relating to myself and others as well as an outlook on humans’ ability to share our experiences deeply to create a more harmonious world. Working with an NVC-inspired therapist may offer you a felt sense of how to connect with your own needs and empathize with the needs of others. I practice NVC with individuals and those in relationships with one another to nourish compassionate well-being. 

**BayNVC.org is where I found an NVC practice “home,” somewhere to refer to for insight and consistency. I find BayNVC’s commitment to transparency around power and privilege particularly inspiring.

Routine Must-Haves to Get Through Working from Home

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Picture this: You're at home. Your partner is at home. Your kids are at home -- and feeling cooped up at that. And on top of it all, you're expected to be productive while working from home, as if nothing was going on in your life outside of work.

For many of us, this has become our reality. The changes that COVID-19 has brought have created a huge shift in the way we live our lives, both at home and at work. Many of us are struggling to grocery shop and stay connected with friends, let alone get any work done…. 

But that's okay. One of the benefits of going through a global pandemic (if there are any) is that everyone is going through the same changes that you are! All of our lives have been turned upside down -- and we're all trying to figure this out together.

That brings me to something important that I've discovered: the importance of routine. As our lives are shaken and stirred like a dirty martini, many of us have lost the activities in our life that used to give us structure. Our kids are no longer going to school, we're no longer working from the office and the regular workouts, happy hours and therapy appointments that kept us sane have all been flipped on their head.

I've found that it's important to create our own sense of routine and structure in our lives to bring a sense of control back into the chaos -- and in the interest of sticking together during these trying times, I want to share with you my best tips for creating a work-from-home routine that allows you to be as productive as possible despite the craziness of our lives.

Define clear work (or study) hours

Working in an office makes it easy to set boundaries: when you're in the office, you're working and when you're home, you're home. These lines easily become blurred when we start working from home -- and soon you may find yourself checking your work email at the dinner table. 

Whether you determine your own work schedule or have set hours, it's important to stick to those hours to create boundaries, even while working from home. When you know when you're working, you're able to be more productive during that time -- and when you know you're off, you're really off, spending time with the people and activities that make you happy.

Schedule time to eat and hydrate!

Now is not the time to neglect basic self-care needs like eating regular meals and drinking water. Make sure you schedule meal times and breaks for coffee, tea and/or water into your day to help you stay happy, healthy and hydrated! 

Get away from the screen

For many of us, screens are our only way to connect with the world around us. Whether it's Facetiming with a friend or checking in with a family member on social media, I recognize the importance of screen time to maintaining social connections in our new reality. 

Still, that doesn't mean you shouldn't set boundaries when it comes to screen time. Especially given the weight of current events, it's important to schedule time away from our screens -- and away from news of the coronavirus -- for our mental and physical health. Take frequent breaks from your computer, phone or television, and don't hesitate to take an extended break from the news or from social media if needed.

Reach out to friends and family

Social distancing should not mean social isolation! Humans are naturally social creatures. Social connections are a huge part of what gives our lives meaning, which is why it's important to schedule time to reach out to family and friends during this time. Checking in with family and friends not only benefits you, but also allows you to see how others are doing and offer them much-needed support and encouragement.

Do something you love

Balance is key when it comes to managing the current world situation. Working 24/7 might seem tempting when your laptop is always a few steps away, but it's important to make time for things that bring you joy. 

What's a hobby you love that you haven't had time to do for the past couple of months? One of the benefits of social distancing is that you now have all the time in the world for the things you love to do! Whether it's reading a book, taking a bubble bath or starting a new creative project -- or, heck, even playing video games -- create space to take care of yourself in these uncertain times.

Slow down and reflect

There is so much going on in the world around us. The coronavirus situation is evolving rapidly, so quickly that we feel as if we can never keep up. Our bodies and psyches need time to adjust to all this news, uncertainty and trauma. As tempting as it may be to keep pushing forward, your body and mind need time and space to reflect on how you are feeling and how you are being impacted by these changes.

Get enough sleep

Enough said. You have no excuse to go to bed too late or wake up too early now. Social distancing (and working from home) offers the perfect opportunity to get that full six to eight hours your body has been craving.

Spend time in nature

When so many of us are feeling cooped up indoors, it's essential to take time to get outside and reconnect with nature. Settling into stagnancy may feel tempting right now, but getting outside and moving your body gently (if you are able to) is one of the most important things you can do for your mind, body and spirit. 

Hopefully, these tips will allow you to build a structured routine into your day, helping you be more productive yet still set boundaries while working from home. Most of all, however, I want to emphasize the importance of showing yourself compassion and kindness during these times. 

Not every day is going to be perfect. You can't expect that from yourself right now. But as long as you're trying your best and showing yourself compassion, you'll be better off.

As a reminder, if you’re needing additional support to overcome feelings of anxiety, depression or dealing with family conflicts, please reach out to learn more about how we can help.

Four Practices for Sharing Your "Shelter"

By Ashley Gregory, LMFT

As many have pointed out recently, “social distancing” does not have to mean keeping ourselves emotionally isolated. The precautions we are being asked to take are more accurately described as “physical distancing.” In fact, emotional connection may be incredibly powerful in getting us all through the uncertainties we face. It is true that the “shelter in place” guidelines mean less opportunities to be physically close with people outside of our household. Yet, perhaps in some ways, we may be open to building deeper intimacy with one another. 

On a walk recently, my partner and I passed by a home that had a sizable front yard with two dogs running around in it. Two women sat on the porch, noticed us, and began a conversation. We introduced ourselves and were delighted to be able to say we are neighbors. Throughout our encounter, we learned that the grandmother was initially visiting for a short time, but plans changed once the “shelter in place” order went into effect. Now, unexpectedly, three generations are sharing a home together for an undetermined amount of time. Families, partners, friends and most likely even acquaintances are navigating various arrangements out of necessity. 

In hopes of creating ease during these difficult times, here are four practices to consider implementing in your relationships. 

1. Be as gentle as you are able with yourself and those you live with. It is okay to be feeling all kinds of confused right now. I was recently reminded that we are all, in some ways, children in this experience.* You and those in your household may need extra space, extra comfort (think pillows, blankets and teddy bears!) or extra uplift (cute baby animal videos?) during this time. Even seemingly small gestures of reassurance may make a big difference. For example, you may want to take a moment to really look at a picture of someone who cares about you. Or remember a time in your life when you felt powerful, grounded or calm to remind you of who you are and what is important to you. 

2. Have difficult conversations in as much in advance as possible. Living with others can be challenging as it is, let alone when there is a public health mandate to stay inside. If you know there are certain “hot button” issues that have been stressful in the past, now is the time to work things out as best you can with the information you have. If you don’t have all of the information you need then it’s okay to wait until you do. Allow yourself to take things one day at a time as much as you are able. You may find ease by acknowledging that you just don’t have the information you need at the moment and making a plan to address the topic when more information is available.

Another approach is to reflect on hard conversations that have gone well before; perhaps those circumstances can be replicated (to some extent) again? Did you start the conversation with a personal check-in? Was it over a meal? What are the details that may create a bit more ease? Even lighting can have a calming effect--candlelight does not have to be reserved for the romantic moments. What about doing an activity together, like a puzzle or a game, after the conversation?

3. Invite curiosity. Everyone’s “stuff” will be heightened at this time. Take space to be curious about and then acknowledge what the “go to” patterns are in the household and name them with one another. Oftentimes, naming our patterns can offer some relief. It can be very vulnerable to talk about patterns of avoidance or shutting down. Again, gentleness for yourself and others can create the space for trust to be built and nourished. 

4. Create household rituals. Amidst all of the chaos of the outside world, how might you and those around you create rituals of care and ease. Do you and the person/s you live with enjoy having tea together? Perhaps saying “good morning” and “goodnight” to one another every day would be a connecting practice? What motivates and inspires you and your shelter-mates? How might these ideas shape your household rituals?

MAY YOU BRING THESE IDEAS INTO YOUR DAILY PRACTICE IN ANY WAY THAT MEETS YOUR NEEDS. 

*Thank you you to Bonnie Goldstein of Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute

5 Things to Expect in Your First Online Therapy Session

By Dr Nia

In the time of coronavirus, we are all adjusting to many stressors: concern about our health and that of our loved ones, school or workplace closures,and financial worries, among others. Many people are experiencing understandable increases in anxiety, depression, and social isolation. Fortunately, online sessions (also known as teletherapy) are an option for staying connected while observing the guidelines around social distancing. Video or phone sessions can allow you to maintain the connection you have with your therapist or develop a new relationship if you are seeking therapy for the first time.  

1. Consent: Similar rules apply in online sessions as in the actual therapy room. The first is that you provide informed consent. This means you agree to treatment and participate willingly, you are aware of the risks/benefits, and you can withdraw from treatment at any time. Your therapist will obtain your consent and make sure to answer any questions you have. Also, your therapist will ask where you are located, since we can only practice in states where we are licensed. 

2. Confidentiality: Another rule is confidentiality, which means your therapist will keep what you share between you, with a few exceptions (child or elder abuse, danger to self/others, and court orders). On your end, it’s helpful to have a private area where you can speak freely. Using earbuds/headphones can improve privacy and sound quality. For added security during your sessions, turn off smart devices, like Alexa, that may be “listening” even when not in use. It can be helpful to let family and other folks know you have an appointment that requires your attention. Children and pets often require our attention so it’s okay if you need to step away. A private space is not always possible but perhaps an option like the family car can work. Rest assured that your therapist will problem-solve with you if you are having trouble finding a confidential space. In my previous work in community mental health, I had sessions with clients in nontraditional locations. This included places like parks, Starbucks, and in one last-minute bind with a hungry kiddo, a Burger King! Although not ideal, we are all having to be more flexible in these times, so try to offer yourself compassion and be creative, while upholding your own confidentiality. 

3. Space: The physical space in a therapy office often creates a feeling immediately when you walk in. Your therapist has likely put a lot of thought into things like furniture, lighting, and even artwork, in order to create a space that feels comfortable and inviting. The benefit of online sessions is you have control over creating this space for yourself. When considering what can help you to feel most at ease during an online therapy session, think about your 5 senses. Would you like a soft throw pillow on your lap or to have a warm drink? Maybe you’d like to light a candle with your favorite scent? Notice how your body feels in the space during the session and make adjustments based on what brings you a sense of calm. 

4. #Awkward: It’s okay to feel a bit apprehensive when doing online therapy for the first time. Normally, interacting in a video format is reserved for friends and family or for work. Online therapy can feel too personal or not personal enough at the same time. There may be times when there are long pauses or eye contact feels too intense. It’s normal to feel self-conscious about seeing yourself on-screen (this comes up a lot with teens). It can help to place a sticky note over your picture and focus on your therapist’s friendly face. You can experiment with different things to help you feel more comfortable, such as angles, distance, and lighting. You and your therapist will work together and gradually develop a rhythm for your online sessions. 

5. Technical difficulties: Despite all our best efforts, these will happen! And when they happen in therapy, they can be ill-timed and cause frustration. Remember to take deep breaths. These challenges are expected and no one is to blame. Closing down other programs on your laptop or phone can help improve your internet connection. As a last resort, you and your therapist may decide to have a phone session. Together, you and your therapist can navigate these difficulties and have an ongoing conversation about how they impact your therapeutic relationship. 

Therapy reflections

1. If this is your first time in therapy, how do you think an online session might be different from in person? What worries or concerns do you have? 

2. If you previously met with your therapist in person, what did you like about the physical space? Is there anything you’d change? 

3. What challenges do you foresee in your online therapy process and how can you plan ahead to work through them?

4. What tools can you use in your own space to create a sense of safety and comfort? 

I hope these tips help you feel more prepared for your video or phone sessions.

16 Ways You Can Reduce Anxiety Today

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Life can move at a fast pace and the inertia can take over, leaving us feeling empty without the steam to go any further.  What exactly is anxiety? Anxiety is an overwhelming feeling that interferes with daily life. To each person, the experience is different and can be caused by public speaking, test taking or starting a new job or school. 

Sometimes anxiety can take over, but the good news is, there are quick and simple steps you can take to settle your anxiety, think better and feel refreshed.

Best Anxiety Reducing Habits

1. Yoga- Aside from the anxiety-reducing benefits of yoga, it also has other positive side effects, such as a better quality of sleep and circulation. 

2. Dance- If you are feeling anxious, try dance. Enroll in a class such as jazz, tap, and ballet; or take friends and dance for fun. 

3. Massage- For stiff or tight muscles from strain or tension, a 30 minute to an hour massage can help reduce tension so you can relax. 

4. Meditation-  Calming the mind from thoughts that produce anxiety is another way. Find a quiet place wherever you are and practice meditation. There are also free apps that can help you focus and meditate. 

5. Counting down from Ten- The rules your mom mentioned about counting to ten still works. If you are feeling overwhelmed, excuse yourself and take a few moments away. Count down from 10 while being conscious of your breathing. 

6. Awareness- As much as the term seems trivial, it is amazing how often we don’t realize how certain people and situations impact our physical, mental and emotional well-being. Remember self-care and assessment; listen to your body’s cues to situations. 

7. Focus your breathing- While you are meditating and taking a moment, practice deep breathing in through your nose and slowly exhale through your mouth. Increasing the oxygen to your body helps ease the symptoms of anxiety. 

8. Connect to Earth-  Make a routine of getting outside, practice yoga or meditation outside. Reading in the park is a break from technology and a good time for fresh air. 

9. Go for a walk- Even if it's for 15 minutes, walking will do wonders for your physical and emotional well-being. Thus giving your mind a chance to rest. Bring your partner or even your pet and make this a healthy habit. 

10. Drink water- Dehydration contributes to a lack of mental and physical function. Make sure you are getting enough each day and more during extra physical activities and during the summer when the heat has increased.

11. Decrease screen time before bed-  light stimulates our eyes. Allow yourself time away from electronics and television before bed so you can fall asleep easier. 

12. Baths- Raising your body temperature eases anxiety and reduces tension in the muscles. Adding Epsom salt with essential oils such as lavender and eucalyptus have calming qualities. 

13. Journaling and creative arts-  Sometimes writing your feelings and thoughts down acts as a release. If you like to paint or draw, this is another form of expressive art that combines creativity and healing in one. Listening, playing and writing music are also ways to soothe yourself in times of stress. 

14. Connecting with family and friends- It is okay to receive support from those you are close to. Just making a call to someone or stepping out to a quick meal with a friend can make the difference in your day. Make a point to check in with someone close often and reduce isolation during times you feel anxious. 

15. Cross lateral movements- Parents, kindergym for children is a great activity that incorporates learning with physical activities. And, this is not just for kids! Cross lateral movements can active both sides of the brain, which can help with integration and becoming more present and grounded.

16. Remember what you're grateful for- Sometimes just taking time to consider the good things you have in your life can turn around your state of mind. 

Remember to take time for yourself and remember that it is normal to experience anxiety in certain situations. However, if you have persistent anxiety that inhibits your ability to complete daily tasks, or it is interfering with other areas of your life, reach out to your therapist and find out what else you can do to reduce your anxiety. 

How Guilt May Be a Guide

By Ashley Gregory, LMFT

This blog is meant to invite inquiry and foster self-compassion. Most likely, we all have little “g” guilt and big “G” guilt present with us throughout life. Everyone’s relationship with guilt will be different and complex, each asking for unique attention and care. Building a relationship with a psychotherapist can support you in creating and implementing individualized practices to work with guilt. 

What is it about the beginning of the Gregorian calendar that ignites talk of “resolutions,” seemingly en masse? As we head into month three of 2020, I’m thinking on the role of guilt in how we feel about meeting our past, present and future. The beginning of the year is, for many, a time to reflect on the past year in an effort to change some of the things that supposedly made the year before less exciting, fulfilling or successful. This is where guilt comes in.

According to the Online Etymology Dictionary, the word “guilt,” or gylt in Old English, means a “crime, sin, moral defect, failure of duty.” Whoa. Is it a “crime, sin, moral defect” or “failure of duty” to spend more time with my friends instead of organizing my hall closet? Maybe right now, I value connection more than order. 

Guilt, like any other emotion, may act as a guide, illuminating our needs and values.

Rather than leading us into immobilizing narratives, bringing curiosity to our guilty parts can act as a trailhead to practicing self-empathy and unearthing our desired actions. 

Awareness. Rather than push those feelings aside, perhaps notice how and where you sense them. Take a moment to recall the last time you felt “guilty.” How do you know you are feeling “guilty”? Is it a pit in your stomach sensation? Or nausea? Maybe a pulling down or weightedness? What happens when you focus your attention on these sensations? 

Stories. You may also notice the thoughts which arise when you feel guilty. What are the stories being told about you in your mind? Where do those voices come from and how familiar are they? Maybe you will find it helpful to take note of the messages arising around your feelings of guilt. From there, if the messages are played out, you may get more information about what it is you are actually hoping for. 

Needs and Values. You may take this opportunity to get to know that part of you. As you make contact with that part of you, ask about needs. What is that part needing? Might you need connection with others? Or clarity? Space or choice? How might that guilty feeling guide you? What does this feeling say about your values? 

External Events. What are the external events shaping your choices, thoughts or actions? How might you invite more consideration and compassion towards yourself?

Endeavors. Notice how your feelings and stories shifted. Be as present as you can as you have connected with what is important to you and why you may not have been able to align your actions with your values in a particular moment. What do these changes mean for how you want to move forward? What choices are you now presented with?

For example:

“I feel guilty that I didn’t leave enough money for a tip at the restaurant...obviously, I am not a generous person.”

Ok, let’s pause for a moment here and slow things down. 

Awareness: “I notice an uneasy, sinking feeling in my stomach. I’m feeling guilty because that waiter works really hard and does not get paid enough.” 

Stories: “The story I am telling myself is that I am a heartless person who doesn’t care about others. Oh my gosh, that sounds familiar. I was really hurt back then. That’s a tender place that I want to give attention to.” 

Needs and Values/External Events: “Well, I am needing understanding. I was rushing because I lost track of time working on that group project due today. I really value contribution and want to make sure I did a thorough job. Perhaps that’s why I wanted to give more of a tip, too. Because understanding the values of hard work and contributing to another’s well-being is important to me.” 

Endeavors: “I feel more at ease. I am more connected to how I want to offer what I can, when I can. I want others to know I value their work. I feel freed up to make choices around my values.” 

Back to the Little and Big “G” guilts. Perhaps one leads to another in an unfolding, interconnected way. Being with guilt can be a journey, opening us up to options we may not have become aware of had we been preoccupied with the “shoulds” and the stories. And yes, through this process we may also open ourselves up to more vulnerable or painful memories, the Big “G” kind. This is where support comes in.

As we continue to deepen our curiosity around guilt, here are a couple more questions to consider how it may show up in relationships:

1. Are you afraid of bringing up feelings in another person by sharing your needs and values? If so, which feelings? Why are these feelings scary?

2. How much control do you have over the situation? 

Through this process, we have welcomed guilt in and learned from it’s wisdom. New possibilities become available once we tap in and listen. I mean, hey, maybe I can reach out to some friends who want to help me re-organize my hall closet! 

The Importance of Body Awareness

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Too often the messages we receive from society take us away from our present-moment experiences, our genuine emotions, and our truest selves.  As we attempt to navigate this culture of distraction we end up feeling lost, disconnected and unsure of ourselves. It’s become too easy to get lost in our thoughts, whether we get lost in thoughts about the future or the past.  This split and physical disconnect is a large reason why increasing your body awareness is so important and often eye-opening.  

What is Body Awareness?

Body awareness is being consciously connected as a whole versus mind and body being two separate entities. When we were born and progressively moved forward with body control, we learned body awareness in coordination with crawling, walking and progressed as most people do; such as how far to reach for something, or how to climb stairs.  As adults, the concept of body awareness in this context becomes second nature given normal circumstances such as perception and spacial awareness of our physical selves. 

What About Body Awareness in Therapy?

In this scope, it is much more than the physical part of ourselves. Body awareness represents our mind and body as one and the responses (behavior) we have. 

Having body awareness is beneficial during therapy because our bodies hold on to past memories and experiences; it shows in our body language, posture, and our expressions. Physical manifestations of trauma can cause an upset stomach, migraines, hormone imbalances, and other medical conditions.  Studies have shown that there is a relationship between trauma and our bodies. 

What are the Benefits of Body Awareness?

The benefits of having body awareness in therapy help to understand your body’s signals in relation to what you hold within. Realizing your own breathing and other physical sensations foster a pathway for changes in responses to overwhelming feelings.  For example, if you just disagreed with a coworker or friend, you may not notice the physical changes that happen during the exchange. Changes such as faster breathing, racing heart, shaking, stiff limbs, tightness or a clenched jaw. You may notice them after the confrontation, but during the confrontation you may be less aware. 

What would it feel like if you were more aware of your body’s responses to a bad memory, a negative association to something in your environment or argument with someone close to you? With the help of a professional somatic therapist, you can begin to increase your body awareness. They can assist by helping you bring attention to your body and physical sensations during the session. With gentle guidance in a safe space, you can learn about your physical experiences, which can lead to growth, acceptance, and change. You can be more centered and freer of holding in the negativity that impacts both your mind and body. 

The Power of Self-Acceptance

We are often our own worst critics and if we can neutrally observe our bodies, meaning what our bodies do isn’t ‘good’ or ‘bad’, makes it easier to focus more on the behavior, feeling or reaction. This component added to therapy will enhance your outcomes when working with your therapist. 

If you find that this is a struggle at first, there are other areas that can be focused on. How many times have you been engrossed in a project with a deadline and you kept working despite you were starving? Your body tells you it needs nutrition, just like it gives you a signal when you are stressed or feeling anxious. By being more attentive to basic physical needs creates more awareness of the cues when your body is stressed or overwhelmed.  This allows you to connect what triggers you may overlook in response to a traumatic event or troubling situation. 

Working with a Somatic Therapist

As you work with a trained somatic therapist, you will understand your own body not just your mind and emotions.  Somatic therapists track emotional and physical shifts to recognize signs that give clues as to what is going on internally. We have a huge toolbox of body-based resources to support you in building body awareness.  Most human communication is through body language. Yes, we use words to communicate; however, our bodies say much more. Even when you are quiet while seated in a room with others, you are communicating. If you are nervous you may fidget without even realizing it. If you are having a bad day, your jaw may lock, and you don’t realize it.  You may cross your arms tighter across your chest.

By recognizing how emotions are tied to your body brings a strong mind-body connection that opens the pathway to self-understanding, acceptance, and processing that enables you to respond better to your environment. Self-awareness is a great skill to have and use while in therapy and you will find more positive results in therapy by incorporating it into sessions.  

If you are struggling with connecting your mind and body during therapy, talk with your therapist about different techniques or other options.  

Therapy Reflections

1. Do you know what happens in your body when you feel anxious or sad?

2. When something or someone pisses you off, how connected are you to your body in that moment?

3. What signals does your body give you when you feel happy or grateful?

4. What can you do today to increase your body awareness?

Creative Easy Ways for You to Resolve Trauma

by Melody Wright, LMFT

There are many layers and nuances involved in healing trauma.  It’s important to remember to be kind and compassionate towards yourself AND your process.  Healing from trauma can be slow as you work through a multitude of feelings. The feelings you may experience are anxiety, fear, shame, deep hurt, distrust, avoidance, disappointment, disbelief and more.  With time you can build more internal and external resources for healing, understanding, and acceptance.  

Healing from Trauma

In most peoples’ lives, trauma occurs. Having experienced trauma, one needs to solve it in a way that works best for each individual. Trauma can be a death of someone close to you, abuse, surviving an illness, seeing a disturbing event, and the impacts of divorce and custody issues to name a few. No two people are alike, and everyone responds to those traumas differently, so the ways to solve and overcome them need to reflect that.  

Talking with a close friend or counselor is a wonderful way to begin; however, if you are not ready to discuss your feelings with anyone, there are other ways.  

Art

Art encompasses many variables of expression and paves the ways such as writing, sculpting, collaging, singing, or playing music.  It is essential to find a place where you can relax, which induces positive feelings and thoughts. For example, a favorite park, a special room just for you at home, near a beach, hiking in a forest.  Wherever that place is, allow yourself to relax and be free of inhibiting thoughts while you use creativity.  

If you are not experienced in painting or sculpting, try drawing and sketching first.  Find a book on sketching or join a class to learn more. If you feel stumped, take a journal and a pen to write your feelings, goals, or challenges. If you love music, enjoy your favorite songs while you brainstorm. 

Finding what works for you may take time, however, there are many possibilities to start your journey. 

• Journal

• Write a short story;

• Write a letter to a friend;

• Sketch;

• Paint a scene or image from your mind;

• Poetry writing;

• Writing or playing music;

• Redecorate a space in your home;

• Try a new look with your hair or clothes;

• Volunteer to help in your community.

Connect with Furry Friends

Nothing beats furry friends.  Our pets love us unconditionally and often notice things that people don’t.  If you do not have a pet, consider what your housing is like, the size and if you have a yard for a larger outdoor pet.  Once you decide which pet is right for you, consider joining a training class. If you are already a pet owner, start a new hobby such as walking, jogging or a training class for you and your pet.

Physical Activity

Physical activity helps in resolving symptoms of trauma, such as anxiety and depression.  If you enjoy outdoor activities such as jogging or hiking, this is a fantastic way to focus your energy.  If you are not a jogger or a runner, then walk in a park or your neighborhood. The key is to get outside, take a break from technology and television.  This is also a good time to focus on your breathing and connect with your body.

Talk with Someone

When you feel up to talking, it is always a great idea to connect with someone who can help you.  Find a trusted friend or family member to confide in. This person should be supportive and not judgmental in what you are experiencing.  If you do not have anyone close to you, reach out to a therapist. A therapist can help you work through your trauma and assist you in discovering creative ways to work through unresolved trauma. 

Positive Change is Possible

Our therapists understand that when you experience trauma your sense of safety in the world, your body, and your trust in relationships can be disrupted. Learning how to cultivate a sense of safety is an important step to healing trauma. Our somatic therapists work with clients in discovering new ways to be in the world after the disruptions of traumatic experiences by going directly to the source--the body. Realizing what is happening in your body is the foundation of the work. When you bring awareness to the sensations in your body, rather than feeling overwhelmed by them, you can have more control over your responses, which is essential for healing.

Therapy Reflections

1. Do you have any unresolved traumas or past hurts that still need healing?

2. What can you do today to start your healing process?

3. What does healing mean to you and how do you know when you are healed?

The Modern Rules of Couples Therapy

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Relationships are important and require care, quality time, and secure attachment to be healthy ones. The choices we make and the responses we give one another set the tone in our relationships. Sometimes the increasing demands of daily living tax couples, leaving little emotional overhead for the most important ones in our lives. Often when there is conflict, this contributes to adverse reactions, thoughts, and feelings.

Who is the Modern Couple?

Times have changed in terms of the shift in traditional relationships. Today, more women are in the workforce, and more men have shifted to stay at home roles for the children. In addition, we have more same-sex, gender non-conforming, and poly-amorous couples who are navigating relationships and the various roles of parenting, managing household chores and juggling financial responsibilities. With these shifts in our society brings less exclusivity in roles between partners and those who are or decide to become parents.

Modern couples have less defined roles that may be exciting and a refreshing way of supporting one another; this can also bring complex challenges for each partner. Aspects such as vulnerability expectations and being emotionally available to their partners may be challenging.

While women have been traditionally viewed as more emotional; increased demands from relationships, children and career choices add more pressures. This too can affect a woman’s emotional availability if she is feeling overwhelmed or unsupported.

Relationships Need Care

If your relationship does not receive the attention it needs to thrive and grow, distance, and detachment takes over. If you have old wounds, this too will be a contributing factor to the breakdown and emotional distance in your marriage or partnership. Couples may end up feeling hurt, angry, or isolated and give up.

Human beings need secure attachments and made to feel unconditionally loved in their relationships. When we feel hurt, fear can move in and reduce the attachment to whom we love. Sometimes we are so caught up in our responses and thoughts; We lose sight in how it affects the one person we love the most.

How Holistic & Somatic Therapy Can Help The Modern Couple

When you can identify your body’s responses to your thoughts and emotions, it becomes easier to define your triggers and how they affect you and your relationship. Things such as sweaty palms, or ‘fight or flight’ response can be some indicators. For example, yelling, crying, a burst of anger, and even leaving the room or shutting down all point to the ‘fight or flight’ responses to those who are struggling to deal with challenges in relationships. This leaves the other partner scared, confused, and hurt.

To understand your own physical and emotional reactions, you must acknowledge them and be in the moment. Somatic therapy is learning to be mindful and more present. This can provide a better insight into how you and your partner are affected by those responses.

Holistic therapy can also support you and your partner in couples counseling. Holistic therapy provides insight and ways to respond to your partner that fosters a secure attachment. This is possible when we understand our responses and feel safe to express them. With mutual understanding, couples can learn better ways of supporting one another.

With unconditional love and support, being in the moment and altering interactions will better your relationship. Couples therapy may incorporate focusing on the patterns and cycles you and your partner have that keep you stuck having the same argument repeatedly. By beginning to bring mindful awareness to your patterns as a couple, you can make shifts in your interactions for the better. In addition, couples therapy has the potential to rebuild the genuine bond you once had and possibly a stronger one.

Life By Design Therapy Is Ready to Support the Modern Couple

When you come in for marriage counseling or couples therapy, we practice the somatic approach of being in the moment during sessions. While we want you to be comfortable in the session, change is vital for growth. There may be a time we will encourage you to be mindful, use expressive arts, movement, or being aware of your breathing, all while respecting your comfort.

Coming in for couples’ therapy will provide the understanding to work through these feelings. It is possible to heal and feel connected in your relationship with your partner again. Our somatic and holistic therapists at Life By Design are here to support you in couples therapy and answer any questions you have. Let us guide your relationship to a greater understanding and acceptance. Whether you need to work through minor key issues or several, Life By Design Therapy is here. You can connect with us in Berkeley and Richmond, California. Call today for a better tomorrow.

Therapy Reflections

1. How satisfied are you in your current relationship?

2. How do you and your partner communicate hurts or disappointments?

3. How comfortable are you with being vulnerable?

4. Are there any areas in your relationship that you would like to be improved?

Interested in attachment?

Read our attachment blog series to learn more about how your attachment style impacts your relationships!

Dealing with Teen Depression

by Melody Wright, LMFT

As our children grow into teenagers, they go through many changes that can challenge even the most well-intentioned parents. Some teens deal with pressures with a few difficulties while other teens present symptoms of depression. When parents reach out to their struggling teens, this may lead to a negative outcome to what they intended was support.

While teens are known for their moody and unpredictable behaviors, it is important to distinguish between typical teen behavior and teen depression.

What are the Common Contributions to Teen Depression?

The first step in dealing with a teen who may have depression is to understand what contributes to teen depression.

• Lacks self-esteem – May not accept compliments or is defensive when you offer help.

• Bullying at school – Makes comments about altercations with other students or skipping classes to avoid the ones who bully.

• Struggles to fit in with peers and dealing with peer pressure.

• May believe parents do not understand – Comments are, “You just don’t get it.” Or “Everything is fine.”

• Sibling rivalry at home or constantly being compared.

• Frustration with teachers and not feeling supported.

• Navigating their identity and sexuality

• Changes in their body and self-image.

• Exhibiting anxiety about their future from high expectations around academics.

If you suspect your teen is suffering from depression and you offer help, do not take it personally if they are not open to your support.

Daily Stress for Teens

Things such as fitting in with peers can play a significant role in their view of how important they are.  If your teen is struggling with bullying, this quantifies these inferior feelings on a large scale. Children with a learning disorder may get made fun of in class, or more in the locker room, the playground, the bus, or gym when teachers are not present. 

If an older sibling at home picks on them, this creates more stress and feelings of low self-worth.  Even younger siblings can generate aggravation in your teen. Frequent fighting among siblings heightens stress levels for teens and other family members as well. 

At school, some teachers may not be as understanding of each teen.  Or maybe there is a subject your child is not fond of, and they associate the issue with the teacher and may skip class.  

With the physiological changes inside their bodies, the additional stresses at school and cultural norms combined is the perfect storm for any teen to navigate.  No matter what your child is facing, you as their parent are their most significant source of support, understanding, and direction. As much as teens may reject help, a parent must remain reliable, consistent, and understanding.  

Common Signs and Symptoms to Look for with Teen Depression

• Intense emotions (crying spells, angry outbursts, a constant expression of annoyance and frustration) that may appear for no apparent reason.

• They lose interest in previous activities.

• Isolation from friends and family.

• They feel worthless.

• Extremely self-critical or self-blaming.

• Sleeping a lot, having low energy, or continually feeling tired.

• Self-harming behaviors like cutting.

• Acting out or using drugs and alcohol.

• Conflict with friends or family.

• They give less attention to their appearance, including hygiene.

• Struggling academically and having frequent absences.

• Complaints of physical pain such as headaches or body pains.

What You Can Do Today to Support Your Teen

Let your teen know that you love and accept them no matter what. If your teen is struggling to open up, try in the car, at the table during a meal or when just spending time with them, talk about insignificant subjects at first. Some teens are more receptive in this manner.

When they shut down, let them know you are there when they are ready to talk and don’t take it personally when they won’t. Have more casual conversations with your teen and show an interest in what they share with you for more insight into what is on their minds. Practice the art of active listening. As parents, we may be quick to fix their problems or tell them to get over it. Sometimes lending your ear can mean the world of difference to them.

Ask what areas you can help with for more support. Sometimes teens have a difficult time asking for help or are unsure how to bring it up. Instead of assuming they have it all figured out, keep checking in and asking.

Helping Teen Depression with Therapy

If you’re concerned about your teen, talk to them about it. You need not wait until their symptoms get worse; reach out to a therapist. Our holistic and somatic therapists at Life By Design Therapy are experienced in the struggles for today’s teens. We can provide a safe place for your teen to explore and better understand their struggles with depression. Having this additional point of view will give a better understanding so you can bridge the gaps in the communication and help your teen through their depression. Contact us today for an appointment in Berkeley or Richmond, California.

Therapy Reflections

1. What can you do today to show your teen you are available?
2. When was the last time you spent quality time alone with just you and your teen?
3. Have you noticed any of the signs of teen depression in your teen?
4. Are there any conversations you are uncomfortable having with your teen?
5. Are there any emotions your teen exhibits that may trigger you and make it more difficult for you to be present with them?
6. What can you do more of that will show your teen you care about them and love them unconditionally?

How to Get the Most Out of Therapy

by Melody Wright, LMFT

So you’ve made your first therapy appointment with one of our holistic therapists at Life by Design Therapy, and it’s coming up fast. Or perhaps you’re trying to decide about making this first step. You’re ready to improve your life, divulge your hidden thoughts, do all the inner work, and come out the other side making positive steps toward the life of your dreams.

To get the most out of your therapy sessions, there are a few key session habits that can make all the difference. Following these will keep you out of the common pitfalls that are typically experienced along the way.

Have Goals in Mind

To know you are healed, you have to know your definition of healed. This answer can be different for every person. To some people, this may be no longer being affected by relationship trauma. To other people, this may be finally getting your dream job or at least pinpointing what it is. While it’s okay to start without knowing these goals, you (perhaps with the help of your therapist) will want to know your ultimate goal, so you have a gauge of when you no longer need therapy.

Being Open to the Process

Healing and personal growth are rarely straight roads. Your therapist may help you realize strengths in yourself which help you deal with triggers, overwhelming anxiety or depression, relationship wounds, or negative thought patterns that you didn’t know would help. These initial actions may help tremendously for a few weeks, but may then need to be changed as more of your past surfaces. For others, you may read assigned books and do the exercises that help you find your passion, then somewhere along the way recognize something about that career that causes you to go in another direction.

The journey is rarely straightforward. None of the effort goes wasted, either. The arising circumstances show you many facets of your inner growth.

Showing Up Consistently

There may be days along the way when you believe it’s not worth driving to your appointment. Although skipping may sound like a great solution in the moment, it almost never is. People usually skip their appointment when they don’t think they need any more help, when they think they’re just going to talk about the same things as the previous week or when they feel so bad they don’t think anyone can help.

Continuing to come no matter what is extremely important. You may think your life is figured out when it isn’t. Then, soon after, life throws a curveball. You might not be able to fit back into your therapist’s schedule if you passed on your usual spot.

It’s important to know that you are never wasting your therapist’s time. If you think you no longer need help, show up anyway and discuss it together. Also, know it’s perfectly fine to discuss last week’s problems again. Your therapist can help you by helping you work through things in a different way than last time. Letting your therapist know what’s not working can better your results. This way, your therapist can tailor your sessions to your changing needs or struggles.

And your situation is never without hope. When you’ve reached a rock bottom is the time to rely on the professional help you’re avoiding.

While it may be hard, it’s vital to come in no matter what.  

Speak Up Before Ending Therapy

One step further than missing an appointment is deciding you’re through altogether. If you decide you’re done without the agreement of your therapist, there’s a big chance you are missing an important piece of healing. Your therapist wants you to reach your session goals just as much as you do.

If you are tempted to end therapy, bring it up to your therapist. They can enlighten you as to why it’s important for you to continue.

Thankfully nowadays, the need for help is becoming more and more accepted. Now is one of the best times in history to receive help. To get the most out of this opportunity, these four basic steps help tremendously. Showing up is often half the battle and continuing on the therapy path even when it doesn’t feel right is crucial as well. Our therapists at Life by Design Therapy are ready to support your therapy process!