All About Anger – Where Anger Stems from and 4 Tools to Keep Handy

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Our current blog series, “All About Anger,” focuses on providing information about anger, myths and facts associated with anger, where anger comes from, and tools and strategies to address anger as an emotion. Understanding where your anger comes from can help you learn more about yourself, and give you insight as to what strategies can help you address anger.

Understanding where your anger stems from may help to identify certain situations, feelings, or things that usually lead to you experiencing anger. These can be considered your triggers, or red flags, and can include the following:

• People that get in the way of you achieving your goals

• Situations that bring up sensitive topics from childhood (ie. someone talking about their child being bullied, not knowing you were also bullied as a child)

• Daily life interactions can be annoying, but the presence of other stressors can make you angry, such as being stuck in traffic or having a family member be inconsiderate of your needs

• Having negative or emotionally charged interactions with others, both in-person and online

• Reading stories or posts about a topic that you strongly disagree with

As you may notice, these situations can occur on a daily basis, and generally are outside of our control. With all of these opportunities to become angry, what can we do to prevent it? Next time you’re feeling angry, try one of the following strategies to see if you can regulate your emotions:

1. Take a step back: If you are actively in a situation that is raising your anger levels, take a step back. Giving yourself a much-needed break from a situation or conversation that is making you angry can help you clear your head before choosing to continue a conversation, or removing yourself from a situation altogether. 

2. Talk to someone you trust: Getting an outside perspective on a problem or issue that is making you angry can help you adjust your thought process and relieve negative feelings. 

3. Take a walk: If it’s difficult for you to take a timeout from a situation without letting your mind wander back to the issue making you angry, redirecting your attention to physical exercise can help you ease your frustrations. 

4. Make a joke: If you appreciate and use humor to break the tension, and the situation is appropriate, making a joke can help you release some of your anger. 

We hope these strategies have widened your options in the way you usually address anger. Not all strategies may work for you, but we encourage you to try the ones that feel right based on your needs and preferences. In our next blog, you will learn more about some long-term options to help address anger. If you need to speak to someone today about how to address your anger, please schedule a free consultation with one of our therapists.

Supporting Our Youth and Their Mental Health: Impact on Adulthood

By Melody Wright, LMFT

As part of our final blog for our Youth Mental Health series, we wanted to share some information on the role that a youth’s mental health can have on their transition into adulthood. The support that our children and teens receive for their mental health will shape the way they will approach future mental health concerns, and their health in general, as they become adults. It is important that we understand the impact we can have on our teens, and the benefits they can experience if we are proactive about providing them with support.

Listening to our youth’s concerns regarding their mental health and providing them with adequate support can show them that we care about them and their needs, and that it is important to prioritize our overall health. Alternatively, not providing support for their mental health can impact their transition into adulthood and how they view their mental health concerns. With appropriate support, our teens can experience the following as they transition into adulthood:

• Reduced stigma and shame as they talk about their Mental Health with others

• Feel encouraged to access mental health services when they feel they are struggling 

• Be willing to support others that share similar struggles or issues with their mental health

• Continue to have an open and honest discussion with you regarding their current needs and areas that need additional support

In addition to adequately addressing their mental health, supporting our youth’s physical, mental, and emotional needs can also help them in the following areas: 

• Developing the ability to engage in healthy friendships and romantic relationships that prioritize their need for a positive environment and support system

• Increase their overall self-esteem

• Increase their ability to independently engage in the healthcare services they need

A teen’s mental health will influence many factors, including their overall self-esteem, willingness to access care, and how they’re able to engage in services that support their needs. It is important that we learn how to best support them in order to positively influence their transition into adulthood. The type of relationship that a teen has with their parents, as well as the support they receive for their mental health, can make a significant impact on how they navigate complex situations, relationships, and other significant life events in adulthood. If you’d like to learn more about how to support your teen or want to get them connected to an experienced mental health provider, click here to schedule an appointment. 

All About Anger – Myth vs. Fact

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Anger is an intense emotion that someone usually feels when someone has wronged them, or something has gone wrong. The emotion can range from mild to intense and can be felt along with other emotions depending on the context (frustration, impatience, sadness, etc.) While anger can be a very normal and natural emotion to feel, there is a lot of misinformation regarding anger and people who experience anger. Below are some myths about anger, as well as some information regarding those myths.

1. Myth: Anger can only be felt as a negative emotion and does not have any value. 
   Fact: Anger can be felt as a result of a positive reason, such as feeling angry over an injustice made toward another or a group of people. It can give you the motivation you need to advocate for positive change or rally for support toward a specific cause. 

2. Myth: We will never be able to change the way we react when we are angry.
   Fact: Our reactions are behaviors that we learned to do over time. Even if we feel like we inherited our anger from our parents, or that we react just like a close family member, we are able to make changes to the way we behave when we’re angry. Additionally, we can learn ways to regulate ourselves so that we are not quick to anger.  

3. Myth: Anger always leads to violence and aggression.
   Fact: Anger can sometimes be felt in a positive context, and does not always lead to someone becoming violent or aggressive. By learning certain skills and strategies, we can learn to adjust or modify our behavior in order to not become violent or aggressive when angry. 

4. Myth: Being angry and aggressive can show others that you are strong and determined.
Fact: Aggression is defined as hostile and violent behavior towards others. Many people have learned that using anger and aggression can help them manipulate others into doing what they want. These behaviors are usually not associated with someone who is strong or determined. That being said, learning how to be assertive can help you gain respect from others without needing to display anger or aggression. 

5. Myth: It is important to always “let out” your anger. 
Fact: There are different ways to manage your anger, and not all of them have to include a physical response to release anger (ie. walking out of your house to scream or hitting a punching bag). These physical displays of anger can lead to increased anger or aggression. There are other strategies that someone can learn to address their anger that reduce these intense emotions, instead of amplifying them.  

While anger can be used productively and felt in a positive context, it can become a problem when it is felt too often, too intensely, and is expressed inappropriately. Experiencing feelings of anger too often can cause increased stress on the body, lead to other emotions such as aggression, and can impact those around us. If you notice that your anger is creating issues for you or those around you, you are not alone. Many people experience challenges when it comes to feeling anger, and we’ll share more information regarding how to address anger in our upcoming blogs. For immediate support, we always encourage our readers to book an appointment with one of our licensed therapists. 

Is This Anxiety or Trauma? Anxious Behaviors vs. Trauma Responses

By Melody Wright, LMFT

When talking about mental health with others, you might notice that some of the signs and symptoms of Anxiety and Trauma may sound very familiar despite stemming from different events or diagnoses. For individuals wanting to learn more about their own mental health, or experiencing symptoms that may be related to anxiety or trauma, it can be very helpful to understand where their current symptoms stem from. This can help us seek and identify resources that will help us address our symptoms, as well as learn new ways to regulate ourselves when we feel overwhelmed or on edge. 

What is Trauma?

The American Psychological Association defines trauma as an “emotional response to a terrible event” such as abuse, community violence, or experiencing significant injury or loss. The symptoms we exhibit after experiencing trauma are directly related to events that happened in our past that did not make us feel safe or put us directly in the middle of unsafe situations. Some of the symptoms that people exhibit after experiencing trauma can include fatigue, feeling sad, and hopeless, experiencing mood swings, and withdrawing from others. Some symptoms can be more severe and can have long-term impacts on an individual, including experiencing consistent flashbacks to a traumatic event, developing panic attacks, sleep problems, or anxiety (also known as Generalized Anxiety Disorder). 

What is Anxiety?

Anxiety can be described as consistent and intense worrying over everyday situations, usually situations that have not yet happened yet. Anxiety sends a message to our brain that we need to do more to prepare for a possible, or upcoming, future event. Some of the physical symptoms that someone can experience when feeling anxious include a fast heart rate, sweating, and rapid breathing. While the causes of anxiety can vary, many people experience anxiety as a result of going through traumatic childhoods or events. 

What Do Anxious Behaviors Look Like?

While anxious behaviors can serve a purpose when they function as part of our body’s defense mechanisms (fight, flight, freeze, etc.), they can create an issue when they occur consistently and at the wrong times. Anxious behaviors can include the following:

• Ongoing feelings of nervousness, restlessness, or feeling “on-edge”

• Feeling irritable

• Experiencing headaches, stomach pains, or other unexplained pains

• Difficulty concentrating or falling/staying asleep

What Do Trauma Responses Look Like?

Traumatic responses are your body’s reaction to trauma. They can include the following:

• Inability to focus or make decisions

• The need to feel guarded or alert at all times

• Flashbacks or constant thoughts of a previous traumatic event

• Being easily startled in settings or situations that do not require you to be on high alert

As you can see from the descriptions and symptoms above, traumatic responses and anxious behaviors can feel similar in the body. The difference between a trauma response and an anxious behavior is where the symptoms are stemming from. Are the symptoms stemming from past events that your body identified as traumatic? Or are they stemming from concerns about future events or events that have not yet taken place (anxiety)? It is also important to know that trauma and anxiety may be connected for some individuals; One can develop anxious behaviors after experiencing traumatic events. 

What Can I Do?

Whether you experience anxious behaviors or trauma responses, it can feel overwhelming to see the impact they can create in our bodies. Know that you are not alone in feeling this way; 1 in 5 people experience anxiety in their lifetime, and 50-60% of people experience at least 1 traumatic event in their lives. Steps toward healing the body can be taken by learning how to regulate ourselves when we start to feel nervous, anxious, fearful, or on edge.

If you find yourself needing support to learn new skills to help you regulate, help address past trauma, or you’re interested in learning more strategies to combat your anxious thoughts, we encourage you to book a phone consultation today at Life by Design. Life by Design offers therapeutic services with qualified professionals that can give you the tools you need to help address your traumatic responses and anxious behaviors. Book a phone consultation here today for more information and to get you connected to additional support. 

Signs of “Toxic” Parenting: How you can support your teen

By Melody Wright, LMFT

As part of our current monthly blog series, we’ve learned about the different factors that can contribute to and impact our teen’s mental health. We’ve also learned what warning signs we should look out for that warrant an immediate connection to a Mental Health professional, as well as what resources to tap into if we suspect that our teen is struggling with their Mental Health. While many of these factors can be created by situations that we have little control over, such as school stressors or peer pressure from friends, some factors can come as a direct result of our interactions as parents.

Many parents are unaware of the ways in which their parenting style or approach may be impacting their teens. Although at times unintentional, certain parenting approaches may negatively impact a teen’s mental and emotional health. Some of the behaviors that negatively impact a teen’s mental health, which at times are labeled as “toxic,” can include:

• Yelling, name-calling, or consistently assigning blame

• Using the “silent treatment” as punishment or gaslighting others to avoid accepting responsibility

• Manipulating emotions by using guilt or shame

• Being overly critical, invading privacy, or attempting to control all aspects of your teen’s life

• Lacking boundaries

Some of these behaviors can be more easily identified than others. While yelling can be easy to recognize, assigning blame or “gaslighting” can be harder to acknowledge or point out. We also know that some of these behaviors may have been learned from our own parents or cultures, which makes it difficult to recognize that they may not be appropriate, or difficult to understand why we shouldn’t use them with our own children.  

Many of us can remember certain statements, actions, or behaviors that our parents or guardians used to exhibit that made us sad, frustrated, or angry. Over time, constant exposure to these behaviors can severely impact a person’s mental health. On the contrary, exposure to empathetic and supportive behaviors can improve their mental health, and foster a relationship that can make it easier for our teens to reach out to us when they need help. These behaviors include, but are not limited to, the following:

• Spending one-on-one time with your teen. This can help provide you with the time and space you need to talk to your teen about what is going on in their lives. Over time, your teen may feel comfortable enough to explain what may be impacting their Mental Health. 

• Listening to your child when they share there is something wrong, and not jumping to solutions or conclusions without discussing it with them first. 

• Having empathy for what your child is going through. While you may not understand why your child feels so strongly about a certain event or circumstance, it is important that you understand and care about what they’re experiencing. 

• Being kind, clear, and consistent when it comes to your teen’s need for privacy and boundaries. 

• Providing your teen with a sense of autonomy and respecting their space. 

• When emotions are high, setting a different time to have a conversation can help minimize the likelihood that you or your child will speak out of anger. Yelling, cursing, or using behaviors such as the silent treatment, are not conducive to having a productive conversation and can lead to hurt feelings. When you create a safe space to speak to your child, you increase your chances of having a more positive outcome. 

Our ability to regulate our emotions, respect our teen’s space, approach their needs in a respectful manner, and have open and honest conversations with them can positively impact our relationship with our teen, as well as their overall Mental Health. If you’d like to learn more about how to adjust your parenting approach to better fit your child’s needs, or are in need of support with your own Mental health, please reach out to us by scheduling a phone consultation. 

Depression: Symptoms, Treatment and Changes in the Brain

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Depression, What Is It?

Depression is a serious (but common) medical illness that affects how someone feels, thinks, and acts. In general, depression causes feelings of sadness and an overall loss of interest in activities that you may have previously enjoyed. Depression impacts each person differently and may even look different at various stages of your life.  The length of time someone may experience depression can also vary from person to person; Some people may be able to overcome their depression within a matter of months while others may take longer. No matter what someone’s journey with depression may look like, it is important to be able to recognize the symptoms and the effects that it has on the body. Some of the symptoms related to depression vary from mild to severe, and can include the following:

• Changes in appetite

• Loss of energy

• Feeling fatigued

• Difficulty concentrating

• Feeling sad

• Trouble sleeping or too much sleep

• Thoughts of worthlessness, guilt, or suicidality

What Does Depression Do to the Brain?

While many associate only emotional or mental symptoms with depression, research states that it may also impact our brain. There is still much to be learned about the specific areas of the brain that are affected by depression, and how much they are affected. However, there is growing evidence that different parts of the brain may shrink, change in structure, and/or become inflamed in people with depression. These changes in the brain can lead to problems with memory, learning, and overall mood. Scientists are not yet sure if these changes have the potential to be permanent, but there is hope that treatment may help prevent or ease some of the changes that happen to the brain.

What Treatment Exists for Depression?

Treatment for depression can consist of a wide variety of approaches that may have more eastern or western influences when it comes to holistic and full-body healing. The more mainstream, and therefore more common approaches primarily consists of two options, therapy and medication. Depending on what works best to address an individual’s symptoms, therapy and medication can be used individually or in combination as part of their treatment plan. Therapeutic approaches for depression may include:

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) 

• Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)

• Holistic and Somatic (body-based) Psychotherapy

Medications for depression, also known as antidepressants, primarily work by increasing chemical levels in the brain called neurotransmitters. These neurotransmitters are linked to mood and emotions. Antidepressants address different symptoms, and usually fall within the following categories:

• SSRI’s: Addresses symptoms of depression and anxiety

• Antidepressants: Addresses symptoms of depression and may help with other chronic conditions

• Anxiolytic: Addresses anxiety, tension, and may promote sleep

• Antipsychotic: Addresses symptoms of certain psychiatric conditions

When therapy and/or medication are used as treatment to address someone’s depression, research shows that it can reduce inflammation in the brain that was originally caused by depression.  Engaging in therapeutic interventions may also help form new synaptic connections in the brain that were affected by depression. This can help an individual experience a drastic improvement in their overall mood and energy levels. No matter what your treatment plan looks like, addressing your symptoms with therapy or medication can help begin to minimize the toll that depression can take on the body.

I’m Not Sure How to Get Started…Where Can I Get Help?

In order to properly address depression, it is important that you speak to your doctor, therapist, and/or psychiatrist to find the treatment approach, or approaches, that work best for you. For individuals who would like to explore taking medication, it’s important to learn the side-effects that may be associated with each medication, and understand that it may take time to find the right medication for their individual needs. If you or a loved one is currently experiencing symptoms of depression, our therapists at Life by Design would be happy to connect with you and help guide the journey to healing and improved Mental Health. Click here for more information. 

Trauma and Gender: Do Men and Women React Differently to Trauma?

By Melody Wright, LMFT

When looking at the effects of trauma on individuals, it’s important to recognize that things like gender, culture, and life experiences can influence the way we react to traumatic events. While we may not be able to change some of these attributes, such as the culture we were born into, we can learn and obtain a better understanding of how they influence our reactions to trauma so we can address those reactions accordingly. 

What is Trauma

According to the American Psychological Association, trauma is “an emotional response to a terrible event” like an accident, an act of violence, or a natural disaster. People can experience both emotional and physical responses to these traumatic events in the long term.

How Does Gender Influence Trauma

Our cultures and communities tend to assign specific roles to genders; These gender roles can influence how we react to different circumstances and events, including traumatic ones. In cultures that stress traditional gender roles, where men are expected to display a stoic demeanor and women are expected to be the more vulnerable sex, traumatic responses can be heavily influenced by gender roles. 

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, is a disorder where a person has a difficult time processing and recovering from witnessing or experiencing a traumatic event. Studies have found that in cultures with traditional gender roles, there is a higher prevalence of women being diagnosed with PTSD. This can be attributed to women being able to feel more emotionally vulnerable in these cultures. 

Gender can also impact if and when individuals will access support to process their traumatic experiences. If the expectation is for a male to remain “strong” and not be impacted by stress, they may not immediately seek support. This can affect the impact that the event can have on their mental and emotional health in the long run.  

What Other Factors Influence Trauma

There are various factors that can influence how an individual reacts to trauma. Some of these factors include:

• How intense the traumatic event was

• Your family history and previous traumatic events

• The presence of a support system, or lack of

• Your current or ongoing stress levels 

• Alcohol or drug use

Coping Strategies

In the event that an individual experiences something traumatic, it is important to have the tools necessary to help process that event. This includes knowledge of coping strategies. Coping strategies to help process traumatic events include:

• Practicing deep breathing, meditation, and mindfulness 

• Finding or developing a new hobby or activity that gets your endorphins flowing

• Establishing and reaching out to your support system 

• Finding a support group where others may have experienced similar trauma

Traumatic events come in all shapes and sizes, and the information and coping strategies that may help one person may not be very helpful for another. If you find yourself needing support or additional coping strategies, we encourage you to book a phone consultation today at Life by Design. Life by Design offers therapeutic services with qualified professionals that can give you the tools you need to help address your mental health. Consider booking a consultation here today.

“I’m worried about getting older, but what can I do?” Coping With Anxiety About Aging

By Melody Wright, LMFT

As we begin to enter new ages and phases in our life, it can sometimes be difficult to accept that we are getting older. Whether it’s a fear of physically looking older, a concern about not being where you want to be in life, or feeling anxious about what the future holds, the concepts related to getting older sometimes have a negative connotation. If you’re feeling anxious or concerned about aging, below are some things to consider that may help you cope with your concerns and anxiety. 

We’re All Getting Older

You are not the first person to age, and you will not be the last. Sometimes, getting older creates feelings of loneliness or feeling as though we haven’t achieved what we wanted to at this age. Normalizing that others around us are also getting older, and surrounding yourself with a solid support network of friends and loved ones can help reduce your feelings of loneliness or inadequacy. It’s also important to note that age does not dictate where we need to be in life, and that success can mean different things and look different ways to different people. 

Age Does Not Have To Stop Us

Sometimes, the fear associated with getting older is related to feeling worried that we won’t be able to do the things we used to be able to do. Getting older does not automatically equate to a decline in your health, or an inability to try new things. If any of these thoughts concern you, consider the following – Are there any habits you can pick up today that can help create a healthier lifestyle for you? Picking up a new habit that positively impacts your health can help increase your optimism about your future. This is also a gentle reminder that getting older does not make you incapable of trying new things, or prevent you from thriving in a new environment.

Choosing To “Age Well”

As we age, there are things that will be outside of our control. While we cannot control some of the things related to the aging process, we CAN control how we choose to spend our time, who we choose to spend it with, and the activities we choose to spend our time on. One of the benefits of getting older is having the wisdom and agency to choose activities, people, and spaces that make you feel safe and create joy. Making the choice to spend your time doing things you love with people you care about can help you have a positive outlook on aging. 

While we hope that the tips above helped address some of your anxieties around aging, we acknowledge that it may not be sufficient. This is especially true if you feel that your concerns regarding aging are interfering with your daily life. If you find yourself needing support or additional coping strategies, we encourage you to book a phone consultation today at Life by Design. Life by Design offers therapeutic services with qualified professionals that can give you the tools you need to help address your current concerns.  

Supporting Our Youth and Their Mental Health Part 2: Recognizing Warning Signs

By Melody Wright, LMFT

In our first blog of our new blog series, Supporting Our Youth and Their Mental Health, we discussed general information regarding our youth, the challenges they face today, and reviewed resources and tips to help support your teen’s current or future mental health needs. In today’s blog, we will take a more in-depth look at the potential signs that a teen displays when they are struggling with their Mental Health. We will also include some of the signs or red flags that would require an immediate response from a parent or caregiver. 

Warning Signs 

A warning sign can be defined as a sign that indicates a condition requiring special attention. With that in mind, we have listed some behaviors below that your teen may display if they are experiencing challenges with their Mental Health:

• Sadness that is persistent and lasts for 2 weeks or more

• Wanting to avoid social events or interactions

• Ongoing somatic symptoms (headaches, stomach aches, etc.)

• Behavior that drastically changes within a short time frame

• Changes in daily patterns (sleeping, eating, school performance, etc.)

• Poor attendance in school

• Participating in self-harming or destructive behaviors

Warning signs help us recognize when our teens are using behaviors to communicate that something is wrong, even if they are not verbally expressing that they are not okay. If your teen is displaying any of the behaviors listed above, we strongly recommend that you schedule an urgent visit with their Primary Care or Mental Health Provider.

Red Flags (Immediate Action Required)

While some of the warning signs above prompt you to book an urgent appointment with a counselor or Pediatrician, the signs we will be discussing below require your immediate attention and action. These are potential warning signs that a teen may display when they are contemplating suicide:

• Making statements or writing about suicide

• Completely withdrawing from social settings or contact with others

• Giving away belongings to friends or family

• Increased use of substances such as alcohol or drugs

• Showing repeated signs that they feel trapped or hopeless about a certain situation or their life in general

We recognize that it is not an easy task to have a conversation about Mental Health or suicide with your teen. It can be just as difficult for a teen to start the conversation with their parent or caregiver when they are having challenges with their mental health. When in doubt, don’t wait for your child to come to you. Having an open and honest conversation with them, and asking about suicide specifically, can create the opportunity to connect your teen with a professional at the right time. For teens or any individual in crisis and considering suicide, immediate support can be provided by calling the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255.

For ongoing support for your teen, a therapist can provide the consistent level of support they need for them to reach a better place in their mental health. To book a consultation and receive more information about our services, click here. 

Supporting Our Youth and Their Mental Health

By Melody Wright, LMFT

At Life By Design Therapy, we understand the importance of supporting the Mental Health needs for all ages and at all stages of life. Recent trends indicate a need for us to address the Mental Health needs of our youth. Mental health-related illnesses and concerns are becoming increasingly common amongst teens in the United States and globally. It is important for teens, and parents of teens, to have the right information and resources to recognize when a teen may be going through a tough time. It is also important to discuss when it might be time to seek professional help. 

Youth Mental Health and Teen Suicide Rates

According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), children being diagnosed with depression or anxiety has increased over time. For teens specifically, depression, substance use, and suicidality become more prevalent as they get older. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry states that suicide was the second leading cause of death for 15 to 24 year old’s in 2021. Some of the risk factors associated with suicidal thoughts and possible attempts include exposure to violence, bullying, access to firearms, and a family history of suicide attempts. 

Challenges Our Teens Face Today

As a caregiver, it may be difficult to relate to the current challenges that our teens face today. That said, it is important to gain a better understanding of these challenges in order to adequately support them. 

Some of the current challenges teens face are associated with the amount of access they have to technology and different social media platforms. These challenges can include the increased prevalence of materialism, peer pressure, exposure to body standards that impact their self-esteem, and incidents of cyberbullying. All of these challenges can impact the way that a teen perceives themselves compared to others, and create feelings of inadequacy should they feel like they “aren’t enough” or don’t “have enough.” 

Additional challenges that teens face can be associated with their family dynamics, their community, the society at large, or the current political climate. Examples of this can include financial responsibilities at a young age, violence in schools, education inequality, a shifting economy, and feelings of uncertainty related to global events such as the Covid pandemic or political conflicts. 

Ways to Support Your Teen

There are different ways to help support our teens depending on the challenge, or challenges, they are currently facing. As parents and caregivers, some of the ways we can support them include:

• Monitor their social media use: Teens and their self-esteem can be greatly affected by what they are exposed to on social media. As their parent or caregiver, it’s important to help them discern between what posts are portraying real life, and what posts or images are capturing staged moments or unrealistic lifestyle standards. (Please note that there is a difference between monitoring and controlling social media use. As your teen grows and develops, it is important to establish a level of trust and independence in order to foster a positive relationship with them. A total control of their social media accounts may hinder their need for independence, and negatively impact your relationship with them.) 

• Create a time to connect: As a teen, it can be difficult to navigate all of the changes that come with adolescence (changes in hormones, increased peer pressure, navigating friendships, etc.). Making time to sit and talk with your teen can give them the space they need to share their current stressors. This also creates an opportunity for them to seek guidance from you, or simply talk about what is currently on their mind. 

• Encourage structure and healthy habits: Creating structure and healthy habits within the home can create a sense of stability for teens. Structure can include a daily routine, designated days for outdoor play or extracurricular activities, and creating a space and time to help them (and you) decompress after a long week. These activities and structure can help with both their physical and mental health. 

Teen-Friendly Resources

There are many available resources that your teen can tap into should they express that they need additional support. Some of those resources include:

• The Trevor Project, information and support for LGBTQ Youth: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ 

• Mindfulness for Teens: http://mindfulnessforteens.com/ 

• Crisis Text Line : www.crisistextline.org/  or Text “START” to 741-741

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
  
  

We understand that the needs of our youth are complex and may go beyond some of the topics discussed above. It is our hope to continue providing our readers with additional information and resources regarding teen Mental Health in this new monthly blog series. With that said, if you or someone you love is struggling with their Mental Health, we encourage you to talk to a therapist today. For more information on how to connect with one of our therapists, click here and consider scheduling a consultation.

What Are The Long-Term Effects of Stress on Our Body?

By Melody Wright, LMFT

“I’m feeling really stressed right now, but I can handle it for a while longer, right?” Well, maybe, but we’re not sure that is a great idea. While we all experience different levels of stress throughout our lifespan, constant exposure to stress can have long-term effects on our bodies. Some individuals may be able to tolerate high stress levels for extended periods of time, but ultimately these levels of stress will begin to take their toll. While we understand that reducing stress or getting rid of certain stressors may be easier said than done, you may want to consider reevaluating your current stress levels after learning more about the long-term impact. 

The long-term effects of stress can affect different areas of our body, including our mind and emotions. Below are some of the signs and symptoms of high stress levels broken down by the areas of the body they usually affect:

Cognitive (Mind):

• Racing mind/thoughts

• Difficulty being still

• Forgetting things or feeling disorganized

• Unable to focus

• Avoiding responsibilities or procrastinating

Emotional:

• Being/feeling irrational

• Becoming frustrated or agitated easily

• Lashing out at friends and loved ones

• Feeling lonely or worthless

Physical: 

• Changes in appetite or eating habits

• Compromised immune system that leads to getting ill more often

• Constantly feeling tense (ie. muscle tension or clenched jaw)

• Gastrointestinal issues (ie. irregular bowel movements or stomach pain)

• Headaches or migraines

• Lack of sleep

• Developing chronic conditions such as heart disease or high blood pressure

If you find yourself currently experiencing some of the symptoms above, it’s not too late to address your stress levels and their subsequent effects. While not all effects are reversible, such as developing high blood pressure, addressing your stress at any age can improve your health and overall quality of life. You can start off small by adding some stress-relieving activities into your day, such as taking a 15 minute walk every evening before settling in to your bedtime routine. If you’ve noticed yourself feeling drained after seeing certain friends or family, you may want to consider seeing them less often or setting up boundaries around how often you interact with them.

As mentioned before, we acknowledge that it may not be easy to completely get rid of some stressors, but you can help mitigate their effects. If your job is a constant source of stress, but you are the sole-breadwinner within your household, it can feel like you have no other option but to continue with your current routine. If you find it difficult to think of ways to help address your stress, we encourage you to consider talking to a therapist that will help you look at different options to incorporate some stress-relieving activities into your routine. For more information, click here to help schedule a consultation. 

Dealing With Depression: Common Triggers and How to Address Them

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Approximately 10% of Americans live with depression, and encountering situations that trigger their depression can be very common. Depression can often be triggered by a stressful or negative life event. Learning about common triggers can help individuals who experience depression avoid, or mitigate for, a depressive episode.

Below are 5 common depression triggers and skills to help address them:

1. Overwhelming/Stressful Tasks: Coming home to a messy apartment or being scheduled to work overtime for the 3rd day in a row can create high levels of stress and leave you feeling overwhelmed. Creating boundaries around what you can and cannot do can help address these types of stressful situations before they become a depressive episode. Saying “no” to additional overtime opportunities, or deciding to clean your apartment one room at a time are both examples of boundaries you can set with others and with yourself to begin tackling these stressful scenarios. 

2. Lack of Sleep: Research shows that a lack of sleep can directly affect an individual’s depression. Having a consistent sleep schedule, including a set bedtime and wake time can help improve your chances at getting enough sleep. Implementing a consistent routine before bedtime can also help teach your body when it is time to go to bed. This can include a warm bath at the same time every evening, or turning on a lavender-scented diffuser before getting into bed. 

3. Financial Hardship: Financial hardships, especially when unexpected, can create high levels of stress for any individual. A few skills to address finances include creating a monthly budget and reviewing it routinely, looking into community resources that provide payment assistance with certain household bills or necessities, and engaging in low-cost or free activities so that finances do not limit you from making plans with friends or loved ones. 

4. Significant Life Events: Life changes that are unexpected and out of your control can leave you feeling lost or unsure of how to process these changes. In times like these, it is important to connect with friends or loved ones not only to receive love and support, but also to have a listening ear from individuals that you trust. A divorce, a loss of a loved one, or a change in careers require major life decisions. Surrounding yourself with individuals you trust can provide you with the best opportunity to make rational decisions in the midst of stressful times. 

5. Drug/Alcohol Use: The use of alcohol or drugs can trigger or make depressive episodes worse. If you have a medical provider that you trust, we encourage you to schedule an appointment. Talking to a therapist or mental health professional can also be a great option to address alcohol or drug use. 

Not all of the triggers listed above may apply to you, so we encourage you to learn more about your common triggers and possible skills to help address them. If you find yourself needing support with figuring out what your triggers are, or would like to learn more strategies to cope with them, we encourage you to book a phone consultation today at Life by Design. Life by Design offers therapeutic services with qualified professionals that can give you the tools you need to help address your triggers and depression. Book a phone consultation today for more information and let’s get you connected to additional support.

My Present is Being Affected by My Past: How to Cope When Current Events Bring Up Past Trauma

By Melody Wright, LMFT

As we do our morning scroll through our news and social media apps, there is a substantial amount of events that we are constantly being exposed to. Whether these events are on an international level, such as war or tension between nations, a national level, such as politically charged or party-driven bills that are controversial in nature, or at a local level, such as riots as a result of police brutality, all of these events can trigger negative feelings or reactions. This is especially true if your past involves a traumatic event that is similar in nature to that of current events. 

While the media may be responsible for sharing and keeping us updated on current events, we have the responsibility to process the information that is delivered to us. Sometimes, this means that we need to process any negative feelings that may have been brought up in the course of receiving updates on current events. For an individual who has been targeted by law enforcement as a result of their race, watching a news segment on police brutality can be an extremely stressful experience that can trigger their past trauma. If you’re finding yourself struggling with current events triggering past trauma, below are some coping skills you can practice:

• Practice Mindfulness: Using mindfulness practices when you are feeling a rise in your stress or anxiety levels can be a great way to interrupt your negative thoughts and bring you back to the present. Breathing techniques or guided imagery are great options that can be easily used no matter where you are. 

• Set News or Social Media Boundaries: If you’re finding yourself feeling overwhelmed after scrolling through news and social media apps every morning, you may want to set boundaries around how you are using your time. Reducing your social media usage, changing the time of day in which you scroll through apps, or removing certain apps can help you limit the impact that these apps have on your overall mood. 

• Attend a Workshop or Support Group: There is great value in finding a community of people who share similar concerns, backgrounds, or experiences to you and are dedicated to providing support. Participating in a workshop or Support Group that focuses on the reason for your past trauma or current experiences can help you learn of what others with similar backgrounds are doing to process their trauma. 

• Consider Professional Help: If you’ve implemented any of the strategies above, or other strategies you’ve learned in the past, and are still having a hard time coping with current events, it may be time to consider professional help. 

Feeling constantly triggered by current events can leave us in a state of high stress and emotional fatigue. While we always encourage that you integrate self-care practices to help provide a sense of peace and balance, we acknowledge that it may not be enough. If you’ve considered talking to a therapist to help you process your current emotional state, now may be a good time to connect with someone at Life By Design. Click here for more information on scheduling a consultation. 

Battling a Bad Break-Up? How To Begin Healing From Relationship Trauma

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Some relationships can negatively impact our self-esteem, our ability to trust others, and affect our overall well being. They can also leave us with the daunting task to “undo” or heal from trauma that was experienced during our time in that relationship. While healing from relationship trauma will not happen overnight, it is important for you to know that healing can happen with time and by having the right tools.   

Whether you’ve recently left a long-term abusive or tumultuous relationship, or have ended a relationship over an unexpected traumatic event such as infidelity, relationship trauma can create feelings of rage or anger toward your ex-partner and even yourself. In order to process your feelings and move forward toward a healthier and wiser version of yourself, it is important to address the feelings you have associated with your previous relationship and partner. 

Once you feel like you are ready to begin moving on from your last relationship, consider the following tips to kickstart your journey toward healing:

• Build, or rebuild, your support system: Your last relationship may have created some distance between you and your friends or family. Having a support system of trusted individuals can help provide you with listening ears and shoulders to lean on in moments where you feel alone. Consider reaching out to your friends and family to let them know you would appreciate their support at this time. If you find it difficult to share details about your current situation with friends and family, look into support groups in your area that focus on healing from abusive or unhealthy relationships. 

• Create a new routine: Creating a new routine may help provide you with the fresh start you need to begin healing. We recommend that your new routine include ways to address both your physical and emotional needs. Ensuring you have time to prepare and eat well-balanced meals, get regular sleep, spend time outdoors, and implement self-care techniques are all great ways to begin nurturing your body and mind. 

• Establish boundaries: Talking about your previous relationship or seeing your ex-partner on social media may bring back negative feelings or trigger difficult emotions for you. Take some time to identify and establish boundaries that will help you process your feelings at your own pace and protect your peace. This can include unfollowing or blocking your ex-partner on your social networks, asking your friends or family not to bring up your past relationship, or not visiting certain parts of town to minimize the chances of running into your ex-partner. 

Some break-ups are more difficult to process than others. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or unable to cope with the feelings you have associated with the break-up, it may be a good time to schedule an appointment with a therapist. We encourage you to book a phone consultation today for more information. 

Addressing Anxiety At-Home: Relieving Anxiety by Icing Your Vagus Nerve

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Did you know that approximately 18% of the American population experiences anxiety-related disorders, but only about 37% of the population will access treatment? Recent world events have also created higher levels of anxiety, and accessing treatment outside of the home may pose some challenges depending on your region’s Covid restrictions. Addressing anxiety-related symptoms can look differently depending on the individual. For those that may be experiencing barriers accessing resources for anxiety, there are tools that can be learned to help relieve anxiety from the comfort of your own home. Some of the tools involve techniques related to the physical body, such as icing your vagus nerve, as changes in the physical body can create changes in our mental and emotional wellbeing.  

What is a Vagus nerve?

 The vagus nerve is the main nerve of your parasympathetic nervous system. The parasympathetic nervous system controls body functions such as your heart rate, respiratory rate, digestion, and immune system. When activated, the vagus nerve will send a signal to the parasympathetic nervous system to relax. This will then slow down your heart and respiratory rates. 

How do I “ice” my Vagus nerve?

There are many ways to activate your vagus nerve. You can “ice” your vagus nerve by holding a zip lock bag full of ice cubes on your face, or dipping your face in a bowl with cold water. You can also hold a bag of ice on your chest and lay down for 10 to 15 minutes. Another way to activate your vagus nerve without “icing” it is to practice slow deep breaths. 

Why does icing my Vagus nerve relieve anxiety?

Anxiety will usually trigger the fight or flight response, which will increase our heart rate and speed up our breathing. According to experts, cold temperatures can activate your vagus nerve, which will send signals to your parasympathetic system to relax. These signals will help you slow your heart rate, and as a result your breathing, which counteracts the signals that your body sends to “fight or fly” when experiencing anxiety. 

What else can I do at home to relieve my anxiety?

While icing your vagus nerve can be a great way to reduce your anxiety in the moment, we know this may not always be a practical option for our readers to tap into. If you don’t have a bag of ice readily available, or prefer to alternate between strategies, here are some other tools you can use to reduce your anxiety:

• Shift your focus: Distracting your mind can be a great way to pull yourself out of anxious thoughts and get back to the present moment. You can do this by using the 5-4-3-2-1 method. Find and name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. 

• Peel an orange: Certain scents, such as citrus and lavender, can have calming effects on the body. Peeling an orange can help introduce a calming scent to your current environment. 

• Practice Box Breathing: As mentioned before, deep breathing can help activate your vagus nerve. If you’re not familiar with any breathing exercise, try box breathing. To practice box breathing, you inhale for a count of 4, hold your breath for a count of 4, exhale for a count of 4, and hold your breath out for a count of 4. Repeat as necessary until you feel a sense of calm. 

These tips and strategies may help temporarily ease anxiety for some of our readers, but they may not adequately address ongoing anxiety and its related symptoms. Engaging in therapeutic services with a mental health professional may be more appropriate for anyone facing challenges with their current coping mechanisms, or individuals that have been experiencing anxiety for a long period of time. If you find yourself needing new strategies to help you address your anxiety levels, we encourage you to book a phone consultation today at Life by Design. Our telehealth services can be a great resource for anyone experiencing barriers with accessing services outside of their home. 

Brain Fog and Anxiety: Why Is It Hard For Me to Focus?

By Melody Wright, LMFT

As a result of the Covid pandemic, and its impact on our day-to-day lives, many of us have been experiencing increased levels of stress over the last couple of years. These heightened stress levels may have impacted or exacerbated areas of our lives related to our physical and mental health. For individuals that experience anxiety, high levels of stress can make anxiety levels worse. This increase in stress and overall levels of anxiety can affect our ability to focus, or create “brain fog.”

What is Brain Fog?

 “Brain Fog” is a term used to describe a lack of mental clarity, the inability to focus, feeling confused, or simply feeling “scatter-brained.” Brain fog can make it difficult to complete tasks that you previously may not have had any issues completing. It can also present itself as forgetfulness, or being easily distracted. Other characteristics of brain fog can include feeling fatigued, or having a hard time organizing thoughts or activities. 

Why does my brain feel foggy when I am anxious?

Anxiety taps into our mental capacity. If a person is experiencing an increase in anxious thoughts and taps into their mental resources at a higher rate than usual, this can have an impact  on their overall thought process. A high impact on a person’s thought process is what can create feelings of brain fog. The stressors, anxiety levels, and mental resources can vary from person to person, and so can their resulting levels of brain fog. 

How can I “clear out” my brain fog?

Since brain fog can be directly related to anxiety, it is important to address the “root cause” of the brain fog. Treatment for anxiety is not a “one size fits all” – different individuals have different needs and it’s important to explore options in order to see what works best for you. With that said, below are some options to help address the brain fog that comes as a result of anxious thoughts:

• Incorporate mindfulness practices into your day. This can include taking a walk when you feel overwhelmed with work, or playing nature sounds on your phone when you’re doing an activity that is causing you stress. 

• Keep a notebook or planner handy in order to write down to-do items. This can help address the sense of forgetfulness that you may experience as a result of brain fog. 

• Whenever possible, reassess your current timelines or activities with time constraints and ask for extensions or accommodations. Whether it’s asking for an extension on a report, or requesting an accommodation for a longer test-taking period, making adjustments to activities that cause high levels of stress can help alleviate stress and reduce anxiety levels. These activities also require a higher level of focus, so an extended timeline can help give you that extra time you need to think. 

• Book an appointment with a therapist. If you’re having some trouble implementing strategies to help your anxiety and resulting brain fog, you can always tap into outside support. A therapist can help you implement coping mechanisms that may be a better fit for you and your day-to-day routine and responsibilities. 

While the tips above may be helpful to some of our readers, we encourage you to tweak them and make them your own so they can best support you and your current lifestyle. If you find yourself needing additional support, but have not taken steps to find and see a therapist, we encourage you to book a phone consultation today at Life by Design. Life by Design offers therapeutic services with qualified professionals that can give you the tools you need to help address anxiety and brain fog. Book a phone consultation today to get you connected to additional support.

I Feel Like My Body Autonomy is Under Attack: How to Cope with Political Threats Against Women’s Rights

by Melody Wright, LMFT

The recent threats against Roe vs. Wade have made many women feel as though their bodies, rights, and reproductive health are under attack. While this may not be the first time that women have felt personally affected by a potential impact on our current rights and access to reproductive health care, it feels increasingly difficult to cope with politically-driven threats after all that has occurred in this country over the last couple of years. Decisions related, but not limited to, the Covid pandemic, women’s rights, and immigrant’s rights have all been highly politicized, to the point where one can feel that decisions are being made for us solely based on a political agenda that may not align with our needs or opinions. This can leave many women feeling concerned and overwhelmed by the prospect of losing rights that are strongly advocated for. 

Watching constant news updates regarding the political threats against women’s rights can leave you feeling powerless and concerned for the future. If you feel a calling to help advocate for women’s rights in order to cope with the current challenges posed by the political landscape, here are some ways you can do that:

• Volunteer: Look up your local women’s right organization and contact them to see if they have any open volunteer opportunities. This can also be an opportunity to learn more about women’s rights, and help you feel like you are making a positive impact in your community. 

• Speak up: Whether you choose to post about causes that you support on your social media platforms, or write and send letters to your local government representative, using your voice can be a powerful tool to help amplify other women’s voices. 

• Participate in a march or protest: Whenever safe, participating in marches or protests can be a great way to stand up and march for what you believe in. 

• Donate: If you have the resources available, donating to women’s rights organizations is a great way to show your support. This can also be a better fit if you feel that you are not able to donate your time in the way of volunteer work or participation in protests. 

• Self-care, self-care, self-care: Advocacy and activism can be hard work. This holds especially true when you are personally invested in the reasons behind your advocacy. It is important that you prioritize caring for yourself and meeting your needs when doing this kind of work. Whether it’s limiting the amount of time you spend watching the news, or taking time off of work when you feel burnt out, make sure you are intentional about incorporating different self-care strategies and practices into your daily routine. 

You may or may not be ready to participate in activism related to women’s rights, but you can be an advocate for your individual health and wellbeing. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or unable to cope with the current political landscape and its impact on women’s rights, it may be a good time to schedule an appointment with a therapist. The therapists at Life By Design can help you create strategies to address your current intake of daily news, support any feelings of frustration you may currently be experiencing, or provide you with avenues to channel your views of current politics. We encourage you to book a phone consultation today for more information. 

Social Media Sadness: The Link Between Depression and Social Media

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Have you ever found yourself feeling particularly sad, frustrated, upset, or just overall drained after browsing through Instagram or Facebook? There’s a reason for that. Recent studies have shown a correlation between social media use and depression. While Social Media apps themselves may not be causing depression, the amount of media that we consume may leave us feeling more insecure, exhausted, and socially isolated due to a lack of direct social interaction with others. All of these factors can directly contribute to feelings of sadness and depression. 

Spending an increased amount of time on Social Media apps can affect us in more ways than one. Depending on the accounts that you usually follow, seeing an influx of seemingly “perfect” individuals can affect how we perceive ourselves and our overall self-esteem. Constantly checking social media apps may also be creating disruptions in our day, which in turn creates an inability to focus on our tasks. This may lead to less free time to focus on things that bring us joy, such as connecting with others or spending quality time with loved ones. Increased screen time close to our bedtime may also create disruptions to our sleep, including less overall sleep time. Lack of sleep can at times be a contributing factor to depression.  

Now that you know how social media may be impacting your overall health and ability to connect with others, what can you do about it? If you want to work on decreasing your social media use, or being more intentional about the accounts you follow, try some of the following tips:

1. Set aside a specific time of the day to check your apps. This will help you limit your overall social media consumption and still give you time to check-in on your apps. If you can choose a specific day of the week where you don’t check social media at all, even better!

2. Spend time on a screen-free hobby. Whether it’s 30 minutes or an hour, set aside time every week to “unplug” and practice a hobby. 

3. Put your phone outside of your bedroom at night. Leaving your phone outside of your bedroom will minimize screen time use right before bed, helping you fall asleep faster and minimizing disruptions to your overall sleep.

4. Follow accounts or friends that add value. One of the positive things about social media is that you can choose who to follow and what content to see. If you find yourself feeling upset or overwhelmed by following certain accounts, try muting or unfollowing them altogether. 

5. As best as possible, try not to share everything going on in your life. Limiting what you post may help you be more present during important moments in your life where you would usually spend time trying to capture the “perfect photo” to post,  

Changing your social media habits and overall screen time can be really difficult, especially when you’ve made it part of your daily routine. If you’ve tried some of the strategies listed above and still find yourself taking in more screen time than you would like, you may benefit from some additional support. The therapists at Life By Design can help you create strategies to reduce your social media intake, and support any feelings of frustration or sadness that you may currently be experiencing. Schedule a phone consultation today for more information. 

My Anxious Thoughts Can Be Overwhelming: How to Use Affirmations to Help Ease Anxious Thoughts

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Anxious thoughts or worries can be caused by stress and anxiety. You may have noticed that current world events, as well as the ongoing pandemic, may have impacted or increased the amount of anxious thoughts you’re experiencing. If you’re finding that your anxious thoughts are becoming overwhelming, using coping mechanisms such as affirmations can help you ease your anxious thoughts. 

Affirmations can be described as positive statements that can help you challenge and address anxious, or worrying, thoughts. Affirmations are usually short statements that are meant to help you feel in control of your thoughts and emotions. When practiced enough, they can help us make positive changes and stop our anxious thoughts from escalating or becoming overwhelming. If you’re ready to create some affirmations for yourself, you can reference the tips below while you put them together:

• Make your affirmations short, sweet, and to the point. This will help make your affirmations easy to remember and easy to use whenever you need them. 

• Make affirmations relevant to you and your desired actions. The things that make you anxious can be very different than what makes someone else worry. Tailoring your affirmations to address the things that make you anxious, or help you refocus, will help them be more effective for you. 

• Make affirmations meaningful. Affirmations are meant to create a positive mindframe for you, and help you move away from anxious thoughts. The more meaningful the affirmation, the better mindset you can achieve from reciting it. 

If you’re having trouble coming up with some affirmations, here’s some sample ones to get you started:

• “This is only a thought, and I can change this thought”

• “I have been through this before, and trust I can get through this again”

• “I will take a step back and breathe, and return to this feeling relaxed and calmer”

• “I am enough and I am doing enough.”

• “I am open to new opportunities”

• “I am happy and grateful for my current health”

Notice that these affirmations can vary in purpose and address different types of thoughts. Affirmations can address negative thoughts directly (“This is only a thought, and I can change this thought”), or they can focus on specific feelings that may usually trigger worries or negative thoughts (“I am enough and I am doing enough.”) If you notice that specific feelings trigger your anxious thoughts, such as not feeling worthy or being concerned about not doing enough, you can create affirmations that help remind you that you are worthy and that you are doing your best, which is more than enough. As you create these affirmations, we encourage you to be gentle with yourself and remember to give yourself grace, and integrate that grace and care within your affirmations. 

While we understand that not all of these affirmations may be applicable to you, we encourage you to find and create affirmations that feel right for you and your current situation. If you find yourself needing some support with creating affirmations, or you’re interested in learning more strategies to combat your anxious thoughts, we encourage you to book a phone consultation today at Life by Design. Life by Design offers therapeutic services with qualified professionals that can give you the tools you need to help address your worries and anxious thoughts. Book a phone consultation today for more information and get you connected to additional support. 

Trouble in Paradise? How to Practice Better Communication Skills with Your Partner

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Talking to your partner during conflict is not always easy or constructive. When stressors are at an all-time high and patience is at an all-time low, it can make for a very difficult conversation or a potential argument. If you’re finding it hard to communicate with your partner during conflict, it may be time to change your approach. Here are some communication skills and strategies that you can practice next time you’re in the middle of conflict with your significant other:

Create a time and space to connect and converse

It is easy to get lost in the daily hustle and bustle of work, chores, pet or childcare, and other scheduled commitments. Sometimes, this means not being able to have a real conversation with your partner in weeks, or even months despite experiencing problems in your relationship. Being intentional about setting a recurring time and date to talk can help give you and your partner the space you need to truly connect, not just “talk.” Creating this time can also give you an opportunity to routinely check-in with each other about an ongoing concern as opposed to letting frustration build-up overtime. 

Listen to understand, not to respond

When you are frustrated, upset, or sensitive about a certain topic, it may be easy to become defensive when your partner brings this specific topic up (ie. division of chores, current finances, relationships with your in-laws, etc.). Our defensiveness usually manifests itself by interrupting or responding to our partner before they have even had a chance to finish sharing their thoughts. With that said, it is important to understand why your partner is bringing up this topic in the first place. Listening to understand is a skill that can take some time to learn, but can drastically improve the dynamic in your conversations with your partner and with others. When you are able to listen to your partner’s complete thought or story before jumping in with a response, you are able to better understand where they are coming from, and can then respond to your partner’s concern without becoming defensive. 

Be fully present in the conversation

Some people prefer to avoid or not engage in confrontation. While we understand that engaging in a difficult conversation is not everyone’s cup of tea, it is important that you remain fully present in conversations that you have with your partner. This means getting rid of any distractions or things that can withdraw from your attention, such as cell phones or other electronic devices. Being able to fully engage in conversations with your partner, no matter how difficult, can show your partner that you care about what they have to say and will help lessen the amount of information you would have missed due to not giving your partner your full attention. 

Avoid judging or insulting your partner.

Conflict can bring out the worst in us. When communicating with your partner during conflict, it is important to keep your composure and avoid judging or insulting your partner. A constructive conversation can quickly go south when someone decides to accuse, assume, belittle, or insult the other person. In order to increase your chances at having a constructive conversation and positive resolution, it is important that we try our hardest to avoid these “low blows.” 

We understand that implementing these strategies and suggestions to improve your communication with your partner may be easier said than done. You may also feel that no matter how hard you and your partner have tried to talk recently, you’ve hit a roadblock in your relationship and need help getting past it. Our therapists at Life By Design offer couples counseling that aims to help partners work through challenges and breaks in communication. Schedule a phone consultation today to help you and your partner get back on track with your communication and overall relationship.