Winter Survival Tips: How to Prepare for Seasonal Affective Disorder

by Melody Wright, LMFT

In many places, the winter months bring gloomier weather and less daylight hours compared to the weather and sunlight we get during the spring and summer months. These seasonal changes can lead to a type of depression called “Seasonal Affective Disorder.” Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, usually presents itself during the Fall and continues into the Winter months. SAD symptoms include having low energy, experiencing problems with sleep, having changes in your appetite, and feeling depressed for most of the day almost every day.

If you’ve experienced Seasonal Affective Disorder in the past, or are currently experiencing SAD-related symptoms, here are some tips to help you prepare for this winter:

• Plan some mood boosting activities.

  Whether you want to start a new yoga class or are long overdue for a group outing with friends, planning some activities for the Winter season can help you get ahead of the SAD symptoms. Focus on activities that you are comfortable with and usually put you in a good mood -- this will help avoid stressors that come with planning something you have not done before or aren’t sure about doing. 
  

• Try aromatherapy.

  Aromatherapy uses aromatic materials, like essential oils, to help improve your physical and emotional health. Scents like vanilla, jasmine, or sandalwood can help improve your mood and are available as an essential oil or candle. If you notice that certain scents help improve your mood, consider purchasing a diffuser or scented candle and setting it up in a space that you currently use to relax or unwind like a reading corner. 
  

• Consider using a light box.

  Some people benefit from using a light therapy box that mimics outdoor light. The light has an effect on the brain chemicals that are linked to mood and sleep, which can have a positive impact on SAD symptoms. 
  

• Catch all the sunshine that you can.

  While the winter months can limit the amount of sunshine that we usually get, making the most out of the hours when there is sunlight can help improve your mood and overall SAD symptoms. If you’re currently working from home, consider setting up your workspace near a window or right outside your balcony to catch some rays. Taking early morning walks can also help you get some sunlight as well as endorphins from the exercise. The increased sunlight and the endorphins should help improve your mood. 
  

• Take some time off.

  If you’re able to take some time off of work during the winter due to the holidays, this could be a great opportunity to focus on your self-care. If it’s possible and within your budget, it may also be a great time to travel to a place that gets more sunshine or take this opportunity to visit family or friends. Whether you’re able to take time off to focus on your self-care or travel to visit loved ones, both activities are great opportunities to help you recharge. 
  

• Talk to a doctor or therapist.

  Depending on the severity or consistency of your symptoms, it may be time to see your doctor or schedule an appointment with a therapist. A doctor or therapist is able to tailor solutions that are based on your individual health and lifestyle if you are experiencing severe Seasonal Affective Disorder symptoms. 

If you’ve experienced Seasonal Affective Disorder in the past, or have recently begun experiencing SAD-related symptoms, there are things you can do to help prepare for the upcoming winter season. Implementing mood boosting activities or routines can help enjoy your winter days to the fullest. 

Therapy can be a great part of your routine care and we encourage that you prioritize speaking with a professional if you notice that you have felt unmotivated or hopeless for a long period of time. Life by Design Therapy offers therapy and excellent workshops facilitated by qualified professionals to help you get through challenging times. Book a phone consultation today for more information and to help get you connected to additional support. 

Holiday Hostility? Strategies on Resolving Conflict with Your Partner This Holiday Season

by Melody Wright, LMFT

The holidays can bring up more arguments and friction than usual in our relationships. Traveling, visiting in-laws, and the pressure to spend money on extravagant gifts can increase our stress levels and decrease our patience. If you’re currently in the middle of conflict with your partner, or just want to prepare for potential disagreements, we hope the following strategies will help you and your partner have a harmonious holiday season.

Try not to point fingers. There’s only so much you can do when a flight gets delayed, and you’re forced to wait at the airport for more time than you anticipated. In stressful moments like these, it might be easy to shift blame and tell your partner that this is their fault (ie. “If we had booked an earlier flight like I suggested, this wouldn’t have happened”). Assigning blame won’t change your current predicament. In fact, it may even make it more stressful as you’ve now created a situation where your partner may feel hurt by your words. In situations like this, we encourage you to try and avoid pointing fingers. Instead, see if you can come together as a team to seek other potential options or making the most out of the additional time you have to spend airport (ie. Can you get some online shopping done while you wait at the terminal?). 

Avoid criticizing your partner. We get it, you’re in the middle of a store full of impatient shoppers, and your partner has yet again forgotten their wallet at home. All you can think of saying is “how can you be so forgetful?!” We know it may take a lot of effort, but we encourage you to take a pause whenever you feel like stating a negative critique toward your partner. This is a stressful moment for you both, and your partner may have had a lot on their mind before leaving the house. Instead of criticizing, try to find a solution to fix the immediate problem, then take time to talk about this once you’ve cooled down and settled in at home. You may find that there is a simple fix to an ongoing problem once you’ve taken the time to talk to each other (ie. Putting a box next to the door to store your partner’s wallet may give them a visual reminder to grab it before leaving the house.)

Identify the problem and choose to face it together. Sometimes all you need is a shift in your mindset. Instead of feeling like it’s you versus your partner, consider changing the dynamic to you and your partner versus the problem. When you decide to work together to face a problem, you may realize that you no longer want to argue with your partner. Redirecting your focus may also help you come up with a solution quicker as your goal is now to fight the problem, not each other. 

Create an exit strategy. Sometimes being with extended family can be physically and emotionally exhausting, especially after limiting physical interactions over the last few months. If you or your partner know that spending too much time with in-laws has created high levels of tension in the past, it’s better to plan ahead. This will help you provide you with some options and hopefully prevent you from taking out your stress on each other. Whether it’s choosing to stay at a hotel instead of your in-law’s house or having a code word when you are ready to head home, respecting each other’s choice to leave at a reasonable time may help you end your night on a more positive note. 

We hope that these strategies have given you some tools to keep in your back pocket should you sense some conflict making its way into your relationship. For more information on how to handle relationship conflict, keep an eye out for our upcoming workshops. 

How to Navigate Difficult Conversations with Family Over the Holidays

by Melody Wright, LMFT

For many of us, these next few weeks will be filled with plans to see loved ones or get together with old friends. Depending on limitations that the pandemic has placed in your area, this may be the first time you will be reconnecting with friends and family in a long time. Whether you’re planning to see family in-person or virtually, we want to make sure you feel prepared to interact with people that you may not have seen in a while. 

Seeing family over the holidays sometimes means having to have difficult or uncomfortable conversations, especially after not interacting for months. In an effort to quickly catch up with you, they may start asking questions in true rapid fire fashion; “How have you been?” “How is work going?” or “How is life treating you?” as soon as you walk through the door. While these questions may sound harmless to others, they may bring up certain subjects that you may not be comfortable talking about. A recent change in your relationship status or changes in your physical appearance may prompt additional questions that you may not be ready to answer, and it’s important to recognize which topics may trigger discomfort or other unpleasant feelings for you. 

If you find yourself needing to navigate a difficult conversation with a family member over the holidays, review the strategies below and see which one you are comfortable using:

• Make sure you feel nourished and balanced before a difficult conversation. The act of nourishing yourself can be physical or emotional. Whether it’s making sure that you’ve had your breakfast and coffee, or completing a 5-minute mindfulness exercise before heading over to your loved ones, nourishing yourself can help you respond better to uncomfortable questions. 

• Approach conversations with empathy. Most of the time people mean well when they are asking how you are or want to know about a recent change in your life. When we recognize that others are coming from a place of good and assume positive intent, we are able to respond from a place of empathy rather than defensiveness. 

• Redirect as needed. Some conversations can be emotionally-charged as soon as they begin. If you feel yourself getting worked up or having a clear stress response in your body during a conversation, find an “out” that you are comfortable with. This can be something as simple as excusing yourself to the bathroom to collect your thoughts. Giving yourself a 5-minute pause can give you the break that you need to make a decision about how you want to respond to a conversation. 

• State your boundaries. If you are with a person that you feel you can express your boundaries to, more power to you! It is great to have some phrases ready to help you set these boundaries. This can include phrases such as “I’m not comfortable talking about that, how did you like the apple pie mom made?” or “That’s not something I’m ready to share yet, let me help you carry those plates to the kitchen.” These can help you express your boundary and give you an opportunity to continue with a conversation that you are comfortable having. 

Remember that you are under no obligation to have conversations that make you uncomfortable simply to please others. We hope you are looking forward to all of the people you plan to see this holiday season, and that the tips above will help you navigate any difficult conversation that comes your way. If you haven’t already, check-out last year’s blog about coping with family gatherings for more tips and information on how to respond to difficult family members. 

Although we always hope for the best, sometimes these conversations do not always end well regardless of how hard we try to keep them on a positive note. Having to constantly feel uncomfortable in the presence of others may make us reevaluate our relationships with our loved ones. If you’ve decided to end or slowly fade away from a relationship with a loved one and are needing to process that loss, allow us at Life by Design to help. Look out for our upcoming workshops on Loss for more information.

It’s Okay Not to Be Okay; How to Overcome When You’re Feeling Overwhelmed

by Melody Wright, LMFT

2021 has presented us with many challenges at an individual, national, and global level. These challenges have created higher levels of stress in us and those around us. Many people have reported feeling high levels of stress due to being affected by Covid, being impacted by the racial and political tension within our country, and being exposed to higher rates of crime. These stressors may have also led to feelings of fear, frustration, anger, and overall feeling inundated by what is going on in the world around us. No matter what challenges or stressors you’ve faced this last year, we want to reassure you that it is okay not to be okay. 

As you look back at the events that took place over this last year, it is important to notice how these events have impacted your physical, emotional, and mental health. When we give ourselves permission to acknowledge that we are not okay or that something does not feel right, we can start the journey of healing by identifying the parts in us that need some extra care and attention. You may also find comfort in knowing that there are many others at this moment that are feeling the same way you are. It may also help you to know that there are strategies to help you cope when you are feeling overstressed or overwhelmed. 

At this point in time, you may be feeling like things are not going the way you hoped they would or that they are not getting better as fast as you’d hoped. That’s okay.

While it may not feel like things are going well for you right now, there are strategies you can implement today to help you feel a little less overwhelmed and more hopeful about current events: 

• Eat, sleep, repeat. This sounds easy in theory, but many people sacrifice sleep and regular meals when they feel stressed or overwhelmed. Ironically, not eating or sleeping well will contribute to higher stress levels or irritability. Getting enough sleep and eating well will help you with your focus and overall mood. 

• Pick-up or restart your old hobbies. It is important to make time for activities that create moments of fun and relaxation. If it’s been a while since your last nature hike, or you have been meaning to read a new book, adding just a few minutes to your day for a hobby can help give you some much needed me-time for things that make you happy. 

• Create a to-do list. If you’re feeling overwhelmed with tasks and work well with visual reminders, putting together a to-do list may help you organize your thoughts. You may find yourself feeling a bit more at ease once you can visualize all the things that need to be done. The physical act of getting the thoughts out of your mind and onto paper may also provide a sense of relief. Bonus points to you if you list items in order of priority so you can clearly identify what needs to get done first. 

• Tidy up. The last thing you want to do sometimes is add another item to your to-do list. With that said, cleaning can help give you a break from your overwhelming thoughts AND help you declutter your physical space. The decluttering of your physical space can help you feel mentally decluttered as well. 

Whether you’re going through a difficult time in your life or are feeling emotionally exhausted due to this year’s events, know that you are among many who are experiencing and feeling the same things you are. You may not be okay right now, but you will be. Being able to feel okay again sometimes means tapping into your support system. Your support system can help give you an outside perspective or coping strategies based on your current life circumstances.

Remember that a therapist can be part of that much-needed support system. For more information, reach out to us on getting connected to a member of our team. 

Also, if you’re needing some additional support we have an online Grief and Loss Workshop this December. Click here to learn more.

How To Cope with Feelings of Grief and Loss During The Covid-19 Pandemic

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Losing a loved one can have a strong impact on our lives and wellbeing, but not all losses look the same. Unfortunately, the pandemic has increased our likelihood of experiencing loss. It has also made many of us reevaluate our relationships with friends and loved ones. Whether it’s the death of a loved one, the end of a romantic relationship, or choosing to cut ties with a family member, loss can leave us experiencing feelings of grief that can affect our physical and emotional state. 

What Is Grief?

“Grief is the intense emotional response to the pain of a loss. It is the reflection of a connection that has been broken. Most important, grief is an emotional, spiritual, and psychological journey to healing. There is wonder in the power of grief.” – David Kessler

You may have heard that grief occurs in stages. While this may be true, it does not mean that the grief process is linear or follows a certain pattern. Everyone experiences grief differently, but having an understanding of your feelings and acknowledging how your body is processing a loss may help you recognize if or when you need outside support to help you heal. 

The traditional stages of grief include the following emotions and actions: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Every person who experiences loss will not experience these stages in the same way. They may go back and forth between stages, or skip stages altogether. No matter what your grief journey looks like, know that there are resources and tools that can help you cope with your grief.  

What Can I Do To Address My Grief?

Experiencing a loss can be one of the hardest things a person will experience in their lifetime. While the emotions that come as a result of a loss can sometimes feel overwhelming, know that there are people and strategies that you can tap into when you feel like you need some extra support.

Below are some coping strategies to help support your grief process during the COVID-19 pandemic:

• Give yourself time and grace. The grief process is exactly that, a process. It will take time to address how you feel and what life changes you want to make, if any, as a result of a loss. Take time to honor your feelings associated with your grief, validate them, and understand why they are there. 

• Take care of yourself. Whether this means taking some time off of work to process your feelings, or adding more outside time to your evenings, we encourage you to listen to your body and give it what it needs to feel better. 

• Connect with others. Talking to a friend or joining a support group can create opportunities to connect with others that may help you on your grief journey. Having conversations with friends and peers that have gone through a similar experience may give you an opportunity to gain an outside perspective or hear words of consolation when experiencing loss. 

• Talk to a therapist. If you feel as though your grief is becoming too much for you to process on your own, or you are simply wanting additional support during your grief journey, connecting with a therapist may be a good option for you. A therapist can help provide you with additional tools and strategies that are tailored to your current needs.  

When Is It Time to Seek Outside Help?

Sometimes the feelings of grief can become too much for someone to process on their own. If you or a loved one is experiencing any of the following, it may be time to seek outside help:

• Isolating or withdrawing yourself from others or your usual activities

• Feeling difficulty focusing on anything that isn’t related to the recent loss

• Feeling like you lack purpose or meaning in life

No matter what stage of grief you are experiencing, there are resources and people available to help support your journey to healing. Grief is a personal process, and it is important not to minimize your feelings.

If you’re looking for more ways to work through pandemic-related grief and loss, sign-up for our upcoming online workshop, Moving Through Grief: Processing Grief and Loss in a Multilayered Pandemic, to learn more tips and skills to best support your grief process. 

Are You Sabotaging Your Own Relationship?

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Sometimes, we run away from or reject relationships that are good for us due to our own limiting beliefs. Naturally, not all relationships are destined to work out. However, if you have ever chosen to start a fight or end an otherwise healthy relationship over something relatively unimportant, you might be guilty of self-sabotage. 

We may or may not recognize when we are sabotaging our relationships -- but if we find ourselves in a pattern of failed relationships, it is worth examining our beliefs and behaviors to see if self-sabotage may be contributing. In this blog post, we'll discuss how to notice when you might be engaging in self-sabotage, the types of self-sabotaging behaviors that often impact relationships, and what to do if you want to stop sabotaging your relationships.

What is Self-Sabotage?

Self-sabotage is the act of covertly damaging or ruining something we care about or that is beneficial to us, often without realizing it. In relationships, we might exhibit this behavior by saying something we don't mean to our partners, inciting inflammatory arguments, or even ending a happy and loving relationship for no good reason. This can lead to a pattern of repeated arguments and/or failed relationships that negatively impacts our happiness.

Oftentimes, we engage in self-sabotage because of negative core beliefs related to ourselves and others. We may think we are unworthy of love or that all relationships are destined to fail, leading us to think and behave in certain ways that impact our relationships. For example, if we believe all relationships are destined to fail, we may not give our partner our best effort or may even end the relationship preemptively to protect ourselves from heartbreak.

Types of Relationship Self-Sabotage

Relationship self-sabotage is not "one-size-fits-all." There are various ways in which we might sabotage our relationships depending upon our individual beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors.

Some examples of self-sabotaging behaviors that often affect people in relationships include:

• Getting into relationships with partners who have no long-term potential

• Comparing our current partner to a previous partner (or an "ideal partner")

• Being overly critical of our partners' characteristics, flaws, or mistakes

• Avoiding intimacy by holding back our thoughts and emotions when we feel vulnerable

• Inciting inflammatory arguments over small, insignificant problems or actions

• Only starting to feel uncertain about the relationship when it shows signs of progression

• Ending a relationship preemptively, before our partner can hurt us by ending it themself 

Why We Sabotage Our Relationships

Just as self-sabotage can look different to everyone, it can also come from different places. Many times, self-sabotage originates with a traumatic experience or self-limiting beliefs we hold about ourselves or about relationships.

Some examples of beliefs that can fuel self-sabotage include:

• I am not worthy of love.

• I am not good enough.

• Other people can't be trusted.

• My partners always leave me.

• Relationships never last.

• Intimacy is dangerous

• Vulnerability is weakness.

How to Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships

Now that you understand how and why you might be sabotaging your relationships, the big question is this: how do you stop engaging in self-sabotage? Many of us who self-sabotage want to enjoy healthy, lasting relationships; we simply do not know how to do this without unintentionally sabotaging ourselves.

One way to catch yourself when you engage in self-sabotage is to understand your attachment style and how it might influence your behavior in relationships. We previously posted a series of blogs about attachment styles -- give them a read to help you understand yours and how it might influence the way you behave in relationships. If you have an insecure attachment style, you might be especially likely to self-sabotage.

The process of recognizing and correcting self-sabotage is ongoing and requires constant attention to our thoughts and behaviors. It can be challenging to undergo this process on your own, but you do not need to do it alone. Therapy can help you catch and correct negative beliefs that lead to self-sabotage. Contact Life by Design Therapy today to learn how our clinicians can help you enjoy happier, healthy relationships -- without sabotaging yourself.

Interested in attachment?

Read our attachment blog series to learn how your attachment style impacts your relationship!

Ecotherapy And The Healing Power of Nature

by Melody Wright, LMFT

We all know that spending time outdoors is good for us. Many of us are instinctively drawn to nature and enjoy outdoor forms of exercise like hiking, biking, or swimming. But nature does not only affect our physical health: it impacts our mental health as well.

Research has found that spending time in nature offers various mental health benefits. Spending time outdoors has long been a popular self-help strategy for individuals struggling with mental health issues or psychological stress. Now, even mental healthcare professionals are harnessing its advantages to help clients struggling with anxiety, depression, and more. 

The practice of incorporating nature into mental healthcare is known as ecotherapy or ecopsychology. Ecotherapy is a relatively new therapeutic specialty, but it shows substantial promise in the field. As a client (or potential client), here's what you should know about ecotherapy and how it can help you thrive.

The Mental Health Benefits of Nature

Studies dating back to the 1970s and 80s have documented the health-promoting effects of nature. For example, in a study conducted between 1972 and 1981, and published in 1984, Ulrich found that patients recovering from surgery had shorter hospital stays when their rooms came with a view of the outdoors.Nature has also been found to have a profound influence on mood and cognition. Ulrich observed in 1991 that the brains of healthy, unstressed individuals viewing scenes of nature produced more serotonin than the brains of those not looking at natural scenes. The benefits are not only biological: individuals in connection with nature report greater subjective feelings of happiness, too.Research has only recently begun to explore the implications of nature on psychopathology. Nature-based interventions have been successful in helping individuals with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Ecotherapy may also be helpful for people with schizophrenia, impacting both their physical health and self-esteem.So, why is connecting with nature so helpful for our health? Experts have proposed an explanation called the biophilia hypothesis. According to this hypothesis, humans have an innate drive to connect with nature because our ancestors relied on the land for their survival. Another hypothesis, the stress reduction hypothesis, proposes the idea that interaction with nature triggers an innate biological response that naturally lowers our stress levels.

What is Ecotherapy?

Ecotherapy is a modality used by mental health professionals to address concerns like stress, anxiety, depression, and more. Just as we do at Life by Design Therapy, ecotherapy takes a holistic approach to mental healthcare, by combining traditional talk therapy with interventions that occur in contact with the natural landscape.It's important to understand that in ecotherapy, time spent in nature does not replace traditional therapy. Instead, time in nature is used to supplement the benefits obtained by engaging in therapy with a trained mental healthcare professional. Some of the ways that ecotherapy incorporates nature into the therapeutic process include:

• Outdoor meditation or yoga

• Nature-based metaphors

• Books about the natural world

• Therapy sessions that are held outdoors

• Animal-assisted therapy

"Ecotherapist" is an unofficial term that any clinician can use to describe themselves and the way they utilize nature in their practice. However, many therapists choose to support their professional development by taking ecotherapy certification courses online or in person. These courses offer additional insight into how building or strengthening a connection with the natural world can be helpful to clients.

Working with an Ecotherapist

If you are located in the Bay Area and interested in working with an ecotherapist, Life by Design Therapy has openings! Our staff therapist Krystal Williams, LMFT, LPCC, incorporates ecotherapy into her practice, as well as other holistic approaches such as mindfulness and expressive arts. She is currently completing her second level of the ecotherapy certification and would love to meet you. Contact us today to see if Krystal could be a good fit for your needs.

References:

1. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/6143402/

2. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1992-97201-000

3. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0013916512451901

4. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17007224/

Three Keys to Self-Love

by Melody Wright, LMFT

In today's world, loving yourself is easier said than done. We are constantly bombarded with cultural messages that tell us we aren't "enough" in one way or another: thin enough, pretty enough, happy enough, successful enough. 

At the same time, the media encourages us to buy into a commercialized version of self-love that requires us to purchase yoga equipment, expensive supplements, and beauty products as an expression of our commitment to ourselves.

When we view self-love as a destination, rather than an ever-evolving journey, the task of learning to love ourselves can feel overwhelming. Realistically, self-love is better thought of as self-compassion. 

When we are compassionate toward ourselves, we recognize that, as humans, we are inherently flawed -- yet our flaws do not make us any less worthy of empathy or respect. We recognize that we will always have moments where self-love doesn't feel authentic, but that these moments do not define our value.

Even as you are unlearning harmful beliefs or silencing your inner critic, you can still show yourself love and treat yourself with the kindness you deserve. Over time, these three key behaviors can help you strengthen your commitment to loving yourself.

1. Honor Your Needs

Growing up, your parents may have stressed to you the importance of distinguishing "needs" vs. "wants." This principle goes for money, but also for behaviors. Some actions -- such as substance abuse, driving too fast, or texting an ex-lover -- may feel good to us in the moment, yet we know that, in the long-run, they may have harmful or even dangerous consequences on our physical, mental, and/or emotional health.

Self-respect goes hand-in-hand with self-love. When we respect ourselves, we know and honor our needs. This includes our basic needs, such as eating right and getting enough sleep, but also our emotional needs, such as setting boundaries and avoiding self-destructive behaviors. Focusing on what we need over what we want helps us turn away from harmful patterns, like skipping meals or practicing unsafe behaviors -- even when they are temporarily gratifying.

2. Keep Good Company

The people we surround ourselves with are a reflection of our opinion of ourselves. When we do not love ourselves, we may allow people into our lives who take too much and offer little in return. "Frenemies" or toxic individuals often take advantage of people with weak boundaries. That doesn't mean that it's your fault for permitting this behavior to happen. However, it's important to recognize that you always have a choice about what kinds of behavior you will accept from others moving forward.

Loving yourself means defining the types of behavior you are and are not willing to tolerate from the company you keep, and enforcing consequences when your boundaries are violated. Sometimes, when boundaries are repeatedly violated by the same person, the most appropriate consequence may be to limit the amount of time we spend with that person, or to cut them out of our lives altogether. When we love ourselves, we view the decision to let go of a toxic relationship as a natural progression of their behavior, rather than the product of selfishness.

3. Accept All Emotions

Many of us fall into the trap of labeling our emotions as "good" or "bad." As a result, we may try to hide from our so-called "negative" emotions via compartmentalization, suppression, or avoidance. These labels are often learned from our culture, the media, or others around us. However, we can also make a conscious decision to unlearn these designations and find acceptance in all of our physical and mental sensations. When we love ourselves, we do not judge ourselves for experiencing unpleasant emotions. 

Loving ourselves means accepting all of our emotions as a natural part of the human experience. Even the most cheerful people we know must experience sadness, anger, guilt, or grief in order to understand what true happiness feels like. Rather than labeling emotions as "good" or "bad," we can choose to honor all of our emotions by being present with our thoughts and bodily sensations. We can then use this mindfulness to make an informed decision about how we want to react to those emotions, rather than giving into an automatic urge that could result in self-sabotage, or mental or physical harm.

While simply stated, we understand the tools mentioned above can take time, lots of practice, and a willingness to move beyond what has been familiar and comfortable to you.  At Life by Design Therapy, we work with adults, couples, teens and families to support the inner work necessary to have more self-compassion, self-acceptance and self-love.

Five Characteristics of a Narcissistic Relationship that Can Be Mistaken for Emotional Intimacy

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Narcissistic relationships often start off on a high note, creating a false sense of emotional intimacy. An early narcissistic relationship can feel like a whirlwind, or may even convince you that you have met your soulmate. However, many of the traits we mistake for love or emotional intimacy in a narcissistic relationship are actually the result of your partner's Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). 

Whether or not you choose to stay with a narcissistic partner, it's important to understand the difference between true intimacy and narcissistic traits and behaviors. While true intimacy is not impossible in a narcissistic relationship, it may not come easily to someone struggling with NPD. Ultimately, the decision to stay in or leave a narcissistic relationship is intensely personal. In the process of evaluating the quality of your relationship, take care that you don't confuse these characteristics of NPD with emotional intimacy.

1. Fast-Paced

Narcissistic relationships often become serious quickly. Someone with NPD may seem like they are in a rush to enter a committed relationship. They may overemphasize how compatible you are early in the relationship, or say "I love you" after a short period of time. 

While these behaviors alone do not make someone a narcissist, they can be a sign that the person you're with may be trying to manufacture emotional intimacy. If you're uncomfortable with the speed the relationship is moving at, it may be a sign that something deeper is going on.

2. Intense

People with NPD often come on strong when dating someone new. If your partner struggles with NPD, they may initially "love-bomb" you, lavishing you with attention, affection, and gifts. This can leave you feeling conflicted when the negative side of NPD begins to show itself. 

It's important not to confuse this intensity with true intimacy. Some moments of stress or turmoil may be normal in a relationship, but a stable, intimate partnership should not feel like an emotional rollercoaster most of the time. 

3. Extremely Close

Feeling close to your romantic partner is, of course, normal and natural. However, it's important not to confuse a lack of boundaries with emotional intimacy. In a healthy relationship, you can still be close to your partner while maintaining other relationships with family and friends, as well as upholding boundaries that are important to you. 

Someone with NPD may make you feel bad for spending time with others or for asserting your need for space or independence. They may repeatedly violate your boundaries, even when you explicitly tell them what those boundaries are. But no matter what they say, this control is not the face of "closeness" or "intimacy." 

4. Jealous

It's normal to experience jealousy in a relationship from time to time, but a narcissistic partner may take jealousy to the extreme. Someone with NPD may use their jealousy to make unfounded accusations against you (for example, "are you cheating on me?"). Or, they may be jealous when you spend time with anyone who isn't them, including family or friends. 

Jealousy can become especially problematic in a narcissistic relationship if it leads to controlling or intrusive behavior, like reading your text messages without permission or trying to limit who you're allowed to see. Anytime that your partner's NPD causes them to exhibit abusive behavior, it's worth examining the health and happiness of your relationship.

5. Too Good To Be True

Someone with NPD may exaggerate or misrepresent themselves to you. In the early days of a relationship, they may also reflect your interests or hobbies back to you to seem like you have more in common than you actually do. Many times, narcissists do not have an emotional framework for authentic bonding, so they may rely on these gimmicks to grow close to you.

This does not mean that someone you are compatible with must be lying to you about it. However, you should always trust your instincts when they tell you someone may not be who they seem to be. If something (or someone) seems too good to be true, it probably is. Someone who claims to be your "soulmate," yet is not true to their word, definitely falls into this category.

How Somatic Therapy Can Help Psychological Trauma

by Melody Wright, LMFT

When we've experienced something traumatic, we may not be consciously aware of the ways in which the trauma affects our everyday life. However, our bodies remember what has happened to us, and they store those memories as uncomfortable (sometimes painful) somatic sensations.

If you have survived trauma, you may find that you hold a lot of tension in your muscles or that you feel disconnected from your body. This can occur when our bodies are reminded of the trauma, even if our minds aren't aware of it.

Somatic therapy is a type of psychotherapy that asks us to listen to -- and learn from -- our bodily sensations. By strengthening the relationship between mind and body, we can heal from the effects of trauma, both physically and emotionally. Here is how it works.

How Our Bodies Remember Trauma

Unexplained physical ailments, like headaches or muscle tension, are common in trauma survivors. While they may be related to your traumatic past, they are not "all in your head." Instead, they stem from anxious energy that was not released during the traumatic event, when the fight-or-flight response was triggered.

Traumatic events can activate the sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for symptoms like a racing heartbeat and clammy palms when we are anxious, scared, or stressed. The fight-or-flight response is designed to help us flee from or fight back against potential dangers. However, in a traumatic event, it is not always possible to do either of these things.

Whether you were physically restrained or paralyzed by anxiety, you may not have been able to discharge the adrenaline from your body's fight-or-flight response in the moment. As a result, the energy from the fight-or-flight response is stored in the body, leading to tension, pain, and other unpleasant symptoms.

How Somatic Therapy Works

Somatic therapy is a type of psychotherapy that utilizes the mind-body connection. Pioneers of somatic therapy, such as Peter Levine and Pat Ogden, believe that the key to healing from trauma is discharging this anxious energy from the body. This means finding other ways to process and release the body's stored emotions after the traumatic event. 

There are many techniques a somatic therapist can use to help you accomplish this goal. First, they will use interventions designed to help you develop greater awareness of your unique body and the ways in which it stores traumatic memories. Then, they will guide you through the process of expressing these stored emotions so you can move on.

Every somatic therapist works a bit differently. It's important to get to know your therapist so you can find the right fit for your individual needs. However, many somatic techniques are practiced by a wide variety of therapists. Understanding common somatic therapy techniques can help you get an idea of what to expect.

Common Somatic Therapy Techniques

Grounding

How often do you feel truly connected to your body? Trauma survivors may especially struggle to stay rooted in the present moment and notice uncomfortable thoughts or sensations. Grounding consists of exercises designed to bring us back into our bodies and mindfully take note of our sensations and surroundings. These exercises often rely on our five senses to absorb information from our environment. 

Movement

Movement is a form of medicine for the body. Mindfully moving your body can help you cope with challenging experiences and discharge anxious energy. It can also give you a sense of accomplishment and help you feel more connected to your body. Additionally, movement is one of the body's primary methods of communication. We can pay attention to our natural movements -- such as body language -- to learn more about ourselves, our emotions, and our beliefs. 

Setting Boundaries

Boundaries are limits we set to define the type of treatment we are willing to accept from others. Traumatic experiences inherently involve a violation of our personal boundaries. Setting mindful boundaries empowers you to take back control of your mind and body. Boundary-setting may be challenging for trauma survivors, who are often disconnected from the way their bodies feel about certain behaviors or experiences. By paying attention to the way our body feels in these moments, we can identify healthy boundaries that would improve our lives.

Want to learn more? Sign up for our free e-book, The Mind-Body Toolkit: A Beginner’s Guide to Connecting With Your Body. We provide 50 grounding exercises you can try when feeling anxious or overwhelmed and some of our favorite somatic tools and resources. This is a great way to learn more about the mind-body connection, especially if therapy is new to you. To get started, click here.

How Your Relationship May Change Post-Pandemic

by Melody Wright, LMFT

The COVID-19 pandemic brought major changes to every area of our lives, including our romantic relationships. From new couples quarantining together to married couples coworking from home, many relationships faced momentous challenges that brought partners closer together (or pulled them apart).

As we adjust to the "new normal" post-pandemic, we can expect our relationships to further grow, shift, and evolve in novel ways. For example, we may find that our relationship has become stronger as a result of surviving a pandemic together, or that quarantining together strained our connections with our partners.

It's important to normalize all of these changes to our post-pandemic relationships. After all, the COVID-19 pandemic inflicted unprecedented trauma on a global scale, and such a dramatic experience is bound to change the way we relate to ourselves and others. Whatever you and your partner are going through, you are not alone. 

Most, if not all, romantic relationships have continued to evolve after the pandemic. Here are some of the most common changes relationships are facing post-pandemic, and how you and your partner can navigate them to bring about the best possible outcome for both individuals.

Your relationship may become stronger.

Many committed relationships, including married couples, benefited from increased time at home with their partners during the pandemic. According to survey data, 58% of couples said that the pandemic increased their appreciation for their partners, and nearly half of people in long-term relationships reported that the pandemic deepened their commitment to their partners. As a result, many couples are feeling stronger than ever after the COVID-19 pandemic. In fact, 2019 saw a 50-year low in the national divorce rate. 

The likelihood that a couple would report a stronger relationship post-pandemic appears to be tied to the quality of the relationship prior to the pandemic. In other words, strong relationships only became stronger during quarantine, while weaker relationships may have experienced more stress or conflict. Undoubtedly, many couples navigated new challenges due to the COVID-19 pandemic, such as working from home, childcare demands, and less time apart. However, the good news is that couples who were able to effectively cope with these stressors may emerge from the pandemic with a deeper appreciation for and stronger connection to their partners.

You may spend less time with your partner.

Couples who quarantined together during the pandemic became used to spending every waking moment with their significant others. The pandemic accelerated typical relationship timelines by forcing many couples to cohabitate earlier than they may have done otherwise. Couples in the early stages of relationships may have spent more time together than most people in new partnerships, while individuals in long-term relationships or marriages may have seen more of each other than they had in a while!

In some ways, the return to some semblance of "normalcy" after the pandemic may actually improve your relationship with your partner. It is certainly possible for couples to spend too much time together. The pandemic may have encouraged you to rely on your partner for multiple types of emotional nourishment, rather than seeking support from external sources like activities, friends, and family members. Going back to work and hobbies, and spending more time with other people, gives you time to miss your partner, while also taking away some of the pressure on your partner to uplift you emotionally.

In other ways, spending more time away from home may strain your relationship with your partner as you navigate increased commitments outside the house. For example, challenges regarding division of labor may emerge as you and your partner return to your regular routines. Couples with children or pets may have gotten used to dividing responsibilities in a certain way throughout the pandemic. However, as caretakers return to work, there may be disagreements about how to manage these responsibilities moving forward, with the increased demands inflicted by the return to work and other outside activities.

Your relationship may end -- and that's okay.

Not every relationship is destined to survive the post-pandemic landscape, and that's okay. Whatever your relationship experience after the COVID-19 pandemic, you are deserving of comfort and validation. If you are working through a breakup after the pandemic, you are not alone in your experience. There are many reasons why a relationship may crumble in the aftermath of quarantine, but most indicate that there were interpersonal issues originating before the pandemic that were simply revealed in the heat of the moment. 

In some cases, quarantining with a partner during the pandemic may have prolonged the shelf life of an unhealthy or unstable relationship. Other times, the pandemic may have unveiled deep-seated conflicts or differences in values that rendered the relationship unsustainable in the long-term. Whatever the reason for your separation, it's normal to experience a wide range of emotions as you come to terms with the end of any relationship, including those that may have ended due to the COVID-19 pandemic.

The silver lining in this situation is that experiencing the end of a significant relationship due to COVID-19 may change your perspective on dating in the future. According to research conducted by the dating app Hinge, many young people are approaching relationships and dating differently in the post-COVID world. Over ⅔ of Hinge users report that they are being more mindful of what kind of partner they are looking for in the long-term, and more than half say they are now looking for a serious, long-term relationship. While this may not make you feel better about the end of your relationship, it may help to know that the experience of dating during a pandemic has helped many people reflect on the quality of their relationships and make connections that are more meaningful and fulfilling to them.

References:

1. https://media.deseret.com/media/misc/pdf/afs/2020-AFS-Final-Report.pdf?_ga=2.133039110.944703945.1610115812-1901370271.1610115803,

2. https://ifstudies.org/blog/number-1-in-2020-the-us-divorce-rate-has-hit-a-50-year-low

3. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33151125/

4. https://www.purewow.com/wellness/intentional-dating

Diamond in the Rough: How to Reveal the Hidden Gems in Saying “No”

by Ashley Gregory, LMFT

  Saying “No” Can Be Illuminating

 A few years ago, a friend of my partner and I asked about staying at our place during a road trip up the California Coast. She and a friend of hers were going to be passing by the Bay Area on a weeknight. While we were thrilled to hear from her, my partner and I both had to work that week and had no chance to take time off. We considered our needs and her request carefully. We absolutely wanted to reminisce about our college days and laugh until our faces hurt. We also knew that having our friend and her companion stay over would lead to staying up too late and feeling drained the next day. Ultimately, after a thoughtful assessment of what we had going on in our life, we decided we weren’t going to be able to host a sleepover. 

 We relayed this boundary to our friend, letting her know we would love to have her over on a weekend. Our friend took this boundary personally, suggesting that we had made this decision for other reasons. Sadly, she also declined to talk things through with my partner, who had been friends with her for much longer. We felt surprised and disheartened by her response. We wanted to authentically offer our space, time and attention when we were able to give it freely rather than allow resentment and dishonesty to damage our relationship by saying “yes.”  While it was an uncomfortable experience, we also came to grips with the lack of trust in the friendship. 

 Ideally, we would have liked to connect empathetically with our friend, listening to how she experienced the boundary we set as well as being offered the opportunity to share where we were coming from at the time. This experience exposed the relationship cracks and fissures that were already there. While we’re still open to mending the rift between us, we also accept that we may never get that chance.
 

Heteropatriarchy and the “Caregiver” Role

 So much of the time, many of us believe we have to offer care or resources to someone who is asking, sometimes simply because they are asking. We feel pressured to acquiesce to requests even though there is a very vocal part of us who knows we don’t have the energy or capacity. In particular, people socialized as women or feminine have been told that their success in caregiving roles equates to their worth as a person. When the expectations of this role conflicts with one’s personal needs, the resulting shame and guilt can be debilitating. This identity as “caregiver” comes with unspoken expectations and extends into all areas of life--work, friendships, family dynamics. These expectations may look like:

•  doing tasks outside of your job description that others are fully capable of doing themselves, 

• being available by phone all of the time, 

• assumption that you are always emotionally available, or

• coordinating all of the family gathering
  

Heteropatriarchy rests on the gender binary system--an insistence that there are only two options for humans: man and woman. Furthermore, “man” must assert his power over “woman” in all arenas of society (family, work, government, etc.), lest a complete breakdown of the world as we know it occurs. Powerful men can’t be caring or show emotion because that would be weak. Heteropatriarchal gender norms dictate that being a “good woman” means self-sacrifice and being a “good man” means dehumanization. This setup is just that: a setup for human beings to feel unhappy, unfulfilled and isolated. Being honest with yourself about what you want and how you feel honors your true self and is a courageous holistic practice. 

Saying “No” Can Be a Gift 

Saying “no” can be an opportunity for your coworker, friend or loved one to seek out more support in places they didn’t previously know existed. They may learn a new skill they didn’t know before because you (or someone else) had been doing it for them. 

Saying “no” can free up opportunities for you to also get creative. Knowing your “no” means letting go of all of the “what-ifs” and “shoulds” that makes decision-making hazy. That’s when we feel stuck and helpless. Getting in touch with where you stand means feeling grounded and centered in your truth.

I invite you to explore how you know your “no.” Is it a thought? A memory or image? A sensation? An emotion? What needs might you be meeting by honoring your “no”? Spend some time with your “no” and get curious about it. What can you learn from your “no” right now?

3 Tips for Expressing Your Emotions Effectively

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Speaking up for yourself is never easy. Even those of us who consider ourselves assertive people sometimes have trouble expressing our emotions clearly and effectively. And it can be even more challenging to speak up when you are worried that you will step on other people's toes, that you will start a conflict, or that you are being overly-sensitive.

In these cases, it's important to remember that speaking up for yourself benefits you and all the other people involved. Repressing our emotions can only create worse problems later, by breeding resentment or causing anger to build up until it explodes. Not to mention, being honest about your emotions paves the way for others to be honest with you as well, deepening your interpersonal relationships.

Even if you recognize the importance of being honest, it can be hard to know where to start when you aren't used to expressing your emotions. Next time, instead of holding in your emotions for fear of offending others, try using these three tips to express your emotions clearly and effectively. 

1. Practice Radical Acceptance 

Many times, we repress our emotions due to the beliefs we have internalized about those emotions. For example, many women struggle with anger because they were taught that girls should be tolerant and soft-spoken. Once we learn to let go of those cultural beliefs and radically accept our emotions for what they are, we can express the way we feel without attaching additional meaning to these emotions.

The first step in practicing radical acceptance of your emotions is practicing mindful self-awareness. Notice what thoughts and physical sensations arise in your body without labeling them as "good" or "bad." Approach your emotions with curiosity rather than judgment. By viewing your emotions in this way, you can learn to separate the emotions themselves from the cultural beliefs you may hold about those emotions, which may be affecting your ability to express them constructively.

2. Own Your Emotions

Lots of people hold back their emotions because they are afraid of starting a conflict. But, conflicts most often start because we are placing blame on others for our emotions, rather than taking ownership of the way we feel. There is a huge difference between saying "you make me so angry!" and "I feel angry because…" That nuance bridges the divide between a constructive conversation and an explosive conflict.

Using I-statements -- as in, "I feel sad because...." rather than "you make me feel sad" -- is essential for opening up a dialogue about our emotional experience. Of course, it is natural to sometimes feel defensive when uncomfortable emotions arise in conversation. However, when we approach our emotions through the lens of blaming others, we may hurt their feelings so much that our core message is lost in translation. 

Speaking in I-statements may not come naturally to all of us, but it becomes easier to do once we let go of judgment and begin practicing radical acceptance of our emotions. When we let go of the labels we attach to our emotions, there is no longer a reason to become defensive of our anger, guilt, sadness, or shame.

3. Be Vulnerable

Many of us naturally resist appearing vulnerable to others for a variety of reasons. We may feel uncomfortable when others comfort us, or fear becoming the object of other people's pity. But it's important to understand that without vulnerability, we cannot be fully present in our most valued relationships. Being vulnerable not only allows us to reveal our true selves, but also creates space for others to be vulnerable with us, too. 

Give yourself permission to be vulnerable. Just as you have learned to approach your other emotions without judgment, practice radical acceptance when it comes to vulnerability. Let go of the cultural messages you've internalized about vulnerability and instead, focus on being fully present in your relationships. Vulnerability can feel scary, because we are sacrificing our ability to protect ourselves -- but this is a sacrifice we must make in order to deepen our connections with the people we care about the most.

Sometimes, expressing our emotions can be challenging to do without help, especially when we are so used to suppressing them. In these cases, you may benefit from processing your emotions with a professional, such as one of Life by Design Therapy's qualified clinicians. Contact us today to learn more about how we can help you approach your emotions without judgment, take ownership of your emotions, and make space for vulnerability.

4 Benefits Of Somatic Therapy

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Somatic therapy is an approach to psychotherapy that emphasizes the mind-body connection. 

Somatic therapists recognize that suppressed and unprocessed emotions are often stored in the body, showing up as physical symptoms like muscle pain, headaches, and nausea. Because of this, somatic therapy incorporates body awareness exercises into the healing process. 

Here at Life by Design Therapy, we are passionate about practicing somatic therapy and strong advocates of its benefits for mind and body healing. In this blog post, we discuss four of those benefits, which may help you decide if somatic therapy is right for you.

1. Change your brain, change your life.

Our brains and bodies are creatures of habits. They internalize the thought patterns and belief systems we are taught from an early age. Much like a computer, these become the "programs" that run our lives.

When we experience trauma or emotional distress, our brains and bodies become wired for survival. The fight, flight, fawn, or freeze response becomes the "program" we're running on; however, living life on "survival mode" can quickly get exhausting.

By harnessing the power of the body through somatic therapy, we can rewire our brain's neural pathways to get ourselves out of survival mode and into a conscious state of emotional balance. In this way, somatic therapy can help you take back control of your life from harmful thoughts, beliefs, and patterns.

2. Gain insight into your thoughts and behaviors.

Our bodies communicate with us via sensations. Those aches and pains you may be experiencing are messages from your body that something is wrong. Sometimes, that "something" may be a medical issue, like an injury or illness -- while other times, it may be a sign of unprocessed, stored emotions coming to the surface.

Imagine how much insight you would gain into your thoughts and behaviors if you could translate the messages your body was sending you. How much better could you know yourself if you learned to understand the language your body speaks?

So many of us operate on "autopilot," leading us to live in a constant state of disconnect from our bodies. In this state, we don't pay attention to the messages our body tells us, or we choose to actively ignore them in favor of productivity or other concerns. Yet when we pause to listen to what our body has to tell us, we can gain a lot of insight about the thoughts, beliefs, habits, and behaviors that shape the quality of our relationships with ourselves and others.

3. Get the tools to overcome what's holding you back.

Stored, unprocessed emotions -- which often show up in the body -- hold us back. They prevent us from showing up as the best, most fulfilled versions of ourselves. Hence, somatic therapy isn't just about noticing and interpreting your bodily sensations; it's also about giving you the tools you need to overcome those physical and emotional blocks. 

In order to achieve fulfillment, somatic therapy techniques that help you gain insight into your bodily sensations must be paired with actionable, therapeutic steps toward healing. Recognizing your unprocessed emotions is a start, but simply being aware of these issues does not solve them.

The key to overcoming these barriers is to work through them. One of Life by Design Therapy's somatic therapists can help you achieve this on a mental, physical, and emotional level. At each level of awareness, you will learn tips and tools to help you understand, process, and manage your emotions in real-time, to prevent them from holding you back.

4. Let go of self-judgment.

Finally, somatic experiencing, or noticing our bodily sensations, isn't just about recognizing the way we are feeling. It's also about letting go of the judgmental thoughts we have about our emotions and physical sensations, because our self-talk so deeply influences the way we feel, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

For example -- when your body hurts, how do you speak to yourself? Do you approach the sensation with curiosity, non-judgmentalness, and compassion...or do you criticize yourself by listing all the reasons why you shouldn't allow your physical pain to hold you back? You might even find yourself attempting to ignore or suppress those uncomfortable sensations.

Hence, somatic therapy is also about giving yourself permission to approach your bodily sensations non-judgmentally. Forget assigning physical, mental, or emotional sensations labels like "good" or "bad," and instead invite yourself to observe what you can learn from your body when you approach it with curiosity instead of judgment.

Empaths, Here's How To Stop Absorbing Other People's Emotions

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Do you take on the emotions of others? When we have poor emotional boundaries, we may find ourselves feeling angry when others are angry or sad when others are sad. Or, alternatively, we may find that we are unable to feel happy when people we care about are not.

Absorbing the emotions of others can be both a strength and a weakness. It can be a sign that you are an empath, gifted with the extraordinary ability to empathize with nearly anyone -- but it can also become exhausting and frustrating to constantly feel what others are feeling.

Learning to empathize with others is a skill -- as is learning how to set emotional boundaries so that you are not constantly drained by taking on the emotions of others. Like any skill, setting emotional boundaries can be strengthened with practice. Here's how.

How To Spot An Empath

Sometimes, we may be aware that we are taking on the emotions of others. Other times, however, we might be having an intense or distressing emotional experience but be unaware of why we are feeling that way. 

So, how do you know that you are an empath, or a person with a natural tendency to empathize with others (and take on others' emotions)? Everybody is, of course, different, but here are some characteristics shared by many, if not all, empaths:

• Closeness and intimacy can become overwhelming.

• You need rest after spending lots of time with others.

• You have a strong sense of intuition.

• You strongly dislike crowded places.

• You are easily overstimulated in public.

• You feel emotionally involved in other people's problems.

• You have a hard time emotionally detaching yourself.

• You are extremely sensitive to sounds, smells, or sensations.

These traits may be signs that you are an empath, or simply that you have a tendency to absorb other people's emotions. Many of these characteristics involve overwhelm because taking on others' emotions, in addition to our own, can get to be too much. 

In fact, that may be one of the primary reasons why you are seeking advice on no longer taking on others' emotions: whether you realize it or not, you might be feeling overwhelmed and looking for relief from those emotions.

Stop Taking On Others' Emotions

Empaths frequently take on the emotions of others. To them, this is second nature, but can result in overwhelm and fatigue. If you do not know that you are taking on other people's emotions, you may not even realize this is why you are feeling that way. That's why the first step toward no longer taking on other people's emotions is to recognize the signs of being an empath.

As we mentioned previously, being an empath can be a powerful strength -- but it can also be incredibly overwhelming and draining. Setting emotional boundaries can help you to stop taking on other people's emotions to such an extent that it becomes exhausting and interferes with your sense of well-being.

Boundaries are firm lines that we draw to prevent others from making us feel emotionally drained or uncomfortable. For an empath, setting boundaries may not be second-nature and may even feel weird or wrong. After all, empaths want to be there for others in whatever way that they can. However, if you do not set emotional boundaries, you will become so drained that you are no longer able to support others the way that you instinctively want to.

The first step toward setting boundaries is to clearly define what your boundaries are. It can be difficult to do this as an empath because you may feel guilty for setting boundaries. Even so, it's important that you don't let guilt get in the way of doing what you need to do to feel your best. While this is easier said than done, you need to be honest with yourself about what boundaries would help you avoid letting others take advantage of your caring nature.

The second step is to clearly communicate your boundaries with others. Once you have identified what will help you detach from the emotions of others -- such as limiting the amount of time you spend listening to other people's problems (i.e. no longer spending hours on the phone with close friends whenever they need you) or saying "no" to helping out so that you do not overextend yourself -- make sure to sit down and have a conversation with whomever your boundary applies to.

When communicating your boundaries, ensure you have the conversation when you and your conversational partner are both calm, not feeling stressed or overwhelmed. Then, firmly but politely state what your boundaries are. While you are not obligated to give a reason for your boundaries, if you feel comfortable doing so, it might help back up your statement, especially if you are talking to someone whom you trust not to react to it poorly.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by being an empath, therapeutic techniques such as grounding and mindfulness can also help you learn to create a healthy distance between your emotions and the emotions of others. Contact Life by Design Therapy today to learn more about how we can help you set stronger emotional boundaries.

Is Trauma Exposure Transforming You? How to Know and What to Do About It

by Ashley Gregory, LMFT

What is Vicarious Trauma?

The term “vicarious traumatization” arose in the mid-1990’s when Laurie Anne Pearlman and Paula S. Mac Ian studied the effects of working with traumatized clients on therapists. They defined it as “a transformation in the helper’s inner experience, as a result of empathetic engagement with traumatized clients and their traumatic experiences, coupled with a commitment or responsibility to help.” Since then, conversations and awareness around “secondary” or “vicarious” trauma have increased and expanded. The sheer number of blogs, Instagram posts and YouTube videos about self-care and mental health has injected these terms into more spaces than before.Yet, at the same time, deeply held beliefs, values and cultural practices maintain the very structures that keep people guessing about whether they are qualified to deserve the care they need as caregivers themselves. I would argue that this is especially true for those of us in the “caring professions'' or folks doing “care work.” In fact, minimizing one’s own experience, as a person exposed to the trauma of others, is itself a trauma exposure response.

My Own Vicarious Trauma Journey 

As a twenty-something youth worker, I had no idea how to identify trauma symptoms. Furthermore, I did not understand how the trauma I was exposed everyday to would impact me and the work I did. The organization I worked for essentially hired me to make sure a dozen or more middle schoolers would do their homework right after a long day at school. The school was in the Fruitvale District of Oakland. I had not grown up in Oakland--in fact, I had recently moved there, pretty much straight out of college. Many of my colleagues at the time were also young white people who did not reflect the makeup of the community in which we were working--predominantly Black, Latinx and Asian American and Pacific Islander. Schools like the one where I worked were essentially training grounds for young, predominately white professionals to get their hours and leave to pursue their careers elsewhere. Racist and classist demands on time and money present significant barriers to people of color who want to become teachers. Racist and classist tax laws keep schools woefully underfunded, which means mental health care staff and programs designed to support young people’s emotional well-being are rarely prioritized. With so much going in their lives and so much of their lives spent at school, the trauma exposure these youth experienced played out in the cafeteria, the hallways and their classes. My after-school classroom was no exception. While I loved working with young people, I also became angry, hopeless and guilty. At some point, the school social worker mentioned “vicarious trauma.” Suddenly my experience had a name and I was floored. Over time, it was learning the complex and personalized symptoms of vicarious trauma that helped me develop the tools, practices and rituals I needed to achieve balance and ease.

Trauma Stewardship and the Warning Signs of Trauma Exposure Response

Part of my own journey has been aligned with the practice of “trauma stewardship,” the term Laura van Dernoot Lipky coined as she navigated her own experiences of trauma exposure. In her book Trauma Stewardship: An Everyday Guide to Caring for Self While Caring for Others, van Dernoot Lipky interviews people in a wide range of professions and from diverse backgrounds about their personal journeys and trauma stewardship wisdom. She adds to the literature of vicarious trauma and explores the warning signs of a trauma exposure response. While some of the warning signs of trauma exposure response may be more obvious behaviors, such as developing an addiction, others are not as clear. For example, one of the warning signs of trauma exposure response is a sense of persecution, an “internal state,” van Dernoot Lipky shares, when “We become convinced that others are responsible for our well-being and that we lack the personal agency to transform our circumstances” (p. 93). These internal shifts can be confusing  and complicated to name without support. 

While everyone metabolises trauma exposure different, there are commonly experienced symptoms, some of which include:

• Exhaustion on every level--mental, physical and emotional

• Intrusive thoughts of disturbing images you’ve heard about or seen at work

• Nightmares

• Hypervigilance

• Grandiosity

• A sense that you can never do enough

Getting Help

Working with a therapist who has awareness of and experience with vicarious trauma can help you identify how trauma exposure responses show up in your life. Awareness is the first step towards making lasting change. With the support of a therapist, you can create new ways to relate to yourself and others with renewed compassion. 

Pearlman, L.A., & Mac Ian, P. S. (1995). Vicarious traumatization: An empirical study of the effects of trauma work on trauma therapists. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 26(6), 558.

5 Tips for Navigating Pandemic-Related Stress

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Now that the one-year anniversary of the COVID-19 lockdown has come and gone, many of us are reflecting on the ways our lives have changed as a result of the pandemic. Some of those changes may be positive, such as spending more time on hobbies while we're at home. However, many of them may be the result of pandemic-related stress that we're still navigating, more than 365 days later. Our children's schools may not have reopened, so we may still be watching them, or we may still be adjusting to working from home.

And, with the vaccine becoming more widely available, many of us are facing renewed anxiety around COVID-19. There are dozens of questions on our minds: when will we be able to get vaccinated? When will we be able to stop wearing a mask? Will we be able to go on our summer vacation? In other words, just because there is hope on the horizon does not mean that pandemic-related stress is going to disappear overnight. We still need to develop healthy ways to cope with the aftermath of the COVID-19 pandemic.

These five essential tips will help you navigate pandemic-related stress in a proactive way. Strengthening your coping skills will not only serve you during the pandemic, but it will continue to improve your stress management in your everyday life.

1. Take a break from the news.

As critical as it is to stay informed, you should limit the amount of time you spend consuming news about the pandemic. Information about social distancing and vaccine scheduling matters, but it can also be incredibly disheartening when it is all we are hearing about. It's important to take time away from the news to engage in conversation about ordinary life: people we know, things we enjoy, and all the things we would talk about under "normal" circumstances! ("News" includes social media, too.)

2. Connect with loved ones.

Many of us have been isolated for some time due to the coronavirus pandemic, leaving us feeling down in the dumps. Maintaining strong social connections is essential to our mental health. Luckily, thanks to modern technology, we can still connect with friends and family from a safe distance. Scheduling virtual lunch or dinner dates, or simply picking up the phone to call a friend, can make a huge difference in helping you feel less lonely during the pandemic.

3. Follow your daily routine.

When working from home, or otherwise experiencing interruptions in your daily routine, it's easy to start the day off on the wrong foot. It may be tempting to wear pajamas to work all day (who would ever know?) or order takeout every day for dinner instead of cooking. However, keeping up with as much of your regular routine as possible can help you restore some sense of normalcy to your life. You can't control when the country reopens, but you can decide to get dressed in the morning as if you were going to the office or to meal plan the same way you would if the kids were going to school.

4. Incorporate light physical activity.

Exercise releases endorphins that boost our mood and relieve stress. The thought of going to the gym or for an hour-long run during a global pandemic may feel overwhelming, but exercise doesn't have to be structured. Your daily "workout" might include walking the dog, jumping on the trampoline with your kids, or even cleaning the house. Even simply standing up every 30 minutes while working from home can benefit your health. The key is to find easy activities you love to do that don't feel like work! 

5. Speak to your employer.

Lots of workers, especially healthcare workers and essential workers, are feeling the effects of pandemic-related stress in the office, and many employers have set up infrastructures to help employees cope. If working from home with kids or working long shifts in an essential workplace is becoming overwhelming, speak to your employer to see if there are wellness supports in place to help make things easier. You might even be able to move your shifts around or get more flexibility with time off to take care of the kids and other responsibilities at home, alleviating some of the stress of the pandemic.

In Pursuit of Clarity About Boundaries and Power

by Ashley Gregory, LMFT

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” --Prentis Hemphill

Boundary Beginnings

For me, the term “boundaries” did not become a part of my regular vocabulary until graduate school. This may be partially explained by the fact that I cannot recall having explicit conversations about the meaning of personal boundaries as a child. What I do remember are the places I was told I was not allowed to go, like beyond the borders of the complex where my cousins and I lived. On at least one occasion, as children do, I tested those limitations. The consequence for which left a red handprint on my backside.  

Boundaries maintain one’s sense of safety and autonomy. As such, experiences of abuse and trauma are boundary violations which often dramatically shifts one’s perception of their external and internal boundary systems. 

The Two Parts of External Boundaries

As children we learn about boundaries from our caregivers, from those around us and from our cultural context. While we may not be talked to outright about how boundaries exist in our world, we are immersed in lessons about them. Pia Mellody, author of Facing Codependency, identifies two boundary systems: external and internal. Body boundaries are an example of our external boundary system. These boundaries are our personal space bubbles and are composed of two parts--physical and sexual. External boundaries protect you and those around you, both giving you a sense of when you begin and end as well as an ability to consider the safety and needs of others (Mellody, 11). Someone with intact physical boundaries is able to understand another person’s need for space or their preferences around touch. They would also be able to communicate their own needs to others. Similarly, an example of intact sexual boundaries is an awareness of what you are and are not comfortable doing sexually as well as being able to share your needs and preferences regarding sexual contact with others. 

What are Internal Boundaries? 

The other kind of boundary system identified by Mellody are internal boundaries. Having intact internal boundaries means that “we can take responsibility for our thinking, feelings, and behavior and keep them separate from others, and stop blaming them for what we think, feel and do (Mellody, 12).” On the other hand, when internal boundaries are impaired, one person may blame another for their feelings, thoughts or behaviors, leading to shame, manipulation or even serious harm. Mellody goes on to explain that internal boundaries may be mostly intact, however, in certain situations may be damaged. Someone may, for example, be able to convey their need for choice with their partner but have trouble doing so with their caregivers. Acknowledging and honoring our internal boundaries is a commitment and on-going process. 

Power and Boundaries 

Crossing the internal boundaries of others is a deeply entrenched practice in our world which takes many forms within relationships and societal systems (think schools, workplaces, legal, etc). For example, heinous acts of violence have been justified using the LGBTQ+ “panic” defense.* This legal strategy claims that a person’s sexual identity or gender identity/expression caused another person so much distress that a reasonable response was to seriously injure or kill them. Clearly, boundaries are inextricably linked to legacies of deep power imbalances. 

Adultism* is another example of normalized boundary violations. Children and youth are systematically discriminated against because of their age. Young people are afforded less respect and consideration than people who are considered adults. Seemingly innocuous transgressions act to re-create harmful behaviors and beliefs about personal boundaries. Adults invading a young person’s space without permission, dismissing their needs or being subject to punishment without cause. Importantly, adultism intersects with racism, sexism, classism, ableism, heterosexism and cisgenderism.* In other words, a transgender young person of color faces different and compounding harms than a white cisgender youth. 

Boundary Work in Therapy

Embodying our own boundaries lends to respecting the boundaries of others. Therapy may be a place for you to work through, and find ways to let go of, regretful moments or unhelpful patterns involving the boundaries of others. This is imperative work for all of us and of particular urgency for many. Building a trusting relationship with a therapist can offer profound experiences in getting a deeper sense of your internal and external boundary systems. 

*For more information on the LGBTQ+ “panic” defense, see https://lgbtbar.org/programs/advocacy/gay-trans-panic-defense/

*For more information about adultism: https://www.youthrights.org/blog/understanding-adultism/

*Cisgenderism: “Cisgenderism refers to the cultural and systemic ideology that denies, denigrates, or pathologizes  self-identified gender identities that do not align with assigned gender at birth as well as resulting behavior, expression, and community. This ideology endorses and perpetuates the belief that cisgender identities and expression are to be valued more than transgender identities and expression and creates an inherent system of associated power and privilege. The presence of cisgenderism exists in many cultural institutions, including language and the law, and consequently enables prejudice and discrimination against the transgender community.”

(https://read.dukeupress.edu/tsq/article/1/1-2/63/92024/Cisgenderism)

Dating a Narcissist? Here's How You Can Tell

by Melody Wright, LMFT

First, we want to acknowledge how challenging it is to be in a relationship with someone who is a narcissist or who has narcissistic behaviors. While this blog is not meant to minimize the impact of unhealthy behaviors on your relationship, we also want to be aware of mislabeling and pathologizing someone’s behaviors.  This blog is meant to provide reflection and tools to identify narcissistic behaviors of relating to others, as well as things to consider if you think you are dating a narcissist.

Relationships are hard -- but relationships with a narcissist can feel borderline impossible. If your partner struggles with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), they may have an inflated sense of self-importance and a need for attention that becomes overwhelming in your relationship.

Someone who has been diagnosed with NPD may have little regard for other people's feelings, making them challenging partners to be in a relationship with. When you're dating a narcissist, you may suffer from emotional abuse, manipulation and a lack of long-term commitment. 

Does this remind you of your romantic relationship? Here's how to tell if you might be dating a narcissist -- and what to do about it if you are dating one.

Signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

So, think you might be dating a narcissist? If you suspect your partner may have NPD, you may recognize some of the following characteristics in their behavior:

• They are condescending and believe they are better than others

• They engage in excessive attempts to seek attention and admiration from others

• Their self-esteem may be overly dependent on others and/or fluctuate with their mood

• They may set unrealistically high goals based on an inflated sense of their own performance, or hold themselves to low standards due to a sense of entitlement

• They are excessively attuned to others' reactions when it comes to themselves, but they have an impaired ability to empathize with other people

• Their relationships are largely superficial and serve to boost their self-esteem

If your partner has NPD, these traits will likely manifest themselves in your relationship. For example, a narcissistic partner might be overly critical of you, fail to value you or seek excessive attention from you in your relationship. 

What to Do If You're Dating a Narcissist

Dating a narcissist can take a toll on your self-esteem. Your partner may engage in gaslighting behavior, making you feel you are crazy or forgetful; sabotage your relationship or other friendships; turn all the blame in the relationship towards you; or even deliver intense praise, followed by verbal abuse. All of these experiences can make you begin to doubt your own reality and start to wonder if the problem is you, rather than your partner. 

So, what should you do if you suspect your partner suffers from NPD? Because NPD can take such a difficult toll on your self-esteem, it's important that you consider if this is the type of relationship you want to be in, since staying in any relationship is a choice you need to make for yourself. There are two ways you can do this: encouraging your narcissistic partner to seek help for their NPD or leaving the relationship altogether.

Encouraging Your Partner to Seek Help

It's important not to stay in a relationship with a narcissist because you feel obligated to "fix" them. However, if you decide to stay in the relationship, you should make it clear to your partner that you will not tolerate their narcissistic behaviors and that they should seek help for their NPD.

Treatment for NPD typically consists of long-term, intensive therapy that will allow your partner to come to grips with how their disorder has impacted their life and prevented them from reaching their full potential. 

You may also consider couples' therapy in addition to individual therapy for your partner's NPD since their personality disorder affects you as well as them. Involving loved ones like you in the healing process will help your partner see how their NPD has negatively affected others in their life and understand the true ramifications of their behavior.

Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship

Leaving a narcissist can feel difficult, especially since they are often charming and will shower you with praise to make up for their negative behaviors. Still, for many people, leaving a toxic, narcissistic relationship is the best option.

When leaving a narcissist, it may be best to avoid contacting your ex following the relationship. That person may try to guilt you into taking the blame for the breakup or tell you what you want to hear so you will get back together for them. Taking space from that person will allow you to repair your self-esteem and get back in touch with what you really want in a relationship. 

You may miss your narcissistic partner at first -- and that is completely normal. Even if your partner was emotionally and verbally abusive, you may have formed a deep attachment to them in the trauma of your relationship that can make it more difficult to leave them behind. Seeking help from a qualified therapist who can support you during the healing process may make it easier to recover from the fallout of the relationship.

DBT Part 2: The Four Skills

by Ashley Gregory, LMFT

As mentioned in part one, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is a widely applicable practice combining a variety of concepts and skills. Marsha Linehan created DBT in the late 1970’s, inspired by her own personal experience to dedicate her life to supporting people in severe distress. Marsha wove together concepts and interventions from Zen Buddhism, behavioral and humanistic approaches to arrive at four essential DBT skills: mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation and interpersonal effectiveness. Radical acceptance is an essential belief in DBT, grounding the skills practice in embracing one’s present moment experience. 

What does Radical Acceptance mean?

Each of the DBT skills is designed to offer relief during different points throughout an experience of emotional pain. From moment to moment, emotional pain shifts and changes. DBT stresses the importance of understanding choice and control. A key concept and practice of DBT is radical acceptance. Radical acceptance means accepting the past and focusing on the present moment, without inflicting criticism, blame or judgment. It is in the present moment where we have the most power to make change. Only by accepting the present may we create something different in the future. 

Mindfulness is Noticing Without Judgment

DBT is grounded in the practice of mindfulness. Mindfulness is not the same as meditation. In fact, Marsha found that many of the people she worked with in her early work with clients became overwhelmed when directed to focus on their breath. In the experience of many trauma survivors, focusing on the breath can bring up terrifying memories. Instead, mindfulness is directing one’s attention to the present moment without judgment. It is the practice of simply noticing. Simply noticing thoughts, feelings, impulses, sensations or images arising in one’s own experience. Noticing without judgment means letting go of labels such as “good” or “bad,” “healthy” or “unhealthy” and trusting that your experience is your experience. In most DBT groups, mindfulness is repeatedly practiced throughout the course of learning all of the other skills. 

Distraction and Self-Soothing in Order to Cope 

Being in extreme emotional distress may lead to impulsive reactions and coping in ways which lead to more suffering, like hurting yourself or someone else. Distraction and self-soothing skills are distress tolerance tools which increase capacity to deal with overwhelming emotions. Authors of The Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills Workbook stress “do not confuse distraction with avoidance. When you avoid a distressing situation, you choose not to deal with it. But when you distract yourself from a distressing situation, you still intend to deal with it in the future, when your emotions have calmed to a tolerable level” (p. 9). Distraction skills may include holding an ice cube, engaging in enjoyable activities like playing with a pet, going outside, learning a new language, playing a card game or writing in a journal. Other skills include picking something in your environment to count or completing chores like cleaning behind the refrigerator. The idea behind distraction skills is to create some space to be able to work through overwhelming emotions. Self-soothing practices are ways to create increased calm and improved focus. Most often, self-soothing skills engage the senses. Examples include listening to music (sense of hearing), lighting a candle of your favorite scent (sense of smell), looking at pictures of nature (sense of sight), slowly drinking tea or chewing gum (sense of taste) and wearing your most comfortable clothes (sense of touch). What may be most supportive for one person will most likely be different from another person. Each distraction and self-soothing plan is a reflection of your unique needs and interests. 

Interlocking Skills

Many of the skills taught in DBT overlap and reinforce each other. Emotion regulation skills, for example, are also mindfulness and distress tolerance skills. One way to slow down to create more space and choice between emotion and action is to speak your feelings out loud. Becoming aware of the relationships between emotions, thoughts and behaviors in your own life can be an empowering process. Identifying coping thoughts, such as “Mistakes happen, nobody’s perfect” may offer relief and allow for radical acceptance and self-compassion to be more accessible. 

Finally, interpersonal effectiveness skills integrate mindful awareness of yourself and others within relationships. The Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills Workbook describes six core interpersonal effectiveness skills: knowing what you want, asking for what you want, negotiating conflicting wants, getting information, saying “no” in a way that protects the relationship and acting according to your values (p. 187-188). These skills support you in identifying barriers to creating and maintaining nourishing relationships in your life. 

Your Unique Healing Journey

DBT stresses the importance of cultivating awareness, following intuition, creating effective plans, taking wise action and honestly reflecting. In my practice with clients, I also draw upon a combination of these practices with gentleness, humor and acceptance. Together we can weave an experience of therapy unique to you, meeting you where you are while building your capacity for change. 

The Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation & Distress Tolerance by Matthew McKay, Ph.D, Jeffrey C. Wood, Psy. D, and Jeffrey Brantley, MD.